Have the rules of courtship changed over the years?

[Merry Jerry]

My wife and I are 24 and 25 respectively. We have been happily married for 3 years and dated 2 years prior to getting married. She was 19 and I was 20 when we first met. To us and our families the story of how we met has always been considered cute and funny. If it matters we are both from Christian nuclear families and both sets of our parents are alive and still together. Now however, when we tell our story to people both our age and younger there are definitely some people who don’t awww, but criticize it as “problematic”.
Any ways my wife and I met at the small restaurant she was waitress at while we were both in college. When I first saw her I was head over heals. She was and still is the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen she is tall, long haired, adorably cute face. She looked like an anime character come to life; and when she first spoke to me my heart almost skipped a beat. Her voice was just so angelic and she did this thing where she would stutter and giggle. I fell for her hard. After that I kept coming in just to see her. We weren’t friends at this time or anything, I was kind of awkward and I could never seem to work up the courage to really talk to her about anything asides my order so that’s how it went for a couple weeks. I just kept making excuses for myself (it’s too busy right now, she doesn’t have time to chat, etc) on why I couldn’t do anything other than give her my order. Then one day I went to the restaurant at dinner rather than lunch and saw her getting off her shift. So I watched her put on her coat, grab her stuff and walk out and across the street to a bus stop and sit there and wait for her bus. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time but I thought it would be a good idea to catch her after work and offer her a ride or something like that.
I came a few more evenings and tried even to time myself to leave at about the same time as her. One day I got my timing just right and I guess I had just enough courage to approach her as she was walking out the door. When I said hi, I startled her a bit but she was super friendly. I tried my best to make conversation but I was super nervous. I didn’t have (still don’t) have a ton of game back then so I know I was not exactly sweeping her off her feet. She remained polite but I could tell by her body language I was striking out. We kind of chatted as we walked to her bus stop and as we were crossing the street I finally blurted out that I have a car and I can give her a ride. She very politely but firmly declined and kind of tried to end the conversation and pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and started texting as she was walking away. I felt crushed so I just walked back to my car and drove away.
I guess the love struck mind of a lonely guy works in funny ways because I still kept going to the restaurant hoping to just see her and maybe try again to strike up a conversation. So over the next few weeks I did that, and she acted totally normal when she waited on me. I tried doing stuff like tipping a bit more and trying to Be a bit more talkative but always it was the same with her. Polite, cheery but distant. A couple times I worked up the courage to ask her out for coffee but each time she declined. Then one day it was snowing and apparently somebody stole her Canada Goose parka some time during the day. I saw her argue with the manager and then storm out with no coat. I guess I had the courage that day so I thought this was my best chance. I left money on the table and ran out after her. I jumped into my car and intercepted her as she got to the bus stop. When I pulled up she was holding her shoulders and shivering. I jumped out, took off my coat and draped it around her. She was very surprised but also very very cold so her first words were just “thank you”. I could see that even with my coat on she was so cold that her knees were knocking so I kind of just guided her to the passenger door opened it for her and she got in without a word. When I got back into the driver side she had already turned the heat in my car onto full blast and was warming her hands on the vent. I told her she could either sit in my car until the bus arrived or I can take her anywhere she wanted to go. She opted for wait in the car until the bus arrived. At this time her bus was on about a 45 minute rotation. For the first few minutes we both kind of sat in silence looking straight ahead. I broke the ice by asking her why she would leave her house without a jacket that day. That’s when she told me that some one stole her expensive parka and the restaurant manager was absolutely no help. We continued to chat a bit until we saw the lights of the bus in the rear view. She said “well, guess that’s me. Thank you so much for warming me up, come back tomorrow and I will comp your meal”. I normally am not that quick on my feet with women so what I said next surprised even me. I told her to keep my coat on so she doesn’t freeze when she gets off the bus and she can give it back when I come for my free meal. She did her adorable giggle, thanked me again and asked if there was anything she could do to thank me. I blurted out that it would love to get her number and maybe go out for some coffee some time. She hurriedly scribbled down her number, said sure and jumped out of the car and into her bus.
The next day when I went back to the restaurant she wasn’t there. I asked another waitress about her and she went to the back, came back with my coat and said that anything I want was on the house. I asked again about my future wife and the other waitress said that she had switched to mornings. Later that night I texted her to thank her for returning my coat and the free meal but I got no response. I went to the restaurant a couple times after that and at different but I didn’t see her. I texted her a few times and asked about the coffee but no response. I tried calling a few times but each time went to voice mail.
About 2 weeks after that night I tried calling one more time and this time some one picked up. I at first thought it was her. This woman had the same bubbly voice giggle and everything. It turned out however this was her older sister, my future sister in law. When I first thought it was her I reminded her that she had agreed to a date. The woman on the other line was like “who exactly is this?” So I reminded her about the evening at the bus stop. Then she said “oooooohhhhhhh I know who you are, hold on a sec, this is her older sister by the way.....” she put the phone down and I could hear this other woman yell something but I couldn’t make out what. I sat on the phone a few minutes and the sister came back on the line. She said to me “yeah.... my little sister is a bit of a spaz... but she will love to go out with you, come to this address at 3pm tomorrow and she will be ready”. Before I could say anything else she hung up. That was followed by a text with an address and a note saying “don’t be late”.
Maybe I should have been a bit more cautious but I was young, dumb and in love so I was counting down the minutes.
I pulled up to the address a little early and waited, I had brought candy, flowers, and a teddy bear. Right at 3, the door opened and this woman who looked almost identical to my future wife came out leading my future wife by the hand. She opened the passenger door and pretty much stuffed my future wife in and then she herself jumped into the back seat. ( I would come to find out later that the older sister has a huge heart but she also likes to meddle in the romantic lives of her siblings). My future wife didn’t say anything, the sister however went into a full introduction. She introduced her self and said “Hi, I am ...., .....’s older sister. I understand that my little sister had agreed to a date yet she has reneged on that commitment. I am here to ensure that .... fulfills that commitment. You are going to take her to Starbucks to get coffees, then you are taking her bowling, followed by burgers and then return here and walk her to the door where you will give her an awkward peck on her cheek”. She says all this in a half serious half playful voice. I would find out later that the older sister is a contract law attorney.
No joke the three of us go out and do all these things (of course the older sister makes me pay for her too). The whole time the older sister prodded her to talk and make conversation. So we did really get to know each other and did find that we shared a lot of common interests (anime, K pop, animal crossing, coding, etc). At the end of the night, just like the older sister instructed, I walked my future wife to the door and gave her a peck on the cheek. Later that night my future wife texted me apologizing for her older sister’s aggressiveness and I texted her back apologizing for putting her on the spot. From there we started texting each other, then that turned into phone calls and then we started going on dates. Some chaperoned by her older sister (not complaining though because that girl was a blast and knew how to have fun) and some solo. Two years after that we got married with her sister as the matron of honor and her husband as my best man (this is a funny story in and of itself — my actual brother is still a bit sore about this but my sister in law’s husband is a great guy but just as aggressive as she is).
Anyways, the last time we told this story was to some friends of my wife’s younger brother. They are late teens (18,19). One of the girls in that group said that this isn’t a cute funny story but that it was a horrible case of harassment and an abuse of a power imbalance. She said that it is never appropriate to solicit a woman for a date at her place of work when you are a customer because of “unwritten social expectations”. And she continued with that it was inappropriate to keep trying after the first rejection. Mind you my wife says constantly that she is happy I kept trying and never let up. My wife told me that in all honesty she loved the fact that she was being chased since she was particularly shy and soft spoken since she was always in the shadow of her outgoing and gregarious older sister. This girl claimed that the worst part is I asked for my wife’s phone number when she was warming herself in my car. She said that this was a flagrant abuse of a power imbalance where my wife was probably thinking it was either agree to a date or freeze to death. Of course this didn’t sit well with my wife, since this story is a cherished moment of her life as much as it is mine so she gave that girl a piece of her mind. Then that girl made the claim that women like my wife are who is propping up patriarchy. Neither of us are particularly confrontational so we disengaged.
In any case has the rules and nature of courtship really changed so much? My sister in law’s husband has this out there conspiracy theory concerning the masters of the internet wanting to force all aspects of our lives to be electronic and I am kind of thinking it’s not as wacky as it once seemed.

