More Rodney Dangerfield one-liners:
I tell ya, I got all kinds of trouble. Last week, my car broke down. I tell ya, with my car, I've got nothin' but trouble. Every Sunday, I take my family out for a push.
Well, I got the only car that dogs chase it and catch it.
The last time my wife drove the car, she cracked it up and went into a tree. She told me it wasn't her fault - she blew the horn.
My wife took her driver's test and she was happy. She got 18 out of 20 - two guys jumped out of the way.
My wife isn't too smart, ya know. One night she went out, some guy stole the car. I asked her "Did you see what he looked like?" She gave me the license plate numbers.
With my wife, I never know what's coming next. Last night, she made chocolate mousse and an antler got stuck in my throat.
My wife is always something. On our anniversary, I took her out to dinner and made a toast to the best woman a man ever had - the server joined me.
At restaurants, I'm never lucky. I met my wife in a restaurant. She told the waiter/server she wanted something simple - he brought me over.
And my kids, they don't help either. The other day, I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own." He said "So will you."
I never had any respect as a kid. I remember the time my dad took me to the zoo and the zookeeper and the staff thanked him for returning me.
You know, I was an ugly kid and my dad didn't like my looks either. He carried around a picture of a kid that came with the wallet. Not only that, on Hallowe'en, whenever I open the front door, the kids give me candy.
You see, that's the story of my life. I get no respect. No respect at all. You know what I mean? You get the picture. I'm sure you do.
