A married couple came in to see me for the first time: mid-thirties, two kids, Christians, church members. I'll call them Bob and Susie. Susie, in tears, told me Bob had had an affair. It lasted three months, and she had just found out about it one month ago.
In that one month, they had sought advice from their pastor, a Christian therapist, several best-selling Christian books, and some close friends. They got the same four pieces of advice from every one of these Christian sources, and all the advice was directed at Susie.
Susie was told Bob's affair was partly her fault.
She wasn't meeting all of Bob's needs. Bob wasn't happy at home. Men don't have affairs, she was told, unless the wife isn't doing her job.
Susie was told she needed to win Bob back.
She'd lost him and now it was her responsibility to get him back. She needed to immediately pursue him. She needed to lose weight, cook more and better meals, clean the house better, and offer him plenty of passionate, exciting sex.
Susie was told to forgive Bob quickly and move on from the affair.
Don't bring up the details. Don't ask questions. Don't vent your emotions. Don't be sad and, above all, don't be mad. Just be glad he's willing to stay with you.
Susie was told it was a marriage problem.
The affair was only a symptom of a sick marriage. So, don't focus on the affair but focus on improving the marriage. Work on communication, meeting needs and doing the love languages.
Does this advice sound familiar? I'll bet it does. This is far and away the most popular Christian approach to adultery. It's the advice given whether it is the husband or wife who has committed adultery.
It is the advice most pastors give. It is the advice most Christian therapists give. It is the advice most best-selling Christian authors give.