He is sincerely sorry, yet he keeps cheating..

[PollyBlueGinger]

My Fiance and I have known each other since High school. It's been four years, and planning on getting married for almost a year.
When we first meet, I was falling from my faith, and he was a deist (someone who believes God has left the world). I liked him too much to care at the time.
This year, we both have Come to Christ (well, for me, again), we have remained abstinent for a couple months now.. I even moved out to cut off the lust. Its something I wasn't proud of, and I wanted to become pure again.. However my fiance has been struggling..

He is still new in his faith. We are attending church and bible study regularly. He even has our bible study leader to be accountable too... But in the last two weeks, I confronted him twice about Him talking to this other girl, and making plans with her... It's not the first time this has happened, nor has it been the same girl... and I ALWAYS found out, never has he confessed his lies first..He knows it's wrong, and how much it hurts me. But I'm worried about him falling again.. i'm worried His sincerity is a lie..

I love Him so much, and He's my Best friend. Our relationship is so GREAT, but he has these lust issues. I want to help him, but every person I talk to for advice just tells me to leave him.. because we aren't married yet and we are so young. I've already decided that the godly thing to do is to forgive him, try to rebuild our broken relationship, and help him understand what it means to be loved in a small way like our Heavenly father does for us. I'm reminded of Hosea and Gomer, and I'd rather love him and be a testimony than forsake my fiance.. Don't get me wrong either, it hurts so badly to find out his secrets.. It's almost unbelievable, because I thought I new everything about him and how his days are spent... but I blame myself for his lying, he has self esteem issues.. and I have a really bad temper.. when I find out what he's done, I let it out. and what I've appreciated about our relationship over any other was that I can be honest with him. Why can't he speak his mind?

I know we can grow, and he SAYS he wants that too. But I don't know how to help him, and I'm trying so hard to keep us together.. but its obviously not working..

Our engagement is so unsupported. Our parents aren't agreeing. My parents are actually on the brink of divorce.. It's ironic though, because my mum has actually had an affair, and my dad is verbally abusive... We are struggling with the same kind of issues! the only difference is that my parents (and my fiances too) are not Christians. I'm just afraid that my fiance will one day do the same thing.. leave me because their unhappy.. My mum talks to me all the time, telling me why she's so upset with dad. But I know my dad is just scrambling to make her happy, feeling unimportant, that nothing he says is worth a thing to her.. How they need the Lord!

Does anyone have any advice about what my fiance can do? Or How I can help him in his new faith, in this special situation?

 

[mina]

If it were me; i would sincerely leave.....at least not marry him until this is under control in his life. You deserve to be with someone that is not going to cheat on you-in any way. forgiveness doesn't always mean stay and let it happen again. Marriage shouldn't start out that way...... I don't think your anger is wrong in this situation.

You can not make him change; he has to want to change. He has to want it for both of you. If you are determined to marry him; then you both need to go to counseling. He needs to learn steps to not cheat on you- this is a repeated pattern for him and that is a huge red flag. These issues should be worked out and you should definitely not get married while they are still festering. Don't marry someone that you can not trust and who keeps secrets from you before marriage. Marriage will only intensify these issues.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

The title alone of this makes me shake my head. If he is sincerely sorry, then he'll work in it and stop doing it...if he's still doing it, then he's not sincere in his efforts to stop his behavior.

Leave him, you're far too young to get trapped with someone who obviously doesn't love or respect you.

 

[citizenthom]

Lies + cheating + converted "for you" + parental disapproval = the quadrafecta of major red flags. This is not a person you should marry, period.

 

[PollyBlueGinger]

You three are not giving me any biblical advice here, which is quite surprising.

This sounds like a cry for "help your self" and "be happy", but where do I rely and serve God in this situation?? I'm not looking to BE HAPPY, trials will come and perseverance in God will refine my relationship with God. If GOD tells me to leave him, I will follow Him.

Mat 5:32 "But I say that a man who divorces his wife, unless she has been unfaithful, cause her to commit adultery"

Jesus said that divorce is not permissible except for unfaithfulness. This does not mean that divorce should automatically occur when a spouse commits adultery. The word translated "unfaithful" implies a sexually immoral lifestyle, not a confessed and repented act of adultery. Those who discover that their husband or wife has been unfaithful should first make every effort to forgive, reconcile, and restore their relationship. We are always to look for reasons to restore the marriage relationship rather than for excuses to leave it.

If I were already married you would be discouraging me otherwise. In My heart I AM married to him, and I truly believe that God wants me to be His working hands in this young man's life, even if it ment not marrying until he was changed MORE by God (not me). He has some things that he's done wrong, and so have I. Our hearts can decieve us, and you know who tempts us, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God!
There is no "ONE" out there for me, for God would keep him FAR away from me. God wants us intimately, like a husband. I can make myself the one for my partner, and my partner he for me, but this is a chance to start fresh, rely on God so he can start a foundation in us.

