He is sincerely sorry, yet he keeps cheating..

[dewba]

OP:

If by cheating, you mean adultery:

if they cheated on you, sexually, then you have every right to end it but you also have the right to forgive, as the Lord our God forgave us. So if you want to put yourself through that situation, then it it your choice. God has given you a way out, if he did commit adultery but remember:

"Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body."
1 COR 6:18

The Bible says that once you are joined, you are one flesh. If he commits adultery with his body, then by definition, it is your body too and therefore are committing adultery also.

"But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace."
1 COR 7:15

God is calling you to peace, girl.

In your case, your partner truly doesn't see the cost of breaking a commandment that he so obviously is aware of. True ignorance is a different story but blatantly defying God is not very Christian.

"Keep your way far from her, and do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your honor to others and your years to the merciless, lest strangers take their fill of your strength, and your labors go to the house of a foreigner, and at the end of your life you groan, when your flesh and body are consumed," Proverbs 5:8-11

Do you believe that strangers will take fill of your strength if you stay with him and he keeps on blatantly disregarding God's commandments?

You can still help him, if you're not with him, if you feed him what is truly the word of God. God is giving you a way out. You can take God's gift and have one less stress in your life and possibly find a true God-fearing man or you can basically put yourself through something God isn't FORCING you to go through. We don't know the future and that means that it is possible for your current guy to start fearing God truly and to seriously become an asset in your relationship, if you both choose to do so, but although anything is possible with the Lord, trust is NOT easy to recuperate and you seriously need to test him HARD, if he wants you back. I mean, SERIOUSLY test him because as you already know, it IS hard to trust a man who has already cheated on you.

Psalm 118:8 It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man.

So don't put your trust in him but instead put your trust in God. Take your time in making your decision because you do have options; God has provided you with an exit, if he truly committed adultery.

 

[bhaskarbhai2011]

it very nice thought
Lies + cheating + converted "for you" + parental disapproval = the quadrafecta of major red flags. This is not a person you should marry, period.

 

[biscuitfeatures]

You seem like a smart girl - willing to wait until your issues are sorted before getting married.

He has a problem, which is that he can't seem to control his "urges." He has indicated that he wants to stop, but can't seem to resist temptation. Clearly, this is the position of many men, and many women are living in distress because of it. The one piece of advice I can give is this: don't believe the lie that the cheating is the real issue. There is a need he is trying to fulfill out of his brokeness, and until that need is addressed, he is never going to be free from this cycle of temptation, sin, then guilt.

First of all I would suggest you and him reading the book "Wild at Heart" for some possible clues as to those underlying problems. I'd also suggest looking for a good Christian counsellor who can help him work through stuff (and you as well, if you are experiencing anger problems, etc). Find someone who won't just sit there saying, "uh-huh, uh-huh, and how does that make you feel?" but someone who isn't afraid to dig deep and ask the questions that need asking.

Don't give up on him. Keep yourself safe by putting some distance between you and he, but don't just assume he's a hopeless case. Really, he's just a broken man, hurting like all of us.

 

[MoyoTerry]

Leaving this man is not the solution to this problem. Instead you could meet someone even worse than he is. Nobody is perfect, and if you think your man aint cheating, then you are being ignorant. Some women are actually lucky to have a man confess their infidelity. If you have set your mind to be with this guy and as you said you love him, you will have to fight for what's rightfully yours. As for his faith; 1Cor 7:12-16 says "But to the others I say, yes I, not the Lord. If any brother has an unbelieving wife, and yet she is agreeable to dwelling with him, let him not leave her, and a woman who has an inbelieving husband, and yet he is dwelling with her, let her not leave her husband. For the inbelieving husband not sanctified in relation to his wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified with the relation to the brother. Otherwise your children would really be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbelieving one proceeds to depart let him depart; a brother or a sister is not in servitude under such circumstances, but God has called you to peace. For, wife, how do you know but that you will save your husband? Or, husband, how do you know but that you will save your wife? "

 

[LinkH]

Responding to the OP here.

Lying is bad. How do you define 'cheating.' It seems kind of silly-- sorry about that-- when dating couples say the other one was 'cheating' for some non-sexual, non-affair behavior. Are they engaging in sexual activity, kissing, holding hands, sending sexual text or Facebook messages? Is he just calling female friends on the phone? Could it be a case of your being a bit too jealous? Could he be lying to keep you from being jealous?

If your father doesn't agree with the marriage and he hasn't gotten parental consent, there is an out right there for you. There's engagement, and then there is engagement. You can tell him you can't marry him unless your parents approve, and they don't approve of him cheating on you. Then you can break up with him or give him some time to get straightened out.

If you have something more solid to accuse him of cheating over than your being jealous over him having innocent female friends, and you are not under any ethical obligation to marry him, why keep moving in that direction. During the engagement phase of your relationship, if he is really interested in lots of other women--sexually and romantically, that's not a good sign. Sure, you aren't at the same level of commitment. If he were just casually dating you, and he was interested in something else, that might not be as big of a deal. But if he's proposed, he should be very interested in you at this stage of the relationship. What happens when you get married and he is accustomed to sexual activity, if he has a wondering eye and heart? If he is chatting up girls now and asking them out, if you get married, how will he be?

Maybe you should let him work on himself for a while and his relationship with the Lord. It could be if he's looking for other girlfriends that he's not that into your relationship, too.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

This is just my opinion but men mature slower then women. I assume hes around 21 also? If so then he needs more to mature. I've always said we truly mature around 30 because thats when we seem to realize what we really want in life. If hes still cheating at 30, then he will continue to do so until hes dead likley.

Move on and find someone that will appreciate you and take a relationship seriously.

