Having problems dealing with being single after divorce

[Examine Yourselves]

"Jesus is telling them he is picking the stricter side of the debate."

Not looking to pick an argument, but in a close read of Matthew 19:9 Jesus did not pick the sticker interpretation,when you look at the culture that Jesus taught in, for Jesus to have agreed with one faction (the Shammaites) would only have made him a member of that faction, not who He proclaimed Himself to be. There would have been no new doctrine introduced, no reason for the Pharisees to be testing Him. If Jesus were in fact endorsing the Shammaites doctrine of divorce, logic would argue against the disciples having any reason to have leaped to the extreme conclusion of asking Jesus, if this is the case isn’t it better to not get married? They would only have been asked to acknowledge a doctrine that they had heard their entire lives. Jesus would have had no reason to conclude the lesson by instructing that some people are incapable of marriage because they were born so; and some, because they have been made so by others (divorced); still others, because they have chosen to remain single for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.

 

[dayhiker]

Migdala,
Since you feel God wants you single and celibate then that is clearly what you should do. I'd support you in doing what God has shown you to do.

I've no clue how you are to deal with that. People say do this and do that, but none of those things ever helped me one bit. Apparently they help other people since they advocate them. I hope and pray you find what you need.

 

[dayhiker]

You believe adultery is an unbiblical reason to get a divorce?

Migdala,
Situation 1- Matthew 5:32 Clearly points out that it is the individual who divorces their spouse for an unbiblical reason (Adultery) causes them to commit adultery.

 

[Migdala]

You believe adultery is an unbiblical reason to get a divorce?

No, adultery is a biblical reason for divorce. I never said that, and neither did Jesus. What Jesus seems to be saying (and Paul too) is that remarriage is considered adultery, under any circumstance. Remarriage seems to be not permitted at all, unless the spouse dies. It seems very clear to me.

As long as I sleep as much as possible, and stay away from tempting circumstances, and away from men as much as possible, I should be fine. lol I've lasted this long (almost 3 years), so I can keep on keeping on the rest of my life. I'm not getting any younger either, so it won't be too much longer before guys stop looking at me anyway. haha

 

[Migdala]

Migdala,
Couple of things, I am divorced, and as a divorce care counselor, I have helped scores of individuals as they wrestle with this same question. That you are asking the question shows that you are at least on the correct path. To get a firm grasp on the issue at hand, you must not only understand what the bible teaches, but you need to understand what our Church forefathers understood it to mean, as well as the culture of Israel at the time Jesus walked the earth. But briefly, your interpretation of biblical divorce and remarriage is correct. Remarriage after divorce is adultery, Jesus left absolutely no room for doubt about that. It is adultery because God does not recognize human law, (oh, how we wish He would) and the two are in fact still married in God’s eye. God’s laws apply to everyone, not just Christians. So I would encourage you to go back and deal with each of your marriages and subsequent divorces. You will discover that you will fall into one of these categories for each of your marriages.

1. 1. you have been divorced civically for a un-biblical reason
2. 2. you have been divorced civically for a biblical reason
3. 3. you have committed civil divorce for a biblical reason
4. 4. you have committed civil divorce for a biblical reason

Under each of these situations both parties to the divorce are guilty of adultery if they remarry, The issue is to complex to resolve in a blog posting, and it may well be that receiving grace for an lifestyle of adultery (which is what God calls it) does not occur. However IF one can receive grace for it, which of the 4 categories you find yourself in will have a large impact towards you receiving that grace. I will give a brief snapshot answer for the first one, as it sounds like that is the situation you find yourself in with your third husband; if you would like clarification on the other three then I would be glad to give a snapshot of those as well. The problem however is that many American Christians simply want the snapshot and do not desire to fully understand the issues involved.


Situation 1- Matthew 5:32 Clearly points out that it is the individual who divorces their spouse for an unbiblical reason (Adultery) causes them to commit adultery. That is significant because while it is still adultery, it is the former spouse that has forced it upon the one who was divorced unbiblically. Much like robbing a store because someone has tied a bomb to your chest and is forcing you to do it, the guilt is transferred to the one who causes the sin. That said, I personally believe that if you choose to remarry while your original spouse remains unmarried, you have with a hardened heart rejected your wedding vow, and you have permanently blocked the path of reconciliation that your spouse needs so desperately. I would urge you to tread very carefully, while you may be the most likely to receive grace, do not assume that you will automatically receive it.


Just as an aside I have written a book to address this very issue in much fuller detail, that is set to print this month.


Be very careful, rush into nothing, as it is not just your soul you are talking about, you are talking about your ex-husband(s); and if you chose to remarry you need to consider that it's impossible to commit adultery by yourself. Honestly seek God's counsel and He will give it to you.

Not sure which I fall under......I will explain each husband.

1. First husband beat me severely and committed adultery many times. I have not seen him in 20 years and have no clue if he has remarried or if he is still alive. He could be dead, with the lifestyle he led, I don't know.

