He doesn't want kids

[elkiru]

Hi everyone,

I'm new and this is my first post. I'm not really sure this is the right place for this, so please keep me right if I'm not.

When my husband and I got married over 4 years ago we had discussed children and said we both wanted them someday but wanted time for us. About 2 months ago he revealed his thoughts on the matter have changed, he doesn't want children ever but I still do, someday. I'm not in any rush to start a family or anything and would prefer to wait longer, but this has come as such a blow.

It's been very hard to deal with, especially when the world around you is so family driven and people always ask about when we'll be having kids. My sister and Mum in particular.... how do you tell your family you won't be having kids???

I work with kids which is another thing that's making this harder right now because when I'm around kids it just reminds me of what's going on.

The biggest problem however has been in our relationship because it's been hard to share with him how I'm feeling cos I feel he's hurt me - I know he's entitled to his opinions but I'm just feeling low at the bought of never having kids because I love kids. He also feels guilty and selfish and if I share what's going on with me I know it'll make him feel worse and won't do us any good.

I've tried talking to some good friends about this but while they know I'm hurt, they don't know what to say or do and then talk about how amazing their kids are.

I really want my husband and I to be on the same page, to agree what we want and move forward. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. How do we resolve this? How do I resolve it personally within myself?

I've been praying over this a lot and have found God to be faithful in comforting and giving me strength, particularly around the birth of a new baby that's close to us. I need God to show me something more of the plan for my life cos I feel so lost.

I know kids aren't everything and that they are a lot of hard work, but it was something I had hoped for someday, and it's hard to let go.

 

[Umaro]

It's important to understand why he says he does not want kids. If he said he wanted them before, something had to change his mind. His reasons might only be temporary, like he doesn't feel financially or socially secure. You should try to talk to him about his reasoning, then I think we'll be able to better advise you.

 

[snoochface]

I'm new and this is my first post.

Welcome

how do you tell your family you won't be having kids???

I would hold off on this right now. This change in attitude is a new thing with him, and you are still processing it. You both still need to talk and work through this, and it's better to do that without your family's opinions or interjections into the issue. Plus, things could still change again, and then you just have to tell them something different all over again. Just wait a while before you say anything.

I know he's entitled to his opinions but I'm just feeling low at the bought of never having kids because I love kids. He also feels guilty and selfish and if I share what's going on with me I know it'll make him feel worse and won't do us any good.

This isn't really his opinion though. You came into the marriage having discussed you both wanting kids, and he's apparently changed his mind. It's not like he used to be Democrat and now he leans more toward Republican -- this is a major decision that affects both of you, your futures, and your entire marriage.

So, I think it's very important that you do speak to him about how you are feeling. He might feel guilty and selfish - that's okay. If you *don't* say anything, you feel hurt and devastated. Is that okay with him? I'm sure it's not.

What you need more than anything right now is exactly to be talking about this. Find out why he has changed his mind, if it's a real change of heart or if he never really wanted kids in the first place, or if he's just feeling scared because of where you are in life right now, or if he really means he just wants to wait a bit, or if he has just come to the realization that he doesn't want kids, ever, and didn't know he would feel this way when you married. Depending on what your discussions with him reveals about why he's had this change of heart, you can decide how you want or need to proceed. But without having that discussion, and having it until you feel certain you know all those answers, you're flying blind.

 

[LoisGriffin]

I totally agree with Snooch. A lot of people go into marriages thinking their partner will change their minds on the kids issue and get upset when it doesn't happen. Your case is totally different. You guys discussed it and he changed his mind. You deserve to be told why.

 

[elkiru]

I'm sorry. I really should have said his reasons in the first post. He's seen how children have changed the lives of people around us and doesn't want that. He doesn't want to lose his freedom, he wants to be able to do what he wants when he wants and not be limited by naps, or school, or early bedtimes, or not being able to go out.

I guess he didn't realise the commitment and I admire him for reflecting on this and thinking about it seriously.

 

[snoochface]

Are you two young? Is this a matter of him not being ready, wanting to still enjoy those freedoms, but perhaps being ready for the responsibility of kids later?