 

[snoochface]

 

[Paidiske]

I don't know if "the rules" have changed - I've been married fourteen years now - but I certainly read that and thought, "If I were that girl I would be feeling really uncomfortable and as if this guy is a bit creepy." The fact that you seemed to keep trying to push past her boundaries is something I'd read as a red flag.

Now obviously everyone's different, and she's happy, so... no harm, no foul in your case; but yeah, some people might react very differently.

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

That girl’s just jealous...

 

[Merry Jerry]

I don't know if "the rules" have changed - I've been married fourteen years now - but I certainly read that and thought, "If I were that girl I would be feeling really uncomfortable and as if this guy is a bit creepy." The fact that you seemed to keep trying to push past her boundaries is something I'd read as a red flag.

Now obviously everyone's different, and she's happy, so... no harm, no foul in your case; but yeah, some people might react very differently.

So, what would be consider a boundary? She had never actually asked me to stop talking to her (I would have if she did). She had never even really said she wasn’t interested she just kind of kept saying no to going out, and by her admission it was because she was shy. We were really both two super awkward people who had no game.
I really didn’t date, before her I had one girlfriend who my older brother set me up with and now with her I don’t chase after any one else.
So these days what would the line be between persuasion and harassment. And there definitely has been a change. My older brother is in his late 30’s and he met his spouse at his work. They are a great couple and both still work for the same company. They both dated other coworkers until they went out for drinks one night and the rest was history. At my job which is in the same field literally no body our age or younger dates or hooks up. Everyone talks about their tinder matches and dates they go on with people they meet on apps but literally nobody tries to date coworkers, standard reason given is “I don’t want to bother him/her at work”.

 

[Merry Jerry]

That girl’s just jealous...

I don’t think so because she isn’t the only person I have heard say that approaching women at their work places constitutes harassment. She I think is dating a friend of my brother in law.

 

[Paidiske]

So, what would be consider a boundary?

"She remained polite but I could tell by her body language I was striking out... She very politely but firmly declined and kind of tried to end the conversation and pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and started texting as she was walking away... always it was the same with her. Polite, cheery but distant... For the first few minutes we both kind of sat in silence looking straight ahead... I texted her but I got no response. I tried calling a few times but each time went to voice mail..." and the fact that her sister had to basically coerce her onto that first date.

For a lot of women, that behaviour would have been a way to try to politely and gently signal that they are not interested in you. The fact that you disregard that and keep pushing therefore comes across to a lot of people as disrespectful and yes, over the line from persuasion to something stronger.

As for the workplace thing, that's been a no-no for as long as I can remember. Especially when the object of your interest isn't able to easily escape your attentions or has less power relative to you.

 

[Merry Jerry]

For a lot of women, that behaviour would have been a way to try to politely and gently signal that they are not interested in you. The fact that you disregard that and keep pushing therefore comes across to a lot of people as disrespectful and yes, over the line from persuasion to something stronger.

So you say, a lot which means not all. Which by definition is not universal. So wouldn’t acting if this were universal be unfair to those who do not feel this way? Why should there not be some responsibility to actually verbalize what one wants one way or another? Like my sister in law would tell you exactly what she wants how you are to give it to her and what you would get in exchanged and she dies this in every aspect of her life.

 

[Paidiske]

So you say, a lot which means not all. Which by definition is not universal. So wouldn’t acting if this were universal be unfair to those who do not feel this way? Why should there not be some responsibility to actually verbalize what one wants one way or another? Like my sister in law would tell you exactly what she wants how you are to give it to her and what you would get in exchanged and she dies this in every aspect of her life.

I don't know what your issue is. People are giving you feedback that the way you pursued your wife would make many women uncomfortable. Since you're not actually seeking to court anyone any more, that's not really an issue for you anyway.

But for guys who are still courting, it's worth being aware of how they can come across. Getting mad at women for being polite about their non-interest isn't going to help anyone.

 

[Merry Jerry]

I don't know what your issue is. People are giving you feedback that the way you pursued your wife would make many women uncomfortable. Since you're not actually seeking to court anyone any more, that's not really an issue for you anyway.

But for guys who are still courting, it's worth being aware of how they can come across. Getting mad at women for being polite about their non-interest isn't going to help anyone.

It seems like you may have a bit of a chip on your shoulder. Who said anything about getting mad at women for non interest?

 

[Paidiske]

Who said anything about getting mad at women for non interest?

