He almost left me stranded!1!

[DaisyDay]

He says he will marry me properly, but he doesn't want to do it asap because he wants to save up for a nice wedding ceremony....the common law thing allows for me to be on his insurance plan at work.

Um, that's baloney. You could get a civil marriage at city hall or a justice of the peace and still have a fancy wedding later.

You're in a pickle, aren't you? You don't have health insurance and you can't buy it because he has all your money. If you're not really married, then being on his insurance may be fraud.

 

[Swan7]

I just want honest feedback. Am I doing anything wrong? Am I to blame and/or can I fix it?

You cannot fix HIM, but you can fix the situation by leaving him. This is abuse on all levels and I fear it may escalate to physical abuse. Get out while you still can and lean on God instead of this... pitiful man.

Take the money you earned, he doesn't own you!

 

[howdoitknow2]

I have been trying to see if there is anything I can do to help this... But last night, standing in the restroom of a restaurant sobbing, I realized the emotional toll this relationship is having on me.

He wanted to go to dinner and dancing with an old friend of his. As I discovered in texts left on the computer, my husband told this man and his girlfriend about the "abortion" and how horrible I was. How I was a liar etc. Awful things. Well last night we had to go out with them. When he told me he wanted to, I got quiet and reserved. He was saying I was ruining the night before it even began. So I put a smile on my face and I hoped for the best.

The entire night the woman wouldn't even speak to me or look at me. I would ask her a question and i would get a one word answer with her looking at her boyfriend. It was very painful.

So as soon as I got out to the dance floor I told my husband she was acting awful and I was hurt. He said that I need to realize that I can't be so sensitive and always "cause problems". I said I'm not! I've been so nice. But she's not. This is uncomfortable.

He said I like drama. So I shut my mouth and kept dancing. It was Latin music and I didn't know the steps. I joked "I think I'm too white for this song" and he said "yes you are. You need lessons."

That made me pause. So then he said "why are you causing so many problems with all your reactions. You are ruining the night."

So I started to hug him and tried kissing him because he said that he thought people could tell I was mad. (I know they couldn't!)

When i kissed him he said to stop that too. That I was "acting insane!"

I said I can't win here. I went to the restroom and cried. I thought wow. Look what I've become.

Is there anything above that I did that was wrong? I tried so hard to have a good night.

 

[DaisyDay]

Is there anything above that I did that was wrong?

Yes, you stayed and let them mistreat you.

 

[Swan7]

Don't keep playing the victim here. Do what you need to do. I'm sure there's plenty praying for courage and to get out of this unhealthy situation.

 

[howdoitknow2]

Should I have left? My husband says just because this woman won't look at me or talk to me... It's not about my and I should just ignore it.

Is this normal? I have never been in a group of friends that have been so rude before.

 

[Swan7]

No it's not normal

 

[Willie T]

Despite the psychological manipulation that others have nailed, dead on the head, this kind of financial shenanigans actually COULD land you in prison... with a whole bundle of money to still pay. (Not HIM, but YOU.)

 

[Willie T]

He says he will marry me properly, but he doesn't want to do it asap because he wants to save up for a nice wedding ceremony....the common law thing allows for me to be on his insurance plan at work.

This "in the future" stuff is total bull. A man wouldn't even THINK it, let alone, try to sell it to you.

BTW....... What's he going to "save up" if he already has to rob your money to cover bills? You're just supporting this "freeloader", and that is nothing for you to be proud of. Embarrassed, is more like it.

 

[Willie T]

You really have only two choices.... just keep moaning, or start DOING something.

 

[Hank77]

He just recently filed paperwork at the courthouse, to make us “common law marriage” in our state

She is LEGALLY married to him. They signed the legal form, they filed the form at the courthouse! Nine states have Legal common law marriage.
The only way she can get out of it now is to divorce him.

You are not married to this man yet.

First, you are not married yet. You are "common law" only, so this does not require annulment.

 

[Hank77]

We have lived together for about a year now. He just recently filed paperwork at the courthouse, to make us “common law marriage” in our state

The first thing I would do is online check the 'common law marriage' Laws in your state, each one is different. If your relationship does not agree with all of those laws in your state, then your marriage may not be legal and you would be free to go to the courthouse, explain that you didn't realize that it wasn't, and retrieve that filed paperwork.
If you are legally married to him, your business may no longer be 'your' business, it may be his business now as well.

I suggest you listen to the people in this thread that have warned you about his type of personality. They are very volition and things can get really ugly very quickly.
I also suggest you read the signs associated with an abuser. You can find them online from women's resource centers.

 

[ImaginaryDay]

She is LEGALLY married to him. They signed the legal form, they filed the form at the courthouse! Nine states have Legal common law marriage.
The only way she can get out of it now is to divorce him.

The first thing I would do is online check the 'common law marriage' Laws in your state, each one is different. If your relationship does not agree with all of those laws in your state, then your marriage may not be legal...