 

[elkiru]

Im 28, he's 27. I had pondered that and asked him. He feels certain that he doesn't ever want kids

 

[AllieBaba2012]

I agree that you need to talk very candidly about this with him, and explain to him that if he is truly committed to this, it changes the whole dynamic of your relationship and your marriage, because this was one of the things you discussed and agreed upon when you were married. Presumably, being on the same page regarding this matter was a determining factor when you decided IF you would get married or not.

So he needs to appreciate that it's essentially a deal breaker. Whether you choose to act on that is of course entirely personal, but it is important that he recognize this isn't just a thing like, "Hey, I've decided to wear the blue pants instead of the khaki ones today". And actually, this is a decision that you get some input in.

It might just be a matter of him being in the prime of his life, having fun, and unwilling to change his schedule and his life to accomodate little ones. He may see people who are scrambling and from the outside, it doesn't appear pleasant. He may come back around in a few years, you guys are pretty young. But..again...he needs to understand that your time is not unlimited when it comes to this matter. He needs to recognize that it may be that regardless of what his motives are, if you want a baby, you should probably do it in the next 10 years, and if he's still dragging his feet, well.....

Then again he might be okay with just agreeing "We'll wait 10 years to start trying, that's the time I'll give you. And I'll agree to one child instead of 3...but when it's time, it's time, and I expect you to be with me."

 

[snoochface]

If he really is certain that he doesn't want kids, and you really are certain that you do, I would suggest counseling for you. You need to figure out if this is something you can live with or not. At 28, you want to be sure that you can live with it before life and biology make it the default choice for you. I'm not suggesting that you divorce over this, but he has changed a big "contract" term in your marriage, and if it's not something you can live the rest of your days through without resenting, you need to have some counseling to help you either come to terms with it or figure out where to go from here. I'm sorry.

 

[elkiru]

I really appreciate all your help over this.

I'm really trying to not want kids and keep thinking how kids can be very annoying and stressful. How much work they are. And also how sucky a world this is to bring kids into.

 

[Umaro]

I really appreciate all your help over this.

I'm really trying to not want kids and keep thinking how kids can be very annoying and stressful. How much work they are. And also how sucky a world this is to bring kids into.

Just be careful not to become resentful. If you end up convincing yourself now that you don't want children, but deep down you still really do, 15 years down the road you could be very resentful about it, and by then it would be too late to change.

 

[snoochface]

I agree with Umaro. All of us are here because we knew we didn't want kids. You've always wanted kids and now, because your husband made a unilateral choice after the fact, you're trying to convince yourself you don't want them anymore. That's not going to work. You'll end up deceiving yourself for a while perhaps, but eventually every time your husband throws his underwear on the floor (or something) you're going to erupt in anger, and it won't be over the underwear. Your resentment will permeate your relationship if you're not careful about being honest with yourself and with him, right now, when you still have time to change your future.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I don't know if this story will help or not, but I'm sharing it in hopes that it can encourage you. Mind you, I'm not saying that your husband will magically change his mind - but time can and does change things, as you've already experienced.

A couple I knew actually wanted children, but upon TTC they learned that the husband was not able to have children. Apparently, there was a procedure that could correct whatever problem he had, but he told his wife that if God meant for him to have children, then he wouldn't need the procedure. The wife was devastated. I recall her telling me once that this wasn't what they had agreed to when they discussed family and whether or not they wanted children. She struggled to come to terms with it.

Fast forward about 5-7 years. I'm not entirely sure of the circumstances (whether he had the procedure eventually or if they adopted or what), but they now have a child. So, he apparently changed his mind - again.

If you can find a way to reconcile with your husband's change of heart, then it might soften him towards your heart's desire to still have children (or at least A child). Sometimes, I think these things can boil down to a battle of the wills. KWIM?

