I am writing because I am very concerned about my fiancé/husband. We have lived together for about a year now. He just recently filed paperwork at the courthouse, to make us “common law marriage” in our state — for insurance purposes. We plan to get married with a full ceremony in a few months. He often introduces me as his wife to his colleagues and he required me to give all my income to him — as he is head of household.
I have a new business and that means all of my clients’ checks are gross payments and need taxes withheld before year’s end. He takes my direct deposits and transfers them immediately to an account that I have no access to.
He says “HE” handles the finances. He gives me a credit card to use for all my purchases, to accumulate airline points etc. But, I have no access to MY business money. I recently wanted to buy a piece of equipment and he told me we couldn’t afford it, because he paid bills with all my income for the month. (My business is all positive cash flow).
I suggested last month that I get a business account and he got extremely upset and said that he thought I was trying to do “weird things” behind his back. He was also angry that I had applied for my OWN credit card for the business. (I have terrible credit because of a previous divorce, so I was trying to re-establish credit history). He said that I was “up to no good”.
He eventually calmed down and agreed to meet with HIS accountant (with me) to find out what needs to be done to incorporate the business. The accountant told him that the business account is imperative and I needed to have taxes withheld quarterly. My husband agreed and said we would do that. That was last month. He hasn’t done it. And he told me that he isn’t going to withhold cash for my taxes — because it’s being used to pay down his debt (from my engagement ring) and that it makes no sense to put cash in a saving account when it can pay down interest bearing debt.
This issue has been a HUGE source of contention so i have just let it go. But, I am very worried.
THEN — last weekend we were out with a girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend. The “boys” went to go get drinks (we were at a football game) and we were in the stands. An old guy friend of hers…came up to say hello. He introduced himself and then said he wanted a group picture. I backed out and he insisted that I get in with everyone. So, I did. I texted my husband before this happened and told him to hurry because this guy friend of hers was there…and I wanted him to know nothing weird or fishy was going on. (he’s EXTREMELY jealous). Well, he arrived just as the picture was about to be snapped and I was so scared he’d get mad I literally knocked the drink out of his hand accidentally — to pull him into the picture. He was VERY mad at me and said that he couldn’t walk away for 5 minutes without me talking to a new guy. He eventually let that go….but then the jealousy surfaced again.
I ran into a friend of HIS at our next stop (lounge bar). We were both talking to him. Then he introduced my husband to another guy and I got stuck talking to him. I don’t like the guy but I was being polite. As we chatted, he told me that he was good friends with an old co worker/friend of mine. I said Oh my gosh! i haven’t talked to him in ages. He said let’s snap a picture and I’ll text it to him. My husband was next to me talking to the other guy. I tried to interrupt but he didn’t understand what I was doing. So after the guy snapped 2 shots, I yanked my husband’s hand into the picture. i explained to him what we were taking the picture for. He posed and then he seemed angry. Well, he had a few drinks — as did I. As we were leaving, he started yelling at me (walking down the sidewalk of crowded street) telling me that he couldn’t BELIEVE I was taking pictures with this guy. Then I grabbed his hand and told him he was SO wrong - I was just being polite and communicating with an old co worker (who’s gay!). He said I don’t care — you just posed for a picture with that guy WITHOUT ME! I said yes …I was trying to get you in it. He said you are going to be on FB now with 2 different guys and all your friends are going to think you are a “harlot”. He is screaming this on the sidewalk. I started to cry. Then he screamed that I was acting like a victim and that I am crying because I know I “F’d up”….I apologized to him for taking the picture, but told him it was harmless. I started crying harder and he started getting and at my tears. So I started walking faster away from him (to compose myself and stop the scene). So, he told me he was LEAVING in HIS car and going home. We were 1.5 hours away from home (we had a hotel). He was LEAVING!
I ran to the hotel quickly and he started running behind me. I was crying and he told me that I was acting ridiculous and that he was going to call security on me because my running was causing a scene.
I ran up to the room and he followed. He eventually calmed down and I just went silent wondering how to deal with this and what to do in this awful situation.
He woke up the next morning begging me to tell him why I was acting so crazy and saying “you are just looking to leave me…I know it. You are looking for an exit.” I told him I am NOT. That I was NOT the one threatening to leave him STRANDED. He said he would never really do that — he was just trying to get my attention.
I am so sad and I keep waking up in the middle of the night scared of this situation. I love this man — he has A LOT of good about him too. But, these elements above are not good and deep in my gut, I know it. I feel so lost.
