Have I committed the unpardonable sin?

I can tell you from my own experience that you have most definitely have not committed blasphemy of the Holy Spirit.. You sound like the classic case of a backslider. It happens to a lot of people.

Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is to deny Jesus your whole life and die in that state, without asking forgiveness.

Galnaros said:

I don't know what I want. I certainly know that I had a relationship with God before and those months it lasted were the best months of my life. I'd lie if I said that I actually wánt a relationship with God, but I know that I nééd a relationship with God in order to be fixed. Also , I forgot to mention that I have been in psychiatry for over 18 months now and they haven't been able to fix me. Not even slightly. This mental confusion doesn't ever stop. I asked God to forgive me every day ever since, but those attempts were not genuine, if you know what I mean. Not from the bottom of my heart that is.

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I would like to jump in at this point of your post, going with what you state in this message you made a declaration of faith and repented of your sins, you MUST believe in your heart that Jesus heard you and set you apart unto the good news(gospel). Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1). Taking this point first, you must act on your request of being saved by your faith and quit asking for something that you have already received. How, by faith, trusting that Jesus will and has done what He said He would do. Also, you mentioned sin that you did not want to give up, one must be willing to forsake the sinful lifestyle or they have not repented, turned away from fulfilling the desires of the flesh. Romans 6 would be a good chapter for you to read and notice that once saved you are freed from the dominion or rule of the sinful nature. Take a verse or verses that give you assurance from God, such as Phil: 2:13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. When tempted say this verse over and over and believe it and do not yield to the temptation. Also, James 4:7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Say this and believe it, one must believe what they claim. Using verses that answer the temptation(s) and trusting them to be true is a must for all Christians. That is why in Ps 119:11 thy word have I hid in my heart that I might not sin again You. Isaiah 26:3 Thou will keep him in perfect peace who's mind is stayed on Thee, because they trust in You.

Galnaros said:

I want to be able to be so happy again that I write textbooks full with words like: God is great, God is love etc. I still have a notebook which I kept save that shows that I was totally in love with God back then.


I am sure that he is my Lord and Saviour and I have told him before. During my 'spiritual experience', let's call it that, I made promises to God and I haven't kept them, not even close. I have found an Evangelic Christian community which welcomed me with open arms. I will meet the head of the community coming sunday. He told me that it was God who brought us together and that everything will be fine after all. Our meeting via e-mail so far, has managed to give me some hope, so I'm not 100% hopeless..for now.
[EDIT] I can't even get around the fact that He ís my Lord and Saviour, but it doesn't come from actual faith anymore. It's because I have experienced the power of the Holy Spirit. The way it transformed me was wonderful to say the least. All my friends told me aswell.

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You seem like you have genuinely felt the presence and benefits provided by the Holy Spirit. You are aware those were the happiest and most fulfilling moments of your life. It seems you simply cannot accept living without sin. I felt something similar in my early years of sobriety. I didn't think I could find happiness without alcohol in my life. This is a common human frailty. If you want to prioritize your human proclivities to sin, you will reject God and Jesus. If you really want true happiness and fulfillment provided by God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit you will reject your own wretched will to sin.

It seems like you resent the fact that it isn't possible to have your spiritual cake without doing the work of mixing the batter and baking it yourself. In my experience, you will continue to be miserable if you cannot surrender your own will over to the will of God. Yet once you accept His will instead of your own life will seem glorious again. You have had a taste of His glory. It is certainly worth the sacrifice, while also liberating you from being a prisoner of your own sins. We all face the choice on a daily basis. I pray you can find the strength to make the rational, rewarding and sane choice. Peace