Guilty for wanting new clothes

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

As a teenager, my mother still hates when I want to wear something that I’d like. She thinks I want to wear tube tops, etc. when in reality I just want to dress modestly. When I tell her that she says I should appreciate how I look. And continues to make me wear what she thinks is right.
I feel ashamed of it. And I was thinking of getting a few clothes, not for a ton of money. I don’t understand. I am definitely old enough to decide what to wear but I feel my family looks down on me for it.
And I also am guilty of wanting to buy something new, for maybe I’m offending God. I don’t want to show off, or buy expensive items, just something... presentable. Please help!

 

[GospelS]

I don't see any reason to feel guilty for wanting to buy something new. Also, we don't have to buy everything that we want. Some self-control is good. If you have enough clothes then it's good not to buy more and more of that and use that money for some other better purposes where there is a need. Just don't buy too much stuff and gather up for yourselves. If you suffer from excessive wanting and lack of self-control over it, then pray asking God to give you the right attitude and to give you the wisdom to only buy that which He wants for you so you learn to make proper use of your money as well as the stuff that you buy. Thank God if you are even able to buy or able to exercise self-control.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I don't see any reason to feel guilty for wanting to buy something new. Also, we don't have to buy everything that we want. Some self-control is good. If you have enough clothes then it's good not to buy more and more of that and use that money for some other better purposes where there is a need. Just don't buy too much stuff and gather up for yourselves. If you suffer from excessive wanting and lack of self-control over it, then pray asking God to give you the right attitude and to give you the wisdom to only buy that which He wants for you so you learn to make proper use of your money as well as the stuff that you buy. Thank God if you are even able to buy or able to exercise self-control.

Yes I do have self control, but I’m always afraid of coveting. I just want a few things, that can be worn a lot and yet modest. Thanks for the post

 

[GospelS]

Yes I do have self control, but I’m always afraid of coveting. I just want a few things, that can be worn a lot and yet modest. Thanks for the post

Take your fear before God in prayer and be honest and trust Him to help you. That's what we can do and God wants us to do. He wants to take care of it for you. You don't have to be so burdened of such guilt. Ask Him to remove anything from you that is not pleasing to Him and to repair your thinking. He will cast away all your fears and worries and will give you joy and peace about it. It's His work to remove your pains and sins. Your work is to bring all of you to God and be willing to be reshaped by Him.

 

[crossnote]

As a teenager, my mother still hates when I want to wear something that I’d like. She thinks I want to wear tube tops, etc. when in reality I just want to dress modestly. When I tell her that she says I should appreciate how I look. And continues to make me wear what she thinks is right.
I feel ashamed of it. And I was thinking of getting a few clothes, not for a ton of money. I don’t understand. I am definitely old enough to decide what to wear but I feel my family looks down on me for it.
And I also am guilty of wanting to buy something new, for maybe I’m offending God. I don’t want to show off, or buy expensive items, just something... presentable. Please help!

Who is flipping the bill?

 

[bèlla]

Some parents are more hands-on than others. You can address the topic respectfully and shop together to see if she’s willing to accept your input.

I recall a period when my daughter didn’t want to wear dresses. It was during adolescence. But she encountered a look she liked and I agreed. It was different from her preppy style. That was fine.

During her teens we shopped together. But there were occasions when she shopped alone. If it wasn’t suitable she took it back. I knew her style. I didn’t try to define it as she matured.

~Bella

 

[Junia]

I can understand the fear of being covetous. I sometimes am not sure whether I am being so or not if I want something new. In my case though, I have a form of OCD called Scrupulosity, and although the man hallmark of that is obsessions over aspect of my faith, I have the classic tendancy to doubt myself then get worried and need to check am ok. so for me, I have to either rely on the word or hear from God myself to check. the latter is sometimes difficult because the OCD can get into my head to the extent that God's voice can get mingled up with it. This probably sounds weird, but that is why am careful to be sure am hearing right or just doubting myself? if that makes sense