Who am I to run and yet expect someone else to treat me any better OR show me God's love, when I cannot do the same?

I understand forgiveness doesn't mean you forget all that has happened, ONLY GOD can forget fully (Heb 10:16-17 ; Jer. 31:34). Our efforts are still like dirty rags, and only His Holy Spirit can work in him, Which I pray for daily now.

Neither do I think throwing him to the curb when he's cold without a coat (aka leaving him when he's obviously in need of biblical help). He's very alone, and I think this was a great opportunity to minister and encourage him. But most woman, if they were still not married, would LEAVE their partners if they had the chance. Why does that make so much sense, when the divorce rate is sky rocket high, and did I mention it's no different in the church??

If anyone has any BIBLICAL advice, not some self help door-out, would be MUCH appreciated!!!

 

[Melethiel]

14 Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?

Nobody is saying that you cannot remain friends with him and be a witness to him, but no good will come of it if you marry him right now.

You are NOT married yet, much as you may feel that you are, and therefore are NOT obligated to stay with him - quite the opposite.

 

[.Iona.]

I was engaged to a man who cheated on me twice. I am so glad I did not marry him.

 

[mina]

Is he willing to go to Biblical counseling? Again, you can't make him change. He has to want to change and want to be faithful to you. I don't think there is a Bible verse for you in this specific situation, b/c you are not married to him yet. Being married "in your heart" is not Biblical. You can forgive him; but forgiveness doesn't always mean let yourself be put in the same situation again. Are you showing God's love by taking him back each time or are you enabling him and teaching him that it's ok to treat you and your relationship like this b/c you are going to take him back each time? Even in marriage, there is only so much you can do on your own- he has to WANT to change and show it consistantly. Nothing will change unless he takes the iniative to do so. Probably everyone is telling you to leave b/c it's so much easier (legally, financially, emotionally, etc) to marry someone who won't cheat on you than to marry someone who will and then have your marriage fall apart b/c of it. We all are sinful; but that doesn't mean set your marriage up for hardship from the get go by marrying or intending to marry someone who shows no remorse for cheating on you. Do you really want any children you may have to grow up with a father that cheats on their mother? That is tremendously unhealthy! There is more to destroy by adultery after marriage. The divorce rate is so high b/c probably most people don't think about the kind of person they are marrying. They see red flags and push forward anyway and then it blows up in their face after marriage and children. And then it affects the kids negatively and the cycle continues. God thinks a lot about marriage and faithfulness; adultery was punshiable by death in the OT.

Proverbs 6:32 32 But a man who commits adultery has no sense;
whoever does so destroys himself

Again, I will say-DO NOT marry him unless he is proactively seeking help and committing to change and then doing it. He won't only destroy himself if he continues cheating after marriage; he will destroy your marriage and the lives involved in that union.

 

[tranz4md]

My Fiance and I have known each other since High school. It's been four years, and planning on getting married for almost a year.
When we first meet, I was falling from my faith, and he was a deist (someone who believes God has left the world). I liked him too much to care at the time.
This year, we both have Come to Christ (well, for me, again), we have remained abstinent for a couple months now.. I even moved out to cut off the lust. Its something I wasn't proud of, and I wanted to become pure again.. However my fiance has been struggling..

He is still new in his faith. We are attending church and bible study regularly. He even has our bible study leader to be accountable too... But in the last two weeks, I confronted him twice about Him talking to this other girl, and making plans with her... It's not the first time this has happened, nor has it been the same girl... and I ALWAYS found out, never has he confessed his lies first..He knows it's wrong, and how much it hurts me. But I'm worried about him falling again.. i'm worried His sincerity is a lie..

I love Him so much, and He's my Best friend. Our relationship is so GREAT, but he has these lust issues. I want to help him, but every person I talk to for advice just tells me to leave him.. because we aren't married yet and we are so young. I've already decided that the godly thing to do is to forgive him, try to rebuild our broken relationship, and help him understand what it means to be loved in a small way like our Heavenly father does for us. I'm reminded of Hosea and Gomer, and I'd rather love him and be a testimony than forsake my fiance.. Don't get me wrong either, it hurts so badly to find out his secrets.. It's almost unbelievable, because I thought I new everything about him and how his days are spent... but I blame myself for his lying, he has self esteem issues.. and I have a really bad temper.. when I find out what he's done, I let it out. and what I've appreciated about our relationship over any other was that I can be honest with him. Why can't he speak his mind?

I know we can grow, and he SAYS he wants that too. But I don't know how to help him, and I'm trying so hard to keep us together.. but its obviously not working..

