Greif counseling

[Honibee]

As some may remember (from when I posted here more frequently), I lost my husband awhile ago. I've seen all of my children grieve their loss in different ways. One of them told me the other day, they feel they need to see a counselor. I'd like to get feedback from anyone who has used a counselor to work their way through grief.

For the most part, I am alittle hesitant because I don't feel psychology, in general, deals with the complete person (spiritual side). Christian psychology I'm also not sure of.

Like I said... I'm not sure... and experiences related to me, or advice, would be prayed about, and appreciated. Thank you.

 

[JeanR]

I immediately starting to go to grief counseling when my husband died. In fact, the counselor I am going to was known by both Terry and I and he even came to the viewing. I decided to go to one-on-one counseling rather than a group. I didn't think I would feel comfortable in a group. And, I liked the fact that Dave knew my husband. He was not a stranger.

I have been going every other week since Terry died 7 months ago. Everyone grieves differently and he was able to help me deal with my own loss, as well as guide me in how to take care of my children. The nice thing is that Dave explained to me how the mind heals and that has been so helpful. He was able to explain the emotions I was feeling and why I was feeling a certain way. For example, I am having memory lapses. I will be driving down a road and have no idea where I am or where I'm going. He explained to me that that is normal. The mind takes a full year to heal and he brought me comfort. I understand that I am not going crazy!

I think the most beneficial thing about going to counseling is understanding that what I am feeling is completely normal and to be expected. He also has been helpful with practical advice.

My children went for counseling for a little while. I was concerned for them because they were the ones who found Terry dead on the family room floor. They called the paramedics and performed CPR. I knew they needed to talk through everything they had been through that evening.

Well, this is a long way around saying that counseling was the best thing I did after my husband died. I recommend that anyone who has experienced such a devastating loss should talk to someone. The counselor I am going to is a christian. He prays with me and guides me with a biblical perspective.

 

[Solidlyhere]

Honibee said: "I don't feel psychology, in general, deals with the complete person (spiritual side)."

That is a True statement.

If you are a Christian, you have people to help you deal with the Spiritual side of you.
Your Pastor can guide you to important facets of Christianity.
Your friends can discuss God, and how they serve Him.
So, you have this part covered already; there's no need to look any further.

Grief is a different side of you.
Counselors know how to help people Let Go of their grief.
They can teach you how to look at grief in a different way.
Then, seeing it that way, the grief loses its power over your attention.
Life moves on.

Grief groups.
A Support group of widows and widowers.
Here are several people, gathering together, to learn how to Let Go of grief.
Some are new-comers, crying and full of grief.
Some are old-timers, on with their Life.
The old-timers give confidence to the rest, that they (too) can Let Go of grief.

When I was widowed, I did the Counseling route.
After 3 months, I burned through most of the shock, and began to do new things.
I forgave God; I forgave her; I forgave me. ... Some peace, at last.
I know -- that without it -- I would have taken a year or more to move on.

My advice: Do what you feel comfortable doing.

My prayer: You will soon be Free to feel good again.

 

[Honibee]

Thank you so much JeanR and Solidlyhere, for sharing your experiences and encouragement.

My son started counseling... he's been to two sessions... and it's been very helpful for him. His counselor is a Christian. I'm amazed at God's leading and constant supply.

Blessings to you!

 

[JeanR]

I'm so glad to hear that Honibee.

I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through the last 7 months without counseling. I would have felt like I was drowning without a lifeline.

I will keep you and your son in my prayers
Jean

 

[ElElena]

We sometimes thought we would want counseling but didn't find much time for it.

My youngest son was encouraged to get counseling.

We found out best counselors came from those who had been through it. My son had a friend that had gone through the loss of his dad.

I found a young widow/widowers support group. A man in the group had his children in counseling. He was happy with the counseling they received from what I heard.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful than this.

I feel your personal inclination is probably what is best for your family. You are the one in charge now.

 

[ElElena]

I sometimes respond to messages on here and later find out good/better responses have already been shared. I am still new on here please forgive any errors I may make.

 

[Honibee]

We sometimes thought we would want counseling but didn't find much time for it.

My youngest son was encouraged to get counseling.

We found out best counselors came from those who had been through it. My son had a friend that had gone through the loss of his dad.

I found a young widow/widowers support group. A man in the group had his children in counseling. He was happy with the counseling they received from what I heard.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful than this.