 

[CarrieAnnC]

I agree with Umaro. All of us are here because we knew we didn't want kids. You've always wanted kids and now, because your husband made a unilateral choice after the fact, you're trying to convince yourself you don't want them anymore. That's not going to work. You'll end up deceiving yourself for a while perhaps, but eventually every time your husband throws his underwear on the floor (or something) you're going to erupt in anger, and it won't be over the underwear. Your resentment will permeate your relationship if you're not careful about being honest with yourself and with him, right now, when you still have time to change your future.

I agree with this advice.

The desire to procreate is a very powerful thing. A woman does not have an endless period of time in which to safely have healthy babies, and she cannot guarantee that in ten years time, she will not be just as desirous of motherhood, but the time to have a child will be running out rapidly. This could be disastrous for the marriage. If the marriage was to end at this time, it would be unlikely that the woman could remarry and become a parent, again, because of her age.

My dear, you should think very carefully about this.

 

[CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN]

I really appreciate all your help over this.

I'm really trying to not want kids and keep thinking how kids can be very annoying and stressful. How much work they are. And also how sucky a world this is to bring kids into.

U shouldn't be trying to get your self to change your mind.Just because he change the plan,doesn't mean u should.U can give him time,to think about it,see if he changes his mind.Or u could tell him u still want kids,he's screwing up the deal and grow up.But u shouln't try to force your self into not wanting kids.

 

[elkiru]

Hi all,

Just to update. I spoke with my doctor on friday who's sending me to a counsellor to help work through some of these issues as I'm slipping into depression over it all. I'm hoping my husband will come with me so we can work through this together, but he's a bit resistant to the idea of going to counselling himself.... lots to pray for and work through but I really appreciate all your thoughts and advice on this.

There's a long journey ahead of us in resolving this and whatever happens i know God is good and sovereign.

 

[snoochface]

That's a smart choice. I hope he will join you in counseling, but even if he doesn't, going alone will help you get some perspective on the issue and work through the complex emotions surrounding it. Good luck!

 

[127.0.0.1]

You just have to decide which you want more, him or kids. He might change his mind...maybe. You'll have to decide how long your willing to wait for that to happen though.

Don't force yourself to not want kids though, because then you'll just build up resentment for your husband and how he stole your dreams of motherhood and..etc.

I'd advise you to be careful in whatever you do. I can think of a million and one ways this relationship is doomed to fail.

If you have kids, he'll resent you for ruining his life. If you don't have kids, you'll resent him for destroying all your hopes and dreams.

How close are you in other ways? How well do you get a long outside of this issue?
And, don't answer this, but maybe ponder, how smoothly is your marriage life going...

PS
You need to go to counseling together, even if he doesn't want to.

 

[Zackswife39]

I am going through the same exact thing. Actually, my husband of 5.5 years and I just separated I guess you can say, today. I am a complete mess because we are so perfect for each other in every other way. I've been told many of the same things as you have, to decide whether or not kids are something we can live without, which one do we want more, etc. I agree with a lot of what others have said but how do you end something based on this one thing when everything else is perfect? I know the subject of kids is very important but how do you end such a good thing over just one thing when marriage is supposed to be forever?? When ending it isn't what either of you want?? I'm curious to know what steps you've taken and how it's going for you. I'm praying for you and I hope you get the result you want in the end.

 

[LinkH]

I see having children as a woman's right. It is not fair to you if he says he would have kids before marriage, but changes his mind afterwards. I'd discuss this with him. There is probably some underlying reason that he doesn't want to have kids. Maybe he is concerned with the weak economy that he won't be able to afford them. If he is a believer, he needs to learn to trust God to provide. I found that after I got married, my income grew, and then when I started having kids, God provided more for us. God knows what we need.

Maybe he just doesn't want the responsibility or he doesn't want kids to 'cramp his style' or just doesn't have the desire to raise kids. These are all things you can talk about with him.

What does he think about that 'be fruitful and multiply' verse?

If he doesn't believe in abortion and you are engaged in birth control that doesn't involve an operation the situation may resolve itself. No birth control is 100% effective. If you stay away from some of the more effective (and unpleasant) methods, and you are young and both relatively fertile, a baby may show up whether you consciously decide to have one or not. Only one of ours were planned. The rest were pleasant surprises.