Group Discussion Question: "Expectations in Marriage"?

[Psalm63]

When you got married, what did you expect to gain from your marriage?

How have your expectations matured since then? (source)

NOTE: Please introduce yourself.
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[Psalm63]

Hello, I'm Ps63 and I am in my first marriage which began in October 1982.

I have learned that "expectations are premeditated resentments". I am married to a human being and to expect a happily-ever-after fairy tale where he loves me "as Christ loves the church" is unrealistic.

 

[JaneFW]

Hello I'm Jane and this is my second marriage, which began November 1999.

Geez. How to begin!

I did have high expectations. I put my h on a pedestal, which was messed up. He soon fell off, which was to be expected. Probably true vice versa too. We both wanted a marriage so different to the ones we had ended but - on my part anyway - I expected it would be different just because it was a different husband. I didn't realize that we would have to work to make it different. HUGE wake up call.

I can't say anything about the maturing of expectations because it would be far too negative, because I don't have any anymore.

 

[lisah]

When you got married, what did you expect to gain from your marriage?

How have your expectations matured since then? (source)

NOTE: Please introduce yourself.
​

Hi, I'm lisah. When we married in 1993, it was the second marriage for both of us. I am trying to think of expectations, but I don't really think I had many. We did not go through this big romantic thing when it came to marriage. Before we got married we both threw out the idea of divorce. It was agreed that it was not a possibility, although at one point I did want out and at one point he wanted out too. (But I did not find out about that until I wanted out.)

I think that that was how we "matured" into our relationship. It wasn't until it went into the toilet that we were able to build the relationship into something better.

I think it is easier to describe what I did not expect, than to describe what I may have expected. Mostly, I did not expect him to love me as much as he does, nor I him. I very much believe that marriage can teach people how to love, better.

(This might not be what you are looking for, but it what I have to offer as most of the source does not apply.)

 

[Psalm63]

Hi, I'm lisah. When we married in 1993, it was the second marriage for both of us. I am trying to think of expectations, but I don't really think I had many. We did not go through this big romantic thing when it came to marriage. Before we got married we both threw out the idea of divorce. It was agreed that it was not a possibility, although at one point I did want out and at one point he wanted out too. (But I did not find out about that until I wanted out.)

I think that that was how we "matured" into our relationship. It wasn't until it went into the toilet that we were able to build the relationship into something better.

I think it is easier to describe what I did not expect, than to describe what I may have expected. Mostly, I did not expect him to love me as much as he does, nor I him. I very much believe that marriage can teach people how to love, better.

(This might not be what you are looking for, but it what I have to offer as most of the source does not apply.)

The source just had some good questions which I thought might stimulate some self evaluation, sharing, and mutual edification on the MF

and your testimony is very inspiring
I appreciate your sharing!

 

[Athene]

I don't remember what I expected to gain from my marriage. Maybe that means I had no expectations lol.

ETA, DH and I married in 2004.

ETA2: It's our first marriage,

 

[Psalm63]

Hello I'm Jane and this is my second marriage, which began November 1999.

Geez. How to begin!

I did have high expectations. I put my h on a pedestal, which was messed up. He soon fell off, which was to be expected. Probably true vice versa too. We both wanted a marriage so different to the ones we had ended but - on my part anyway - I expected it would be different just because it was a different husband. I didn't realize that we would have to work to make it different. HUGE wake up call.

I can't say anything about the maturing of expectations because it would be far too negative, because I don't have any anymore.

I did that too, but it took me a LOT longer than you to wise up. He was my idol for 22 years.

I saw your reply earlier on another thread about deciding to love despite some deficiencies in your marriage and I really admire the maturity (and Christ-likeness) of your response.

 

[Psalm63]

I don't remember what I expected to gain from my marriage. Maybe that means I had no expectations lol.

ETA, DH and I married in 2004.

ETA2: It's our first marriage,

LOL. Maybe you are smarter than the average bear?

 

[MessianicMommy]

Like Athene, I hadn't really any expectations other than to share my life with someone else and that we would love each other. I knew that it would take adjustment, and we'd have to work out our little idiocyncrancies and such...

