- Jan 9, 2021
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Greetings everyone, these forums seem to be an oasis of kindness in a dark social media world filled with spiteful comments. As I have interacted with others, I have met some very kind and loving people, and every time I fellowship with a Christian, I meet someone who seems to be filled with a spirit of kindness despite this world being full of of hurt people hurting other people.
Since early childhood I resolved to live a perfect spiritual life, full of love and forgiveness for others and at every opportunity doing only kindness. After all the difficult, sometimes quite traumatizing experiences in the first twenty years of my life, I ended up getting life-long mental illness instead. I was dumbfounded, thinking that this was a severe injustice, but I still did my best to find and keep purpose in my life and preserve my sense of spiritual perfectionism. Eventually, after not making progress with recovering to weller-than-well, medication-free, mind-over-matter triumph over mental illness, I resented myself for trying to live up to with absolute perfectionism the standard I thought was God's, loving, seeking approval from, and instantly forgiving others who would hurt me again and again. I read the tragedy that trauma can cause mental illness; where is there any justice for us victims of it if we can be dealt a bad hand of cards AND THEN end up with LIFE-LONG mental illness.
I looked back and thought I was being weak by turning the other cheek. How quickly I became a bitter person for several years. I was angry, resentful, and bitter even at God for allowing the mostly mental/emotional trauma against me from kindergarten onwards, and I hated myself and the personality I was created with for not being mean or tough enough to give others a dose of their own medicine. The ones who were hurting me would have been stopped in their tracks, and I would have suffered a great deal less traumatizing trauma for learning to grow thicker skin, and I perhaps wouldn't have gotten mental illness.
After a while I discovered that I was losing myself and the identity I had so cherished; I felt the warm, loving light within me being replaced with cold darkness. I was a man after God's own heart, and finally, after having "woke up" and thinking I was "taking the red pill" by becoming disillusioned with forgiveness and embracing the hate I had been guarding my heart against, I found that I might as well have been taking a sledgehammer and tearing down my house and its foundations that I had been gifted with and was keeping safe since childhood. I was destroying something very precious that I had been protecting, so I resolved to turn from resentment and bitterness and hope that that precious identity I had would come back. I didn't want to lose that light, so I will nurture goodness, kindness, love, and forgiveness like I've always had, if not even better hopefully, and I hope to have more of in the future.
Now, I am pretty homeward bound after years of schizoaffective disorder, and I will have to wait until the covid-19 pandemic passes to really start interacting with others again in real life, but most everyone else is going online too because of the pandemic, so I hope to have lots of fellowship here ! God bless!
Since early childhood I resolved to live a perfect spiritual life, full of love and forgiveness for others and at every opportunity doing only kindness. After all the difficult, sometimes quite traumatizing experiences in the first twenty years of my life, I ended up getting life-long mental illness instead. I was dumbfounded, thinking that this was a severe injustice, but I still did my best to find and keep purpose in my life and preserve my sense of spiritual perfectionism. Eventually, after not making progress with recovering to weller-than-well, medication-free, mind-over-matter triumph over mental illness, I resented myself for trying to live up to with absolute perfectionism the standard I thought was God's, loving, seeking approval from, and instantly forgiving others who would hurt me again and again. I read the tragedy that trauma can cause mental illness; where is there any justice for us victims of it if we can be dealt a bad hand of cards AND THEN end up with LIFE-LONG mental illness.
I looked back and thought I was being weak by turning the other cheek. How quickly I became a bitter person for several years. I was angry, resentful, and bitter even at God for allowing the mostly mental/emotional trauma against me from kindergarten onwards, and I hated myself and the personality I was created with for not being mean or tough enough to give others a dose of their own medicine. The ones who were hurting me would have been stopped in their tracks, and I would have suffered a great deal less traumatizing trauma for learning to grow thicker skin, and I perhaps wouldn't have gotten mental illness.
After a while I discovered that I was losing myself and the identity I had so cherished; I felt the warm, loving light within me being replaced with cold darkness. I was a man after God's own heart, and finally, after having "woke up" and thinking I was "taking the red pill" by becoming disillusioned with forgiveness and embracing the hate I had been guarding my heart against, I found that I might as well have been taking a sledgehammer and tearing down my house and its foundations that I had been gifted with and was keeping safe since childhood. I was destroying something very precious that I had been protecting, so I resolved to turn from resentment and bitterness and hope that that precious identity I had would come back. I didn't want to lose that light, so I will nurture goodness, kindness, love, and forgiveness like I've always had, if not even better hopefully, and I hope to have more of in the future.
Now, I am pretty homeward bound after years of schizoaffective disorder, and I will have to wait until the covid-19 pandemic passes to really start interacting with others again in real life, but most everyone else is going online too because of the pandemic, so I hope to have lots of fellowship here ! God bless!