He wants to leave

[KGirl]

I don't know if this is EXACTLY the right forum.. My husband wants to leave me. We got married May of last year. I was dying at first. Now I almost don't care. His mind seemed so set on it. At first I begged, said I couldn't live without him. That was before I realized that I can live without him. I don't like divorce, but if he wants to leave, I can't stop him. If he doesn't want to change, and thinks I won't change, nothing I can do there either. Maybe I'm not (or maybe he isn't either) cut out for marriage now, I dunno. But, I do know that if you marry someone you shouldn't just leave them bc of problems. He's been verbally abusive before, but I still didn't care.

He said he can't be with someone who doesn't accept him. I use to nag him too much about what he did wrong. It wasn't that I don't love him for who he is, but I'd try to encourage him to be happier/better, but all wrong. I also got it from my mother. I hate it and want to change it. I know I can be better. He just doesn't. Can't dwell on it.

I just need prayer/advice.

I'm willing to stay with him if he changes his mind, but I don't see it happening. And if we stay together, we have a tough road ahead of us.

 

[heartnsoul]

Have you both tried going to marriage counseling? That may help because a third party will be (hopefully) neutral and help both of you to understand each other's issues. The only other advice I would suggest is to pray hard to God and ask him to intervene in your marriage. If hearts need to be changed, only God can change them. Meanwhile, try not to focus too much on what your husband needs to change. That will only drag you both down and take your focus off of your own walk with God. You mentioned verbal abuse. That is something you should not tolerate. If he's having a bad day and starts cursing at you, then just walk away quietly and tell him that you will no tolerate his cursing. Gently let him know that you will talk to him when he's calmed down and ready to discuss things like a mature adult. If he still wants to leave, then let him go. Maybe a temporary separation will give both of you some space to think things over and clear your heads. Even married people needs their space sometimes. So give him that space if he wants it.

Marriage is so hard because men and women are so different...even our communication styles are different. Take this time to draw closer to God and maybe get a few good books to read about communication styles between men and women.
Hang in there. Both of you are at a crossroad right now...every marriage goes through them. This probably won't be the first crossroad either. It's all part of marriage. It's getting to know one another, learning how to live with each other, communicating constructively, and working things out. I will pray for you and your marriage.

 

[fluffy_rainbow]

KGirl, I was your age when I went through my divorce. It's a very painful road, but in some cases, also very relieving. My best advice is this...pray without ceasing. Is your husband a Christian? If not, the Bible says he can leave if he finds your faith displeasing. The second best advice I can offer is this, just don't sign the divorce papers. I wouldn't condone his giving up, but you shouldn't grovel for him to stay either. It's one thing to fight for your marriage. It's quite another to let someone else take full advantage of your love, forgiveness, and acceptance. If you live in a no-fault divorce law state, even if you don't sign the papers the marriage will still be disolved, but at least you'd be showing him that you don't condone his actions. May God bless you and give you peace in the days, weeks, months, and even years to come.

 

[~Nikki~]

I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time right now...it's good you're willing to work things out.

Please remember that you cannot change anyone else - the only person someone can change is themself. Everyone needs to take responsibility for themselves. Even if a person's spouse is responsible for most of the problems in the marriage, it is still their responsibility to make sure they are behaving the way God wants them to, and that they themselves are not doing anything which contributes to the breakdown of the marriage. I'm not accusing you of anything, just saying that the only thing we can do is change ourselves and not the other person.

Some good verses are 1 Corinithians 13, which talks about what real love is...I think it's a challenge for all of us to love the way these verses say we should. However, I think that if we did then there would be a lot less problems around.

Also, Ephesians 5:33 says that men are to love their wives as themselves, and that wives are to respect their husbands...
The Amplified Version puts it like this - (talking about the wives' part as I'm a woman, and so is the OP)
"and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband (that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates, and esteems him, prefers him, and loves and admires him exceedingly)."

A tall order!!! And I'm talking to myself here too. The only person we can change is ourself. We can't change anyone else, but we are responsible before God to behave the way He wants us to.

Blessings to you...

 

[Southern Cross]

Please definitely go to a marriage counselor, a good one. Don't just take anyone your church throws at you. You may need to check around. If there is no infidelity or physical/serious emotional abuse going on (I mean, if the situation is tolerable), stick with it for as long as you possibly can. And make sure you are praying constantly and having a small group of prayer warriors doing the same thing for your marriage. God can change hearts in miraculous ways.

And this is just coming from me personally, I don't know where you're at. But do everything you can to avoid shutting down emotionally. Sometimes a spouse will say they want to leave, and do and say things that will just kill you inside, making it easier for you to say you don't want to stay with the marriage anymore. Try to see through that, and to avoid the emotional head games. At some point, he may change his tune, but don't let him get you in such a state that you agree with ending the marriage. I admire you for sticking it out so far. Be the best wife you can, and if he leaves, you will be hurt, but at least you'll know that you did the best you could and you won't wonder "What if... " for years down the road.

I pray that you both can work things out. You are so young... and there is still plenty of life left for you to share together if you can work it out!

 

[lonnienord]

the advise has been great:
go to a good marriage counselor
Pray constantly
have others pray for you

i'd add pray with him if that is possible.

I am praying for you!!

all for JESUS!!
lonnie

 

[KGirl]

Thanks for the replies.

 

[krunk79]

In addition to the great advise these other people have given you (marriage conseling, ect), I would encourage you to read Dr. Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough." He answers many of your questions in that book and gives practical, step by step advise on what to do in situations such as yours. Unfortunately my wife is determined to get a divorce and hasn't communicated with me at all, so I was unable to apply Dr. Dobson's advise to save my marriage, but it is still good advise and I think anyone going through tough times in their marriage should read it.

 

[KGirl]

I don't have any money yet, but I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

 

[KGirl]

don't know how to delete this reply..

 

[KGirl]

We've decided to forget about it all and start over, trying to not think of separation, and think about making it work. It's a definite praise! God's a good man! Please continue to pray that it stays good and doesn't get to that point again. Please pray that he (and I) stay hopeful, and think of every other possability to make things better in the future, then that thing he mentioned (I hate the word lol). Thank you guys so much for the prayers!

 

[krunk79]

I'm very happy to hear that! I'll be praying for you.

You can get that book from Focus on the Family for free. I don't think I'm allowed to post links, but if you do a google serach for "Focus on the Family" you'll find their website. They ask for a "suggested donation," but they'll send it to you for free. That organization is more interested in helping you and helping families than they are in money. I put in a prayer request on their site, and they sent me the book for free without even asking for a donation.

I STRONGLY urge you to go to counseling and to read books such as these. It is impossible to just forget. It's good that you guys want to start fresh, but you need help doing it or it won't work. If you can't afford a counselor, talk to your pastor. He can counsel you or help you find a counselor who won't chare. Your marriage and your future are on the line--make sure you do everything possible to make this work!