Handling Singleness

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I am 55 and single (divorced). I am not dating. I have lots of opportunities to date as I am told I'm good looking, fit, smart, interesting, etc. However I have refrained from dating for the following reasons:

• While it's ok to have opposite sex friends dating to me is means to finding someone to marry.
• Growing up in an emotional abusive situation with an alcoholic parent I now suffer from Attachment Disorder, PTSD, and Social Anxiety. I can enjoy company but sparingly. The rest of the time I prefer to be alone and in fact don't relax well around others. So home for me is the place I can go to be 100% alone and relax. The thought of sharing my home with another person is not a welcome one. I would lose that peace of coming home to silence. So how could I marry as that would of course lead to living together.
• Due to my Attachment Disorder I can't form close emotional bonds which a marriage would require. I also find physical intimacy awkward and not very meaningful. I would say I have a very narrow range of emotions. Emotional Neutral is what I term it. So add it all up and physical intimacy will never be a bonding experience for me or knock my socks off.
• I don't really meet women to date anyhow. Like many with Attachment Disorder I don't like groups. I just am not comfortable in them. I've tried small groups at church and find I can get physically ill before attending and ready to bolt the moment the meeting ends to avoid the social time that follows. I am out the back door of the church the moment the service ends. So I will never meet anyone at church. I also don't get out much, don't participate in other types of groups, etc. So I'm invisible.
• I am also extremely passive. Women typically want strong, self-confident men who can lead (co-lead perhaps but can be a leader). That is not me. I am not a follower. I am just independent. I hate leading. I hate having to "make the first move" and so on.
• I cannot handle conflict. That's the PTSD. Stress is a major problem for me and relationships tend to have conflict.

So it would seem obvious I just shouldn't date. The problem is I am still VERY attracted to women and still have a libido. Yet for all the reasons above dating would never lead to anything and in fact most women bolt pretty quickly if they sense you are not in it for a relationship. Libido-wise well not being married (and probably never will be again) partner relations is not an option. So all that leaves is solo which is not ideal but I don't have the gift of celibacy.

I do believe God can do anything but despite years of counseling, prayer, treatment, meds, etc, nothing has changed. It is frustrating to have women want to date you (not knowing all of the above) and being attracted to them but feeling it is a lost cause so better to not start down that path. I just pray God gives me the grace to truly be content single.

 

[Mary7]

I can enjoy company but sparingly. The rest of the time I prefer to be alone and in fact don't relax well around others. So home for me is the place I can go to be 100% alone and relax. The thought of sharing my home with another person is not a welcome one. I would lose that peace of coming home to silence. So how could I marry as that would of course lead to living together.

That part sounds like me and some others I know. I did not use to be like that though so I think this has come from living alone for many years since a divorce. I love living alone but.. I do not like being 'emotionally alone', I still need people.

My daughter has had to move in with me due to her disabilities and it has been an extremely hard adjustment for me but I am slowly adjusting just like Frazier (tv) when his dad moved in. I miss my silence! "Routine is the opiate of old age".

I think you are right about women wanting a man who can commit but not all women are seeking marriage. I don't want to marry but as a Christian, I could not live or be in a physical relationship so yes, that is a problem. I would like a 'best friend' but he would have to go home at night lol. It has been my experience that Southern men are looking for someone to take care of them and bring them sweet tea.
I have no answers for you.. just expressing that I understand.

 

[William67]

It has been my experience that Southern men are looking for someone to take care of them and bring them sweet tea.

I have the opposite experience. My mother's health went downhill and she has lived with me for 20 years. I put in 50+ hours a week at a business I own. I relocated my business so that it is within 500' of my home. I also run a farm, which almost doubles the amount of time I work. On top of that:

I do all the cooking and cleaning.
I make sure my mother takes her meds and I take her to her doctor's appointments.
I help my siblings whenever they need me, that includes taking care of their children.
I am active in a number of groups and organizations, including historic preservation, the local CoC, and local charities.

I take care of myself and everyone else. I don't need someone to take care of me and it would feel "strange" to have someone who wanted to do that. I'm also as Southern as they come. I can brew and get my own sweet tea, thanks. I'm also a better cook than...well, any woman I know.