He’s a very successful man who is respected by everyone. EVERYONE loves him. I feel so upset.
Am I overreacting to this?
I have a new business and that means all of my clients’ checks are gross payments and need taxes withheld before year’s end. He takes my direct deposits and transfers them immediately to an account that I have no access to.
He says “HE” handles the finances. He gives me a credit card to use for all my purchases, to accumulate airline points etc. But, I have no access to MY business money. I recently wanted to buy a piece of equipment and he told me we couldn’t afford it, because he paid bills with all my income for the month. (My business is all positive cash flow).
I suggested last month that I get a business account and he got extremely upset and said that he thought I was trying to do “weird things” behind his back. He was also angry that I had applied for my OWN credit card for the business. (I have terrible credit because of a previous divorce, so I was trying to re-establish credit history). He said that I was “up to no good”.
He eventually calmed down and agreed to meet with HIS accountant (with me) to find out what needs to be done to incorporate the business. The accountant told him that the business account is imperative and I needed to have taxes withheld quarterly. My husband agreed and said we would do that. That was last month. He hasn’t done it. And he told me that he isn’t going to withhold cash for my taxes — because it’s being used to pay down his debt (from my engagement ring) and that it makes no sense to put cash in a saving account when it can pay down interest bearing debt.
This issue has been a HUGE source of contention so i have just let it go. But, I am very worried.
THEN — last weekend we were out with a girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend. The “boys” went to go get drinks (we were at a football game) and we were in the stands. An old guy friend of hers…came up to say hello. He introduced himself and then said he wanted a group picture. I backed out and he insisted that I get in with everyone. So, I did. I texted my husband before this happened and told him to hurry because this guy friend of hers was there…and I wanted him to know nothing weird or fishy was going on. (he’s EXTREMELY jealous). Well, he arrived just as the picture was about to be snapped and I was so scared he’d get mad I literally knocked the drink out of his hand accidentally — to pull him into the picture. He was VERY mad at me and said that he couldn’t walk away for 5 minutes without me talking to a new guy. He eventually let that go….but then the jealousy surfaced again.
I ran into a friend of HIS at our next stop (lounge bar). We were both talking to him. Then he introduced my husband to another guy and I got stuck talking to him. I don’t like the guy but I was being polite. As we chatted, he told me that he was good friends with an old co worker/friend of mine. I said Oh my gosh! i haven’t talked to him in ages. He said let’s snap a picture and I’ll text it to him. My husband was next to me talking to the other guy. I tried to interrupt but he didn’t understand what I was doing. So after the guy snapped 2 shots, I yanked my husband’s hand into the picture. i explained to him what we were taking the picture for. He posed and then he seemed angry. Well, he had a few drinks — as did I. As we were leaving, he started yelling at me (walking down the sidewalk of crowded street) telling me that he couldn’t BELIEVE I was taking pictures with this guy. Then I grabbed his hand and told him he was SO wrong - I was just being polite and communicating with an old co worker (who’s gay!). He said I don’t care — you just posed for a picture with that guy WITHOUT ME! I said yes …I was trying to get you in it. He said you are going to be on FB now with 2 different guys and all your friends are going to think you are a “harlot”. He is screaming this on the sidewalk. I started to cry. Then he screamed that I was acting like a victim and that I am crying because I know I “F’d up”….I apologized to him for taking the picture, but told him it was harmless. I started crying harder and he started getting and at my tears. So I started walking faster away from him (to compose myself and stop the scene). So, he told me he was LEAVING in HIS car and going home. We were 1.5 hours away from home (we had a hotel). He was LEAVING!
I ran to the hotel quickly and he started running behind me. I was crying and he told me that I was acting ridiculous and that he was going to call security on me because my running was causing a scene.
I ran up to the room and he followed. He eventually calmed down and I just went silent wondering how to deal with this and what to do in this awful situation.
He woke up the next morning begging me to tell him why I was acting so crazy and saying “you are just looking to leave me…I know it. You are looking for an exit.” I told him I am NOT. That I was NOT the one threatening to leave him STRANDED. He said he would never really do that — he was just trying to get my attention.
I am so sad and I keep waking up in the middle of the night scared of this situation. I love this man — he has A LOT of good about him too. But, these elements above are not good and deep in my gut, I know it. I feel so lost.
He’s a very successful man who is respected by everyone. EVERYONE loves him. I feel so upset.
Am I overreacting to this?
