- Apr 26, 2005
- 858
- 68
- 67
- Faith
- Nazarene
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
I feel like I'm split into two people. My sister called me tonight to tell me that my niece is about to lose her 5th child to miscarriage. She reached her usual 8 weeks, and just as before, they could not find a heartbeat. One minute I am calm and quiet, trusting God and praising Him through the pain, and then the next minute the tears start again, and the human part of me asks why, how is this fair?
Yesterday, a baby was found in a dumpster, left there my a mother who didn't even leave him in a place where care was guaranteed, and now today this niece who I love, who has wanted a child since she was one herself, is losing yet another baby, and I don't know how to stop the rush of emotions I am feeling so that I can be there for her.
I let myself think that this time would be different. In the past, I know she felt like I let her down because I couldn't pray for her to have a child as she wasn't married. I told her that having a baby was something that the Lord blesses in a marriage, and I couldn't ask Him for something I didn't believe was right.
Don't get me wrong, once she told me she was pregnant each of the other times, I prayed sincerely for the child to be held in Jesus' tender touch and born healthy and whole. I just didn't ask God to bring about a pregnancy outside of marriage when she asked me to in between her pregnancies.
Then she started to make better decisions for her life. She began going to church regularly, which is something I have prayed for her whole life. Her and her boyfriend got married, bought a house, and talked to their pastor about joining the church they had been attending. I joyously joined them in praying for the child they had wanted for so long, and when they told me they were pregnant, I prayed long and hard, believing for the miracle that this baby would be for them in so many ways.
Now I am at a loss. For myself, I have no doubt that the Lord will use this for good, as He does anything meant for evil in our lives, yet I am confused and sad and questioning and a little angry to tell you the truth. This is one of those times when what will come down the road just doesn't take the sting away from what is happening now. So for her and her husband, Lord I ask you to speak through me and give me the right words to answer their angry questions and bitter accusations. - Where is your God? Why did He let this happen? Why are our prayers not answered? All questions I usually have no problem answering, but now seem unable to even grasp myself. I am so fearful that she will shut God out in her grief, and that something I do or say at this time might only make it worse because I am not at a good place myself. So, I will just ask the Spirit to speak my heart to God, and for clear wisdom and guidance through my confusion and doubt - not in Him, but in me.
