Group Discussion Question: "Expectations in Marriage"?

[MessianicMommy]

How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?

For me, it was just more proof that I can't rely on another person to provide my spirituality, it's something I have to learn, supplement and support myself on. I already knew I couldn't be anyone else's Holy Spirit, but this has definitely been brought forward in the last 5+ years.

What is your reaction to the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness?

I guess a normal one? I always knew that so it's not anything new to me


Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with: A vacuum? A harsh judge? A Platinum VISA card? A loving father?

All of the above, depending on where we lived and the prevailing theology of the congregation we were in.


How does this view still affect the way you interact with God?
I think I've gleaned what I could from each and examined Scripture closely enough to work out that G-d is more than anyone can put in a box, and is true to His Word. He is not like mankind, He isn't too far away, and he's definitely not a sugar-daddy.

How do you respond to the idea that God rejoices over His people as a bridegroom delights in his bride?
It's not a foreign idea, so I don't have issue with it... He's also a father who clucks over His children and tucks them under His wing.. so I guess I see the best of both ideas.

What does marital infidelity teach us about our faithlessness to God and His response to it?
Um, not sure how to respond to this. Humans are fallible, G-d is not. His response to our sins is a bit of a difference from how people react to marital infidelity..


What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children?

That it's hard work and everyone has free will...

You can't "make" someone do something, you can only guide them and hope they make the right choice, and redirect if they don't, and if that doesn't work, there's always natural consequences.

 

[Psalm63]

"Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with:"

A harsh judge.

"How does this view still affect the way you interact with God?"

It doesn't any longer. Through diligently seeking Him, I now know Him as a loving Father and a Friend that sticks closer than a brother (or anyone else) ever could.

I identify a great deal with your answer to that one!

"How long you've been married."

39 years

Wow. I did the math and it looks like you got married at age 18. Congratulations for your longevity!

 

[Psalm63]

Hello..Im Dallas 1st marriage ..married in June of 1988...

...

And yes I have matured a lot..I've pretty much given up the idea that what he thinks about me should be anywhere to hang my hat on..that I will do my darndest best..and if its not good enough Im not crying in my beer over it..in fact I dont even drink beer anymore..(no thanks to him ONE YEAR TOMORROW )..

....
That gives me hope and a feeling of contentment most of the time..and I do for WHATEVER REASON ..still LOVE HIM ANYWAY!

Dallas

CONGRATULATIONS on your one year anniversary!
YOU GO GIRL!

I identify a lot with your journey, especially coming out from the "people pleaser" kind of mentality which kept me on a hamster wheel always trying harder and harder.... and it was never good enough. Nowadays, I tune out the million voices trying to tell me what to do and focus on the one "still small voice" and walk with the Holy Spirit and I am at peace and content.

 

[Psalm63]

How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?

For me, it was just more proof that I can't rely on another person to provide my spirituality, it's something I have to learn, supplement and support myself on.

Ditto and to that!
(I regret that it took so very long to learn that lesson!)

 

[Tannic]

Got married in July of 2010. And sorry I had no expectations in marriage because IMO it's selfish of myself to hold up a standard for someone if I'm not following it myself. I'm not perfect but I do strive to be perfect in the eyes of God. And through him he's taught me his expectations of marriage and showed me how to love. And I'm still learning.

 

[Psalm63]

What is your reaction to the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness?

My husband and I were just talking in the past couple days about how we have been "good for each other" even though we have had some very difficult seasons in our marriage. We have been "iron sharpening iron", or I have this picture in my mind of one of those machines that rolls rocks together until they come out all smooth and polished and beautiful.

 

[Psalm63]

Got married in July of 2010. And sorry I had no expectations in marriage because IMO it's selfish of myself to hold up a standard for someone if I'm not following it myself. I'm not perfect but I do strive to be perfect in the eyes of God. And through him he's taught me his expectations of marriage and showed me how to love. And I'm still learning.

Congratulations!

Our oldest got married June 26 of 2010 (she was the third of our children to marry, though... took her time)

 

[hijklmnop]

I'll have been married for 10 years in about 2 weeks. WOOT!

Expectations: hmmm...I think I just expected us to be a great Christian couple: faithful, happy, traditional, etc. I really thought we had our heads on straight about how husbands and wives should be within a Christian marriage and would do well together. I knew to expect "hard" times but never expected the depth of difficulty we ended up facing.

