happily married couples, i need advice!

[fakemind]

im not married, but i need some some Christian advice from some happily married couples...

im a guy with a serious girlfriend, but we have a serious issue in our relationship. ive posted before here on CF but without any really helpful replies. our problem lies with me. sometimes i am tempted to look at other girls. if an nice looking girl walks in the room or comes in my vision, sometimes the temptation will pop in my head to look. i dont want to look at all, and i hate that this temptation is even there. but i want to be 100% honest with my girlfriend and so she knows about this - but its killing our relationship. she feels inadequate - even though she is no way inadequate in any way shape or form! she is so beautiful and cute and very attractive and i try to tell her all that, but the fact that im tempted to look at another girl (regardless of whether i actually look) is tearing her up inside. she said she doesnt understand how i could be tempted if she's my queen and she's all i want. and she said she doesnt understand how i could think another girl is better looking than her.

what do all you Christian girls think about this? do you think im just a loser? if you were in my girlfriend's situation, what would you do? would you understand the temptation as long as i didnt give in, would you think im just a jerk and need to change? if you ever asked your boyfriend or husband, "does she look prettier than me?" or whatever question, and if the other girl did, would you want your boyfriend/husband to lie to you, tell you the truth, reassure you you have nothing to worry about, or what?

i dont know. im desperate and i want to hear some honest Christian opinions on the matter. and any thoughts from any Christian wives that have actually gone through something like this would be really helpful. or any guys who have gone through this and have any advice for me, that would be great too.

:-(

 

[karla]

Are you staring at other women and making comments? From your post it doesn't sound like you are. It is human nature to notice attractive people and I don't see anything wrong with it. I am sure my husband has looked at other women and thought they were beautiful just as I have seen other men and thought they were attractive. That in and of itself does not detract from a relationship. We don't pursue other people. He doesn't say "hey babe look at that hot chick" and I don't say "if I were single I'd be all over him". It's hard not to notice beautiful people. Your girlfriend needs to be secure in herself and in your relationship and in the love that you have for her. It is also human nature to compare ourselves to others. I have been gulity of it many a times. The truth of the matter is, is that I know htat my husband loves me and only me and I trust and believe in that love. He married me for who and what I am. Make sure your girlfriend knows that you love her, romance her with the little things, but don't beat yourself up over something that is really pretty trivial - don't let that define your realtionship. Honesty is an important part of any realtioship, but sharing things that will only hurt the other person that don't have a true affect on the relationship are better withheld. My husbadn doesn't come home and tell me if he saw a beautiful woman that day because it the grabnd scheme of things it doesn't matter. It sounds like you have a great love and respect for your girlfriend focus on that.

God Bless

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

I once noticed my pastor looking at a really awesome girl and commented to him on this. His exact words "I am ordained not dead!" I was in shock to be honest. He then explained that he can appreciate the beauty God created and that there is a large gap between looking and appreciating and lusting. What you need to do is make sure you are not lusting when you look and if you are not make sure your g/f knows this. If she still has a problem then there is not a problem with you but with her. She may need to turn her self image over to God and ask that she be shown the beauty that you see in her and that God sees in her.

 

[MG]

Romans 7:15-25

I think that most men will agree (honestly) that you are not alone. As for me, I understand this weakness in my husband as well. I know that he is saved by Grace, but his flesh is still there. That is a battle that wages war in him too, as most men. God created men to be very visually stimulated beings. You can't just erase that part of yourself completely. Trying to do so will only bring despair in thinking "What is wrong with me??" But as you grow spiritually, the spirit will "overrule" the flesh.

 

[desi]

When you stop checking out other women you will cease to be a sexual being, period. I am the most Godly husband I know, aside from one old guy who still checks out women-he's a leg man and an organic chemistry professor as well as the leader of the Christian group at a small college, which doesn't say much for the people I know and I consistently check out other women. Don't worry about it and don't dime yourself out to your woman, that's just plain dumb. If you love her and would never act on your thoughts just look and let it go.

 

[seebs]

Being worried that your significant other is "looking" is not an uncommon thing. It's also generally not worth worrying about. Looking is not harmful; lusting is. These are not the same thing. Your girlfriend may have insecurity issues; this could be something to do with your relationship, or it could be part of how she's used to dealing with the world.

