Handling stupid remarks

[dawnsday]

My best friend...who is also my daughter's godmother...often says things about my daughter that, frankly, make me want to slap her (i don't of course).

She often starts statements with "her problem is..." or "what is wrong with her is..."

my daughter is different, definately. she likes drawing and reading over playing outside, she is shy around new kids, she's very mature for being seven, enjoys watching Rachel Ray and the discovery channel over Hannah Montana and I love all these things about her. She is well behaved and doesn't get into much trouble, ever, has great manners. She has some negative attributes, of course, but every time something about her that is not like "most" children comes up, my best friend has to dog on it.

I don't know how to handle it, what would you say or do to diffuse these comments, without being rude or hurtful?

 

[Linnis]

I would tell her nothing is wrong with her. Then ask her to keep further opinions of the nature to herself.

 

[appleofhiseye]

Maybe say- there's nothing "wrong" with my daughter, or my daughter isn't a problem... when she starts a thought that way. Maybe your friend just has a bad way with words.

 

[suzybeezy]

I would probably say "I appreciate your concern, but your comments come acrossed as hurtful and you'd appreciate she consider how her words may make you feel".

 

[jgonz]

I would probably say something along the lines of "her personality is just different than the average 7 yr old's". My DD is 6 and isn't into Hannah Montana or playing outside...

 

[bliz]

Problem?

Wrong?

She sounds like a delightful child!

I'm afraid I would say something like: "We like Matilda. In fact, we think Matilda is a great kid! We know she's not perfect, but we love and like our daughter. If you can't say some nice things about her, please don't say anything about her."

 

[heart of peace]

Problem?

Wrong?

She sounds like a delightful child!

I'm afraid I would say something like: "We like Matilda. In fact, we think Matilda is a great kid! We know she's not perfect, but we love and like our daughter. If you can't say some nice things about her, please don't say anything about her."

I like this approach myself besides smacking her of course
Does your friend make these comments in front of your daughter or within earshot?

 

[Athaliamum]

I would suggest against waiting for her to say these things again and then have a cutting reply ready (cause that's kinda of nasty) and will do nothing to help the relationship. I doubt that your friend is being intentionally malicious but is simply choosing poor words with poor ways to phrase them.

Instead I would suggest you set aside a specific time to meet and talk to her about it. This way you are out of the situation that causes the tension and can talk about it as respectful adults rather than in an emotional knee-jerk reaction. The knee-jerk reaction may feel better at the time (a little bit like verbal vengeance) but is ultimately destructive. This is after all your best friend and daughter's godmother - treat her with love. Be honest, be calm and be edifying. If she is any type of friend, if you approach her in this manner, I am sure she will be quite upset that she has upset you and most probably has been completely ignorant how hurtful these comments have been.

 

[katelyn]

Heh, your daughter sounds kinda like me when I was that age.

What comes to mind for me is that *all* personality types have their negative quirks and need to be directed in a positive manner. It doesn't mean that she has a "problem" or something "wrong with her." Is there any way you could gently point that out to your friend, and mention that while you may be open to advice, her wording is hurtful to you?

 

[Robinsegg]

I agree that you need time to sit down with your friend.

I would consider saying something like: "It seems like you're concerned that my daughter is different from other kids her age. I want you to know that we believe that God made her who she is and we *want* her to be comfortable making her own choices in these matters. This sort of difference in her will make it easier for her to stand for her faith in the face of opposition as she gets older, because she's not looking to be "just like everyone else". Please take this into consideration when thinking her differences are problems."

This sort of approach will let your friend know *exactly* where you're coming from, that you hear her concern and are open to hearing her concerns, but you'd like her to filter her concerns through your parenting choices.

Rachel

 

[hisbloodformysins]

My best friend...who is also my daughter's godmother...often says things about my daughter that, frankly, make me want to slap her (i don't of course).

She often starts statements with "her problem is..." or "what is wrong with her is..."

my daughter is different, definately. she likes drawing and reading over playing outside, she is shy around new kids, she's very mature for being seven, enjoys watching Rachel Ray and the discovery channel over Hannah Montana and I love all these things about her. She is well behaved and doesn't get into much trouble, ever, has great manners. She has some negative attributes, of course, but every time something about her that is not like "most" children comes up, my best friend has to dog on it.

I don't know how to handle it, what would you say or do to diffuse these comments, without being rude or hurtful?

Your daughter sounds like me as a child.

You can say "well, I don't think that my child's behavior is a problem, I don't think that she has to be like other children.... she is fine the way she is and she is normal"... you could counteract her statements with your own beliefs.... try not to agree with her simply to keep the peace.

Or you could say "well, you say 'the problem with her is' but I really don't think that she has a 'problem' ". In that way you are communicating your dissatsifaction with her choice of words and maybe she'll become aware that she is using those words.. Some people say "you're problem is" out of habit without realizing they are really saying it.

HB

 

[Neenie1]

Your daughter sounds a lot like my son. (he is 7 next month) He is not big on sports, and prefers reading over active rough games.

Does she say these comments while your daughter is around? If so I wouldn't tolerate it. I would be just pointing out that all children are different, and it's just that she has interests and talents that are different and unique. If you daughter has heard these negative comments I would be working on building up her confidence as much as possible.

 

[peace in the vally]

I Would Explain To Her That Children Are All Differant And Unique We Can't Just Put Them In A "box" And Expect Every Child To Act Like The Other. God Created Her That Way Just As He Created Every Child In The Way That They Are.