 

[hijklmnop]

How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?​

I've learned that it is foolish to "wait" for your h to be a spiritual leader. My eyes became focused on him, not on Him. I waited way too long and grew distant from God hoping my h would do whatever it was I expected him to do as the man of the household. I should never have relinquished any responsibility for my own spiritual walk and the walks of my children. I think the lazy part of me really liked the idea of him having to be the leader. When I had to make tough decisions I re-learned how strong I can be when I'm relying on God and not another human being and don't ever want to forget that. I have learned that I can be joyful in Christ no matter what is going on in my marriage and life as a whole. My identity and worth is in Christ, not in my marital status or the eyes of my h. I need to constantly ensure that Christ remains my top priority and nothing else distracts me from that, even things that seem noble in comparison like marriage and kids. I'm the best wife and mother and ME when rooted firmly in Him (not him). I'm valuable for who I am as a person because God loves me...even if my statuses as wife and mother are ever lost or tarnished. I've also learned to be a confident woman in a way I never understood was possible before. God didn't create us to be fearful, trembling little beings, always looking to someone else to figure things out. I have learned that God speaks to ME, and I must listen! And when I do I can move forward in my life without fear.


​

 

[lillivanilli]

Hi! I,ve been married since May 1998, first marriage for both of us.

I didn't really have a lot of expectations either - except that I relied on him to be my strength and support as our marriage took place after a particularly rough time in my life. I now see how that expectation was unfair of me to put on him, but he never complained and was happy to be that for me. As I grow and mature I have learned to rely on myself and get myself through my hard times as well as rely on myself for my happiness and not expect him to provide it for me.

How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?

I guess what I wrote above kind of answers the growing as a person portion - but until recently neither of us were very "religious." I've recently found a new church that is inspiring me to grow more on my Christian path, with or without him.

Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with: A vacuum? A harsh judge? A Platinum VISA card? A loving father?

A harsh judge. My grandma was always telling us we were going to hell if we didn't do x or y or stop doing a or b.

How does this view still affect the way you interact with God?
I'm beginning to shake that old view but it's not always easy.

How do you respond to the idea that God rejoices over His people as a bridegroom delights in his bride?
That's a newer concept, and one I need to mull over more!

What does marital infidelity teach us about our faithlessness to God and His response to it?
Well I've never experienced marital infidelity...but I can see how easily we can lose our faith in God just as some married people easily cheat on their spouses. Temptation is everywhere and we as humans are susceptible.

What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children?

Hmm. For me it's the realization that God loves us as a father (instead of the old picture I had of Him as a mean old grump) and I can use my own experience with childbirth to get an idea of how HE feels about us. It makes it seem much more....real?

 

[hijklmnop]

Oh yeah, I forgot to say how my expectations have matured.

I no longer expect my h to be the spiritual leader of our home in the way I used to. I appreciate when he is striving to fill the boots of a Christian husband and father with integrity, but I don't use him as a spiritual crutch anymore. I am just as responsible as he is when it comes to making sure our household is headed in the way it should go spiritually.

I no longer feel like we must be the traditional couple I thought we had to be. Now we both work full-time and we make decisions together and are much happier for it. We don't try to fill "roles" as defined by others but allow ourselves to BE ourselves as individuals. I feel no more pressure to cave to my h's will just because he is my h. We have a mutual respect for each other that I didn't know possible.

I no longer expect my h to make me feel happy every day. He is a fallible human being with his own struggles and rough times as I am. I have learned to look past him and to God to be my source of strength and comfort in all times. Oftentimes I get those things from dh as well, but he cannot meet those needs as I think I expected him to when we first got married.

I no longer expect us to be able to work things through just between the two of us and privately. I used to feel pressure that we had to appear as a good example of a Christian couple and that allowed problems to fester and grow in secrecy. Now we wear our humanity on our sleeves and seek help and support when we need it which has been our saving grace in the past couple of years!

I know now that having expectations is kind of useless. I now have boundaries...knowledge of what is and is not acceptable to me in a relationship with someone...but in terms of expectations...I have learned to expect the unexpected. You never know what is around the corner in marriage and in life; the important thing is to know that God is your rock no matter what.

 

[Psalm63]

I know now that having expectations is kind of useless. I now have boundaries...knowledge of what is and is not acceptable to me in a relationship with someone...but in terms of expectations...I have learned to expect the unexpected. You never know what is around the corner in marriage and in life; the important thing is to know that God is your rock no matter what.

The whole post was good. Just snipped the part I am responding to...

I think I said this earlier, but I learned that "expectations are premeditated resentments". The fact is, we are human and we will fail. I noticed that both men and women on the thread have mentioned the folly of putting the other on a pedestal. Putting the other on a pedestal OR being on the other's pedestal can be an unhealthy idolatry. We all need grace for our imperfections and I think it's really important to keep GOD on the throne, not another human being

 

[Psalm63]

What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children?

