he doesn't want to get married yet!

[bondade]

hey all.... i'm new here, but i really need some Christian advice.

i just turned 24 a few weeks ago. i've been with my boyfriend since i was just about 17 (we got together before i was saved, and he was saved a couple years after). i really want to get married already... i feel as though i just keep getting older and i'm ready for that next step. he didn't go to college right away so is now trying to get into a medical program that may take 3 yrs. or so to complete, and he wants to wait until he graduates (he's turning 25 next month).

we've been together for 7+ years, with a "failed engagement" about 3 years ago (i broke it off b/c once again he wouldn't commit himself to an actual date or timeframe). i just think it's borderline ridiculous to be with someone for so long, when both people know they want to get married, but just can't agree on a time! he absolutely does not want to get married until he finishes school b/c he doesn't want to have to worry about everyday problems in addition to school, but i'm getting very frustrated knowing i want to be with this person but i can't!

i can't ask other people in my life what they think, b/c we all know that the Christian circumstance is different--no pre-marital sex, no living together, and no going on vacations together. this makes my situation even more difficult, b/c it makes me crazy thinking our relationship has to remain in the same exact place it's been the past several years for a few MORE years.

so what do you think i should do? i broke up with him last year b/c of this issue, and he basically conned me (to convince me to get back together with him) by saying we'd get engaged and he'd set a date, but that was 10 months ago--when we had a talk last week he basically retracted everything and we haven't spoken since (about a week ago). do i break it off for good this time? do i stick with him? we love each other greatly.

many thanks to anyone who responds!

 

[bliz]

First, the average age for men to marry in the US at present is 27. If you marry in 3 years, he will be just one year older than average. Neither of you will have withered on the vine.

But apparently this has been the issue for rather a long time. You want to be married NOW and he does not want to be. This is not an issue about which you can compromise, and sort of get married, or be married just on weekends...

Enough with this on-again-off-again relationjship. If you thought that breaking up would bring him around to seeing your position, it obviously has not and will not work. So, make a decision... are you in this relationship for the long haul, marriage in 3 years, or 5 years, or, possibly, no marriage at all? Or, is it marriage now or no relatioship at all?

If you feel that he conned you into coming back to him, I'm not at all sure why you are still with him...

 

[HumbleBee]

Tiz totally understandable, you been together so long that you'd want to get married now. However...

red flag #1 Have you prayed about what God's Will and timing is for when you should get married? His allwise timing is obviously better, actually more perfect than yours. Maybe the roadblock from your SO is actually God saying "Whoa Nellie!" Ask God for the reasons before you do anything else! Praying His pleasing Will, not yours but His be done will make you the most joyous!

red flag #2 Your SO isn't willing at this time and forcing him to would not at all be a sweet start to a marriage that supposed to be for a lifetime. True love is patient! Would seem more your flesh than your spirit is making you hurry and insistent to get married. Your flesh is warring against your spirit! (See Galatians 5:13-26) Well done on your maintained virtue! You will be blessed!

red flag #3 You are both relatively young. Much character, faith, and relationship building would be forged in 3 years, making for a stable foundation to begin a lasting marriage upon!

red flag #4 Sounds like you are getting lessons in humble submission. Did you get engaged cuz of your persistence or cuz your SO really wanted to?

red flag #5 Being a youngish med student would be stressful enough...adding newlyweds to that equation... Are you seeking what is best for you or for your SO?

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

 

[madison1101]

My daughter dated for four years, till she was 25, and then he popped the question. His brothers waited longer, and some of them dated 7 years before getting married.

Having just finished grad school, I can understand his reluctance to marry while in school.

You have to really pray and ask God what He wants for your life. It sounds like you are telling everyone what you want. God needs to be put in charge here.

 

[InTheFlame]

Hmmmm.... interesting. The book 'Love Must Be Tough' (Dobson) comes to mind. In your situation, the action points I'd work out from that book would probably be:

- Move out (making yourself less available, so he has a chance to experience life without you... and work out whether he likes it or not)

- Go out on dates etc, but make sure you make time for your female friends a couple of times a week... and if he wants to see you at a time you've put aside for someone else, tell him you're busy then, and schedule him in some other time. This gives him the experience of not having you at his beck and call.

- Stop having sex for a few weeks, to see just what the relationship is based on. If it's based on love and respect, it may hurt him, but he'll understand (if you explain) that you're trying to do your best for the relationship... even if he doesn't understand the rationale. If it's based on need and selfishness, you'll probably see the relationship crumble and turn cold and/or ugly fairly fast. You won't feel close to him, or loved by him.

The problem with the above steps is that they require a few things of you. First, they require a lot of strength in you, and courage - to do the right thing for your future and his, even when it's uncomfortable and painful. Second, they require that you have a lot of trust in God and support from people around you. If you're living a life where your BF is the only person you love and trust, they'll be practically impossible... you'll want the reassurance of the relationship far more than you'll want a healthy, Godly relationship. Third, they require that you be willing to lose him from your life, for your good or for his.

God bless. Praying for you.

 

[fishstix]

I'd be most concerned about the fact that he's breaking promises. If he didn't intend to commit to a date the first time, he shouldn't have gotten engaged. If he didn't intend to get engaged, he shouldn't have promised it to get his girlfriend back. What you have typed makes the guy sound dishonest and manipulative. The Bible says that our yes should be yes and our no should be no. We aren't supposed to go back on our word.

I think you need to sit down with him and have a good talk. Perhaps you could set an actual date sometime in the future - even if it's 3 years from now - but make him understand that he can't back out of it, even if his schooling takes longer than he planned. That way he's committed to an actual date and timeframe, like you want, and it is after he should be done med school, like he wants. If you can't come to an agreement that both of you will stick with, then it's probably a good idea to move on and find someone who will follow through with what he promises to do.