2. Husband number 2 committed adultery and abandonment. I have not seen him in 14 years and have no clue if he has remarried or is still alive.

3. Husband number 3 left me because he gave me a choice between him and Jesus. I chose Jesus, and he walked out and is now living in sin with his girlfriend. They are not married, and probably won't ever get married. I have not spoken to him since he left a year and a half ago.

 

[mjmcmillan]

So, let me see if I get this straight. Three husbands in succession commit adultery against you, and you can't remarry ever again because if you do, you'll be guilty of adultery???? Something about that needs some 'splainin'.

The idea of never marrying again because you've had enough, I can understand. I'm sort of there myself on the vice-versa, seems my luck with women is only slightly better than your luck with men. I'm just not sure, in either of our cases (in my case, my now-ex slept in other men's houses, brought home a disease and tried to pin it on me, accused me of bestiality with the family cat and so on and so on) if a suitable spouse somehow did show up on the horizon that it would be automatic adultery for either of us ever to marry again. In my case, I swore off dating and marrying again simply because I had had enough, and the thought of fellow Christians accusing me of adultery if I even think of it makes future dating problematic at best anyway.

 

[Migdala]

So, let me see if I get this straight. Three husbands in succession commit adultery against you, and you can't remarry ever again because if you do, you'll be guilty of adultery???? Something about that needs some 'splainin'.

The idea of never marrying again because you've had enough, I can understand. I'm sort of there myself on the vice-versa, seems my luck with women is only slightly better than your luck with men. I'm just not sure, in either of our cases (in my case, my now-ex slept in other men's houses, brought home a disease and tried to pin it on me, accused me of bestiality with the family cat and so on and so on) if a suitable spouse somehow did show up on the horizon that it would be automatic adultery for either of us ever to marry again. In my case, I swore off dating and marrying again simply because I had had enough, and the thought of fellow Christians accusing me of adultery if I even think of it makes future dating problematic at best anyway.

Well, maybe I'm a bit "OCD" on this situation, but Luke 16:18 seems pretty clear that no matter what conditions a person divorces under, remarriage is still considered adultery in God's eyes. So yeah, I'm not dating or remarrying due to that fact. Miserable existance, but I've sinned against God enough in my life and don't want to risk anything else willful and big....looking back, it was almost like all my marriages were cursed.

 

[dayhiker]

One of the reasons that it doesn't make any sense to me that Jesus is saying its adultery to get remarried is because the 2nd commandment is to love people. Also the only way the Bible says we can obey the law is to love. To me to say getting married again is adultery is to say even if one loves they are committing adultery. That makes no sense to me. I don't see why Jesus would say love is the greatest commands and then say if your love after a divorce you are committing adultery.

 

[mjmcmillan]

I often wonder if there might not be a situational component in this, too. Consider that while it doesn't say so, Jesus may very well have had in mind the situation where a man divorces his wife in order to marry a younger, prettier woman. In this case, the man argues that because he divorced his first wife before marrying the second, he's not guilty of adultery. Never mind that the cause for the divorce wouldn't stand up to scrutiny by honest people, remember that the question too was whether it was allowed to divorce for ANY cause. So, I imagine men divorcing their wives for really garbage causes, marrying the next wife soon after and then seeing if Jesus would give them a green light for this shabby conduct. He didn't.

Now we have the problem of dealing with the scriptures as they are handed down to us, and trying to make the best of the present in light of what is revealed. I wonder if Jesus, if you asked Him today, would really say that a woman who had been abandoned, had adultery committed against her and who had been abused in the last marriage would have no recourse if, say, a decent God-fearing man asked her hand in marriage. Is one failed marriage enough to condemn her for ever after to a life of spinsterhood? Is she compelled to say "No" because to say "yes" would be to commit adultery?

Personally, I'd like to be a wee bit more careful both in studying scriptures and in applying them before I condemn other people to a life of "Pizza for One" meals if they've ever failed in marriage before.

 

[dayhiker]

mj,
I know a guy who studied this issue a lot that basically felt Jesus was saying Something close to what you said. A lot of his posts on this topics is 1-2 yrs old in the marriage and remarry section.

The Jewish writings of the time tell us the context in which Jesus as asked this question. The Jewish theological debate is well documentated. So we just have to study the historical context to know what Jesus was saying. The implications might still be debated as Jesus didn't tell us how to impliment what He said.

 

[Migdala]

One of the reasons that it doesn't make any sense to me that Jesus is saying its adultery to get remarried is because the 2nd commandment is to love people. Also the only way the Bible says we can obey the law is to love. To me to say getting married again is adultery is to say even if one loves they are committing adultery. That makes no sense to me. I don't see why Jesus would say love is the greatest commands and then say if your love after a divorce you are committing adultery.

Well, there's a huge difference in between brotherly love for our neighbor, and sexual "love". Huge difference.