Hmm. For me it's the realization that God loves us as a father (instead of the old picture I had of Him as a mean old grump) and I can use my own experience with childbirth to get an idea of how HE feels about us. It makes it seem much more....real?

Love this answer!

Reminds me of Father's Love Letter.

 

[Amanafterherheart]

We Married in 1988. Had expectations to have faithful wife. Had expectation of happy sex life After her affairs and long times apart now all is true with lots of sex and no affairs that I am aware of to be real. I got my expectations after hard times big times.

 

[bachatagirl]

ow has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian? being married to an unbeliever really stretches your faith,,believe me!

What is your reaction to the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness? i know this is true cause many times im not happy but i know that i made a committment to God and my husband therefore its a call to holiness

Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with: A vacuum? A harsh judge? A Platinum VISA card? A loving father? How does this view still affect the way you interact with God? a vacuum,,,,,no expression of love sometimes i feel that way when i am depressed about God

How do you respond to the idea that God rejoices over His people as a bridegroom delights in his bride? gives me a Hope that i know is real

What does marital infidelity teach us about our faithlessness to God and His response to it? That just as one is faithful to their spouse,,,we are to be faithful only to the One true God

What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children? that there are pains,,,trials and problems in childbirth but lways ends in joy...

__________________

 

[Psalm63]

We Married in 1988. Had expectations to have faithful wife. Had expectation of happy sex life After her affairs and long times apart now all is true with lots of sex and no affairs that I am aware of to be real. I got my expectations after hard times big times.

If I am understanding you correctly, things have improved?

 

[Psalm63]

What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children?

that there are pains,,, trials and problems in childbirth but always ends in joy...

That is profound and reminds me of a passage which seems relevant to the "vacuum" feeling you expressed. We too have HOPE that we will get through travail and rejoice:

21 A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. 22 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. John 16


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[k450ofu3k-gh-5ipe]

First marriage, and married in 2008. I didn't have many expectations of marriage. The expectations I had were faithful and loving companionship, regular sex, to eventually have children, and to fulfill our marital vows to one another including "till death do we part".

How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?​

It has served to demonstrate to me how tough it can be to truly love a person like Christ loves us. I have an endless amount to grow in how I love other my wife and other people. Christ's love for us is incomprehensible.

What is your reaction to the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness?​

I wholeheartedly agree with the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness. God promises us that our Christian walk will come with hardship--even with the hardship we are to strive for holiness. Happiness is an emotional state, but the joy that comes from honoring God is eternal. In a similar way, I believe the joy that comes from honoring God within a marriage is infinitely more important than a fleeting emotional happiness.

Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with: A vacuum? A harsh judge? A Platinum VISA card? A loving father? How does this view still affect the way you interact with God?​

I would say a vacuum, assuming that a vacuum means that I thought of God as being apathetic or benevolent. Basically a Deist worldview.

How do you respond to the idea that God rejoices over His people as a bridegroom delights in his bride?​

I love the idea and believe that we are God's bride. It's a good picture to consider when I don't feel like God is near or involved.

What does marital infidelity teach us about our faithlessness to God and His response to it?​

God's response to our infidelity is like the Prodigal son. The father welcomed back his wayward son with open arms, not just walking out to meet him but flat out sprinting to hold his son once again! That picture demonstrates how much God loves us and wants us to be with him even when we've cheated and shamed him. The father even celebrated his wayward son's return by slaying the fattened calf!

What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children?​

I don't think I can answer this question yet as I haven't experienced the joys and sorrows of childbirth and raising children.

 

[bachatagirl]

so true....and this is possible because of Gods undescriable love for us...Amen

 

[Niffer]

Hi all, I'm Jen married summer of 08'.
We're both in our first (and I pray only!) marriages.

I got married expecting to be in a stable enviornment. Remi had been at the same job for 3 years, working on a good apprenticeship, strong Christian and kept himself for marriage (as I had.)

We got married, and I moved from living under my parents roof to the middle of nowhere Alberta (pop 500) and had weeks were the only person I spoke to was my husband.
I suffered through homesickness and loneliness, but I got connected with the church and things got much better for 7 months.
Then the rug got pulled out from under us.
The economy plummeted, he lost work we had no choice but to move into the city to look for work.
We shared a house with his sister and her husband.

We almost divorced the year we lived there - the stress, financial burden, no privacy and living in a big, dirty city far from any family really almost did us in.

I realized how silly all my expectations were, and nothing was stable.

Our marriage was dragged over coals that year but things finally got better when we moved - again.
We've since moved 4 times and looking to move again.

And while my expectations may have changed we do know we love eachother very much.

Peace,
-Niffer