Grieving miscarriage not allowed! Help...

[amber2754]

My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. I come from a history of physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse. My husband has a deep desire to see me have freedom from the pain that my past has on me. He has prayed and prayed for a while now about how to help me. I have gone to counseling, to women bible study groups, I have done workbooks and read books, though I have to admit when it gets difficult, I tend to flee. I do end up returning to the path, but the fleeing has frustrated my husband. Over the past few months he has decided to take a "tough love" approach with me and gave me an ultimatum, that if I didn't go see a counselor (he picked the specific one, which is a male) then he would no longer help out with the children or anything else that he does to help out around the house. We have 2 children (ages 7 1/2 & 1 1/2).

The ultimatum came a few weeks after we had a miscarriage. I felt that he was more intent on staying on the path to "healing from the past" then he was allowing me to grieve. I had already been suffering postpartum depression since my youngest child was born, so the pain of the miscarriage was overwhelming.

We ended up getting pregnant again (unexpected) and again miscarried 6 weeks ago. My husband is still very much directed to the path of healing verses allowing me time to grieve yet another miscarriage. Friends and family have begun to recognize this and have tried to talk to him about backing off for a while to allow me time to grieve, but he says God has convicted his heart that he has been enabling me and not leading me towards healing long enough and says there is no negotiation. He thinks most of my sadness and depression is related to my past abuse and doesn't recognize the pain of the miscarriages. He says he feels that I will only find healing from depression and this sadness through counseling in his time frame and his pick of counselor.

I am at the point where it is too difficult to choose to love him anymore but I don't want a divorce. I am so depressed, but I feel he refuses to give me time to grieve.

I am not sure if the expectations of my husband are reasonable and I should be able to do all of it, or is it unrealistic? I have agreed to the counseling but I feel I have had to put away the ability to grieve for now, but it is making my depression worse.

How to I manage to grieve, and deal with the pain and extra emotion of past abuse as well as the absolute feeling of being controlled all at the same time while my depression swirls to intensely that is too much. All while taking care of my children. Please if you have any suggestions I am open to hear them.

Thanks so much and sorry this is so long.

 

[vespasia]

I am fairly sure there is a group called Empty Arms in the USA that supports mothers whose children die before birth. They may be able to listen to you at a time your husband for whatever reason cannot.

Couples who loose children can often find it very hard to really talk to one another about what has happened and its possible for both to be grieving but in a way that is very different to what the other person feels they need. If there is a pastor at church you both can chat to maybe having that someone else involved as a mediator might help ease things whilst grief is raw.

Please be aware that if you have previously had PND then you have an increased risk of this happening again. It is possible to have PND after a miscarriage but it can be missed as many mistake the depression for simple grief. If your suffering and struggling it might be worth talking to a medical doctor and asking if this may be why your having such a hard time of things.

 

[versesvsvices]

While I do think you should do as your husband requests, I also feel the terms of his ultimatum are entirely inappropriate. Not just stopping doing your part around the house, but abandoning your responsibilities as a father? Clearly he's desperate to help you and is just at a loss so he's trying anything.

I've suffered miscarriages as well, and it sounds to me like your grief is impacting your life above and beyond what most would consider "normal" (for lack of a better way to put it, sorry). Everyone grieves differently and there's certainly nothing wrong with you at all, but I do think you should seek help with it, if not for your own well being, then for your children, who need their mother to be happy and healthy.

In summary: Your husband is being a stinker, but it's for the right reasons. I think you should tell him that his 'tude is not okay, but also do as he requests.

 

[SplendidTree]

Aww, I am so very sorry for your loss. Have you tried to explain to him how you feel or the sadness involved? Maybe he doesn't understand it the way you do as he was not carrying the child. Not to say men do not care, but it may be different for you both. Maybe he is not allowing himself to grieve as well and holding it in.

Maybe you could write him a letter. Let him know how it is affecting you as a woman and a mother, even as a wife. Sometimes writing things is easier than talking face to face and we can get feelings down easier. It may open the doors for communication. Just my first thoughts.

But anyhow, I will pray for you and please keep praying if you can.

 

[RuthD]

At a time like this I think your husband should be supporting you. I think your grieving and depression are normal with all that you have been through. I hope you let yourself cry and grieve no matter what he says. I believe he cares but just does not know the right way to treat you right now when you need him most. I am praying for you. God bless you!

 

[christaj]

I don't know if you will get this message since I am posting 4 months later (I found your post on a related search), but I am praying for you.

My situation was very similar to yours. I also come from an abuse background, which colors my perceptions of just about everything. About 11 years ago I lost my only baby (7 weeks into the pregnancy) and was not allowed to grieve. I wanted to share a bit about what helped, and about some of the pitfalls I encountered (in hopes you can avoid them).