 

[Migdala]

I often wonder if there might not be a situational component in this, too. Consider that while it doesn't say so, Jesus may very well have had in mind the situation where a man divorces his wife in order to marry a younger, prettier woman. In this case, the man argues that because he divorced his first wife before marrying the second, he's not guilty of adultery. Never mind that the cause for the divorce wouldn't stand up to scrutiny by honest people, remember that the question too was whether it was allowed to divorce for ANY cause. So, I imagine men divorcing their wives for really garbage causes, marrying the next wife soon after and then seeing if Jesus would give them a green light for this shabby conduct. He didn't.

Now we have the problem of dealing with the scriptures as they are handed down to us, and trying to make the best of the present in light of what is revealed. I wonder if Jesus, if you asked Him today, would really say that a woman who had been abandoned, had adultery committed against her and who had been abused in the last marriage would have no recourse if, say, a decent God-fearing man asked her hand in marriage. Is one failed marriage enough to condemn her for ever after to a life of spinsterhood? Is she compelled to say "No" because to say "yes" would be to commit adultery?

Personally, I'd like to be a wee bit more careful both in studying scriptures and in applying them before I condemn other people to a life of "Pizza for One" meals if they've ever failed in marriage before.

I take the BIble literally in most cases. I do not try to twist verses around to make them say what I want them to say so I can commit willful sin. Matthew 19:11 says that not everyone can accept this saying, (about divorce and remarriage), but only those to whom it is given. Clearly it is given to me and not you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I take the bible literally also, but I don't agree with you on this subject, BUT I will agree that the Bible says that if it is a sin to YOU then FOR YOU it is a sin, so in that respect I will agree that unless and until God shows you differently you should remain single. Now as to how to "deal" with that. Well if it were me, what I would do is volunteer and help others so to keep my mind off myself and my singleness and concentrate on whatever area God would have me be of service in. I find that works in most circumstances. Too often we are all consumed with ourselves and if we take the focus off of ourselves there are plenty of others that need our help and we can find peace and joy in helping them and doing God's work. IF God called you to remain single it is not just so you can wallow in your misery. He may want you to be single to be "free" to do His will as He calls you.

 

[Migdala]

I take the bible literally also, but I don't agree with you on this subject, BUT I will agree that the Bible says that if it is a sin to YOU then FOR YOU it is a sin, so in that respect I will agree that unless and until God shows you differently you should remain single. Now as to how to "deal" with that. Well if it were me, what I would do is volunteer and help others so to keep my mind off myself and my singleness and concentrate on whatever area God would have me be of service in. I find that works in most circumstances. Too often we are all consumed with ourselves and if we take the focus off of ourselves there are plenty of others that need our help and we can find peace and joy in helping them and doing God's work. IF God called you to remain single it is not just so you can wallow in your misery. He may want you to be single to be "free" to do His will as He calls you.

Well, I wish He would give me some kind of a ministry-I'd be happy to do it. But so far, nothing at all.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well, I wish He would give me some kind of a ministry-I'd be happy to do it. But so far, nothing at all.

Just pick something and get involved. Children's ministry. Feed the homeless, Work in a soup kitchen. Opportunities are everywhere and God doesn't necessarily "drop" a particular ministry in our lap IMO.

 

[Migdala]

Just pick something and get involved. Children's ministry. Feed the homeless, Work in a soup kitchen. Opportunities are everywhere and God doesn't necessarily "drop" a particular ministry in our lap IMO.

I disagree. I have had several friends whom God has specifically told them to do something. I myself have tried to do several different ministries, and failed horribly....because God did not call me to do it obviously.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Are you trying to "do" them? or are you getting involved in ones that are already started? And that's fine we can agree to disagree but in my case there is so much need in the world I don't need to wait for God to tell me to help someone that's all I'm sayin, but if you need God to specifically speak directly to you then by all means ....

 

[Migdala]

Are you trying to "do" them? or are you getting involved in ones that are already started? And that's fine we can agree to disagree but in my case there is so much need in the world I don't need to wait for God to tell me to help someone that's all I'm sayin, but if you need God to specifically speak directly to you then by all means ....

No-I have tried both ways. I have been involved in ones already started, and have also tried to start one myself. Both failed with me. I spent so much time crying because I wanted so badly to be involved in a ministry, especially after hearing my friends who were involved in theirs telling me that God specifically told them to do it. The only one I have had any sort of success at was working in a food pantry in a church I used to go to a few years ago. The church I go to now does not have one at all, nor any kind of ministry at all that I can see, now that I think about it.

 

[dayhiker]

I think some churches attrack does and other churches attract thinkers for lack of a better word.

Have you ever done one of those gift assesment classes? They sometimes point out strenghts and therefore what type of ministries you are suited to.

 

[Migdala]

I think some churches attrack does and other churches attract thinkers for lack of a better word.

Have you ever done one of those gift assesment classes? They sometimes point out strenghts and therefore what type of ministries you are suited to.

Yes, I've taken a couple of classes, as well as bought books and read websites. I still do not have any clue what my gift is. When I was really spirit filled, it used to be Deliverance, healing, and intercessory prayer.