We got married 5 years ago and it's our only marriage.

 

[LinkH]

This is our first and only marriage, since 1999.

I had a list of what I wanted in a woman, but I don't think I had a very long list of 'expectations' about marriage. Maybe that is a guy thing. Well, I did expect to have sex with my wife, of course, and I expected her to love me, and we planned on having children. Knowing her and myself, I also expected us to go to church and serve the Lord, etc. My list of conscious things I had thought about wasn't much longer than that.

I think my wife had a longer list for me. One thing that can cause a problem in marriage is if your wife has this ideal standard for you to live up to as the perfect leader, spiritually and otherwise in the home, and various other things. We need to accept one another as they are, love, and forgive. Some guys also have these really high expectations of what they want their wives to be like. I know a Japanese man married to an Asian wife, and it seems like he expects to transform her into the perfect Japanese wife who uses the proper polite Japanese language and stuff, and that sort of thing creates stress.

But for the most part, like they say, a man marries a woman and hopes and expects she will never change. A woman marries a man hoping to change him into what she wants. Neither expectation is fulfilled. It is good to encourage one another to grow in the Lord, but we need to accept our spouses for who they are.

 

[JRSut1000]

Hi, I'm "Jsutt" and I got married about 3 years ago. This is my first marriage.

Expectations:

• Spiritual and directive leadership from DH (got it for the most part)
• Children (we currently have a vivacious toddler)
• Lots of hugs and kissing anytime I wanted it (didnt marry a very physically affectionate man, but that's okay!)
• To have the same beliefs (little did I know jst how much my beliefs wouldnt change, my husband has challenged my prior background of religion and Ive learned SO much)
• To feel safe with him on many levels (and I really really do!)

Thats enough for now...

 

[Psalm63]

Thank you, Link. Good thoughts!

but we need to accept our spouses for who they are.

This reminds me of a scripture which became dear to me when I dove much deeper with the Lord as a result of various marital tensions... Sometimes a spouse can behave ways that feel like rejection but God has a different inclination toward us:

"to the praise of the glory of His grace,
by which He made us
accepted in the Beloved." Eph 1:6
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[Psalm63]

JSutt, Great start

(And BTW, I like your avatar- with your whole family represented)

 

[Created2Write]

When you got married, what did you expect to gain from your marriage?

How have your expectations matured since then? (source)

NOTE: Please introduce yourself.
​

Not sure how I'm supposed to introduce myself...

When we married I expected to get love, commitment, sex, honesty and, eventually, children.

Have my expectations matured? Some, I'm sure, would say no. I don't see that they need to mature, to be honest. The expectations were never the issue. I was. Jason was. Not the expectations.

 

[bachatagirl]

Hi,,,new here on the fourms
ive been with my husband for almost 16 years,, hes fromcuba,,,we are unequally yoked about 7n years ago when i became born again
as for expectations for my mariage well,,,i expected too much from him
i wanted him to be everything to me and he is not
i expected lots of attention and love and talking all the time
didnt get that
we see life from different views,,,his upbringing ij cuba is sooo much diferent than mine as an american,,,he knows there is a God but god has no place in his life
he has too many friends and im often left alone thats the worst part
i expected communication,,,he rarely talks
just goes toshow that you cant change someone by marriage that the job of God
but alli n all i still love my husband dispite all il ack from my marriage and im praying God will work thr u me into him
Jesus needs to be my all in all

 

[Psalm63]

Thank you for sharing and

 

[Psalm63]

Not sure how I'm supposed to introduce myself...

How long you've been married.
It could impact the answer to a question like this.

 

[Psalm63]

Here are a few more discussion questions to keep going if anyone is interested... Pick any of them you would like to share your thoughts on.

How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?

What is your reaction to the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness?

Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with: A vacuum? A harsh judge? A Platinum VISA card? A loving father? How does this view still affect the way you interact with God?

How do you respond to the idea that God rejoices over His people as a bridegroom delights in his bride?

