Has anyone else ever felt this way?

[Flicka2017]

I am truly the worst person in the world. I do not say this to garner pity or sympathy. I hurt people I am very close to. I have walls I put up against anyone I get close to. I feel like all they are going to do is "get me where they want me" and then "laugh at me". Sort of like a puppy who learns to love his owner and then the owner shoves him in a cage, pokes him with a stick and then laughs at him while he whimpers and cries. I guess I am just paranoid, but I can't let my guard down for anyone. It didn't bother me so badly with other people I was close to, but after this most recent event, I feel I could truly kill myself. Again, not looking for any pity or sympathy. I said the most awful things to this person. I brought up things they did to me in the past (things that, while hurtful, didn't deserve that kind of unkindness; considering what I've done is 1,000 times worse). I told this person that basically I hate them and I can't wait to never see them again. It goes MUCH deeper than this, which I do not wish to air online. You get the point. Has anyone else ever done this? Have you ever pushed someone away that you loved so deeply simply because you were afraid of what "might" happen if you let your guard down for them? I am tired of feeling this way. I have prayed and prayed my heart out about it. Do I have to lose this person in order for that prayer to truly come to fruition? Will it take that for me to realize what an awful person I am and "maybe" then, and only then, stop this? I truly want to just end my life right now. I can't bear one more minute to think of what I have done to this person. It will truly haunt me for the rest of my life; and so much worse when this person is out of my presence forever!

 

[Matthew B]

You are not truly the worst person in the world. How are you to judge everyone in the world? Have you met everyone living in the world? What you did was very selfish and unkind but what is done is done. You have to move on from here with what you've done to that person. I know you can't stop thinking about it and that is because it is an unresolved issue in your life and it needs to be addressed. If you really hate them then I should remind you the scripture that says if you want to be forgiven then you must forgive. You must even forgive yourself! In my past I shut myself off from the world in some ways to avoid having to address some issues with my life. I have told my mom I hated her even though she was not trying to be unkind to me. I have avoided friendships because I didn't want something to be brought up and I have avoided people for the same reasons. You have to feel sorry for them and yourself. God will help you there are just things he has been wanting you to do and you haven't done them yet. I think you already realize what an awful thing you've done it's just a matter of whether you want to change or not. The choice is yours but remember that God is a helper and a savior and a miracle provider and that people want to be your friend! Not everyone is out to get you and some people just like to be around others. Ok, thanks for reading and I hope you can get your mind off of this terrible thing you've done. I love you and God loves you and a lot of people love you and don't want anything bad to happen to you. If you are living for Jesus people will hate you but not for bad reasons like not making friends.

 

[God is good]

I am truly the worst person in the world. I do not say this to garner pity or sympathy. I hurt people I am very close to. I have walls I put up against anyone I get close to. I feel like all they are going to do is "get me where they want me" and then "laugh at me". Sort of like a puppy who learns to love his owner and then the owner shoves him in a cage, pokes him with a stick and then laughs at him while he whimpers and cries. I guess I am just paranoid, but I can't let my guard down for anyone. It didn't bother me so badly with other people I was close to, but after this most recent event, I feel I could truly kill myself. Again, not looking for any pity or sympathy. I said the most awful things to this person. I brought up things they did to me in the past (things that, while hurtful, didn't deserve that kind of unkindness; considering what I've done is 1,000 times worse). I told this person that basically I hate them and I can't wait to never see them again. It goes MUCH deeper than this, which I do not wish to air online. You get the point. Has anyone else ever done this? Have you ever pushed someone away that you loved so deeply simply because you were afraid of what "might" happen if you let your guard down for them? I am tired of feeling this way. I have prayed and prayed my heart out about it. Do I have to lose this person in order for that prayer to truly come to fruition? Will it take that for me to realize what an awful person I am and "maybe" then, and only then, stop this? I truly want to just end my life right now. I can't bear one more minute to think of what I have done to this person. It will truly haunt me for the rest of my life; and so much worse when this person is out of my presence forever!