I feel your personal inclination is probably what is best for your family. You are the one in charge now.

Thank you ElElena,
My family also found alot of support and 'healing' by grieving with my late husband's family. We were a source of understanding and strength for each other.
God bless, you!

 

[rjoymac]

I to think that each person has a different way of handling their grief. Most people I know say the same thing, finding people who want to talk about the last is the hardest thing. Everyone is so afraid of upsetting you that they don't know what to do. And they seem to move away when you need them the most. And sometimes we just need a hug!

 

[robert adams]

I haven't posted here for a long time. I just "peeked in" supposedly for a second.

I tried to "stuff" my grief for a long time after my wife passed away. However, I finally received counseling and broke down crying and sobbing. I was finally able to let it out. I don't think it was the counseling as much as it was a safe place to unload grief.

One problem that I noticed is that we are expected to be "strong" Christians and not be affected by death. After all aren't we taught that it is just a transition to eternal life? That may be, but a huge hole is left in our life.

My opinion is that selecting the right counselor is important. They should be able to biblically answer the question: "If God is good, why did he take my spouse?"

 

[JeanR]

When my father passed away 19 years ago, I encountered many good christians who basically said he was in a better place and I should be happy. The problem with that statement is that it makes you feel guilty if your grieve and that somehow your faith isn't srong enough if you are hurting.

That experience is what led me to go for grief counseling immediately after Terry died. I knew I needed that "safe place' to work through my feelings. Even though we know that our loved ones are indeed in a better place and we will be reunited, you still need to deal with the here and now. Saying that the here and now is tough to deal with is an understatement.

Today is 10 months. I'm adjusting to being alone, but I hate every minute of it. There are moments when I want to be married again so much that it hurts. I know all along I have said I would never remarry, but I'm not so sure now. I know God has a plan for me, I just don't know what it is yet.

 

[robert adams]

Boy-Howdy! You nailed it, Jean. I think one reason that I "stuffed" grief was due to feeling guilty for grieving. Others don't know quite what to say. They would say "she's in a better place." They knew it sounded trite and "happy-clappy," but it was meant to tell me that there was no reason to grieve. The effect was to feel guilty and keep my emotions bottled up. That doesn't work!!!

I tried to listen continuously to Christian radio programs. Some seem to dwell on death and dying to obtain audience connection or reaction (not sure what their goal is). Several bogged me down more than helped. I finally turned it off, altogether, in response to the morbidity of the programming.

I have gone through a "why am I still here?" phase - which is asking your question: "What is God's plan for me?"

 

[JeanR]

Some days I feel like I am moving forward, others I feel like I've taken 2 steps back. I guess that's just how it goes. Some days I don't think of Terry and other days I cry and cry all day. Thank goodness for my grief counselor, because he has assured me that this is normal. Well, as normal as anything can be.

 

[rjoymac]

JaneR, you are right. It took me 4 years before I let myself go. I was on my way home from church and I just started crying and could not stop. I could hardly see the road. I have all ways been the one who was their for everyone, and I thought I could not let go. The 28th of this month would have been Michael's 57th birthday, and the last few days have been hard. I posted on our school's alumni web. And got a note back from Michael's roommate, he did not know Michael had died. I feel that I am learnig to except it but I don't like it. It has been 5years and 7 months.

 

[JeanR]

It's only been 10 months and I am still encountering people who did not know Terry died. It's hard, it just takes you right back to the night he died. Every time I think I'm doing ok, I fall flat on my face. Thank God that our God is a wonderful, awesome God who picks us up and carries us when needed!

 

[Missinyou]

I was at a 50th wedding anniversary party for one of Patsy's uncles this weekend and someone whom I had not seen in a lot of years came up to say hi. He told me he had seen Patsy and I asked him when...to which he told me just a few minutes ago... You can imagine my reaction to that but I just told him that I didn't think so because she had passed away a year ago this past June. He was quite apologetic but said there was someone in the room who looked a lot like her then. I wanted to cry but had to laugh.. It was her older sister, who does look a lot like her, just older. One other person came along and asked how Patsy was doing...and we had to do the thing all over again... I have come to the conclusion that gala events of that nature are not the place for those who have lost their spouses. It's just a reminder that we will never have a 50th, at our ages it's to late to start, and it just reminds us more than ever that we are alone and that the one we loved is no longer here to share these events. No, I think that I will decline the invitations in the future. Perhaps someday, when or if, I find someone new, I will again start attending.