Our engagement is so unsupported. Our parents aren't agreeing. My parents are actually on the brink of divorce.. It's ironic though, because my mum has actually had an affair, and my dad is verbally abusive... We are struggling with the same kind of issues! the only difference is that my parents (and my fiances too) are not Christians. I'm just afraid that my fiance will one day do the same thing.. leave me because their unhappy.. My mum talks to me all the time, telling me why she's so upset with dad. But I know my dad is just scrambling to make her happy, feeling unimportant, that nothing he says is worth a thing to her.. How they need the Lord!

Does anyone have any advice about what my fiance can do? Or How I can help him in his new faith, in this special situation?

Hi PBG,

Your words, "I confronted him twice about Him talking to this other girl, and making plans with her... It's not the first time this has happened, nor has it been the same girl... and I ALWAYS found out, never has he confessed his lies first..He knows it's wrong, and how much it hurts me. But I'm worried about him falling again.. i'm worried His sincerity is a lie.." sound all too much like my situation. However, I chose to marry this man. Marriage doesn't change a person's heart, believe me, it is only Christ who can do that.

My advice to you from one who truly knows what your are facing, and I know this is hard, easier said than done, but RUN, RUN, RUN the other way. I would not want to see anyone have to deal with the hurt, betrayal, pain, depression, oppression, confusion, distrust, suspicion, I have come to know since this man's presence in my life.

I thought things like, I'm strong enough to deal with it, he'll change, I'll show him God's way, if we get married it will be different. It's been 5 years since we met and he just lied to me last week, again. It's very tormenting not to know truth from lies. Be good to yourself, God only wants the best for you. Let go of this guy and put him in the hands of God and if God wants him to be your husband it will be. Don't take it in your own hands to choose like I did unless you are ready to accept whatever infidelity and unfaithfulness that comes.

Our choices determine our destiny be very careful with them!!


God Bless you and I pray you choose to obey His Word on this issue you are dealing with!!

 

[tranz4md]

PBG,

Read this post I posted the night I joined this site. Tell me what your feelings are after you've read it.

Hi everyone, I'm brand new here and this is my first thread. I hope to be an encouragement to others within this community but right at the moment I could use a little encouraging myself!

i was just lying on my bed crying my eyes out once again. This has become quite a common behavior for me lately. i have been recently encountering greater and heavier depression as a result of deceit and lies from my husband.

This has been a battle for well into 5 years now. I feel I'm getting what I deserve to some extent because I chose to begin a relationship with this man knowing he was not following the Lord. I myself was following the Lord only halfheartedly. Had I been following Him with my whole heart I'm sure I would have run in the other direction from this man. However, I did not and here I am 5 years later married to him and in a severe state of depression of which I have never felt before.

I am tormented in my mind daily and in the pit of my gut not knowing the truth from the lies. I don't even know him and he's my husband!! Yikes!! Severe mental anguish going on over all this. He has been such a smooth talker with these lies, ever so believable. Truly the things I have found out are slowly eroding my hope and faith from the inside out.

I have begun to lash out at God and say things I know deep within I don't mean, like if God loved me soooo much why has He not rescued me from this ensuing torment. Then I think, "it's your own fault you are just reaping the consequence for the disobedient choice to be with him in the first place."

Please let me share this writing I wrote earlier this afternoon after being on the phone with him and finding out yet another lie he has told me.

"Lies have torn away the fabric of my soul they slowly erode my hope from the inside out. Stained with the ever ensuing torment of distrust that permeates me now, I seek death for my hope and faith have been crushed. Seemingly innocent lies did you not know they could destroy a soul, a soul once filled with peace, joy, and clarity? How do I get free from this torment strangling the life out of me? It chases me. My love for God is strong, it must be my faith that's lacking? If God says He'll protect me then why do I continue to be gripped by this onslaught of UNtruths? Is it the enemy? Satan! The wicked one! The father of lies who wants to destroy me. I feel weak, hopeless, and helpless. Is this the very place old Lucifer wants to find me? Useless for the Kingdom, unequipped and unarmed for the battle? He can't take my life eternally. His scheme is to keep me from making a difference in the lives of others for the glory of God. Lies have been his tactic to mar my spirit. This wicked one has come to steal, kill, and destroy! Pure unblinded love left an opening for attack, for how can the truest of love lie? One does not love by weaving webs of lies. This comes only from the enemy of our souls. We are our own worst enemy for without the putting on of the full armor of God we cannot resist the serpent who cunningly preys on humanity's weak nature. Tears stream from my cheeks for lies cut off the life-breath of real relationship. It is a toxic acid that peels back the flesh and lays the heart open bare. It wreaks havoc in the soul of the truthful desiring to live in the light but downtrodden by the prince of darkness through lies. Terrible plight! It is the beguiler who delivers death's sting. The blow strikes the heart and mind and such great sorrow it brings rendering it unable to believe. Believing now only what it can see because of lies twisting and mangling cruelty. Lies make a person's mind not know what to believe. Imagine the torment in that!! That's why the devil is the father of lies. He seeks to bring torment into our lives."

