All I ever wanted was to live happy. I've cried out countless times for him to take my depression away, but no, it always just onslaughts me.
All I wanted was to be loved. But I'm not. And I certainly don't feel an inch of love coming from God. So, I have concluded that He either doesn't care, or He just doesn't exist. Why couldn't He just make me beautiful like the other girls that I see at my Church - that are so outgoing and funny and intelligent and are actually going somewhere in life.
"God has a plan for you"? No. That's a load of crap. And whatever plan that is, or was, then I certainly don't want it if it involves me having to go my whole life facing this everyday like I have for the majority of my life. Christianity just feels almost like a chore now; so full of expectations that I just can't meet up to. Just like everything else in life.
Sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time. I felt much the same way for a lot of years. From the time I was in Junior High till around the time I was 25. Then I went through another depression when I was 27 up until around last November.
It's not easy. Time and time again I failed. I dropped out of High School my Junior year. Went back and got my GED. Tried to go to college. Dropped out due to depression after a year. Tried to go to another college. Dropped out after a semester due to depression. Each failure starts to multiply and just bury you in depression. It's a weight that holds you down each day, and eventually comes to the point where it cripples you.
As you said, I prayed to God every night to take away the pain of it all. He never did. I asked God "Why do this to me? Why does everyone else get a normal life and I have to go through this?"
I'm 29. No job, only had a semi-relationship once (it never was official), and even that little bit caused me to go into depression for another 2 years. I live with my parents because up until now I've never been able to make it on my own. I couldn't face life. Every time I tried to go it alone I just failed, and it just made things worse.
By the world's definition of success I am complete failure. And I bought into that idea for the longest time. I felt worthless, rejected. Still do occasionally, it's a struggle. But I've found that throughout the years when I look back, even though God did not lift my depression He was still there. Sending help in the form of people I met, people online I talked to, different things that happened in my life, God was there to protect me even though if felt like He wasn't. I told my parents once "I give up, I'm done. I can't do this anymore no matter what I do is fail so I might as well not try anymore". This past Christmas after I had said that during the summer God gave me a gift in the form of a Siberian Husky as a way to say "I'm still here, I still care about you". And I know it was from God based on the circumstances of how it happened, I can tell you that story if you're interested. It's made a huge difference in my life.
I know it feels like God isn't there. That he's punishing us. But I know from personal experience, and years of depression, that you can get better. God will probably not choose to lift your depression instantly, nor will it be painfree or easy to get through it. But He will help you get through it if you allow Him to. For years I pushed people away, thinking they couldn't help. Perhaps if I had allowed someone to help me carry the burden I might have gotten out of it sooner I don't know. I know that you can't do it alone. And even the Christians who seem like they have it all together will go through hard times and struggles. They are just better at masking it at times.
God loves you for who you are. You're not worthless, and you're not unlovable. If you need someone to talk to, let me know. Feel free to send me a PM.