I personally do not see anything wrong with new clothes if you need some. Clothes wear out. It is also possible youa re hearing your mum's voice and taking it as God's? eg when you think God is convicting you on this issue, maybe it your mum's convictions? we do model our concept of God on how our parents or other authority figures dealt with us growing up, so if your mum was strict with clothes and buying new things, maybe that is what you are feeling and thinking it is God?

i had a strict legalistic father. new clothes were not an issue with him but he had many rules on what was OK for christians or not and when i got saved aged 24 I still used to wonder whether i was hearing God n my mind when a thought of convicrion came or my dad! for example he believed that psychiatry was a sin and psychotherapy a form of secualr humanism, therefore christians should nto be involved in mental health services. so to this day i feel some guilt over whether i should be involved. Even though i have a fantastic therapist wo also happens to be a christian, although he uses proper trauma therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy skils with it, he has also taught me a lot about having a concept of God as a loving father, not the strict abusive bio dad I had who made me believe God hated me and wanted to punish me, belittle me or ignore me constantly. i am comign to the conclusion that my dad's opinion of therapy is not a "faith " issue at all but simply an opinion that was popular in churches in his day and that God really isn't fussed about me having it, as long as i continue to seek Him for healing and am open to Him using any other way if neccessary. I am quick to ensure what therapist says is not ever contradicting the Word, because even born gain Christians can get things wrong.

i dont know if this helps at all or if it is a rambling scree of nothing, but here are my 2 cents anyway.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I can understand the fear of being covetous. I sometimes am not sure whether I am being so or not if I want something new. In my case though, I have a form of OCD called Scrupulosity, and although the man hallmark of that is obsessions over aspect of my faith, I have the classic tendancy to doubt myself then get worried and need to check am ok. so for me, I have to either rely on the word or hear from God myself to check. the latter is sometimes difficult because the OCD can get into my head to the extent that God's voice can get mingled up with it. This probably sounds weird, but that is why am careful to be sure am hearing right or just doubting myself? if that makes sense

I personally do not see anything wrong with new clothes if you need some. Clothes wear out. It is also possible youa re hearing your mum's voice and taking it as God's? eg when you think God is convicting you on this issue, maybe it your mum's convictions? we do model our concept of God on how our parents or other authority figures dealt with us growing up, so if your mum was strict with clothes and buying new things, maybe that is what you are feeling and thinking it is God?

i had a strict legalistic father. new clothes were not an issue with him but he had many rules on what was OK for christians or not and when i got saved aged 24 I still used to wonder whether i was hearing God n my mind when a thought of convicrion came or my dad! for example he believed that psychiatry was a sin and psychotherapy a form of secualr humanism, therefore christians should nto be involved in mental health services. so to this day i feel some guilt over whether i should be involved. Even though i have a fantastic therapist wo also happens to be a christian, although he uses proper trauma therapy and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy skils with it, he has also taught me a lot about having a concept of God as a loving father, not the strict abusive bio dad I had who made me believe God hated me and wanted to punish me, belittle me or ignore me constantly. i am comign to the conclusion that my dad's opinion of therapy is not a "faith " issue at all but simply an opinion that was popular in churches in his day and that God really isn't fussed about me having it, as long as i continue to seek Him for healing and am open to Him using any other way if neccessary. I am quick to ensure what therapist says is not ever contradicting the Word, because even born gain Christians can get things wrong.

i dont know if this helps at all or if it is a rambling scree of nothing, but here are my 2 cents anyway.

Thank you! I’m feeling better now about it. Also I’m pretty sure I have got a type of OCD.

 

[Junia]

Thank you! I’m feeling better now about it. Also I’m pretty sure I have got a type of OCD.

you will never regret seeking help. you deserve to be at peace.

 

[John42]

As a teenager, my mother still hates when I want to wear something that I’d like. She thinks I want to wear tube tops, etc. when in reality I just want to dress modestly. When I tell her that she says I should appreciate how I look. And continues to make me wear what she thinks is right.
I feel ashamed of it. And I was thinking of getting a few clothes, not for a ton of money. I don’t understand. I am definitely old enough to decide what to wear but I feel my family looks down on me for it.
And I also am guilty of wanting to buy something new, for maybe I’m offending God. I don’t want to show off, or buy expensive items, just something... presentable. Please help!