I'm sorry for such a long thread. I am a writer and when I am discouraged this is what I do. Maybe someone will find meaning in these words and it will help them in some way.

I just need some brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside me and pray for my marriage and maybe give me some encouraging words in the Lord!! My spirit is willing but my flesh is weak!! I'm feeling very opressed.

 

[RealDealNeverstop]

To the OP: as an ex-player I can tell you there is nothing you can do to help him while he js your fiance. He is using you as his bedrock and seeks others to fulfill his insecurities. He knows what to say to keep you around. If you marry this person it will be one.of the worst mistakes of your life. I suggest breaking off the engagement until he can work on himself because you are doing nothing but enabling him. If you love him then do what is best for him, no matter how much you will miss him.

 

[Melethiel]

As for the divorce rate - unfaithfulness is the ONE situation where God allows divorce. It's a big deal, and if you go on to marry him without his true repentance, you are only setting yourself up for failure. A godly husband will love his wife as Christ loves the church, and cheating has no part in that.

 

[citizenthom]

You three are not giving me any biblical advice here, which is quite surprising.

You're getting Biblical advice here, sister. You are not married to this man. He has not made the marriage commitment to you, nor you to him. You have not dedicated your union before God or the church. You are not married, and you are not obligated to marry him just because of your past sins.

When you have sinned, you are to repent from it, and then move past it. Letting your past sin control your future life is incompatible with the Christian walk. That's the Biblical answer here. You are not tied to this man because of past sin. Moving forward you should be evaluating both his fitness for marriage and your own on Biblical criteria; the fact that he was complicit in your past sin is not one of those criteria.

Honesty and fidelity, however, are--and major ones at that. You admit he has not practiced either with you.

 

[NvxiaLee]

It should be considered whether his acceptance of Christ is sincere or just a ploy to please his girlfriend.

If this guy is "cheating", I'd guess he's hedging his bet. After all, his girlfriend moved out and stopped putting out. He likely takes this as a warning that the relationship is in trouble.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

You three are not giving me any biblical advice here, which is quite surprising.
In My heart I AM married to him

but you are NOT married to him. It doesn't matter what you feel or think, you are NOT married to this man. He has cheated on you, and continues to do so. Even God, who does hate divorce, says that if you were married (and again, you're NOT) that it would be justified for you to divorce him..what on earth makes you think you can't leave him now when you're NOT even married?

The bible also teaches us not to be with non believers and you're trying your hardest to stay with one that doesn't even care for you.

 

[RealDealNeverstop]

but you are NOT married to him. It doesn't matter what you feel or think, you are NOT married to this man. He has cheated on you, and continues to do so. Even God, who does hate divorce, says that if you were married (and again, you're NOT) that it would be justified for you to divorce him..what on earth makes you think you can't leave him now when you're NOT even married?

The bible also teaches us not to be with non believers and you're trying your hardest to stay with one that doesn't even care for you.

It looks like she's wanting a biblical cure for his infidelity while simultaneously setting up an escape hatch in case she marries him and he...surprise surprise...is unfaithful.

 

[dewba]

I'm confused. Perhaps I missed something in your post...

But in the last two weeks, I confronted him twice about Him talking to this other girl, and making plans with her... It's not the first time this has happened, nor has it been the same girl... and I ALWAYS found out, never has he confessed his lies first..He knows it's wrong, and how much it hurts me. But I'm worried about him falling again.. i'm worried His sincerity is a lie..

How do you define "cheating"?

 

[RealDealNeverstop]

I'm confused. Perhaps I missed something in your post...



How do you define "cheating"?

That is cheating. This isn't the Clinton Spin Fidelity School!

 

[RealDealNeverstop]

As for the divorce rate - unfaithfulness is the ONE situation where God allows divorce. It's a big deal, and if you go on to marry him without his true repentance, you are only setting yourself up for failure. A godly husband will love his wife as Christ loves the church, and cheating has no part in that.

I don't think the word unfaithful in that context is limited to cheating with another person. There are many forms of being unfaithful in a marriage where no cheating with another person is involved.

 

[Melethiel]

I don't think the word unfaithful in that context is limited to cheating with another person. There are many forms of being unfaithful in a marriage where no cheating with another person is involved.

Maybe so, but the OP asked about cheating in particular.