Handling Singleness

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Well, I read and understand what your saying ... but can't relate to not feeling or connecting to someone.

I feel a lot of good feelings even from kissing and want her to as well. Just because I kissed her doesn't mean tomorrow I'll want to be her steady BF.

Have you verbalized what you just wrote to a woman you have meet to see how she reacts to it?

What does the psychologist say about the ability of someone with AD to be able to turn that around and start to attach again?

I have shared this with a few women. Their first reaction is often to want to help but suggesting things that just don't work for me. Others just drop me like a hot potato. They don't want to deal with someone with issues. Most women I meet want a relationship. They want to find someone to spend the rest of their life with. Someone to share life with and have a deep relationship with. I feel obligated to be up front with them that I am only looking for friends. Once they hear that they wish me luck and are gone. I am on Match.com and my profile clearly says I am looking for friends only but daily get contacted by women who want to meet but it's clear from their profiles they want a relationship. So I assume the either did not read my profile or read it but think I just mean I want to start out as friends and go from there. So I have to write them an explain. That is the kiss of death. They read that and wish me luck and that's that.

It is possible to overcome AD from what I've read but a key (as it always is) is wanting to change. A big issue I face is that I have been this way my whole life. I feel so indifferent most of the time that I don't long for anything different nor believe it possible. It's hard to miss what you never had. Plus I suffer from multiple things so overcoming AD would only solve one problem still leaving several others. I might be more motivated if I only had one issue to overcome.

AD stems from childhood and a failure to connect to your primary care giver - usually your mother. As an infant you did not bond usually due to some issue with the mother (mine was an alcoholic). This happens during your formative years. If it's goes untreated for years and years then it affects all your relationships. You've never learned to bond and it is foreign to you. It makes you uncomfortable and you tend to avoid intimate situations. I am 55 years old and have been this way since I was a child. That is a lot of years. I think the success rate is a lot higher when AD children get help.

 

[dayhiker]

Yes, it makes sense that they would have better luck with young children. Personality and everything about being a human is less fixed so able to be changed when young. I do think we still change when we are older, but its at a slower rate unless there is some catastrophic event in our life.

Do you look people in the eyes when you talk with them?

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Yes, it makes sense that they would have better luck with young children. Personality and everything about being a human is less fixed so able to be changed when young. I do think we still change when we are older, but its at a slower rate unless there is some catastrophic event in our life.

Do you look people in the eyes when you talk with them?

Yes I do. Actually my social skills are very good. You would never know I have these other issues. They manifest themselves in my inability to attach, my low desire for social contact, etc. Most people would never guess I have these issues. I have no trouble attracting women but even if they approach me I think they pick up on my lack of interest in wanting more. I can be funny, engaging, etc, but at no point do I ask for their number or give them mine. Eventually the conversation winds down and I say thanks and move on. I don't want the complications of arranging a further meeting.

 

[dayhiker]

Interesting stuff.
An other question came to mind reading ... with the limited attachment to others, do you have any feeling that this has given your mind more energy to think about other things?

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Interesting stuff.
An other question came to mind reading ... with the limited attachment to others, do you have any feeling that this has given your mind more energy to think about other things?

I am someone with a lot of interests and never bored. I tend to do a lot and don't relax much. It does give me a lot of time to think. I probably do more with my off time then most people. However I also overthink and over analyse which includes thinking about my situation. I guess because I feel so different from most people and constantly have to explain to people why I don't date. A lot of people think I must be beating off women with a stick when in fact I rarely even talk to women. Plus I am a classic introvert. I like time alone. I don't want to talk a lot. I love to type and write and prefer that to talking. Talking takes more energy and has to be done with another person present whereas writing can be done when you want.

 

[dayhiker]

I can relate to the introvert and prefer to write emails and FB posts.
I do love spendings time with ladies and my guy friends. So I'm very social these days, often on the weekends. But then I go home and have few days of quiet before I head off to be social again.