Have you heard...?

[BlueJay180]

Parents spend the first part of a child's life urging him/her to walk and talk, and the rest of his/her childhood making him/her sit down and keep quiet.

 

[BlueJay180]

I know a teen-age girl who has been trying to run away from home for a year, but every time she gets to the front door, the phone rings.

 

[BlueJay180]

Creditors have better memories than debtors.

 

[BlueJay180]

A man put money in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. "Now that's real automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you."

 

[BlueJay180]

People who cough incessantly never seem to go to a doctor -- they go to banquets, concerts, and church.

 

[BlueJay180]

When I got the bill for my operation, I found out why they wear masks in the operating room.

 

[KathiBear32]

I love these.

 

[Lycana]

Those are really cute!

 

[Ireland1222]

many thanks for many laughs!

 

[jehovahjireh2007]

"Some plants," said the teacher, "have the prefix 'dog'. For instance, there is the dogrose, the dogwood, the dogviolet. Who can name another plant prefixed by 'dog'?"
"I can," shouted a boy in the back row. "Collie flower."

Hehehehe that one was funny!!

 

[equal-minded]

I was touring the Capitol in Washington, DC and the guide pointed to a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain.
I asked, "Say, what does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or the House?"
The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at the entire Congress, then prays for the country."

That's my favorite one!

 

[white knight]

lol

 

[azzy]

Seven dwarfs

 

[Abyssal]

Some of them were really great! Better then most, thanks!

 

[BlueJay180]

Preacher: "Say, Elder Lassiter, a mule died out in front of the church."

Elder: "Well, it's the job of YOU ministers to look after the dead. Why tell me?"

Preacher: "You're right; it is my job. But we always notify the next of kin."

 

[Defuret]

A newsman sent a letter home from China. At the end he put a note, "I hope this letter reaches you. The censors are very tough." When the letter arrived, another note had been added, "There are no censors in the People's Republic of China."

Heyhey! Good one!

 

[BlueJay180]

An insurance claim agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I CAN'T STOP!!" she shrilled. "What should I do?!?"

"Brace yourself, honey." advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

 

[BlueJay180]

Curly: "Hey, Moe! You told me if I rubbed grease on my chest, I'd grow tall like you, but it didn't work."

Moe: "Well, what did you use?"

Curly: "This stuff." (he hands Moe a can)

Larry: (looks at can) "Hey, that's Crisco."

Moe: (slaps Curly) "You idiot! That's shortening!"

 

[BlueJay180]

Jeff: "Did you hear about the cross-eyed discus thrower?"

Jake: "No, did he set lots of records?"

Jeff: "No, he didn't. But he sure kept the crowd alert."

 

[BlueJay180]

I have discovered an easy way to get rich. You buy fifty (50) female pigs and fifty (50) male deer and put them together. Then you will have one hundred (100) sows and bucks (thousand bucks).