Have you heard...?

[trimmjoy]

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's
hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets
it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they
busted open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They
sneered at Virgil and left.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

 

[trimmjoy]

My Way or the Highway

The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."

 

[trimmjoy]

Q: Who was the straightest man in the Bible/Torah?

A: Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

 

[trimmjoy]

Two fellas were watching an old cowboy movie and it came to the part when the cowboy, on his horse, at full gallop, was headed right towards a cliff. One of the guys said to the other, "Hey, I’ll bet you 10 bucks that he rides over the cliff." The other said, "Your on!"

Well the cowboy and the horse went right over the cliff. The fella that lost the bet paid up. A while later, the guy who won said, "Hey, I’m feeling a little guilty about our bet and need to make a confession ... I already have seen the movie." The other fella replied, "Well, I have also seen the movie before ... but I didn’t think he’d do it again!"​

 

[trimmjoy]

Retiring

Of course, some people never retire...

Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!

 

[trimmjoy]

The Pentagon has been spending $800 for a hammer, and $650 for a screwdriver. The other day, I received a notice from the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) saying that I owed $15,000. I sent them a Black and Decker circular saw and told them to keep the change.

lol

 

[sylk]

Funny jokes! hahaha

 

[JethroTull]

Haven't you heard?
B-B-B Bird, bird, bird is the word B-B-B bird.

 

[trimmjoy]

Good stuff in there.

 

[BlueJay180]

After the fall in the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

[BlueJay180]

Sunday school teacher: "What evidence is there in the Bible that Adam and Eve were noisy?"

Boy: "They raised Cain!"

 

[BlueJay180]

A preacher had a practice of leaving his pulpit for a brief time during the morning service. While one of his staff made the announcements, he went to tell a Bible story to the children in the children's church. One new member didn't understand. One day, he said to the preacher, "Brother, you're the first preacher I ever saw who takes a coffee break during the service."

 

[BlueJay180]

Preacher's Announce before Offering:
"I would like to remind you that what you are about to give is deductible, cannot be taken with you and is considered in the Bible that the love of this (money) is the root of all evil."

 

[BlueJay180]

The preacher had been disturbed by a person who was a fast reader. "We will now read the twenty-third (23rd) Psalm in unison," he announced. "Will the lady who is by 'the still waters' while the rest of us are in 'the green pastures', please wait a minute until we catch up?"

 

[BlueJay180]

A preacher phoned the city's newspaper. "Thank you very much," he said, "for the error you made when you announced my sermon topic for last Sunday. The topic I sent you was 'What Jesus Saw In A Publican'. You printed it as 'What Jesus Saw In A Republican' and I had the biggest crowd (congregation) of the year!"

 

[BlueJay180]

From a church bulletin:
"A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife."

 

[BlueJay180]

A small boy's prayer:
"Dear Heavenly Father, I hope You take care of Yourself. Because if anything happens to You, we would all be in a terrible mess."

 

[BlueJay180]

The Sunday School teacher was teaching a lesson on creation to a class of children. She said, "Who can tell us what makes the flower spring from the seed?"
"God does it," answered one little girl, "but fertilizer helps."

 

[BlueJay180]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3) One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

4) Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

5) The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tires.

6) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.

7) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

8) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.

9) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

10) My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.

11) If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

 

[BlueJay180]

A new preacher moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his congregation. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card and wrote on the back Revelation 3:20 and stuck it in the door.

The next day, he was counting the offering and he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the scripture Genesis 3:10.

Revelation 3:20 reads: "Listen! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come into his house and eat with him, and he will eat with Me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "He answered, 'I heard You in the garden; I was afraid and hid from You, because I was naked.'"