He left me b/c of my past

[Stirleyyy]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me. I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

what did you say like 50 guys or something?

 

[lifetheuniverse]

You say for two years your past showed up and wouldn't let you two alone. What do you mean by this?

Do you mean to say that you had desires for sexual fulfillment and he didn't?

If that is the case then it's quite natural. Once people begin to engage in sex and enjoy it their desires and personality towards it change. They become accustomed to various things and other things which might be quite exciting to a virgin become boring if not stale to them. It's just different skill levels and different evolutions of interest in this activity. Don't worry. Most christian single guys have had pre-marital sex before so there be plenty to meet who have similar number of partners and types of sexual interests as you.

 

[bliz]

Consider yourself to have seen his true character and theology before you were married to him. I have to wonder what he truly believes about the redemptive power of the blood of Jesus...

I know it is painful right now, but you will be glad in the long run. You deserve someone who adores you, not someone who can't tolerate you.

 

[efiie81]

this is really sad - however in my opinion, if he truly loves you and it is meant to be, he will realsie he is being silly and will come back to you.

 

[Windmill]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me.

Firts red flag.

Forgive you? Screw him. You don't need forgiveness from him! You didn't wrong him. You owe him nothing. You as a Christian owe your virginity to the Lord. It is God that you sinned against, not him! He NEVER had a right to taking your viriginty! What a loser thing to do, to pray for "forgiveness".

Normally I'd be much nicer on him, but I don't feel nice today look you didn't owe him your viriginty. Its perfectly fine (though sad) of him to say, I don't feel comfortable dating a non-virigin, and he can list his insecure reasons off. But its NOT OK for him to feel robbed! For one thing, YOU never owed him a relationship! So if you never owed him a relationship in the first place, its not like you owed him your virginity either! Its not like you had any ties to him in the first place! Don't ever feel like you wronged him.

I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

He is insecure. If you're truly in-love with someone, it would break your heart to leave them over this. So if his heart seems broken, then he was in-love with you, but his insecurities got the better of him. People can be in-love but when their partner cheats, they cannot trust them and so it hurts too much, and so they break up, but breaking up kills them inside too, because they're still in-love.

Now, unlike a partner who is the victim of cheating, you never wronged him, since you owed him no clean past. He isn't entitled to this as an inherient right. So I don't feel sorry for him. But he might not be able to trust you due to his insecurities, and so broke it off.

Perhaps he was never in-love with you. If he seems fine, this is a likely scenario. Regardless: unless he changes his mind and see's you owed him nothing, and can trust you, then it is best for you to leave him be!

God as per NT does not punish people for their pasts, he forgives and moves on, New Covenant FTW!

 

[Windmill]

Hi all, thanks for your replies. It has been over three months and I am still hurt from this experience. God is slowly healing me and drawing me closer to Him. =) I've learned so much about myself and Him through this and am happy to say that although its painful, it's def. necessary for growth. A quick update (for those interested)... my ex and I have exchanged emails, text msgs, and a couple of phone calls but other than that, I am trying to keep our distance. I still love him, and its very hard for me to not keep in touch with him (although one of you recommended I should avoid him). He shows little interest in staying in touch with me and yes, I know that should be a sign that I should just let him go. I feel so foolish for being unable to let him go so easily. Believe me, I am doing my best. If you could pray for me, I would appreciate it. Thanks all for reading and replying. I am doing better and I have you to thank =)

You aren't foolish, you're in love and, based on what you've said here, it sounds like he isn't. It is hard to impossible to change ones feelings. Don't beat yourself up over it, but just remind yourself that you should not feel the guilty party here.

 

[DCHSKNIGHT]

Hey sister...

I might say some things that offend people but oh well.. don't really care...

Ok so first things first... you had sex before you where married... If you have take care of that between you and God... then that is that. The bible is clear.. That if we confess our sins he faithful to for give us and remove all unrighteousness from us. If you ahve taken care of the God and you part that little boy had no place to Forgive you... you did not offend him. You offended God.

second... What a child that 'boy' must be. 'Men' like that make me so hopping mad. They seem to have this train of thought that because they are 'Virgins" that they are better then people who are not.. The seem to forget that Christ said, That if you even look at a woman in lust, you ahve already commited adultry in your heart. He seems to forget who he is. A sinner. If he has ever looked at Pornography or any thing... he is in the same boat.