I was responding to: "So wouldn’t acting if this were universal be unfair to those who do not feel this way? Why should there not be some responsibility to actually verbalize what one wants one way or another?"

Accusing women of being "unfair" and not taking responsibility in the relationship seemed to indicate, at the very least, a level of frustration.

 

[Merry Jerry]

I was responding to: "So wouldn’t acting if this were universal be unfair to those who do not feel this way? Why should there not be some responsibility to actually verbalize what one wants one way or another?"

Accusing women of being "unfair" and not taking responsibility in the relationship seemed to indicate, at the very least, a level of frustration.

I never said women were unfair...You said yourself that “most” people feel a certain way (you never really quantify how you get most I think it is more fair to say some but I can’t quantify that either so I will keep your terminology), so most by definition is not all. So when you say most feel a certain way therefore we should all do a certain thing, I am asking if that isn’t a bit unfair to those who do not feel the same way as most. So in what we are talking about I am not implying that women aren’t fair but instead what you are proposing isn’t fair to certain women (my wife being one of them).
Also I haven’t said anything about women needing to take responsibility in a relationship. If anything the responsibility to vocalize and verbalize what one wants is more a responsibility to ones self than to any one or thing else. So it seems you may be the one who is indicating a level of frustration that people, I am guessing in your case mostly men, don’t just automatically know what you want.

 

[Paidiske]

So when you say most feel a certain way therefore we should all do a certain thing...

I didn't say that. I said that it's worth being aware of how different behaviours can come across. With that awareness, people can make choices in their particular circumstances.

I'm not frustrated that people don't just automatically know what I want, and I've learned to be fairly assertive and clear in my communication. If I have any concern here, it's that a lot of men don't respect women's boundaries and seem to feel it's romantic or cute to keep pushing past "no."

