Grown Child who refuses to grow up, what can parents do?

[wwjosh19]

However, the problem doesn't sound like the problem you have is with your daughter but rather your inability to stand behind the agreements you have with your daughter. You are no longer "raising" her (or at least you shouldn't be).

Thanks Blackribbon and all. Talking with you all is like looking myself at the mirror to see who I am and what needs to be corrected. I will need time to cut off the 1) health care and 2) car care to transition her out completely. My heart and my brain are not in syn. I will take concrete steps to lay out the end point schedule. BTW: She is not a smoker. In fact she is quite into physical training, quite religiously.

We live in a great country (USA). Truly a land of opportunities. No matter how old you are, there seems always a way to get back to school. A lot of places, if you are not wealthy or smart, once after high school, your academic future is pretty much sealed.

 

[wwjosh19]

However, the problem doesn't sound like the problem you have is with your daughter but rather your inability to stand behind the agreements you have with your daughter. You are no longer "raising" her (or at least you shouldn't be).

Thanks Blackribbon and all. Talking with you all is like looking myself at the mirror to see who I am and what needs to be corrected. I will need time to cut off the 1) health care and 2) car care to transition her out completely. My heart and my brain are not in syn. I will take concrete steps to lay out the end point schedule. BTW: She is not a smoker. In fact she is quite into physical training, quite religiously.

We live in a great country (USA). Truly a land of opportunities. No matter how old you are, there seems always a way to get back to school. A lot of places, if you are not wealthy or smart, once after high school, your academic future is pretty much sealed.

 

[wwjosh19]

However, the problem doesn't sound like the problem you have is with your daughter but rather your inability to stand behind the agreements you have with your daughter. You are no longer "raising" her (or at least you shouldn't be).

Thanks Blackribbon. Talking with you all is like looking myself at the mirror to see who I am and what needs to be corrected. I need time to cut off the 1) health care and 2) car care to transition her out completely. My heart and my brain are not in syn. I will take concrete steps to lay out the end point schedule. As far as housing arrangement, it is between her and her Mom. BTW: She is not a smoker. In fact she is quite into physical training, quite religiously.

We live in a great country (USA). Truly a land of opportunities. No matter how old you are, there seems always a way to get back to school. A lot of places, if you are not wealthy or smart, once after high school, your academic future is pretty much sealed.

 

[blackribbon]

I do suggest spread it out over time...and as her parent who loves her, it is okay to help her when she really needs it. She just shouldn't be assuming that you will pay her way anymore...unless you have infinite funds or plan to live forever. Honestly, my mother has helped me out from time to time....mostly after my husband died and I had to go back to school (helped with things like my daughter's custom skates and skating lessons) and she has given me money when we needed something...like she paid my rent the month after I had to take 6 weeks off for surgery and my savings was suddenly killed by my 19 year old daughter's car (used to go to and from school) needed two major repairs that we didn't expect.

If she really wants to be a nurse, a good start is to get a job as a nursing assistant in a hospital or a nursing home to see what a nurse really does and it will give her an edge up in nursing school based based on the very basic skills. In most instances, this will also give her an opportunity to get health insurance. It isn't an easy job but it is easier than being a nurse and has the same kind of hours.

Good luck. Love you daughter by letting her grow up. When she was little, she fell as she learned to walk. Let her fall as she learns how to stable herself. But if she gets stuck, it is okay to offer her encouragement and an occasional help up out of love....but not because it is the easy way out or else she will never learn to walk on her own. ((Hugs)) to you...and prayers that you and your ex can get along and provide a united front to help her finish growing up.

 

[wwjosh19]

Hi Blackribbon,

You are so very kind. Thank you so much very the great advices. I am eternally grateful for the blessing for my 2 girls, both my joy and pride even though there are rough patches in different level. I eagerly look forward to 5/4's graduation of the younger one. Really hard to believe it was 7 years ago when she was in HS 11 grade, we scramble to prepare her for college application, ACT prep, and now she is graduating.