When I lost my baby, almost everyone in my church told me, "Don't cry, you'll have another baby" (I never did). My husband was not supportive. I ended up in a deep depression, and didn't get help (an antidepressant) till over a year later. I truly believe that if I had been allowed to grieve, I would have gotten over it MUCH sooner. Instead, I was determined to hang on to my grief and remember the baby that everyone else seemed determined to make me forget.

Beware that Satan WILL attack you when you are down. You can count on it. I say that not to scare you, but to make you aware. I was ignorant and it led to my downfall.

I made two major mistakes after I lost my baby.

1. I believed Satan's lie that God killed my baby - that He was mad at me. He was NOT. Just because His children were insensitive or cruel did not mean that He did not care about my pain.

2. I fell for Satan's trap - using my husband's lack of support to contrast the support of two male friends. Satan can use your vulnerability and your marriage struggles against you. (It is very common, by the way, for marriages to start having problems after a child of whatever age dies). Since my husband was not supporting me, Satan found a couple of male friends that did support me - and I ended up having two emotional affairs. One lasted about 3 years; the other about 6 weeks. (If, God forbid, you ever find yourself in this situation, I highly recommend Beth Moore's book When Godly People Do Ungodly Things. She describes the difference between everyday temptation and Satanic seduction, which is what happened to me.) If you and your husband are having difficulties, you would both be wise to see a pastor or counselor who is familiar with grief and/or miscarriage, to help you resolve any issues. And be VERY VERY careful of opening up too much to male friends during this vulnerable time in your life.

The one lifeline I had that did help was a website called Hannah's Prayer (if you Google the name, you can get the link - I haven't posted enough to this board for it to let me post with links). It is a Christian website for pregnancy loss & infertility. They also have message boards where you can post and receive messages on various topics.

Whatever you do, hang on to Jesus with all the faith you can possibly muster (which may not be much, but it doesn't have to be - if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can move mountains). He DOES care about your pain. Ask Him for what you need. He will bring you healing, and after you have healed, will use your pain to help others.

I am praying for you. I can also chat via email (though I admit I don't check my email often). Sending a cyber-hug...

 

[GloryBeeMe]

Versesvsvices and christaj hit the nail on the head. Your husband loves you a lot. Men flat out don't feel what we do when we lose babies. I've lost 3 and it's heartwrenching. The emotional, physical pain and the questioning of your faith and God's love etc etc...our husband are sad, no doubt. But it's not the same. You and your hubby will be in my prayers...you will get through this...I have no doubt. The pain is always there, but you and your hubby will be stronger.

 

[artqween]

My husband and I have been married for almost 13 years. I come from a history of physical, emotional, spiritual and sexual abuse. My husband has a deep desire to see me have freedom from the pain that my past has on me. He has prayed and prayed for a while now about how to help me. I have gone to counseling, to women bible study groups, I have done workbooks and read books, though I have to admit when it gets difficult, I tend to flee. I do end up returning to the path, but the fleeing has frustrated my husband. Over the past few months he has decided to take a "tough love" approach with me and gave me an ultimatum, that if I didn't go see a counselor (he picked the specific one, which is a male) then he would no longer help out with the children or anything else that he does to help out around the house. We have 2 children (ages 7 1/2 & 1 1/2).

The ultimatum came a few weeks after we had a miscarriage. I felt that he was more intent on staying on the path to "healing from the past" then he was allowing me to grieve. I had already been suffering postpartum depression since my youngest child was born, so the pain of the miscarriage was overwhelming.

We ended up getting pregnant again (unexpected) and again miscarried 6 weeks ago. My husband is still very much directed to the path of healing verses allowing me time to grieve yet another miscarriage. Friends and family have begun to recognize this and have tried to talk to him about backing off for a while to allow me time to grieve, but he says God has convicted his heart that he has been enabling me and not leading me towards healing long enough and says there is no negotiation. He thinks most of my sadness and depression is related to my past abuse and doesn't recognize the pain of the miscarriages. He says he feels that I will only find healing from depression and this sadness through counseling in his time frame and his pick of counselor.

I am at the point where it is too difficult to choose to love him anymore but I don't want a divorce. I am so depressed, but I feel he refuses to give me time to grieve.

I am not sure if the expectations of my husband are reasonable and I should be able to do all of it, or is it unrealistic? I have agreed to the counseling but I feel I have had to put away the ability to grieve for now, but it is making my depression worse.

How to I manage to grieve, and deal with the pain and extra emotion of past abuse as well as the absolute feeling of being controlled all at the same time while my depression swirls to intensely that is too much. All while taking care of my children. Please if you have any suggestions I am open to hear them.

Thanks so much and sorry this is so long.

Hi friend first my sincere condolences on ur loss .

Possibly consider kindly remind ur husband ur pain is deep and u dont appreciate his ultimatuims. U have situations u r dealing with? Consider going together support groups for ur issues in ur local hospital??

U r on disability for ur mental and physical issues?

May u find peace and strength for ur dark days ?