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for being yourself. Yes, you should buy new clothes. You’re probably better looking than your parents so they’re insecure instead of proud of you like they should be.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Yes I do have self control, but I’m always afraid of coveting. I just want a few things, that can be worn a lot and yet modest. Thanks for the post

My daughter would be nearing 30 today, but I remember when she wanted to wear more fashionable clothing.

I finally gave in and went shopping (as a gift) and picked out a bunch of clothing I thought was gaudy, and made up 3 or 4 outfits, I can't remember exactly now, but a few, and she was happier than I remember her ever being.. she just loved everything. lol.

That is the generational problem between teenage girls and their mothers... if a mom thinks it's ugly her daughter will think it's "to die for"...

Mom's have a hard time letting go and giving up the reigns on clothing - for real. It's probably the most difficult change for a mom I think.. that was harder for me than my daughter leaving home, because it was a reminder her childhood was almost gone.

I don't have any good advice for you, other than keep bringing it up that you want to pick out a couple outfits yourself until she finally gives in, or wait until you have your own job/money and buy it yourself.

It's not selfish and it's not a sin, it's a perfectly normal part of growing up, and moms need more time sometimes..

 

[WDSobieski]

Once in a while I feel very guilty not only for buying new clothes, but also my privileges in general. Sometimes I feel myself very bad being an able-bodied person from a comfortably middle class family in a wealthy country, speaking multiple languages, finishing college and have lived abroad sometime in my life. I'm also from a very sheltered upbringing which most of my clothes were chosen from my family until 19-20, and after college I started smuggling clothes from the student fair back home. Also my life moving away from my parents have opened to some more creative fashion styles (I love boho, j-fashion and goth styles), yet they're mainly reserved to socialising with friends or going to Frankfurt (the nearest large city) once in a while. At church and lessons I tend to dress more modestly/ formally according to the setting, like avoiding metal band shirts, things which provoke esoteric/pagan/New Age imagery and too revealing clothes.

I don't think one should be guilty about buying new clothes, firstly clothes does not fully define a person and secondly, it's a blessing showing you've from a more comfortable condition which you can afford these luxuries (according to many). One might not realise that, but many of us here could qualify as the top 1% globally and why not come across this with gratitude?

 

[F.E.A.R.]

Wait, what? I'm guessing you're in your twenties like me. Look I don't know how you're on terms with your mother, but me and my parents were never connected, and the story goes deeper what happened throughout my childhood and recently. You should try to explain to your mother that you're not a kid anymore. This is a problem in a lot of families, I was in the same boat (about clothing but a lot of worse stuff happened). Parents act like little kids and they can't accept the fact that their kids have grown up, that they're becoming adults. Still telling them what to do, because they "know" what's best for them, because they think they "love" them. This isn't love, this is sick. They can't accept their separation from their child.

You know what's right for you, not your mother. You're not a 3 year old kid that doesn't know how to hold a spoon. I understand that makes you uncomfortable and ashamed like you said, this is why you should tell her to stop. You shouldn't feel ashamed to buy new stuff, and certainly you're not offending God. Even if it's expensive, you shouldn't feel ashamed (it's capitalizam, so depending on the brand, the more expensive it is, the better). You should talk to your priest and try to sort this out. But if you ask me what worked for me, it was only rebellion. And you should try looking a way to move out from your parents house (that's what I'm currently doing, but it's harder here unlike in the US). This will give you the freedom what to do and focus on God.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

Wait, what? I'm guessing you're in your twenties like me. Look I don't know how you're on terms with your mother, but me and my parents were never connected, and the story goes deeper what happened throughout my childhood and recently. You should try to explain to your mother that you're not a kid anymore. This is a problem in a lot of families, I was in the same boat (about clothing but a lot of worse stuff happened). Parents act like little kids and they can't accept the fact that their kids have grown up, that they're becoming adults. Still telling them what to do, because they "know" what's best for them, because they think they "love" them. This isn't love, this is sick. They can't accept their separation from their child.