To be honest my sister, you seem to have wasted two years of your life with that Boy. but then agian you have learned a valueable leason. This is the leason I see...

find a man... not a boy. A man.. a true man would love you for who you are, right where you are. Because we as men are to love our women as Christ loves the Church, in that, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Christ gave everything for his bride, even though she whored her self out to other gods(Not saying your harlot dont think that), even though she was dirty and worthless. As the book of revolations says, He has treaded the wine presses and his cloack is dipped in blood. Christ will destroy all and slaughter all who get in his way, when it comes to bride. that is the man you need. That is the man you should pursue. A man who will love you where you are, Love you for who you are, despite your flaws. A man who will remember that he is a sinner too and is as damaged as you are. Because we all are Damaged. Look for the man that will look your demons in the face, draw his sword and strike them down and stand his ground over you.

Sister also... remember do not settle. You have made a mistake yes. Such is life, Move on move forward. do not settle for just an average man. Demand to be treated like a princess and Demand to be treated with honor and respect. Demand to be treated exactly as you deserve. A child and daughter of the creator of the universe. Since you are his girl, you deserve a man that only God can give you, not a little boy who forgets his place.

I say all this, because I am a virgin. I am a man who is waiting till he is married. To be honest I really do expect this out of my future wife. BUT, I know that life does nto always take us down the same paths. I know that sin and temptation is aroudn every corner and the devil prowls aorund like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. I how ever am a sinner. I know that I have lied. I knwo that I have hated and there for murdered. (Bet you a boy wont tell you that. "Oh guess what honey, I am a murderer.") Since I am a sinner all i can truly expect out of my future wife, is that she is a sinner too. I can expect that whom ever i get married to I will endouver to wash her in the spirit and present her to my king as a spotless Garment and she ill present me a Mighty Warrior, that strode across the battle feilds for her. regardless of who or what she or I once were. Virgin or not, i will love my future wife, until the day I die and then I will walk hand in hand before my King. (Little melodramatic, I know What ever)

 

[DCHSKNIGHT]

Oh and as a little note to question #3...

There is no condemnation for those whom he calls Child. If you are his Daughter There is nothing but love and grace waiting for you. while this life is hard and not everything is the way it should be, rest assured that if you are his daughter you are forgiven and cradled in his hands. You are on the butt-end of the white horse, not in front of it!

Let me tell you I want to see Jesus's back when that day comes. Not his face. Because if you can see his face and you can see him coming, Your screwed.

 

[xspinningisfun]

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

Maybe, since you were his first girlfriend, he was expecting some perfect girl. High standards. There is no such thing as a perfect girl. I believe he loved you, but maybe that part of your past really upset him. But guess what? God still loves you and he's already forgiven you.

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

I don't know how to answer this? Since I don't know your boyfriend, I can't really answer.

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

Did you repent? Did you ask for forgiveness? Do you feel bad? THEN NO. He is NOT punishing you. Once you ask for forgiveness, God FORGETS.(Hebrews 8:12; 10:17).

Satan is going to bring those doubts in you, Satan is going to bring up the past to you. And he's going to try to convince you that you are NOT forgiven and that God IS punishing you. Yes, God does punish people. In the Bible it talks about that. But God is a fair God. Once you asked for forgiveness, God has already forgiven you. And he no longer remembers your sin.

 

[white dove]

Firts red flag.

Forgive you? Screw him. You don't need forgiveness from him! You didn't wrong him. You owe him nothing. You as a Christian owe your virginity to the Lord. It is God that you sinned against, not him! He NEVER had a right to taking your viriginty! What a loser thing to do, to pray for "forgiveness".

Normally I'd be much nicer on him, but I don't feel nice today look you didn't owe him your viriginty. Its perfectly fine (though sad) of him to say, I don't feel comfortable dating a non-virigin, and he can list his insecure reasons off. But its NOT OK for him to feel robbed! For one thing, YOU never owed him a relationship! So if you never owed him a relationship in the first place, its not like you owed him your virginity either! Its not like you had any ties to him in the first place! Don't ever feel like you wronged him.


He is insecure. If you're truly in-love with someone, it would break your heart to leave them over this. So if his heart seems broken, then he was in-love with you, but his insecurities got the better of him. People can be in-love but when their partner cheats, they cannot trust them and so it hurts too much, and so they break up, but breaking up kills them inside too, because they're still in-love.