Just a side note - I will be order some laminated wood planks this morning from a local floor shop (to fix damaged hallway floor from a leaky facet). I noticed the funny bickering between a lady clerk and the salesman. Just now, I look up some cute images of I Corinthians 13, cut it to post card size and plan to give to them. May be this is a divine appointment of sort to share my testimony. I have not witnessed to anyone since 2012. Once awhile, I did have the urge to share. May be just my falling off from the wagon from bad life experience keep me from any sharing. Down inside my heart, I still have a little pilot light as God's witness. Please pray for me as I will be seeing " Linda & Bob" to order the wood tiles in next couple hours. May God allow me to share these beautiful verses on love.

 

[SpiritSong]

My older daughter is 30+. ...

She sounds like she needs professional help. I would not trust anyone here to be able to tell you what is wrong with her or what should be done. Nor from a distance, and not without conversing with her directly.

There are Christian Therapists who are trained to evaluate someone in her shoes and to determine what would be helpful for her. Try to ask your minister or pastor to suggest one. A good Christian Medical Dr. can help too. He could determine if she needs to see a Psychiatrist.

 

[JAM2b]

This something I worry about a lot. Both of my sons have special needs but they aren't bad enough to need professional support, like an aid, and likely would not qualify for disability benefits. However, its bad enough that they struggle.

My oldest is 19, just about to graduate high school, has a part time job, and plans to start college next fall. But he can't drive and can't manage his money without assistance. He wants to be independent so badly, but I'm not sure if he will ever be 100% independent. I am mentally prepared to spend the rest of my life helping him.

 

[blackribbon]

This something I worry about a lot. Both of my sons have special needs but they aren't bad enough to need professional support, like an aid, and likely would not qualify for disability benefits. However, its bad enough that they struggle.

My oldest is 19, just about to graduate high school, has a part time job, and plans to start college next fall. But he can't drive and can't manage his money without assistance. He wants to be independent so badly, but I'm not sure if he will ever be 100% independent. I am mentally prepared to spend the rest of my life helping him.

That is a different situation. I have had to consider that a possibility with one of my children ... I am going forth with the intention on helping him become independent but time will tell if his health issue will make this more difficult.

 

[MorkandMindy]

Becoming independent is a moving target.

I have respect for most younger people because all that my dad had to do to get a job with a great pay was go to college, which cost nothing, and then stop off at a company and ask for a job.

He got the job and it lasted to retirement because being a veteran (saw no action in the war, was in the Coast Guard) and a Free Mason, he never got terminated despite his anti social behavior.

And he got paid a lot of money for by his own admission not doing a lot of work and health care came with the job as per usual. Buying a house and getting and paying the VA mortgage was as easy as falling off a log.

Back then the aim of the economy was 100% employment.

I had to start from their position, of zero social skills and get jobs in what was still a good job market, but I got low paid jobs of course.

Now with tons of self help guidance from the Internet my personality is regarded as one of my strong points, but lack of a useful degree leaves me in near minimum wage jobs.

 

[MorkandMindy]

So with considerably higher intelligence and doing more work and more focused work, with commendations from my higher ups, I'm 'earning' 5% of what (corrected for inflation) he was paid at my age.

He can't understand why I'm not getting what he was getting or a lot more.

So there is an additional challenge these days, someone comparing themselves with others will get depressed, it's basic human nature.

And depressed people are pessimistic and think everything will go wrong and don't go and do anything that contains any uncertainty.

 

[MorkandMindy]

A nod here to those in the nursing profession. I understand it has always been hard work, had bad hours and certainly in Britain was appallingly badly paid due to a historical connection with being something single women who lived in the hospital did, almost like a religious order.

So the overall trend toward more work and less pay in the working class in most countries might not currently be reflected in the nursing profession, I hope.

 

[blackribbon]

A nod here to those in the nursing profession. I understand it has always been hard work, had bad hours and certainly in Britain was appallingly badly paid due to a historical connection with being something single women who lived in the hospital did, almost like a religious order.

So the overall trend toward more work and less pay in the working class in most countries might not currently be reflected in the nursing profession, I hope.