Good luck sister

 

[lilismom]

Im sorry for all of us mommies of angels. I found a really cool project through this terrible time though.its called white signs of grief. I think its something like whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.co m. Its a neat place to feel heard. I hope you have time to check it out. Im planning on making my sign soon =) I ask God to be with all of us and bring us healing and beautiful friendships and support through these sad,sad times.

 

[artqween]

Im sorry for all of us mommies of angels. I found a really cool project through this terrible time though.its called white signs of grief. I think its something like whitesignsofgrief.blogspot.co m. Its a neat place to feel heard. I hope you have time to check it out. Im planning on making my sign soon =) I ask God to be with all of us and bring us healing and beautiful friendships and support through these sad,sad times.

U mean on behalf of "all of us mommies of grief"? Hey btw lilismom nice name
Ur daughter is named lili she is n0w resting ?? May u always have peace and strength in ur heart every day... Praise God..

 

[lilismom]

Im sorry for us mommies of angels because it is the hardest thing ive dealt with so far. I know my Ligia (lili) is with Jesus. And im glad i will get to know her better one day, i am still sad that i have to miss her for now. I feel for the other women going through this right now, may God bring us all peace and healing.

 

[artqween]

Im sorry for us mommies of angels because it is the hardest thing ive dealt with so far. I know my Ligia (lili) is with Jesus. And im glad i will get to know her better one day, i am still sad that i have to miss her for now. I feel for the other women going through this right now, may God bring us all peace and healing.

On behalf of all u moms here.. My deepest condolences on ur loss ur
Pain is deep. May u find closer in ur angels rest.. ? May u moms have strength to demo ur angels every day..
To make a difference in their name?
Hey to all btw..

 

[lilismom]

Thank you, have u lost a baby as well? My daughter was fullterm. She is the most beautiful baby i have seen. Grateful still to God for her and i too pray for goodness and healing to be her legacy.

 

[artqween]

Thank you, have u lost a baby as well? My daughter was fullterm. She is the most beautiful baby i have seen. Grateful still to God for her and i too pray for goodness and healing to be her legacy.

No my son is 22 and a sponky adhd
Adult. Whose a genuis.

Aww why did she rest?? lilismom

 

[lilismom]

Well thank you for taking the time to come here and support women like us. I really do appreciate the prayers and your thoughtfullness. It means so much to me to know you care. Have a blessed day! When God looks down on you he smiles =)

 

[lilismom]

They dont know. A lot of pregnancy losses remain a mystery. I like to think that her soul was too beautiful and perfect for the suffering of this world and God chose her to be with him because she is so special. Im glad u have an amazing son! I hope to have earth children one day too. Give your son a huge hug for me. Im so glad u get to spend time with him. My daughters heart stopped in early labor but her soul lives in heaven and in my heart for i will never stop loving her so much =)

 

[artqween]

Well thank you for taking the time to come here and support women like us. I really do appreciate the prayers and your thoughtfullness. It means so much to me to know you care. Have a blessed day! When God looks down on you he smiles =)

Thank u sis.. thats what Gods people do.. Reach out in love . Keep in mind there r support groups in ur local hospital for this.. plez consider..
Possibly suggest to ur local hospital to create a section for special angels like ur daughter and others like u, who had lost an infant?

R u on disability for ur mental pain from this??

Also everyone!!! join me in having fun in the new christain section for my thread under hello hello awesome bros and sis's.. lets have fun... Plez spread the word

 

[lilismom]

I know about those groups, but they are in the labor and delivery ward where i gave birth. It would be too hard for me to go there and see all the women leaving with their healthy babies. There is a couple at our church who lost their daughter 2 months after she was born to a genetic problem and its been healing to spend time and grieve with them. Im not on disability. I was going to be a.stay at home mom so that i could homeschool her, so i dont have a job right now. Ive been keeping busy volunteering at our church so that is good.

 

[artqween]

I know about those groups, but they are in the labor and delivery ward where i gave birth. It would be too hard for me to go there and see all the women leaving with their healthy babies. There is a couple at our church who lost their daughter 2 months after she was born to a genetic problem and its been healing to spend time and grieve with them. Im not on disability. I was going to be a.stay at home mom so that i could homeschool her, so i dont have a job right now. Ive been keeping busy volunteering at our church so that is good.

No.. I was thinking in the lobby area of ur local hospital.. i def.ly dont suggest u go where u mentiond .
Ask the rep. in the hospital where there are support groups for u guys pain in another section of the hospital?
Possibly suggest how u can create support groups as well in there but in another section? make a dedication on ur daughters be half? Did ur daughter have any mental issues when she restd? :huge: btw

 

[lilismom]

Yah most of them are in the labor and delivery ward. So that surprised me too. I have an awesome therapist who has helped me and my husband a lot, so im grateful for that. We are adjusting to this new normal, but i think greiving a child is a lifelong process, it gets less painfull as time passes, but we have a resposibility to our children to remember them fondly and become better christians, people and mothers through this.