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

My wife and I are 24 and 25 respectively. We have been happily married for 3 years and dated 2 years prior to getting married. She was 19 and I was 20 when we first met. To us and our families the story of how we met has always been considered cute and funny. If it matters we are both from Christian nuclear families and both sets of our parents are alive and still together. Now however, when we tell our story to people both our age and younger there are definitely some people who don’t awww, but criticize it as “problematic”.
Any ways my wife and I met at the small restaurant she was waitress at while we were both in college. When I first saw her I was head over heals. She was and still is the most gorgeous girl I had ever seen she is tall, long haired, adorably cute face. She looked like an anime character come to life; and when she first spoke to me my heart almost skipped a beat. Her voice was just so angelic and she did this thing where she would stutter and giggle. I fell for her hard. After that I kept coming in just to see her. We weren’t friends at this time or anything, I was kind of awkward and I could never seem to work up the courage to really talk to her about anything asides my order so that’s how it went for a couple weeks. I just kept making excuses for myself (it’s too busy right now, she doesn’t have time to chat, etc) on why I couldn’t do anything other than give her my order. Then one day I went to the restaurant at dinner rather than lunch and saw her getting off her shift. So I watched her put on her coat, grab her stuff and walk out and across the street to a bus stop and sit there and wait for her bus. I don’t know what I was thinking at the time but I thought it would be a good idea to catch her after work and offer her a ride or something like that.
I came a few more evenings and tried even to time myself to leave at about the same time as her. One day I got my timing just right and I guess I had just enough courage to approach her as she was walking out the door. When I said hi, I startled her a bit but she was super friendly. I tried my best to make conversation but I was super nervous. I didn’t have (still don’t) have a ton of game back then so I know I was not exactly sweeping her off her feet. She remained polite but I could tell by her body language I was striking out. We kind of chatted as we walked to her bus stop and as we were crossing the street I finally blurted out that I have a car and I can give her a ride. She very politely but firmly declined and kind of tried to end the conversation and pulled her cellphone out of her pocket and started texting as she was walking away. I felt crushed so I just walked back to my car and drove away.
I guess the love struck mind of a lonely guy works in funny ways because I still kept going to the restaurant hoping to just see her and maybe try again to strike up a conversation. So over the next few weeks I did that, and she acted totally normal when she waited on me. I tried doing stuff like tipping a bit more and trying to Be a bit more talkative but always it was the same with her. Polite, cheery but distant. A couple times I worked up the courage to ask her out for coffee but each time she declined. Then one day it was snowing and apparently somebody stole her Canada Goose parka some time during the day. I saw her argue with the manager and then storm out with no coat. I guess I had the courage that day so I thought this was my best chance. I left money on the table and ran out after her. I jumped into my car and intercepted her as she got to the bus stop. When I pulled up she was holding her shoulders and shivering. I jumped out, took off my coat and draped it around her. She was very surprised but also very very cold so her first words were just “thank you”. I could see that even with my coat on she was so cold that her knees were knocking so I kind of just guided her to the passenger door opened it for her and she got in without a word. When I got back into the driver side she had already turned the heat in my car onto full blast and was warming her hands on the vent. I told her she could either sit in my car until the bus arrived or I can take her anywhere she wanted to go. She opted for wait in the car until the bus arrived. At this time her bus was on about a 45 minute rotation. For the first few minutes we both kind of sat in silence looking straight ahead. I broke the ice by asking her why she would leave her house without a jacket that day. That’s when she told me that some one stole her expensive parka and the restaurant manager was absolutely no help. We continued to chat a bit until we saw the lights of the bus in the rear view. She said “well, guess that’s me. Thank you so much for warming me up, come back tomorrow and I will comp your meal”. I normally am not that quick on my feet with women so what I said next surprised even me. I told her to keep my coat on so she doesn’t freeze when she gets off the bus and she can give it back when I come for my free meal. She did her adorable giggle, thanked me again and asked if there was anything she could do to thank me. I blurted out that it would love to get her number and maybe go out for some coffee some time. She hurriedly scribbled down her number, said sure and jumped out of the car and into her bus.
