Hahaha :)

[J.A.I]

How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb? One, since his/her hands are in the air anyway.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a lightbulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Brethren does it take to change a light bulb? CHANGE?!!!

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb? 10, one to change it and 9 others to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb? None: Candles only.

How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? What's a light bulb?

How many Polygamous Mormons does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb, and two to knock on your door and ask you if you've seen the light!

How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb? We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

 

[J.A.I]

A leader in a Christian Science church was talking to a member of his congregation: "And how is your husband today?" "I'm afraid he's very ill." "No, no," corrected the leader, "You really shouldn't say that - you should say that he's under the impression that he's very ill ." The woman nods in agreement, "Yes, I'll remember next time." A few weeks later the leader saw the woman again. "And how is your husband at the moment?" "Well", she replied, "he's under the impression that he's dead!"

---

What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?.... Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.

---

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest. One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank." The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!" The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

 

[ChrisB]

How many evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb? Evangelicals do not change light bulbs - they try to persuade the light bulb to change itself.......

It's good to laugh at yourself sometimes, it forestalls self-righteousness - great thread JAI

 

[Gunny]

Humor is tonic for the soul.

 

[plum]

lol! such great jokes. I've gotta pull out a few of those

 

[Lady_Firehawk]

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What is the sound of one hand clapping?



A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because both had jobs they found it difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so it was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day.

Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. In his room there was a computer so he decided to send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left out one letter in e-mail address, and sent the e-mail, without realizing his error.

In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. The dearly departed was a parish deacon who had passed away following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

You're probably surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!

 

[Victorian Rose]

LOL! Great jokes!

 

[tulc]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the
Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed
Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of
1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
tulc(who loved this joke!)

 

[Paula]

A elderly woman finished making out her Christmas cards and took them to the Post Office to buy stamps and mail them out.

She showed her stack of cards to the clerk and declared, “I need stamps for all of these cards.

"Fine ma’am,” said the clerk, “how many, and what denomination of stamps would you like?"

"Oh, good Lord! Has it come to this?" said the woman.

"Well, give me 50 Catholic, 20 Presbyterian, 10 Episcopal, 10 Nazarene, and I guess I need to get at least 50 Baptist ones for the members of my own congregation."

=====================================

Church Marquee Signs:


"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1"
"Under same management for over 2000 years"

"Soul food served here"

"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"

"You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving"

"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"

"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church"

"We should be more concerned with the Rock Of Ages, instead of the age of rocks"

"Reputation is what people think about you. Character is what people know you are"

"Seven days without prayer makes one weak"

"No Jesus - no peace, Know Jesus - know peace!"

"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due"

"A man's character is like a fence. It cannot be strengthened by whitewash"

"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible"

"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees"

"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow"

"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday"

"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive"

"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings"

"Forbidden fruit creates many jams"

"Christians, keep the faith... But not from others!"

"Satan subtracts and divides. God multiplies and multiplies"

"If you do not want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's orchard"

"To belittle is to be little"

"God answers kneemail"

"If Jesus is your co-pilot - switch seats"

=================================================


A merry heart doth good like medicine,
But a broken spirit dries the bones.

Proverbs 17:22

 

[BarbB]

This company is owned by Jesus Christ - What a great boss!

God - "If you catch them, I will clean them"!

 

[Ceris]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Things you normally don't hear in church:
Hey! It's MY turn to sit on the front pew!

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

I've decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

Forget the denominational minimum salary: let's pay our pastor so s/he can live like we do.

I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

Since we're all here, let's start the worship service early!

Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Baptists, please don't take offense at this one)
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Denomination?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Denomination?"

"Lutheran."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Denomination?"

"Presbyterian."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pastor and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next, St. Peter led the pastor to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the pastor. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a pastor, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

 

[Ceris]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said.
"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:
"The big sissy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This one's a little more cute than funny, but...)
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those devil's deducted $95.00.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Not very funny, I really like the point this one makes)

This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.
The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.

When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.

St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(You might have heard this one)
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."

The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
The trooper says,"No, even more important."
The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
The trooper replies "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"

 

[Grace_Alone4gives]

The Baptists should get this one...........I liked it and I'm not even Baptist.

One day in school, the teacher told the class that they would be studiying world religons. She asked each student who belonged to any world religon, to bring something, an item, that symbolized their faith. The next day they would show the class their item and talk about which religon they belonged to.

The next day came and class began. The teacher saw that a few children brought in items and began to ask each child to tell the class what their item was, and which faith it represented.

Molly Muslim went first - she stood up and showed her classmates her Quaran. "This is a Quaran, it is our holy book."

Collin Catholic stood up and said "This is my Rosary, we use this in our prayers"

Jamie Jewish stood before the class "This is the star of David" he explained.

Amazed at all, she saw the teacher continued to ask each child to show their item that represented their faith. She was so proud of them...until she came to little Billy Baptist.

She looked at Billy Baptist as he excitedly held his item in his hand. She thought to herself, "he must have misunderstood the assignment - what on earth is he doing with a Crockpot???"

 

[carolbob]

These are awesome! It's nice to hear clean jokes that are actually funny!!! Thank you!

 

[J.A.I]

HAHAHA! Oh gosh, this thread is wonderful

 

[Gunny]

Note:If in any way this joke offends, I will gladly edit it with another joke.


[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS[/font]


The wife of a Southern Baptist preacher talks to her Sunday School class about a wonderful religious experience that she had last week:
"The other day I went up to the local Christian Book Store where I saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance at church, so I bought that bumper sticker and put it on the back bumper of my car. I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I did not notice that the light had changed. It's a good thing someone else loves Jesus or I may have never noticed that the light had changed. I found that lots of people love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy and then he leaned out his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD, Go! . . . . Go! Jesus Christ! Go!"
Everybody was honking. I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people and I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love. There must have been a man from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenager son in the back seat what this meant, he said that it was nothing, probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met a person from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst into laughter. Why, even he was enjoying the love of this religious experience.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their car and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but that is when I noticed that the light had changed so I waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters and drove through the intersection.
I was the only car that got across the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of bad that I had to leave them after all the love that we'd shared so I slowed the car down, leaned out of he window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such a wonderful experience. Honk if you love Jesus!"


Note:If in any way this joke offends, I will gladly edit it with another joke

In Christ
Gunny

 

[J.A.I]

Oh my gosh, that is hilarious in an ODD way! LOL

 

[ChrisB]

How many agnostics does it take to change a light bulb? None since they can't agree whether or not the light bulb exists or whether light is a good or bad thing............

 

[Liberius]

For how many Catholics does it take to change a bulb, you should say, "None, they'll ask Mary to."

 

[BarbB]

For how many Catholics does it take to change a bulb, you should say, "None, they'll ask Mary to."

Actually, I think I heard "None, candles only!"