Grieving

[Jen9417]

My best friend was shot and killed by her boyfriend last week. I cried eight times between Tuesday and Saturday, and I hardly ever cry-ever. The girl and I were like sisters since elementary school, but I seldom got to see her when I was in college-maybe once or twice on summer or Christmas break(I hardly ever hang out with friends as i am a hardcore introvert, but this girl one of my top 3 friends and we listed each other as sisters on Facebook. We cared about each other, but we were both just so busy the last couple of years and we understood we didn't need to see each other all the time to maintain the close friendship.)

I rationalized that since we were both Christians instead of waiting a couple of months to see her at home, I would wait a couple of decades to see her in heaven. That and the fact people had accepted Jesus at her funeral gave me a sort of peace because she always wanted to be a missionary and evangelist. Am I a bad friend for having a peace or finding any healing only a week after my friend's death? My pastor asked me how I was feeling today and I said okay and meant it(okay doesn't mean great, it means functioning) and he acted like I couldn't possibly be doing okay. But I have to be doing okay to get my schoolwork done, and not doing okay is not going to bring my friend back-it's just going to pull me into a depression.

My small group at church all signed a card for me-a sweet gesture I appreciated for the first 10 minutes, but now it's a weird reminder of what's happened. That my freaking best friend died and is gone and people have a reason to feel sorry for me. I almost want to rip it up, but I'm still comforted by the fact people care at the same time. Still, the card triggered sadness and I have less peace now


People already feel sorry for me because of my disability, but now my best friend was murdered and people pity me even more. I know I should't care about what people think I should feel, but I am dumb and shallow.

On the opposite extreme, I feel like other people have gotten over it already and I shouldn't be sad.

Is it normal to be super confused by your emotions in grief? To bounce back and forth between sadness and peace? Do you think I'm in danger of surprising my emotions? Is my confusion on the right way to feel normal or healthy? Thanks!

 

[Take Heart]

I'm so sorry for your loss Jen..I don't know what to say in terms of what happened.. I'm just glad
you shared this with us..so thank you ♥
To be honest, there's no formula for grieving. Everyone of us experiences death and grief differently and in a different pace.
so try not to be too hard on yourself for how you're feeling.. because grief is a process. This process can sometimes have it's good days in which we feel peace- and that's a beautiful thing, please don't feel ashamed or ..guilty for feeling that. I personally think that our loved ones would want us to feel at peace. How much more our Heavenly Father Himself? That's not to say that this grieving process doesn't have it's bad moments/days either. I lost my dad.. I'm currently in College. I lost him in 2013 to cancer. It was incredibly hard for me [when he was still alive, knowing that he had cancer] to see my once strong father..grow weaker and skinnier as time progressed. But God was holding me and my family up with such..surreal strength that I look back and I can't even imagine how I held it all together at that time. At the same time.. when my dad passed away, I felt at peace. Why? Because I knew He was in Heaven. He had witnessed many times the presence of holy angels surrounding him and outside of our house. He also happened to give his life to Christ. So in that..I have found peace. That he is no longer suffering as he used to on earth. I hope that you, in turn, are reminded of your friend's comfort and peace in Heaven so that, you in turn, may be comforted. Despite knowing that though...I still grieved. I mean..I lost my dad. That was like..the first 'real' close death of a loved one for me. I had previously lost both grandparents during my childhood and teen years but that was different because I hardly saw them since they lived in a different country. I was barely close to them.. but this was my dad. Someone I saw every day. I grieved mostly because I wouldn't see them again.. until I realized.. oh wait. I will see him again- on the other side of eternity- which is in Heaven : )
That's not a wishful..hopeful-type thinking. That's a fact. A promised reality.
The same holds for your dear friend, sis ♥
You will see her again. This grieving process can be weird. I admit that most days..I'm totally fine. Then there's this one day EVEN AFTER all these years.. that I burst out crying because of my dad. That's totally normal. Don't beat yourself up over those moments. It'll happen. It happens randomly too.
But don't forget about the reality that they are indeed in God's loving, comforting, and peaceful hands now. That they aren't suffering the traumatic events of what has happened on earth anymore. That part is over for them. And know how much we loved them. It'll take time, but you'll need to forgive yourself of any regrets you may have. Because you couldn't have known that this was going to happen to your friend. No one knew. And that certainly isn't your fault.

 

[Johnnz]

You are not dumb if I read your post correctly. It is well written, expressive and very real.

Yes we 'cope' - we just get on with life. But it's only those really close that we feel free to be more honest with. And with a death of a loved one sometimes the long term pain is harder to live with and more persistent that the initial grief we experience.

John
NZ

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

Every one grieves differently. There is no set time or way. Try to go easy on you.