What does marital infidelity teach us about our faithlessness to God and His response to it?

What do the agonies and joys of childbirth teach us about God "giving birth" to his children?

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[dallasapple]

Hello..Im Dallas 1st marriage ..married in June of 1988...

Sigh..Im kind of like Athene I dont remember when I got marreid having any "specific" expectations of marraige..we had been together already off and on for 6 years...but had never lived together..I guess I more or less thought thigns woud be the same..anyway I think as I went ALONG and things happened..I may have then been "dissapointed" and thought this isnt how its "supposed to be"..like I didnt have formatled pre-thoughts of what I expected..not that I was aware of..until I noticed stuff I didnt like..I mean I "assumed" things like we woudl have sex(but no specifics just we would )..we would have more children eventually(we already had one)..not a set # or when just we will someday (he wanted more children RIGHT away and I did NOT know that..so that was NOT expected in a sense a false expectation that we woudl wait a lot longer)..of course I "expected he would love me"....

I also "thought"..that after children he woudl be happy to provide while I stayed home..I wasnt "expecting " he would not be happy to do that rather jealous I got to stay home and he had to "work"..

Actually I honestly think my disspointments were more along the lines of what HE expected out of me..that I had NO idea he did ..and was a constant dissapointment to him ..which wasnt what I expected..since he told me I would make him the 'happiest man on earth if I married him"..he neglected I guess to tell me that was because HE had enormous expectations and ideas in his head about how everything would be ..what kind of wife was in his head..seems like in retrosepct was a completely different person in MY BODY...hes always denied that..but ...it was apparent..when someone has to CHANGE that much..against thier total grain to even come close to your idea of an ideal spouse..then ...

And yes I have matured a lot..I've pretty much given up the idea that what he thinks about me should be anywhere to hang my hat on..that I will do my darndest best..and if its not good enough Im not crying in my beer over it..in fact I dont even drink beer anymore..(no thanks to him ONE YEAR TOMORROW )..I dont expect him to be any different either..you shouldnt get married expecting someone to change..if they NEED to then they will..if its a deal breaker you can not live with?Obviously I dont take divorce lightly or I would have been out of here a long time ago..but thats a better option than hounding someone to be someone they arent..

That gives me hope and a feeling of contentment most of the time..and I do for WHATEVER REASON ..still LOVE HIM ANYWAY!

Dallas

 

[favoritetoyisjoy]

"When you got married, what did you expect to gain from your marriage?"

Very simply stated, but complete to me, my expectation was being with her all of the time. Everything was perfect, I didn't need or care to think about anything else, we had each other. This is still sufficient for me. A much later realization is what I didn't expect, that she would ever change.

"How have your expectations matured since then?"

Being together all of the time was unrealistic and we do choose to be apart occasionally due to other interests, but the best that life can offer is to be with her. I still think about her all of the time.

"How has your marriage served to show you how you need to grow and develop as a person and as a Christian?"

That I need to fulfill God's requirements as her husband. Also, I once loved my wife more than anything, even God, and this ends up being a terrible mistake. Some sort of serious crash off the pedestal was inevitable.

"What is your reaction to the idea that marriage is a call to holiness more than a call to happiness?"

God calls us to holiness, then to follow and submit to Him in how we conduct ourselves in our marriages, to pursue oneness rather than selfishness, self-interest, and independence (I call it twoness), which results in happiness.

"Which of these best expresses the concept of God you grew up with:"

A harsh judge.

"How does this view still affect the way you interact with God?"

It doesn't any longer. Through diligently seeking Him, I now know Him as a loving Father and a Friend that sticks closer than a brother (or anyone else) ever could.

"How do you respond to the idea that God rejoices over His people as a bridegroom delights in his bride?"

I believe it.

"What does marital infidelity teach us about our faithlessness to God and His response to it?"

It must cause Him indescribable anguish. When my wife disappoints, hurts, or discourages me, it makes me think "This is what I do to God", which is humbling in a very weird, ironic, and profound way right about then, and compels me to seek and follow Him more.

"How long you've been married."

39 years