having fantasy probs

[super mom]

i am a married woman and some days i have fanasys of other women and i never act on them and my husband i don't think knows and he wouldn't hve a problem if i told him but i just don't feel the need to tell him if i am not acting on them. i don't mastrubate or go to other women but i still feel wrong about this what do u say?

 

[RJH]

Here is my babble on the question with the hope that super mom will find some comfort. I think that all of our (humans) endeavor has the commom goal of understanding and/or influencing our experiences. There seems to be, among all of us, a frenetic search in finding "the answer". In finding "the answer" we rely on our experiences, input from others experiences, different beilefs and their approaches that led to their beliefs, and so on. In the pursuit of what we are looking for, all too often confusion takes hold because of the different data we intake to help in our decision making. The obstacle, then, is that we don't have the proper tools to interpret the significance of our data. Thus, the inadequacy of the answers we receive is a direct consequence of the limitations imlpicit in the viewpoints of the question. Understanding what is in question in your mind (what you posted) does not proceed simply from others examining the issue, it comes from examining data in a particular context; i.e. understanding not so much what the issue is, but what it means to you and how it is affecting your life. I suppose what I am saying is in order for someone to fairly assess the question you posted, they must look at the issue objectively and how it is affecting you as a human being. Although I can say with a great amount of certainty, there has never been a reliable experimental yardstick with which to measure and interpret our motivations and experiences. Counter to that remark, no doubt, will be those who will tell you the Bible is THE yardstick with which to measure and interpret our motivations. Ultimately what it all comes down to is not so much the confusion in the plethora of answers as to whether or not, or how, you explore your sexuality, but rather it will ultimately come down to you and God. It is my belief that self pleasuring oneself sexually is not seen in the heart of God as a sin, but I too will someday answer to that.

 

[Annoula]

Dear super mom,

first of all we have to understand that fantasies are one thing and acting out our fantasies is another . we have to seperate the two and discuss on them accordingly.

specifically sexoual fantasies can help us get aroused and enjoy an intimate relationship with our husband either by sharing them with him or by keeping it to ourselves. i think there is nothing wrong in any of these two options. it's what makes us feel better. sometimes it doesn't hurt to start talking about our fantasies with our spouse as this can help bring a new sparkle in our relationship if of course the other part is also interested.

regarding the acting out of the fantasies... some things may seem very interesting and even arousing when we think of them but when we try to act them out they just seem so gross and "bad". so, we'd better not act them out.
of course sometimes acting out can lead to new exciting experiences between ourselves and our husband...

it's all a matter of taste and of course a matter of morality. what we believe as moral and what not.
i try not to pressure myself on issues like these ones. cause sometimes while trying to keep our moral standards we get so much stressed that we lose the whole game.

and by fantasising women it doesn't mean u prefer women from men. that's for sure.
there can be noumerous reasons for such fantasies and i don't believe i can elaborate on them right now.

don't stress urself ...

all the best!

Anna

 

[jenniferstell]

I am a married woman, and I still struggle occasionally with fantasies about other women. It's hard to stop, but the more you force yourself NOT to have those fantasies, the easier it gets not to have them. Practice makes perfect, I guess. I never thought it was a big deal....for years, I had my fantasies. When we started going to church, I realized that if you have thought of another woman that way, then you've already sinned. I didn't realize you could cheat without *actually* cheating, but you can. Take your thoughts captive.

 

[super mom]

actually the more i force myself NOT to have those thoughts the harder it eems not any easier and every time we are close to breaking up i want to start looking for a woman to be with

I am a married woman, and I still struggle occasionally with fantasies about other women. It's hard to stop, but the more you force yourself NOT to have those fantasies, the easier it gets not to have them. Practice makes perfect, I guess. I never thought it was a big deal....for years, I had my fantasies. When we started going to church, I realized that if you have thought of another woman that way, then you've already sinned. I didn't realize you could cheat without *actually* cheating, but you can. Take your thoughts captive.

 

[Johnnz]

Great reply Anna.

I suspect that there are many people of both sexes who can admit to some low level interest in same sex sexuality - nice body, sexy hips, great curves etc. No big deal. Marriage is a special realtionship where our sexual nature can be most completely fulfilled. That does not mean that all of our sexuality is totally confined to marriage. Healthily moral people know how to combine the two, as Anna has suggested.

John
NZ

 

[Marie D]

From what you've written here these thoughts are lustful ones, and lust is a sin. So is sexual activity outside of marriage, especially with another woman. This is Satan tormenting you, trying to tempt you away from the right path. It doesn't matter how difficult it is, you have to put these thoughts out of your mind. Prayer should help you, as might a Christian counsellor or support group for people who have been tempted by homosexual lust.

 

[ottaia]

Find the book, Stranger at the Gate by Mel White and read it. Mel is an evangelical gay Christian pastor. It may help you.

Peace

 

[Child of JC]

Dear super mom,

first of all we have to understand that fantasies are one thing and acting out our fantasies is another .

and yet Jesus tell us that even if we look at another that is adultury. But acting out the whole sexual experience in our heads will not cause us any trouble at all? Remember that He gave us laws for our own good, not because He wanted to control us.

specifically sexoual fantasies can help us get aroused and enjoy an intimate relationship with our husband either by sharing them with him or by keeping it to ourselves. i think there is nothing wrong in any of these two options.

Sexual fantasies can and do get us aroused! That is why it is so hard to get out of it. I just told my husband about my secret fantacy life a week ago, and he is hurt. I would be hurt too if he was thinking about other people during our love making. But now that it is out, I am not fighting it on my own. I have him watching to make sure I keep my eyes open, and that's accountability.

There is alot wrong with this! It is sin! God created the sexual relationship to be beautiful, and rewarding to a marriage, and this fantacy life will kill it. We should be looking at our husbands with desire, and that desire should take us into our love-making, the end result is an emotional satisfaction as well as physical.

and by fantasising women it doesn't mean u prefer women from men. that's for sure.

This is true! I found that I fantasized about things that I actually think are repulsing, but they stimulated me the most, and so I used them because I am addicted to the peak.

don't stress urself ...

If you dont look to God for the truth, the world will lead you astray!

Every Womans Battle, is a great book. It will help you understand this lie.

 

[Child of JC]

actually the more i force myself NOT to have those thoughts the harder it eems not any easier and every time we are close to breaking up i want to start looking for a woman to be with

THis is a perfect example of how our thoughts eventually take over our physical. Do you think you would be thinking about another woman if you first did not have this thought pattern?

Do you know that all serial rapists have an addiction to porn? Just a thought for you to think of.

 

[Johnnz]

Hi super mom,

Its great that people are more open and honest these days. Fantasy problems were once born alone. Sharing can be real helpful.

One one hand there are those who define lust so broadly that almost all sexual thoughts and imaginations are banished. There are others who genuinely want to live godly lives, but find sex a real struggle in various ways and have genuine unanswered questions.

You wrote "actually the more i force myself NOT to have those thoughts the harder it seems not any easier and every time we are close to breaking up i want to start looking for a woman to be with". This is very common. We need something else if we are to fulfill Jesus' teaching about purity of heart. We must deal with the issues within.

Place a cork in a fizzy drink, shake it, and out pops the cork, usually messy. Same with us trying to hold down something taht has a life of its own. We need to discover what Jesus taught about cutting something off at its roots.

I have put some thoughts together in response to previous posts and what they provoked me to consider. I am happy to email it to you if you want to PM me with an email address.

John
NZ