 

[Mary7]

I have the opposite experience. My mother's health went downhill and she has lived with me for 20 years. I put in 50+ hours a week at a business I own. I relocated my business so that it is within 500' of my home. I also run a farm, which almost doubles the amount of time I work. On top of that:

I do all the cooking and cleaning.
I make sure my mother takes her meds and I take her to her doctor's appointments.
I help my siblings whenever they need me, that includes taking care of their children.
I am active in a number of groups and organizations, including historic preservation, the local CoC, and local charities.

I take care of myself and everyone else. I don't need someone to take care of me and it would feel "strange" to have someone who wanted to do that. I'm also as Southern as they come. I can brew and get my own sweet tea, thanks. I'm also a better cook than...well, any woman I know.

I was referring to men looking for relationships.. not men caring for their mothers (which is commendable).
I raised my son to be able to cook and clean for himself and to help a wife one day. I have friends and relatives here in the South who have husbands who have never turned on a washer/dryer/dishwasher/vacuum. One broke her foot and her husband had no clue how to run the washer so they sent all the laundry out and hired someone to clean the house and ate takeout for weeks.
I have met too many men that think it is their right to be waited on hand and foot as southern women of my generation have always done. Hopefully the younger ones no longer do that.

 

[William67]

I was referring to men looking for relationships.. not men caring for their mothers (which is commendable).
I raised my son to be able to cook and clean for himself and to help a wife one day. I have friends and relatives here in the South who have husbands who have never turned on a washer/dryer/dishwasher/vacuum. One broke her foot and her husband had no clue how to run the washer so they sent all the laundry out and hired someone to clean the house and ate takeout for weeks.
I have met too many men that think it is their right to be waited on hand and foot as southern women of my generation have always done. Hopefully the younger ones no longer do that.

But I am a man looking for a relationship. I want to get married and have a wife. I want children.

But, the point I was making is that I don't need a woman to take care of me. I'm not looking for that. Quite the opposite, in fact. I'm looking to take care of a wife and family, just as the Bible instructs.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I have the opposite experience. My mother's health went downhill and she has lived with me for 20 years. I put in 50+ hours a week at a business I own. I relocated my business so that it is within 500' of my home. I also run a farm, which almost doubles the amount of time I work. On top of that:

I do all the cooking and cleaning.
I make sure my mother takes her meds and I take her to her doctor's appointments.
I help my siblings whenever they need me, that includes taking care of their children.
I am active in a number of groups and organizations, including historic preservation, the local CoC, and local charities.

I take care of myself and everyone else. I don't need someone to take care of me and it would feel "strange" to have someone who wanted to do that. I'm also as Southern as they come. I can brew and get my own sweet tea, thanks. I'm also a better cook than...well, any woman I know.

I have run into women who are willing to shop, do laundry, cook, clean, etc, even though I have no problem doing those things for myself. When things don't work out they are stumped. They feel they offered me everything a man could want from a woman so why was I not interested? The problem wasn't with all they did. I greatly appreciated it but those things were not important to me. They did nothing wrong. I just didn't want that much company. That is hard for most to understand. They feel there must be something wrong with them. They are not pretty enough or sexy enough or do enough or ... Even swearing to them it's none of those things they can't help but still think it is and become convinced I've met someone else. In the end there is nothing I can do to convince them so I just move on letting them believe what they will.

 

[blackribbon]

I miss having someone here making noise and just sitting next to me on the couch...or being in the next room. I have kids but their noise and presence is different. I often sleep with the tv on just so that I don't have to hear the silence echo. I didn't used to even allow a tv in the bedroom. sigh.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I miss having someone here making noise and just sitting next to me on the couch...or being in the next room. I have kids but their noise and presence is different. I often sleep with the tv on just so that I don't have to hear the silence echo. I didn't used to even allow a tv in the bedroom. sigh.

Sorry. I am the opposite. I love the silence and having the couch all to myself. I just don't relax the same with someone else in the house.

 

[dayhiker]

I've been building the life I want for a while now. About half the time I'm alone in my house. As William said, I can do the cleaning, cooking, laundry and paying the bills. I also do all the upgrades in my house, tho often they take a while for me to get them done. I have a lot of friends these days, sometimes its starting to feel like too many to keep up with. But I love meeting new people so I keep going out in public and having long conversations with people. Last Sat. it was Ben. We talked about how we keep healthy for almost an hour. Then this week I get a long email from my friend Doug. I say a GF at a party also Sat. night. I saw one lady 3 times this week, twice to help her with things around her house, leaves and things and then she took me out to dinner last night to thank me that she didn't have to pay hundreds to pay someone to do fall cleanup. Each time we took time to talk about our life and things we are interested in.
So I'm finding being single gives me more love than I've ever felt in my life. Also feel I'm loving others in a way that is meaningful to them.