You know what's right for you, not your mother. You're not a 3 year old kid that doesn't know how to hold a spoon. I understand that makes you uncomfortable and ashamed like you said, this is why you should tell her to stop. You shouldn't feel ashamed to buy new stuff, and certainly you're not offending God. Even if it's expensive, you shouldn't feel ashamed (it's capitalizam, so depending on the brand, the more expensive it is, the better). You should talk to your priest and try to sort this out. But if you ask me what worked for me, it was only rebellion. And you should try looking a way to move out from your parents house (that's what I'm currently doing, but it's harder here unlike in the US). This will give you the freedom what to do and focus on God.

Thanks, yes we have a similar situation, and being short doesn’t help the matters any.
I love my parents and Pray for them always and do have a pretty good relationship generally although in some areas they do not see me as a person.

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

One might not realise that, but many of us here could qualify as the top 1% globally and why not come across this with gratitude?

Brains brawn and beauty vying for the spotlight wake me up when it’s all over not planning on going solo Boring boring understated ... this is a Christian site! Not a place for racing to the finish line of carnality

 

[F.E.A.R.]

Thanks, yes we have a similar situation, and being short doesn’t help the matters any.
I love my parents and Pray for them always and do have a pretty good relationship generally although in some areas they do not see me as a person.

I'm glad that you're in a good relationship with your parents and that you love them, but they have to understand that you're not a kid anymore, it's not that they don't see you as a person in some areas, they don't see you as an adult and don't respect you, because they still think that you're a kid and that's a big problem from their side. I don't want to disturb you or anything, but those that don't let their kids do what they want, bring God's wrath upon them, and it won't be beautiful in the end. I don't know if you've read Elder Paisios, but in his life experience, there came a woman to him IDK she was between 50-60, her son was between 20-30 years old, and she was complaining to him that her son doesn't want to listen to her, doesn't want to study what she told him, she said to the Elder that she wanted her son to do what she said, the way she wanted. But the Elder warned her and explained to her that she must stop doing this. When she died the Elder heard her from the grave (I think it was her calling), she was in a state of torment, the Elder prayed for her, she was later eased from her torment. I'm telling this from what memory serves, but my main point is that, parents shouldn't program their kids the way they want them to be, obviously it's a duty a parent to teach their kids, to raise them in the Orthodox faith, on morals, ethics etc. It's not how your parents want, but as God wills. You should keep this in mind in the future when you're gonna become a mom.

 

[SeekingGloryOnThisJourney]

I'm glad that you're in a good relationship with your parents and that you love them, but they have to understand that you're not a kid anymore, it's not that they don't see you as a person in some areas, they don't see you as an adult and don't respect you, because they still think that you're a kid and that's a big problem from their side. I don't want to disturb you or anything, but those that don't let their kids do what they want, bring God's wrath upon them, and it won't be beautiful in the end. I don't know if you've read Elder Paisios, but in his life experience, there came a woman to him IDK she was between 50-60, her son was between 20-30 years old, and she was complaining to him that her son doesn't want to listen to her, doesn't want to study what she told him, she said to the Elder that she wanted her son to do what she said, the way she wanted. But the Elder warned her and explained to her that she must stop doing this. When she died the Elder heard her from the grave (I think it was her calling), she was in a state of torment, the Elder prayed for her, she was later eased from her torment. I'm telling this from what memory serves, but my main point is that, parents shouldn't program their kids the way they want them to be, obviously it's a duty a parent to teach their kids, to raise them in the Orthodox faith, on morals, ethics etc. It's not how your parents want, but as God wills. You should keep this in mind in the future when you're gonna become a mom.

Once again thanks, perhaps I’ll try to say when my birthday comes (in August) and I do desire to do some things that my parents did not do when I become a mother (if God wills) God Bless and once again thanks