 

[MoyoTerry]

That is so true. Most men under 30 still want to explore and be adventurous. Most people who settle down with a man. Below the age of 30 always have problems. Its either he parties alot; he has too many female friends; cheats; or some other thing distructing him from your union. That is why he will keep apologising and repeating the same mistake. Being engaged to him means you are very special and he wants to be with you. He is hoping you will stick around until he is mature, but for now you will have to wait until he is mature enough, and that's when he will marry you and is willing to commit. Every bad habit has and optimum point, and when that point is reached that will be when he is 30 where he will sit down and measure himself and his accomplishments whether positive or negative. I suggest if you are willing to wait, just give him space and focus on yourself and strengthening your faith in God for now. Don't be the nagging fiance. Since you used to stay together and decided to move out he is filling that void by spending time with other women. Remember him in your prayers and tell God what you want and eventually it shall be. Although it will not happen over night but if he is the one you want to be married to, God shall prepare him for you and when the time is right, he shall be all that you desire. Prayer is key and remember to be patient.

 

[Grace51]

My Fiance and I have known each other since High school. It's been four years, and planning on getting married for almost a year.
When we first meet, I was falling from my faith, and he was a deist (someone who believes God has left the world). I liked him too much to care at the time.
This year, we both have Come to Christ (well, for me, again), we have remained abstinent for a couple months now.. I even moved out to cut off the lust. Its something I wasn't proud of, and I wanted to become pure again.. However my fiance has been struggling..

He is still new in his faith. We are attending church and bible study regularly. He even has our bible study leader to be accountable too... But in the last two weeks, I confronted him twice about Him talking to this other girl, and making plans with her... It's not the first time this has happened, nor has it been the same girl... and I ALWAYS found out, never has he confessed his lies first..He knows it's wrong, and how much it hurts me. But I'm worried about him falling again.. i'm worried His sincerity is a lie..

I love Him so much, and He's my Best friend. Our relationship is so GREAT, but he has these lust issues. I want to help him, but every person I talk to for advice just tells me to leave him.. because we aren't married yet and we are so young. I've already decided that the godly thing to do is to forgive him, try to rebuild our broken relationship, and help him understand what it means to be loved in a small way like our Heavenly father does for us. I'm reminded of Hosea and Gomer, and I'd rather love him and be a testimony than forsake my fiance.. Don't get me wrong either, it hurts so badly to find out his secrets.. It's almost unbelievable, because I thought I new everything about him and how his days are spent... but I blame myself for his lying, he has self esteem issues.. and I have a really bad temper.. when I find out what he's done, I let it out. and what I've appreciated about our relationship over any other was that I can be honest with him. Why can't he speak his mind?

I know we can grow, and he SAYS he wants that too. But I don't know how to help him, and I'm trying so hard to keep us together.. but its obviously not working..

Our engagement is so unsupported. Our parents aren't agreeing. My parents are actually on the brink of divorce.. It's ironic though, because my mum has actually had an affair, and my dad is verbally abusive... We are struggling with the same kind of issues! the only difference is that my parents (and my fiances too) are not Christians. I'm just afraid that my fiance will one day do the same thing.. leave me because their unhappy.. My mum talks to me all the time, telling me why she's so upset with dad. But I know my dad is just scrambling to make her happy, feeling unimportant, that nothing he says is worth a thing to her.. How they need the Lord!

Does anyone have any advice about what my fiance can do? Or How I can help him in his new faith, in this special situation?

sigh....

you can certainly help him by pray for him, and maybe find a good Christian counselor to discuss those struggles?


also just a brief reminder, God gave us free wills, we can certainly make any choices for ourselves.

but if you got married knowing his problem is not resolved...

well, you will have to end up taking resp for your choice.....

think about it.

 

[Luther073082]

Ok many things here.

1. You are not married to him. . . period. I don't care if you feel like you are married to him. You arn't married to him. All biblical marriages have historically required community recognition of the marriage. . . You do not have that. The only person who recognizes this marriage is you.

Their advice is biblical in this regard. Saying that you feel married to him in your mind doesn't make you anymore married to him then if I where to say that in my mind I'm the quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts actually makes me the quarterback of the Indianapolis Colts.

Just because you feel something doesn't make it true.

2. Could you please tell me what kind of plans he is making and what he's talking about? I mean based on what you are saying, I can presume that he is flirting with her, and lying about what he's doing with or saying to other girls definatly makes him look guilty, no denying that. But you arn't giving a whole lot of information other then "talking" and "making plans" but calling it cheating.

3. The whole "lust" issue, unless you are talking about him trying to sleep with other women is not going to ever go away. It's going to be something he always struggles with as a guy. No guy can honestly say that the only woman who looks good to him is his wife. Hopefully he can say she's looking good to him too. But it's not as though hot women just cease to be hot when you become a Christian.

Not defending sleeping with other women or even attempting to. But when you talk about the lust issue, I really wish you would be more specific as to what is going on.

4. Based on what I know now, this guy doesn't seem to be good marriage material. But I would like more information first.

 

[Sketcher]

Being as this all went down 16 months ago, I think there ought to be an update before any more advice is given.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

Oh I wanted to add (even though its an old topic), don't give up on him simply because he has an issue. Because if women were to give up on men for anything sexual they have in their lives, then most men would be single. Men have their issues with sexual stuff just like women have issues with body images and envy/jealousy.

Or as my mom told her mother when she got married "If you except to me to find someone to marry like Jesus then it will never happen. No one is perfect but Jesus."

 

[Istaly]

Hosea is not the scripture to quote here. God wouldn't ask a believer to do this if they are not married he being stubborn and lying is just a sign that he at Least needs to be completely separated from you until he gets it together on his own. If not your marriage will be hell