The next day when I went back to the restaurant she wasn’t there. I asked another waitress about her and she went to the back, came back with my coat and said that anything I want was on the house. I asked again about my future wife and the other waitress said that she had switched to mornings. Later that night I texted her to thank her for returning my coat and the free meal but I got no response. I went to the restaurant a couple times after that and at different but I didn’t see her. I texted her a few times and asked about the coffee but no response. I tried calling a few times but each time went to voice mail.
About 2 weeks after that night I tried calling one more time and this time some one picked up. I at first thought it was her. This woman had the same bubbly voice giggle and everything. It turned out however this was her older sister, my future sister in law. When I first thought it was her I reminded her that she had agreed to a date. The woman on the other line was like “who exactly is this?” So I reminded her about the evening at the bus stop. Then she said “oooooohhhhhhh I know who you are, hold on a sec, this is her older sister by the way.....” she put the phone down and I could hear this other woman yell something but I couldn’t make out what. I sat on the phone a few minutes and the sister came back on the line. She said to me “yeah.... my little sister is a bit of a spaz... but she will love to go out with you, come to this address at 3pm tomorrow and she will be ready”. Before I could say anything else she hung up. That was followed by a text with an address and a note saying “don’t be late”.
Maybe I should have been a bit more cautious but I was young, dumb and in love so I was counting down the minutes.
I pulled up to the address a little early and waited, I had brought candy, flowers, and a teddy bear. Right at 3, the door opened and this woman who looked almost identical to my future wife came out leading my future wife by the hand. She opened the passenger door and pretty much stuffed my future wife in and then she herself jumped into the back seat. ( I would come to find out later that the older sister has a huge heart but she also likes to meddle in the romantic lives of her siblings). My future wife didn’t say anything, the sister however went into a full introduction. She introduced her self and said “Hi, I am ...., .....’s older sister. I understand that my little sister had agreed to a date yet she has reneged on that commitment. I am here to ensure that .... fulfills that commitment. You are going to take her to Starbucks to get coffees, then you are taking her bowling, followed by burgers and then return here and walk her to the door where you will give her an awkward peck on her cheek”. She says all this in a half serious half playful voice. I would find out later that the older sister is a contract law attorney.
No joke the three of us go out and do all these things (of course the older sister makes me pay for her too). The whole time the older sister prodded her to talk and make conversation. So we did really get to know each other and did find that we shared a lot of common interests (anime, K pop, animal crossing, coding, etc). At the end of the night, just like the older sister instructed, I walked my future wife to the door and gave her a peck on the cheek. Later that night my future wife texted me apologizing for her older sister’s aggressiveness and I texted her back apologizing for putting her on the spot. From there we started texting each other, then that turned into phone calls and then we started going on dates. Some chaperoned by her older sister (not complaining though because that girl was a blast and knew how to have fun) and some solo. Two years after that we got married with her sister as the matron of honor and her husband as my best man (this is a funny story in and of itself — my actual brother is still a bit sore about this but my sister in law’s husband is a great guy but just as aggressive as she is).
Anyways, the last time we told this story was to some friends of my wife’s younger brother. They are late teens (18,19). One of the girls in that group said that this isn’t a cute funny story but that it was a horrible case of harassment and an abuse of a power imbalance. She said that it is never appropriate to solicit a woman for a date at her place of work when you are a customer because of “unwritten social expectations”. And she continued with that it was inappropriate to keep trying after the first rejection. Mind you my wife says constantly that she is happy I kept trying and never let up. My wife told me that in all honesty she loved the fact that she was being chased since she was particularly shy and soft spoken since she was always in the shadow of her outgoing and gregarious older sister. This girl claimed that the worst part is I asked for my wife’s phone number when she was warming herself in my car. She said that this was a flagrant abuse of a power imbalance where my wife was probably thinking it was either agree to a date or freeze to death. Of course this didn’t sit well with my wife, since this story is a cherished moment of her life as much as it is mine so she gave that girl a piece of her mind. Then that girl made the claim that women like my wife are who is propping up patriarchy. Neither of us are particularly confrontational so we disengaged.
In any case has the rules and nature of courtship really changed so much? My sister in law’s husband has this out there conspiracy theory concerning the masters of the internet wanting to force all aspects of our lives to be electronic and I am kind of thinking it’s not as wacky as it once seemed.