It is reflected in all medical professions. There is one common complaint among nurses and that is simply do something about the unsafe patient to nurse ratios. Not because we are lazy but rather we find we often can't do what we want to do for a patient because we simply are taking care of too many people at one time.

If you are unhappy with your earning situation, why don't you change jobs? Sometimes it does mean getting additional education/training but the jobs do exist. College degrees aren't usually "job training" programs but just having one is what is necessary to get a lot of jobs. I have a hard time believing that a physics degree is a useless degree. It shows you are good at math and have a logical/analytical mind. Desirable traits. The job market isn't that bad.

 

[MorkandMindy]

I should soon be getting out of my employment situation.

I changed jobs a few times, usually because the company I was working for was financially successful and therefore was sold by the owner, but most recently, because the job had become ludicrously dangerous.

OK, I'm not much of an ambitious job changer, but I did get an Associates in Electrical and Electronic Engineering and then as I had a big struggle to get design work on just an associates I took a second degree in Computer Science, but alas the moving target ate that one as well as a lot of programming was outsourced to India.

Then I switched countries, basically because I had no where to live in England. I came to Albuquerque and was repeatedly rejected for jobs I would probably have gotten in England, but eventually was told that I was in a group they had already badly over-hired, white, male, and a non veteran as well, and the jobs had to be offered to the disadvantaged first.

But that has finally begun to change.

 

[blackribbon]

I should soon be getting out of my employment situation.

I changed jobs a few times, usually because the company I was working for was financially successful and therefore was sold by the owner, but most recently, because the job had become ludicrously dangerous.

OK, I'm not much of an ambitious job changer, but I did get an Associates in Electrical and Electronic Engineering and then as I had a big struggle to get design work on just an associates I took a second degree in Computer Science, but alas the moving target ate that one as well as a lot of programming was outsourced to India.

Then I switched countries, basically because I had no where to live in England. I came to Albuquerque and was repeatedly rejected for jobs I would probably have gotten in England, but eventually was told that I was in a group they had already badly over-hired, white, male, and a non veteran as well, and the jobs had to be offered to the disadvantaged first.

But that has finally begun to change.

Why didn't you get your bachelor's in engineering instead of a second associate's degree? That would have definitely increased your options and earning power. Regardless, I hope things do turn in your favor.

 

[MorkandMindy]

That is exactly the problem with my entire career.

My dad picked me up at the end of term (high school) and asked what I was going to take at college and I replied 'Engineering'.

He said 'that's a terrible idea, a waste of your life, you'll be stuck in a garage the rest of your life, take Physics, that shows companies that you have smarts'.

He has an MBA from Harvard and reads Business Week religiously so I believed what he said and he was so utterly certain that I never thought to double check it.

So I came out with a degree in physics and every company I went to said they were looking for Engineers, not physicists.

 

[MorkandMindy]

The hitch with trying to fix it by then taking an Engineering Degree (B Eng) was university and college fees were rising rapidly and were already out of reach.

Loans were available but not for repeating the same level. But the associates was paid for by the company, it counted as an apprenticeship, so I got that.

Unfortunately the job market particularly for engineers was contracting rapidly in England and the design work which was my strong area was not generally considered within the ability of an associates, most the the BEng guys were totally useless at it so they just didn't think an associates had a chance.

They were wrong, but subsequent over-performing at lower jobs got me feared and hated, you really can't come in at a lower level and find people are going to want to get into your 'good books' as they do with high level guys. Instead they fear you will take their next promotion and out you go.

When it came to taking the Computer Science degree I justified that on the basis of the higher pay the programmers were getting, and that I could easily afford it, unlike the B Eng which was very expensive and essentially non existent in any case in my region.

It appeared only endowed Universities were still offering B Eng degrees.
The reason was the government had stopped funding Universities and there was a cap on tuition charges at 13,000 dollars a year at that time, so no institution without an endowment could afford to teach the B Eng.

Computer Science was cheaper to teach and amazingly the government funded a course for that at Oxford with lots of places so I took that as an external student.