Now, unlike a partner who is the victim of cheating, you never wronged him, since you owed him no clean past. He isn't entitled to this as an inherient right. So I don't feel sorry for him. But he might not be able to trust you due to his insecurities, and so broke it off.

Perhaps he was never in-love with you. If he seems fine, this is a likely scenario. Regardless: unless he changes his mind and see's you owed him nothing, and can trust you, then it is best for you to leave him be!

God as per NT does not punish people for their pasts, he forgives and moves on, New Covenant FTW!

Amen.

OP: As much as it hurts, this was clearly not the person for you. Perhaps it was his inexperience or his lack of spiritual maturity.. or maybe a combination, but it doesn't really matter. That is something he must confront God about. I pray that you can continue to move past this, find healing and be open to a man who is more mature and who truly cares for you.

 

[kuyura]

Why should he forgive you for your past? He had nothing to do with it, you did nothing wrong to him, we all have pasts.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

He was arrogant to think that you needed forgiveness from him, as if you harmed him in some way. That is pure hubris.

I'm sorry this happened, but don't think its your past that is at fault. It is his arrogant and naive attitude that kept the relationship from progressing.

Exactly. If a girl ever said that she needed to forgive me for somehing that happened before she was in the picture, I'm not sure I'd even talk to her again, let alone go on a date.

However, I will disagree with the crowd on two points. It is perfectly ok for him to say he only wants to marry a virgin. It's not a decision I would have made, but never having been there, not my place to call.

My other dispute is with those that say he obviously never loved her. You don't have the ability to see into his heart, so you don't know. Marriage counselors all over the world will tell you that love is not always enough. If he knows he can never get over her past, then letting her go rather than hang on to moe himself feel better is the greater love. He probably should have known for sure earlier though.

There is love and acceptance for you no matter what your past. You can find it if you look and only accept someone who is healthy for you.

 

[Reuburn]

You guys are biased in a way because she's the one asking for help. You must look at it from both ways. Sad to say I'm in the same situation with my girl. I'm a virgin and she had one before me for 2 years. She told me they did it everytime he came over. Her favorite position with him. She described how it was the first time. How they made a video of it. How do YOU think the guy would feel? Everytime I think about it I feel as though a needle is being poked through my heart. Sometimes i think taking a knife and slicing it in half wouldn't compare to the pain. I cry myself to sleep. I cry while praying. I appreciate her honesty. I truly do. But you must look at it from a guy's perspective. You have no idea the amount of pain I endure. Sometimes I wonder if she's the one for me, perhaps this is a sign that God is showing me that she isn't the right one? You must understand that your boyfriend may be suffering this kind of pain and finds it hard to show it to you face to face. People hide their true feelings so that they would not bring the hurt to others. For me the moment I found out I felt like my dreams were shattered. Ideals vanished. The way I looked at her changed. You are denying him one of the most important experiences a guy who waited should deserve. You may argue that this is not the way a christian should act but I love Him with all my heart. I love her and have the strength to sleep with her and not have sex. You can't help nor control these feelings. It may not seem rational or appropriate but I too wish I could set those feelings alight and cast them away.

 

[Kevin_Wright]

When I met my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend), I knew I wanted to marry him. I told him everything about my past so that there won't be any surprises later on. He was furious. He has never had a girlfriend before so he felt robbed that I had already lost my virginity. But through much prayer, he was able to forgive me. He asked me to be his girlfriend shortly after forgiving me. I had been nothing but faithful and loving to him. I never once let anything I do make him question my love for him. I reassured him every day that I love him and there is no one else. He loved me very much and did everything for me. I could not ask for a better man.

Although he forgave me, he kept bringing it up. For two years, my past kept showing itself and won't leave us alone. Finally, he called it off because he felt that he couldn't live with my past and that he would be lying to himself that he could. I am devastated. My heart hurts so much-- its unbearable. I feel so helpless that I cannot do anything about this. I could really use your wisdom and encouragement to make it through this. Please help me make sense of all this

1. Maybe he never really loved me because he gave up too soon on us (how can he say that 2 years is enough for him to know that he could never fully forgive me?).

2. I was his first girlfriend and I am scare to admit that he may be wondering what else is out there. I had my fun... now he wants his? (Yes, he is a believer)

3. I am being punished by God for my past...?

I am writing this in tears. Please please respond. Anything from you (my brothers and sisters in Christ) would help.

To be honest the way he has acted upsets me.

He should be asking for your forgiveness. If God has forgiven you for this, who in the world does he think he is?