God loves you so much and he does not want you to take your life. You could just talk to that person maybe, I don't have a lot of good advice but we are all sinners who need Jesus Christ and I need him just as much as you do and no matter what God loves you so much, just keep praying.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

If that makes you the worst person in the world then my label must be somehow worse than that since I've done things that probably should have landed me in prison.

Now going to your "not as bad" level. I have said nasty things to people after some issues. A ex-fiance who was pretty messed up in the head, I told her things that would make an atheist hang their head in shame. I did ask for forgiveness about it later in life when I changed my life around. But it still haunts me how nasty I was to her. I can't even repeat most of the horrible things I said. But one of the things I said was for her to do the world a favor and kill herself (along with some nasty choice swear words). >.< I didn't even want to post that because I feel sick typing it. Then again I was a suicidal raging person who was angry at God and the world at the time.

Hopefully that makes you feel better so you can see sometimes we do VERY stupid and horrible things. Now what you need to do is pray to God for forgiveness and ask the person for forgiveness. Even if they don't want to, at least you shown the willingness to make the first move to correct things. Which should make you feel better inside. And of course pray for God to help you with how you feel about people and things. Pray God helps you with your tongue and your thoughts.

And remember YOU are loved by God no matter what. Hes always there waiting for you to repent. He wants to help you grow as a christian. And things like this will help you do that growing. We cannot learn if we don't make mistakes sometimes. I can tell you I feel WONDERFUL now changing all those evil things I had did in the past. Its like God took all the weight on my shoulders away and said "Good work My son! You have made me happy!".

 

[mikeangel]

I feel also, that you have been hurt. Either perceived or real, and do not trust anyone with your feelings or heart. You have to be the one in control to feel safe. To test those who would occupy your heart and possibly hurt you, you do things to them to see if they will still love you. Its sometimes not good or bad, its just how you are wired. The problem is, no one can pass that test eventually. You have to be patient with yourself and want to change and pray for God to toughen you up a bit inside to deal with emotional pain.
I was the tested one, with my first wife. Been there, done that, got the scars to prove it. And I know that the pain and abuse she suffered from her own family made her the way she was. But I had to get out to save myself. The good thing with you is that you know its not fair and want to change. Godbless . Hope it comes easy for you but be patient.

 

[Emli]

I've been where you are. I had a really crappy childhood, and I became a horrible person because of it. I had these fits of anger all the time, I hurt myself and others. I could never, ever calm down. I got diagnosed with borderline disorder, anxiety disorder, abandonment issues etc (you can google it and realize that you are not alone) psychologists couldn't help me, but eventually, I turned to God, who healed me. I rarely become angry. This will all pass and you will be free. Look forward to that. It might be good to seek help. Maybe someone from your church. To just have someone to talk to and open up to helps a lot. Just release all of those harmful feelings. And you also need to trust God, because in the end, He is the one that will change your heart. You can talk to Him about everything. If you're feeling angry, don't hold back. He has seen worse, and treated worse. And He will carry your burdens for you.

Just keep praying. Cry out to Him! Give your problems to Jesus. Keep asking for deliverance, everyday, and talk to Him everytime those difficult memories pop up. Don't just stuff them back in. Don't listen to the voices of condemnation! They are of the enemy. It will take some time, but eventually you will be free from all of this.

And remember that Paul holds the title of being the worst sinner. 1 Timothy 1:15 remind yourself of that, remember how much God used Him, and know that God loves you and is there for you to help you.

I'll be praying for you. Talk to me if you want to. (I've felt it all and done it all)

 

[Solomons Porch]

This video is only about 5 minutes long. I was stuck for years and got sick of being there. One day I came across some videos by this counseling agency and realized that was my problem. I had a spirit of bitterness and since addressing this in my life, everything about me and my family has changed. Give it a try its only 5 minutes. Prayers for you !!