All I had to read was "courtship" to tell you that "yes" things have changed.

 

[mama2one]

my sister was working at a restaurant while attending college and her future husband was a customer

 

[(° ͡ ͜ ͡ʖ ͡ °) (ᵔᴥᵔʋ)]

One of the girls in that group said that this isn’t a cute funny story but that it was a horrible case of harassment and an abuse of a power imbalance. She said that it is never appropriate to solicit a woman for a date at her place of work when you are a customer because of “unwritten social expectations”. And she continued with that it was inappropriate to keep trying after the first rejection. Mind you my wife says constantly that she is happy I kept trying and never let up. My wife told me that in all honesty she loved the fact that she was being chased since she was particularly shy and soft spoken since she was always in the shadow of her outgoing and gregarious older sister. This girl claimed that the worst part is I asked for my wife’s phone number when she was warming herself in my car. She said that this was a flagrant abuse of a power imbalance where my wife was probably thinking it was either agree to a date or freeze to death. Of course this didn’t sit well with my wife, since this story is a cherished moment of her life as much as it is mine so she gave that girl a piece of her mind. Then that girl made the claim that women like my wife are who is propping up patriarchy. Neither of us are particularly confrontational so we disengaged.
In any case has the rules and nature of courtship really changed so much? My sister in law’s husband has this out there conspiracy theory concerning the masters of the internet wanting to force all aspects of our lives to be electronic and I am kind of thinking it’s not as wacky as it once seemed.

Bottom line up front, the girl you spoke to was a feminist with some serious issues. You did nothing wrong. Do not listen to a single word she said. Women need to feel captivating.

 

[Paidiske]

Women need to feel captivating.

Of all the things I have ever needed, this is not one. It's an unfortunate stereotype, though, because it views women as inherently manipulative.

 

[mama2one]

my husband did chase me
I found him annoying at first before he asked me out
he kept trying to talk to me while I was busy working

 

[Merry Jerry]

my husband did chase me
I found him annoying at first before he asked me out
he kept trying to talk to me while I was busy working

May I ask how old you are? Not to be rude of course. It just feels like there is definitely a divide where a certain generation believes that they have a right to not be annoyed.

 

[Merry Jerry]

my sister was working at a restaurant while attending college and her future husband was a customer


as far as I know, the workplace is often where people meet their spouses
it's where I met husband
he was in mgmt/ I was working pt & finishing college
I had to quit when we married as married people couldn't work there

he used to buy a bunch of snacks from the work snack machine and I'd open my locker at work and it would be filled, lol

Married people couldn’t work there? That sounds like it would run afoul discrimination laws in the US