Make up your mind Hank. Besides, HE went to court to sign some "common-law" papers, or did you miss that?

If you are legally married to him, your business may no longer be 'your' business, it may be his business now as well.

Nonsense. A business registered in her name is her business. Where are you getting this misinformation? And why are you passing it on to her?

I suggest you listen to the people in this thread that have warned you about his type of personality. They are very volition and things can get really ugly very quickly.
I also suggest you read the signs associated with an abuser. You can find them online from women's resource centers.

Would you suggest that before or after she becomes convinced she's legally married, perhaps without her consent (we don't know), and her business "is his business now as well"?
:/

 

[ImaginaryDay]

I said I can't win here. I went to the restroom and cried. I thought wow. Look what I've become.

It's time to start making decisions. I'm so sorry that you are in this position. What about neutral friends or family (yours) that you can ferret all of this out with? It's time.

 

[Hank77]

Make up your mind Hank. Besides, HE went to court to sign some "common-law" papers, or did you miss that?

No, he FILED the paper at the courthouse. She would have had to have signed it too, unless he forged her signature.
My first post was going only on what she said, that it was legal. Then I got to thinking about the different Common Law states different conditions and about this guy's personality. Thus my second post, that she check it out for herself, who knows what he may have told her.

Nonsense. A business registered in her name is her business. Where are you getting this misinformation? And why are you passing it on to her?

Different states have different marital common property laws. Many states are now 50/50. That is why I said he 'may' now be considered an common owner of all property. Did she have this business before they were together, is his name on the business license. Just all the money being put in an account that she does not have access to says that he has authority in the business. There are all kinds of nuances to the laws in different states.

Would you suggest that before or after she becomes convinced she's legally married, perhaps without her consent (we don't know), and her business "is his business now as well"?

If it was without her consent she is not married.
This is what I said...
"If you are legally married to him, your business may no longer be 'your' business, it may be his business now as well."
It depends on the laws in her state.

 

[howdoitknow2]

The state I'm in recognizes common law. We filed together to allow for my insurance under his plan. My bad, of course.

The business is registered under my name but I registered after we signed the common law. I guess that's good because he shares my tax liability as a married couple.

The question is what do I do it leave now before taxes are paid?

 

[Odetta]

From what you have posted, I don't see that he loves you at all. I do think that he controls you mightily and abuses you emotionally and financially, and you let him. As an outsider looking in, I think you should have never gotten involved with this guy to begin with. My heart breaks for you that you are in an emotional place that this guy looked like a reasonable choice as a spouse.

This guy will destroy you, your business, and your relationship with your son and others, unless you take back control. And you better be prepared for the backlash if you do take steps to take back control, because he will fight it, and I'm quite concerned for your safety when that happens.

Please, please, please, please, PLEASE! seek counseling and professional advice on abusive relationships, the nature of abusers and why they are attractive to you. Personally, I think you need to leave him, because abusers like this aren't really fixable.

PS, it doesn't matter about tax filing status in regards to failure to pay taxes on your business income. If the IRS comes after just you or after the both of you, you personally are still responsible to the IRS for the taxes owed. Just because he's controlling the money doesn't mean you yourself aren't legally responsible for paying the taxes. Tax debt never, ever goes away. There is no bankruptcy protection for tax debt. The IRS will find a way to get what is owed to them - be it putting liens on property you own or garnishing your social security income in your old age, your business could be shut down, etc. Also, past due taxes accumulate interest and penalties at a rate that would be considered usury with any other debtor, and almost never do those penalties get dropped.

 

[ValleyGal]

Okay, let's say you are legally married. Even if you are legally married, the marriage is separate from the business, and he can't take your business money. Period. All he can take is the money you pay yourself as a business owner, and having owned my own business before, I know that you do not pay yourself until after all business expenses have been paid first - including any and all taxes, business OR personal. He is not entitled to any of your business.

In fact, if you get out now, there is no judge in the land that is going to say he gets half of anything you own, since the marriage just happened. It is obvious that he is only in it to get out of you what he can, money, power, etc. This man is abusing you mentally, emotionally, socially, financially, and I would not put it past him to eventually do it physically and/or sexually as well as spiritually (if he's not already). How long will you put up with it? Long enough that the court will tell you he can take half of what is rightfully yours? Or until you end up with huge amounts of debt owed to the IRS? As long as he can get away with it, is how long he is going to do it....

 

[Willie T]

Not that people here are not well-meaning...... But get yourself to an attorney in your own jurisdiction for the straight skinny as it specifically applies to your circumstances.

 

[howdoitknow2]

I am taking a full day of hate today because I went to visit my son out of town and my husband came with. He is super angry over everything. He said that he can't believe I have ruined another weekend.

It is taking everything in me to just listen and not fight. He is so mean. And telling me that even though I'm brining in money to cover my own bills and 3k extra (a month) it's not enough.

I need to talk to a lawyer. Stat.