Guilty as charged

[Brandlynn]

I will admit, I cut. But I just don't know how to stop. I have tried to quit cold turkey, but I can't. For me, I feel as if I deserve what I get, and also, I just feel like it is a release for the feelings and the hurt that is inside.
There are certain things that sets me off. Anytime anyone says anything that hurts really badly, I just have to go away and cut. <staff edit> But I just can't stop. No amount of praying or whatever does any good. <staff edit>

The other day, upon recovery of a close call with congestive heart failure, I cut because I knew that this is the way I would end up dying. And I dreaded it. Then while lying down trying to get rid of the headache, which aparently comes with having the top number of your blood pressure being 210, my husband has the guts to come in and say "I know what's wrong with you" I said"what" He said "you are depressed." That set me off. <staff edit>

OK, so I am babbling on to I don't know who, and I am afraid that someone is going to write back and say "get over it" like everyone else that don't understand me does. But that's ok, I guess. It won't be the first time.

 

[Criada]

I'm sorry. It is such a hard thing to fight, because it is a coping strategy, and to some extent, in the short term it does make you feel better.
but it isn't a healthy way of coping, and in the longer term it makes us feel worse, adds to the feelings of condemnation.
There's a sticky at the top of this forum which gives some ideas of other ways of coping when the urge is hard to resist - some of them have helped me through tough patches.
but you're right - it isn't something you can 'just stop' - you need help to find healthy coping strategies. Do you have anyone to talk to about this in 'real life'?
Therapy or counseling can help in dealing with the issues which make us want to cut in the first place.

Above all, sweetie, you *don't* deserve to be hurt. You are a precious daughter of God, and whatever has happened to make you feel this way, He sees you as righteous and beloved.
Praying for you, sweetie - and here if you need to talk. Pm me any time

 

[Brandlynn]

No, in real life, I don't have anyone that understands, and there is a place here local that gives help based on income, but, guess what. Even the lowest price, I can't afford, so I have to deal with it in my own way. And that usually ends me back up at square one.

 

[TheMainException]

Criada said it well. You don't deserve to hurt. It just seems that way because depressive feelings or stress change the way we see the world. If not for depression/depressed moods and stress, you may see even the worst in your life as just mildly bad things...but as it is, our thoughts form a cyclical path downward with each new situation.

You can't just get over it and you can't quit cold turkey without replacing your coping strategy with a new strategy. It's not easy and it's not fun. There is no fairness in life. No ref is ready to call a foul with red and yellow cards or to kick poor sports out of the game when they hurt another player.

There's never really much that can be said to someone in your position. Nothing much that I say is going to brighten your day, stop you from cutting, or drop your blood pressure. I offer things that have worked for me and things that may work for you.

Animals and nature really do help lower blood pressure and make us feel better. Petting a cat or dog or horse, or any other fuzzy, nice creature can help to calm us and lift us up. God didn't put cats on this earth just so that they can do their thing, but because the interaction of species like humans cats is so valuable and wonderful. Even looking at a forest or nature in general through a window has shown to boost moods and drop blood pressure.

Would it work to switch to something like rubber bands or other items that don't break the skin?

Have you tried exercise? This one is one that many people suggest and many people groan and complain about. It is the hardest one to get yourself to do and also the one that helps the most. The benefits from exercise are many and it can lift your mood, clear your head, and replace cutting as a coping strategy. You'll have more energy, lower blood pressure, fewer headaches, and is good for the heart. I'm not saying run 10 miles. I'm suggested whatever you get yourself to do that works for you. If walking up the street 10 minutes is all you can do because of your heart issues or mind issues or simple inability to keep going for any reason whatsoever, you did 10 minutes and that is awesome.

Get sunlight. This is a big one. Winter or summer, getting a bit more sun can really do us some good and you'll feel at least a tad better in most cases.

I'm not trying to throw a bunch of crap at you or minimize what you are going through. I haven't been through your exact situation, but I have gone through my own time of SI, depression, and some serious issues and know pain like I know my scars. These are just things that work for me and that science is showing are a benefit to those of us who are facing the difficult world of our own minds.