He takes no initiative

[Briseis]

Me and my bf have been together for over 5 years, and we have never been able to see each other much because all except a few months at the end of high school, and the past two months have been spent with him in University. He was always very busy and I only got to see him once or twice a week. And even then, I was always the one to call him and try to make plans and figure out when we were both free. He always told me it would be better once he was done school. Well, its not better. He never calls, and when I ask when we can get together he doesnt seem to care. I have always been curious, if I didnt call him, how long would I go without seeing him? How long would it take for him to call me? I have been tempted to try it, but I never wanted to put myself through that. I want to see him as often as I can, even if I am always the one planning it. But now that he has been done school for two months and still doesnt seem to be trying, I really want to try it. But Im not sure its thats a really unfair thing to do. I know talking to him would seem like a smarter thing, but talking to him goes no where. He always says the same thing. "I dont know what to say. I didnt notice. Its not my fault."

So, do you think its mean to do experiments with my bf?

 

[ImperialPhantom]

Try it. If all else fails and discussion goes nowhere, then this'll at least either assuange your worries, or bring more to the discussion.

 

[Briseis]

Lol, thanx.

 

[aunt_kelly]

Give it a try. Find out if he really wants to spend time with you too.

 

[Briseis]

Well, he called me tonight to let me know he will be free tomorrow night. Maybe I was just expecting too much, and he would call when he could.

 

[theresarose]

Remember to give his space. He is going though a lot changes right now. It might take some time for him to settle down and miss you. But he will if the relationship has a chance of a future. A relationship has to be 100% you and 100% him.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

You've been together for 5 years sweetheart...5 years...and he doesn't seem to care if you two are able to get together? I would seriously be questioning this. After this long, you should be a major priority in his life. Sure he's probably got a lot on his plate, a lot on his mind...but that's no excuse to me. I actually dated a guy for 2 years who was a lot like your guy. He took no initiative in the relationship after about the first 5 or 6 months- I guess when the newness wore off. He was very very dedicated to school, playing in the jazz band, and doing things with his family that didn't include me. He rarely called me or planned anything for us to do. And when I would tell him my feelings about these things, he would often say something like your guy does, "I never knew." or "I didn't notice." It would pretty much end there too. He might would try for a few weeks to be what I needed, but then it was back to the same old-same old. I prayed and hoped so much for things to change. I truly loved this guy. But we were young and too different. We never would have made it in the long run. Also though, I am thankful for our relationship because I learned so much (literally), and because of the way it helped me strengthen my relationship with the Lord.

I have been with my current boyfriend for a year now, and I know that he is a blessing from God. He is thoroughly dedicated to me and makes me a priority no matter what. He's so understanding and compassionate; I couldn't ask for more. Really, really talk to your guy. I'm not bragging, but you- and everyone else- deserve to have the same joy that I have found in someone else. All the best to you. Oh, and about trying what you said. I say go ahead and do it. I tried it with my ex several times, and it worked about half the time. But just make sure you talk to him too.

 

[Briseis]

Well, it has a lot to do with his culture. He is from south Asia. It is not simply his heritage, he was born and raised there. And for them, men dont usually get married until they are older, and completely settled. Once they have their life figured out, then they can go and get a wife without too work work (it may sound as if I am speaking negatively of this, but that is not my intention). In fact, this is how things went for his sister. She never dated a guy before. Now, she is 20, and she will soon be marrying a 27 year old man who has his career and life all figured and settled.

But me and my bf started dating in high school, so I would expect things to go the way things go around here. We date until we decide we want to get married, then we get married. But no, not for him. Even though he has a gf, which is not the norm, he still plans on doing the rest according to his culture. Get a career, a bulk of a savings, a house and a settled life, then, go get a wife, me. The problem is, I have been on the side waiting for him to be ready, all these years.