I've been married >9 years, and I've never been seriously tempted by other women... But if a hot looking girl crosses my field of vision, I generally look. My wife doesn't care, any more than I care that she has declared that Johnny Depp is officially hot.

You may want to talk to her more about this. If you guys are young, she may just not be used to relationships and boundaries yet.

 

[~PICKLE~]

All men look, I think my husband is the worst!! I started out like your girlfriend. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough and he'd rather be with a skinner and prettier women. He would always laugh and hug me and say something stupid like " I'm a man, I like to look at the menu, but I'm always gonna eat at home." I slap him off me and then pout for the rest of the day. Then I started watching him and the girls he looked at. Man does he have bad judgment. I then felt better, and Since i know he's always gonna be looking, I like to help him out alittle. Our friends think I'm crazy, but it always makes for a good time and my feeling don't get hurt. And he happens to pick someone out that is really pretty, I ask him if he wants me to get her number, and I start walking towards her. Without fail, he chases me down blushing and turns me the other way. As you probably can see I'm very blunt. But it works. it's natural for a man to look, us girls look too, but we don't make it that ovious(sp?)

 

[desi]

All men look, I think my husband is the worst!! I started out like your girlfriend. I felt like I wasn't pretty enough and he'd rather be with a skinner and prettier women. He would always laugh and hug me and say something stupid like " I'm a man, I like to look at the menu, but I'm always gonna eat at home." I slap him off me and then pout for the rest of the day. Then I started watching him and the girls he looked at. Man does he have bad judgment. I then felt better, and Since i know he's always gonna be looking, I like to help him out alittle. Our friends think I'm crazy, but it always makes for a good time and my feeling don't get hurt. And he happens to pick someone out that is really pretty, I ask him if he wants me to get her number, and I start walking towards her. Without fail, he chases me down blushing and turns me the other way. As you probably can see I'm very blunt. But it works. it's natural for a man to look, us girls look too, but we don't make it that ovious(sp?)

If we weren't married I'd ask you out sight unseen! This is exactly the attitude it takes to be a Godly woman, there are exceedingly few. Your husband should count himself blessed to be married to a woman of such amazing whit and understanding.

 

[LN]

I think its natural to look and there isn't anything wrong with you.

You may find that once you get married and you make love with your wife often (hopefully) you're hormones won't feel quite as strong as they do now. Being with someone you love and not being able to demonstrate that psyically can be difficult.

Laura

 

[openeyes]

I'm the one that don't look around, I personally could care less about what gender a person is, all I see is people. True some are more attractive than others, but only to describe them.
As far as looking at the menu.... when you have steak at home, why are you in the burger joint?
I think of it this way, if you are looking (and admiring) you are coveting. It may be a certain look or maybe just the eyes or what-not, it's still coveting.
People seem to draw a line at the lusting part, ie "if your not lusting then it's ok"
but there is still this "thou shalt not covet" thing hanging about, that really needs to be looked into. There are alot of lessons in the Bible that teach us to control hormones, that's what separates us from the rest of the animals.... God gave us a way to reason away animal instincts, and replace the ones we leave behind with spirituality.
My advice is.... if this makes your girl uncomfortable, then you really need to try harder and leave this behind, build her confidence, in that she's your steak and your passing the buger stands on the way home.

 

[Mrs K 2004]

My fiancee is horrible! (At least I used to think so!) He looks at beautiful women all the time; although he used to try so hard to hide it from me because he felt guilty too! And I used to make him feel more guilty because I was so jealous! (I am a bigger girl, and used to have a VERY low confidance level!)

However over time I learned that it's part of human nature... as a photographer, I walk past a beautiful photograph I stop and stare... just as my fiance (as a man) glances at a beautiful car! So he occasionally notices how beautiful a woman is; but he's still going to marry me So I'm not so worried anymore... we just had many long discussions about it; and I gained some confidance!

 

[mamaneenie]

I know my husband looks at other women on occasion, it is hard not to, when sometimes some women go around half naked. (or so it seems anyway) I have noticed attractive guys myself it is normal. There is a fine line between appreciating someone who is attractive to you, and then lusting over them. However, I wouldn't talk about it. If you go talking about it, of course she is going to take it in and feel inadequate. If you stop talking about it, and start giving her compliments about her appearance and also the personal qualities you admire about her, you will find she gets over it.