 

[DIVA_for_Christ]

hey all.... i'm new here, but i really need some Christian advice.

i just turned 24 a few weeks ago. i've been with my boyfriend since i was just about 17 (we got together before i was saved, and he was saved a couple years after). i really want to get married already... i feel as though i just keep getting older and i'm ready for that next step. he didn't go to college right away so is now trying to get into a medical program that may take 3 yrs. or so to complete, and he wants to wait until he graduates (he's turning 25 next month).

we've been together for 7+ years, with a "failed engagement" about 3 years ago (i broke it off b/c once again he wouldn't commit himself to an actual date or timeframe). i just think it's borderline ridiculous to be with someone for so long, when both people know they want to get married, but just can't agree on a time! he absolutely does not want to get married until he finishes school b/c he doesn't want to have to worry about everyday problems in addition to school, but i'm getting very frustrated knowing i want to be with this person but i can't!

i can't ask other people in my life what they think, b/c we all know that the Christian circumstance is different--no pre-marital sex, no living together, and no going on vacations together. this makes my situation even more difficult, b/c it makes me crazy thinking our relationship has to remain in the same exact place it's been the past several years for a few MORE years.

so what do you think i should do? i broke up with him last year b/c of this issue, and he basically conned me (to convince me to get back together with him) by saying we'd get engaged and he'd set a date, but that was 10 months ago--when we had a talk last week he basically retracted everything and we haven't spoken since (about a week ago). do i break it off for good this time? do i stick with him? we love each other greatly.

many thanks to anyone who responds!

Let go and let God.

I was in a 9 year relationship of which the last 7 years I really wasn't happy, but I was engaged. I was settling because I still loved him, yet I wasn't in love anymore.

Long story short, I called off the wedding while we were planning because of things he was or wasn't saying or doing. There really was no commitment from him. I broke up with him and in two months he came back, telling me everything I needed and wanted to hear, only for me to realize two years later, he still had no intentions of making that true commitment to me. Once I realized that I broke off the whole thing. It is 3 years later, I'm single, no where near getting engaged but I thank God that I didn't settle and get married because I would be miserable. I've moved on, happy, feel complete as a person, not depending on a man to make me whole.

Don't get me wrong I desire a husband, but that desire is not controlling me. It's better to wait for God's best in His timing than to be miserable because we jumped into something on our own.

Wait on God and understand that even the right person at the wrong time can be chaos.

 

[Singin4Him]

I have to agree with everyone else, stop trying arrange things yourself and try to submit to what the Lord wants whether it be with or without this guy.

I would also like to add that a marriage that begins because one of the people felt pressured to enter into it will only cause you problems and certainly run the risk of later ending in divorce. The worst thing you can do is pressure a man to marry you, this is something that he should want just as much as you and certainly something he should initiate.

 

[bethdinsmore]

Humbling to read such good advice and wish I'd thought of it all too. I have just one more point to make, and that is, - do it God's way, and let the chips fall where they may. In your case, the first thing would be to abstain from all pre-marital sex. Even if that meant one of you would have to move to another town. I know it's a huge and difficult thing, but it is God's way. He can give you the power to do it.


1 Cor 10:13
13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
(NIV)

God bless you friend. I'll pray for your relationship. Aloha in Jesus

 

[HumbleBee]

FYI to posters in this thread...please read original post carefully, as this quote seems to imply bondade and her SO haven't lived together. What a testimony!

i can't ask other people in my life what they think, b/c we all know that the Christian circumstance is different--no pre-marital sex, no living together, and no going on vacations together. this makes my situation even more difficult, b/c it makes me crazy thinking our relationship has to remain in the same exact place it's been the past several years for a few MORE years.

 

[bondade]

FYI to posters in this thread...please read original post carefully, as this quote seems to imply bondade and her SO haven't lived together. What a testimony!

thank you for pointing that out to others... we don't live together, are abstaining, etc. just so that's clear to everyone.

and thanks for all the honest replies! i really appreciate it.

i would never force him to marry me... my question was more along the lines of do i stay with him even though i don't feel like a priority in his life and just hope in a few years time it'll work out, or do i just let it go and if it's God's will down the road, then it'll happen? i'm kind of leaning towards the latter b/c i feel like we both need some maturing spiritually and i wouldn't get married right now anyway--sorry i didn't make it clearer--i would've been happy with a 2 year or so engagement.

i'm feeling that i should let it go and depend on God to get me through it... it's so much easier that way. i would never accept a proposal now. i'm just a little po'ed b/c i wish he had told me all this last year when we broke up, rather than "telling me what i wanted to hear" so we would stay together. i was ready to move on then.

anyway, i gave him a letter saying all i had to say and he's going to respond soon... let you know what happens (if anyone cares).

 

[HumbleBee]

(if anyone cares).

Of course we care! We wouldn't have responded if we didn't!

 

[bethdinsmore]

I apologize. I misunderstood, thinking you were just re-stating Christian beliefs of others, and misunderstanding the term "been with" your boyfriend. rather than what you were actually doing.

Guess I've been out of the dating scene way too long.

 

[Antoinette.Marie]

My husband and I dated for 3 years before we got engaged. And we got married almost a year after that. I'm 29, he's going to be 39. All I can say is, don't try to rush things. Some of my relatives were bugging me to get married and have kids. One even wanted me to have children BEFORE we were married. Boy, am I glad I didn't listen to him! THe point is, God will let you know when it is time. Don't force it. Yes, you may want to be married, but it may not be the right time. Give it time, He will open your eyes to what He truly has for you.