One of the answers he gives me when I tell him how I feel is, "I''m doing it for you." The harder he works now, the more comfortably he can take care of me when he is finally ready. No matter how much I emphasize it, he doesnt seem to understand that I dont care about all the things he thinks he needs to accomplish. I would marry him now even though he only has a small apartment and works at a cell phone store. But he has to concentrate on work for now, not me, because that is the stage he is at. Once he has work his way up to a place he believes is good enough for me, then, he can concentrate on me.

 

[Blank123]

i can understand him wanting to focus on figuring things out for the future and getting his act together in order to take that step with you but you need to let him know that seeing him take an active interest in your relationship is important to because when everything falls on one person to take the initiative every time then it becomes too easy to feel like the other person doesn't care and the relationship suffers.

it doesn't have to be all of nothing even if he is focused on figuring out the future, he can still take some initiative in the relationship and show you the attention you deserve to be shown. i don't know that ignoring him until he gets the hint would be the right way to go. If you do get the reaction you were hoping for then that just sets things up for whenever things don't go the way you think they should be going to resort to games like this to see how he'd react. If you cannot communicate and work out issues now when the dynamics of the relationship are being put in place then how will you be able to talk and work things like this out when you're married?

You need to find a time when you can sit down with him and really spell it out for him how his behaviour makes you feel and what you need out of this relationship. Be careful not to come across as attacking his character though just focus on telling him how what he's doing (or not doing) makes you feel. And then if you notice him trying to make a bigger effort to give you what you need let him know how much you appreciate him doing that for you, encourage him to keep it up.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

i can understand him wanting to focus on figuring things out for the future and getting his act together in order to take that step with you but you need to let him know that seeing him take an active interest in your relationship is important to because when everything falls on one person to take the initiative every time then it becomes too easy to feel like the other person doesn't care and the relationship suffers.

it doesn't have to be all of nothing even if he is focused on figuring out the future, he can still take some initiative in the relationship and show you the attention you deserve to be shown. i don't know that ignoring him until he gets the hint would be the right way to go. If you do get the reaction you were hoping for then that just sets things up for whenever things don't go the way you think they should be going to resort to games like this to see how he'd react. If you cannot communicate and work out issues now when the dynamics of the relationship are being put in place then how will you be able to talk and work things like this out when you're married?

You need to find a time when you can sit down with him and really spell it out for him how his behaviour makes you feel and what you need out of this relationship. Be careful not to come across as attacking his character though just focus on telling him how what he's doing (or not doing) makes you feel. And then if you notice him trying to make a bigger effort to give you what you need let him know how much you appreciate him doing that for you, encourage him to keep it up.

Little Tigress, you gave better advice than me I believe. So, thumbs up to ya!


Briseis, I understand your situation much better now. I'm sorry if I came across as harsh at all or anything like that. It must be tough for you at times, and it is obvious that you truly care for him. Does he ever say if he feels torn, or if it is difficult for him- I mean, does he ever talk about his feelings regarding balancing a relationship and also doing what he just feels is right, what he's learned from his culture? Just curious.

 

[Briseis]

Well, he does tell me how he wishes i could be there to cook for him, cuz he cant cook and i love to cook, and to take care of him. I'm totally traditional when it comes to being a wife, and him being from a third world country where they are even more traditional, he's lucky he found me. He doesnt say he's struggling, but he says things that lets me know he wishes we could have already started out life together. And he also told me he is jealous that his sister got to get married first since she is younger than him.

 

[somethingBEAUTIFUL]

Hm, ok. I guess really what I was getting at though was whether he ever talked about how maybe he wished you guys could spend more time together NOW- just as a couple, just as boyfriend and girlfriend. How often do ya'll get to see one another in a week?

 

[Briseis]

About twice, but its not his faulty. its kinda of complicated. Its our schedules.

 

[KGirl]

Also, it is about priorities. There are periods where work will make it harder, but I don't think people should prioritize work over the people most important to them. Also, I recomment "The Five Love Languages". If you need him to make some effort to feel more loved, it is good to let him know that.