Hello. Let me introduce myself, quickly. I'm 20 (to be 21 in May), live in New York, attend a community college. I also work part time at a pharmacy.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer this fall. Our family (I live with my mother and father, and my 22 year brother is often home) is not very emotionally open. Nor are we the "huggy" type. Therefore, things simply aren't discussed. I'm quite sensitive and emotional, yet I feel as though those 'needs' aren't important or worth being validated. I tend to attempt to numb myself.
Unfortunately, I tend to turn to food to change the way I feel. (Usually that's where the numbing comes in.) Since my mom's diagnosis, I've lost a significant amount of weight in less a than healthy manner. I, however, love the way I look now. I intend to keep losing. It feels like that's all I have to hold onto. The compliments from friends just encourage me.
I did visit my physician and was given an antidepressant which has really been a lifesaver; this, however, was back in October. I was supposed to follow up with a therapist but have hesistated because I doubt she's Christian, and I really don't want to endure moral relativism, 'self-esteem' garbage, etc. All that really matters is Christ and His Grace.
Christ is all the sanity I have to hold onto. I wish I could stop being so selfish in terms of body image, food, etc. I know I'm terribly self-righteous and proud, which feeds into the disordered behaviors. I know I'm wrong. Yet I feel as though God's probably quite mad at me. I feel like I can't please Him, ever. He feels far from my heart.
And, now, I just recieved my grades in the mail today. They're really quite hilarious: I have an A, a B, a C, a D and an F! I'm so so so scared to tell my parents. They are going to kill me. What's more, I was planning on graduating this semester. How will I tell them that's not going to happen? They expected all A's and B's from me.
Oh, I am SO in trouble. I want to cry. But I don't. I abuse food.
Thank you all for listening.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer this fall. Our family (I live with my mother and father, and my 22 year brother is often home) is not very emotionally open. Nor are we the "huggy" type. Therefore, things simply aren't discussed. I'm quite sensitive and emotional, yet I feel as though those 'needs' aren't important or worth being validated. I tend to attempt to numb myself.
Unfortunately, I tend to turn to food to change the way I feel. (Usually that's where the numbing comes in.) Since my mom's diagnosis, I've lost a significant amount of weight in less a than healthy manner. I, however, love the way I look now. I intend to keep losing. It feels like that's all I have to hold onto. The compliments from friends just encourage me.
I did visit my physician and was given an antidepressant which has really been a lifesaver; this, however, was back in October. I was supposed to follow up with a therapist but have hesistated because I doubt she's Christian, and I really don't want to endure moral relativism, 'self-esteem' garbage, etc. All that really matters is Christ and His Grace.
Christ is all the sanity I have to hold onto. I wish I could stop being so selfish in terms of body image, food, etc. I know I'm terribly self-righteous and proud, which feeds into the disordered behaviors. I know I'm wrong. Yet I feel as though God's probably quite mad at me. I feel like I can't please Him, ever. He feels far from my heart.
And, now, I just recieved my grades in the mail today. They're really quite hilarious: I have an A, a B, a C, a D and an F! I'm so so so scared to tell my parents. They are going to kill me. What's more, I was planning on graduating this semester. How will I tell them that's not going to happen? They expected all A's and B's from me.
Oh, I am SO in trouble. I want to cry. But I don't. I abuse food.
Thank you all for listening.