 

[The Nihilist]

You guys are biased in a way because she's the one asking for help. You must look at it from both ways. Sad to say I'm in the same situation with my girl. I'm a virgin and she had one before me for 2 years. She told me they did it everytime he came over. Her favorite position with him. She described how it was the first time. How they made a video of it. How do YOU think the guy would feel? Everytime I think about it I feel as though a needle is being poked through my heart. Sometimes i think taking a knife and slicing it in half wouldn't compare to the pain. I cry myself to sleep. I cry while praying. I appreciate her honesty. I truly do. But you must look at it from a guy's perspective. You have no idea the amount of pain I endure. Sometimes I wonder if she's the one for me, perhaps this is a sign that God is showing me that she isn't the right one? You must understand that your boyfriend may be suffering this kind of pain and finds it hard to show it to you face to face. People hide their true feelings so that they would not bring the hurt to others. For me the moment I found out I felt like my dreams were shattered. Ideals vanished. The way I looked at her changed. You are denying him one of the most important experiences a guy who waited should deserve. You may argue that this is not the way a christian should act but I love Him with all my heart. I love her and have the strength to sleep with her and not have sex. You can't help nor control these feelings. It may not seem rational or appropriate but I too wish I could set those feelings alight and cast them away.

Grow up. If you can handle it, handle it. If you can't, be a man about it, tell her you're not right for each other, and move on. But don't hold it over her head, don't obsess about it, and, geez louise, don't tell the whole internet that you cried about it. You will get made fun of FOREVER.

 

[TruththroughGod]

hi,
Let me share my story with you, this might help.

I lost my virginity to a guy before I let God in and for the wrong reasons. I was 17, thought the guy I was with loved me, thought we had a future...we were only together for 7 months...and to be honest, the sex is what ruined our relationship. (I know this doesn't always happen, but it did in my case - as I said, I did it for the wrong reasons, and I was soo young...)

I got with my current boyfriend almost three years ago. We have had sex, and he was a virgin before...and knowing that makes me wish I would have waited, so we could have shared that moment together. This was also before I let God into my life. That wasn't until way recently.

I guess what I'm getting at is you should be thankful for the time spent with this guy...because if you ever run across another one like him, you will know to not pursue a relationship with him!!

I read something once... "A woman's heart should be so wrapped up in God that a man seeks Him to find her." I'm living my life with this in mind...you should too, because when you find a true man of God, he won't treat you the way this one did. I'll pray for you.

 

[Ready for the World]

Hello there,

Iam going through the exact same thing as your bf. Only Im in your bf's shoes. Your story fits me all too well. My gf told me everything from the start and it didnt bother me. Iam not going to leave her we are going to be together forever but its hard for me to deal with it. These thoughts pop into my head and it eats me alive but I must endure it if I love her.

I brought it up twice and boy did she give it to me. Now when I feel uncomfortable and these thoughts such as her first and so on pops into my head... I will just deal with it. She said "Why dont you just go get yourself a virgin." To be honest I dont want anyone else, just her.

 

[Ready for the World]

You guys are biased in a way because she's the one asking for help. You must look at it from both ways. Sad to say I'm in the same situation with my girl. I'm a virgin and she had one before me for 2 years. She told me they did it everytime he came over. Her favorite position with him. She described how it was the first time. How they made a video of it. How do YOU think the guy would feel? Everytime I think about it I feel as though a needle is being poked through my heart. Sometimes i think taking a knife and slicing it in half wouldn't compare to the pain. I cry myself to sleep. I cry while praying. I appreciate her honesty. I truly do. But you must look at it from a guy's perspective. You have no idea the amount of pain I endure. Sometimes I wonder if she's the one for me, perhaps this is a sign that God is showing me that she isn't the right one? You must understand that your boyfriend may be suffering this kind of pain and finds it hard to show it to you face to face. People hide their true feelings so that they would not bring the hurt to others. For me the moment I found out I felt like my dreams were shattered. Ideals vanished. The way I looked at her changed. You are denying him one of the most important experiences a guy who waited should deserve. You may argue that this is not the way a christian should act but I love Him with all my heart. I love her and have the strength to sleep with her and not have sex. You can't help nor control these feelings. It may not seem rational or appropriate but I too wish I could set those feelings alight and cast them away.

How do you deal with it? It bothers me too.

 

[Kevin_Wright]

How do you deal with it? It bothers me too.

By accepting that the majority of people don't wait until marriage.