So next week I'm off on a singles cruise out of Miami. Will be meeting many more people. Only know Gary from once being room mates on a cruise 2.5 yrs ago.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

The thing is I am not comfortable in a physical relationship. I am very attracted to women and women only but being close physically is too much for me. I don't like getting that close. When I have it has not done anything for me. I know a lack of affection as a child has left me this way. I just don't enjoy touch like other people do. So even if I enjoyed the company what kind of marriage would it be with little or no affection?

 

[dayhiker]

NotUrAvgGuy,
To me the thing to do is put that in your profile, you want a woman who isn't into physical intimacy. They are out there. So find someone you can be good friends with, that you live with, travel with, work on projects together with ... what ever the two of you want.
If how ever you want to learn how to enjoy physical intimacy, there are ways to learn that stuff. Tho the techniques probably don't work for everyone.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Good advice except for one thing. I don't want to live with someone. I would rather live alone but perhaps close to them.

 

[dayhiker]

Ahhh, so that degree of separation. I'm single and at my age have no plans to marry again. I do live by myself unless an out of state GF is visiting.
Also being a introvert, the time alone to recover from times of being around a lot of people, or someone who is very outgoing and intense is important to me.
So I indever to have the place where I can be alone as well. I've not found that to be a hinderence to some very good relationships.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Ahhh, so that degree of separation. I'm single and at my age have no plans to marry again. I do live by myself unless an out of state GF is visiting.
Also being a introvert, the time alone to recover from times of being around a lot of people, or someone who is very outgoing and intense is important to me.
So I indever to have the place where I can be alone as well. I've not found that to be a hinderence to some very good relationships.

What we want is hard to find. I'm on a dating site but my profile begins with the words "Looking for some new friends" and nowhere indicates a desire for a full blown relationship. Yet I still hear from women and I read their profiles and they are dripping with their desire for finding their soulmate, romance, spending the rest of their life with that special guy, etc. That's all wonderful but they must not be reading my profile or they would know that is now what I am looking for.

Introverts recharge by having time alone. That is essential to us. Some introverts can be in a relationship and have a spouse that gives them that alone time when they need it. That might be as simple as being in a different room and not interacting with them during their alone time. Or it might be letting them go off and do something alone. For me though I love being home alone having the house all to myself. Just knowing someone else is in the house takes away from that total relaxation. Plus there are times I just want to be quiet and not have to talk. That is hard on relationships. I can go an entire weekend and not talk to another person. That would never work in a relationship.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

NotUrAvgGuy,
To me the thing to do is put that in your profile, you want a woman who isn't into physical intimacy. They are out there. So find someone you can be good friends with, that you live with, travel with, work on projects together with ... what ever the two of you want.
If how ever you want to learn how to enjoy physical intimacy, there are ways to learn that stuff. Tho the techniques probably don't work for everyone.

I have been seeing a Christian counselor for 2 years now who has training in physical intimacy issues. Nothing has worked for me plus how can you really work on that unless you are married and have a spouse? Theory is fine but at some point you need to work on it with your partner. As a Christian I don't believe in sex outside of marriage so that creates a problem. Why would any woman want to marry me not knowing if physical intimacy would happen (or be enjoyable)? Yes I could potentially find someone who is not into it but that just narrows the already narrow field all the more. Plus I still have a libido. It's not that I don't want sexual release. I just don't enjoy being with someone to get it.

 

[dayhiker]

Ah, NotUrAvgGuy, that changes my understanding of where you are and what your looking for.
I agree with you that you need a woman to work on the issue with. Talk therapy only goes so far. I'm glad you are working with a Christian councillor, I pray that is profitable.

I separate sex and intimacy. If I were in your situation I'd look for a lady who wouldn't mind working with my to hug, cuddle and eye gazing.
I have actually done that with a woman who was very fearful of being intimate. Over a couple of years she made a lot of progress. Neither of us wanted to get married.
So I think there might be ways to make more progress if you can separate intimacy and sex. If not I'm not sure what your next step might be.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Ah, NotUrAvgGuy, that changes my understanding of where you are and what your looking for.
I agree with you that you need a woman to work on the issue with. Talk therapy only goes so far. I'm glad you are working with a Christian councillor, I pray that is profitable.