I didn't know what was just around the corner, the export of half the jobs to India and Korea, but it was a very good course and I enjoyed it immensely.

So that's how I ended up with an Associates in Engineering and a full degree in Computer Science.

 

[philadelphos]

I´m sorry, but i think it was a different thing if the woman was in her start 20´s, then she might have an excuse, but she is in her 30´s, i´m sorry, but to me that is a sign of lack of maturity and of course she has a lack of maturity why would she not?? she has been taken care of her whole life, how will she learn to stand on her own two feet and take things serious?? I know how hard things can hurt, and how much it can affect us, but there is people in the world who have suffered worse things than that and can still function, so just to say that bad experiences affects us and then we can be crippled all our lives and do as we please,just because we have experienced something bad, i don´t think that is good enough.

How unscriptural, unkind, callous, and discriminatory. -- The young lady hasn't been "taken care of her whole life", but the very opposite. She comes from a broken family. Her foundation at home, socially, emotionally, developmentally, and spiritually, is very likely fractured. No amount of monies, social support, etc, can compensate such a deficit. 'Build your house on solid rock', right. Eric Ericson's 8 Stages touches on this regarding deficits at certain life stages and being stuck there for life. On that note, it's worth noting that parents and superiors in life, be it aunts and uncles, teachers or employers, are mere guardians of a person. A person made in the image of God. Hence, while you all condescend a '20 year old' or '30 year old', you overlook the fact that we're all children, and every child ultimately belongs to God, the Creator. And God knows our every need. And only his love never fails and his mercy endures forever. - Blessed be the name of the Lord.- So he will be her ultimate help, according to his will, and time. Not yours, not necessarily. If anything, your treatment (and perception - discrimination) of her is a testament against yourself, and your sin. e.g. Worldliness and breaching of the royal law.

This ethos is captured in the Lord's words: "He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none; and he that hath meat, let him do likewise." (Luke 3:11)

So if and when we have more to spare, we thank God, and give to those in need. Per the Good Samaritan. Going above and beyond when coming across someone in crisis.

Blessings

 

[Joni Steele]

My older daughter is 30+. After high school she has no interest in pursuing college, went through many boyfriends and still is. She is living in my ex's rental property to oversee her tenants in exchange for lower rent. Her income is from working in restaurants and serving drinks. The pay is decent, but the job is unstable, environment is not good (2nd hand smoke, bad schedule like late shift ends 3am) and all kinds of difficult customers she must deal with. She uses recreation weed. Upside is that she does keep up with exercises and go to the gym regularly. She has a good heart and very good with people.

I and my ex are running out of idea how to help her to be financially independent, to be mature and take on the responsibilities as an adult to secure a better future as a 30+ adult should. She pays minimum rent (usually late), need close monitoring (and occasional help) with her credit card use. I pay for her health care ). She lives a care free life, no responsibilities, no concerns or planning for the future. Case in point – her car needs maintenance like check tire, brake, oil change. But she will drive until the brake is grinding metal. She had a flat tire again last week. I offered to help her with getting new tires. Yet she still has not made appointment with the auto shop. I am more worried sick about her safety and the next mishap on the road. She does not.

My ex said we are indulging her and need to cut off the help and let her crash to learn. I agree but how far should we let her goes down until she learn – homeless, no health insurance, no car?

I welcome any advice (and prayer) in how to help my child. A friend suggests to contact professional to help her. But I do not even know who to ask, therapist, financial advisers, motivation coach. I think the drive to change must come from her. We are at wit’s end.

(From her perspective, she said she is impacted by our divorce and the trauma of her high school boyfriend who assaulted her. I wish so much I can turn back the clock to do better as a father. Ironically when she was young, I was so occupied with ministries and put it before my family.)

 

[Joni Steele]

My daughter is almost 30. She has left Christianity and become a Social Justice warrior. She has basically told me that I am no longer her Mother anymore. That was back in August when she requested that I dont contact her anymore.

 

[dayhiker]

Sorry your daughter is treating you that way, Joni.