I separate sex and intimacy. If I were in your situation I'd look for a lady who wouldn't mind working with my to hug, cuddle and eye gazing.
I have actually done that with a woman who was very fearful of being intimate. Over a couple of years she made a lot of progress. Neither of us wanted to get married.
So I think there might be ways to make more progress if you can separate intimacy and sex. If not I'm not sure what your next step might be.

While I don't initiate it much I am find with holding hands, cuddling, etc. It's the actual act of sex that bothers me. That is too much intimacy. Anything short of that is fine although I will admit that kissing for more than a minute or two bores me.

 

[dayhiker]

OK ... so you can be quite a bit more intimate then I understood from your earlier posts. That seems healthy to me.

I'm not familiar with your Attachment Disorder(AD). So if you were to hang around a lady and she showed some interest in you, you held hands and hugged would you like her? Would you want to see her again? How does the AD manifest itself in that situation?

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

OK ... so you can be quite a bit more intimate then I understood from your earlier posts. That seems healthy to me.

I'm not familiar with your Attachment Disorder(AD). So if you were to hang around a lady and she showed some interest in you, you held hands and hugged would you like her? Would you want to see her again? How does the AD manifest itself in that situation?

First while I have no problems holding hands and such I would be a little reluctant to do so as I would not want to encourage that. I am always afraid of leading someone on and if I start holding hands I feel like that is going a step beyond friendship. Yes friends can hold hands but male/female friends don't do it often.

Since I suffer from multiple things it's hard to say where one leaves off and the other begins but even if I really like someone I don't like there being expectations. I don't want them to begin to expect a certain level of contact with me because we are now holding hands or because we are getting along so well. I might be fine seeing them once a week forever. I may never want more than that. In the past what often has happened is that things to progress a bit. We start seeing each other more and they get more attached to me and then suddenly I hit a wall and feel like it's gone too far and the only way I can see to go is to push them away. At that point I know they want more and I'm already past my comfort point. Asking them to backup is not fair to them and to go forward is not possible for me.

The reason this pains me so is that I do have normal attraction to women but I don't like getting too emotionally or physically intimate. It's almost like I want them all to myself but I don't want to get close. With my last gf she was wonderful. She was super sweet, loving, affectionate, understanding, a real servant, etc. I had never gone out with someone that loving. What I found though is that much of what she did for me while appreciated did not really add to my happiness. Her gestures meant little to me. I recognized them mentally and always showed appreciation but inwardly they did nothing for me. When we kissed we might as well been brushing our heels together. While my lips are more sensitive than my heels it still didn't feel especially good and there was no emotion behind my kisses. I felt nothing. That is why kissing always bores me. It's nice for a few kisses then it is boring. That's what happens when you don't have feelings. Things that should excite you or touch you do nothing for you. The other party soon feels that lack of emotion behind your actions. They realize you are just going through the motions. It's not that I am stiff when hugged or stiff when holding hands but there is not much emotion behind it. That I think is the AD. When married and had sex it was like kissing. I did not find it that pleasurable. I did not get very aroused. I felt like it was an out of body experience. Here was this passionate (in some cases) women involved in what to her was a very loving act and I was feeling nothing. No passion, no love, no bonding, etc. It was like we were in two different worlds. Eventually they pick up on my lack of feelings and then it becomes empty for them. However that was not often the case. I actually married a woman who hated sex. Her only use for it was to get pregnant. She was not affectionate. So while that made it easier for me I still had no strong feelings for her or a desire to spend time with her. A lot of that was her but I now realize that even if she had been a different person I still would have hit my wall and backed off.

Now, being single, I fear getting married again because I don't want to get married then hit that wall and now what? Divorce? Live miserably? At least single I won't hurt another person.

 

[dayhiker]

Well, I read and understand what your saying ... but can't relate to not feeling or connecting to someone.

I feel a lot of good feelings even from kissing and want her to as well. Just because I kissed her doesn't mean tomorrow I'll want to be her steady BF.

Have you verbalized what you just wrote to a woman you have meet to see how she reacts to it?

What does the psychologist say about the ability of someone with AD to be able to turn that around and start to attach again?