Goodbye SI

[Finn88]

Hey guys!
For 1 year, and 10days, I have been a self harmer. I guess it all started when I got tempted. I was offered another lifestyle and I started crossing a few lines I hadnt before. I never completely backslid...I still believed in God, played the game, but I had one foot in each camp and there is only so long you can do that without getting messed up.
Alot of stuff happened with my family when I was younger, but up till this point I had been OK with it, but when I started trying to deal with my own problems things got messy. Being a stubborn person, the longer I ignored God, the harder it became for me to go back, to the point that, I barely remember what it is to feel OK anymore!
God has really been trying to get my attention these past few weeks!With songs, verses, movies, and friends coming right out and saying "God says..."
There has been alot of talk about Freedom amongst my peers in the youth organisation I work for. Freedom in Christ! To no longer rely on ourselves to work theough our issues!Everyone knows something is up with me but they dont know what and they are waiting...and, well, Ive fought it to the bitter end. ..but its been a rollercoaster of emotions and really, I dont know why I do that to myself! Its wierd...I didn't want to accept that God wants me, and wants me Free-not lonley, or confused, messing around with stuff i shouldnt touch, and self harming! Its really scary, and I dont want to give up all this stuff...its comfortable...but I NEED to!
I NEED to quit. I NEED to rely on God again, I NEED to accept forgivness!
So for months, I have avoided saying this, but...I'm quitting. And Im scared that I will slip up again, but you guys have been so instrumental in making me realise that that is ok...if I slip up, its NOT the end of the world. It that dosnt mean I have to give up giving up!
Im going back to my Father, Im gonna play by the rules, and claim what he has for me! FREEDOM! and in saying this I AM FREE!
Lord, I trust you! I trust you to keep me safe, and keep me accountable!
So, Im leaving the whole of this behind, and wont look back, so I would hope that wont see me in this thread anymore untill a time when I feel strong enough to help others.
Thank you all again so much...you might not have said much to me specifically, but reading your posts has given me endless encouragement and reassurance that I was never alone!
I will not stop praying for you...ALL of you! And I would appreciate to know that you will do the same for me... ?
I'm gonna stick around on CF, for purpose of PM's and there's a whole load of other threads I still need to check out!
I'll check in on you once I feel better. Maybey I'll count and let you know.
As of today, the 29th Nov 2006
Finn88 is a child of the Living, most powerful and Holy God, is Free! Aquitted of all charges and does not SI anymore!!!

now I am tired and need to sleep tomorrow is a new day! And I look forward to it!

Love you all, Finnx

 

[HolyOne87]

I am happy to hear that you are quitting! thats great.
I really hope God will help you through this time and that He will help you avoid all temptations to SI
I have faith in you!
I love your uplifted spirit! that is great to have!! Keep that up! :-D

I shall pray for you!

+God Bless+

 

[angelkiss]

So wonderful to hear that!
I'll be praying for you!
's and es!!

 

[Pasat_14]

That's SO great to hear! I've been working on that too...I've only done it four times this year...where as last year it would take me four days to do it four times.
I will definately be praying for you because I know how hard it can get, but at the same time, it's so truly rewarding!

 

[Finn88]

Oh, ok, so I still need you guys!
Still feelin a little scared from time to time, but on the whole I is doing allright.
so far
tryin not to dwell on it to much, but I need the encouragement!
its been...uh, I havnt been counting...since the day b4 I last posted! (probably better I dont know)
Been prayin for you all though! I know how important that is to pray...is easier to start with other people though. Why is that?
Finnx

 

[Celtic Camel]

hey Finn,
hang in there... God's love for you is big enough to carry you through... fall onto Him... trust Him...
and I'll be here praying for you & believing in you the whole way too!

love & prayers,
xoxox

 

[HolyOne87]

i guess because its a better feeling. Praying as a community is always nice and uplifting. Helps one feel comfort.
And dont be scared. We are always here for you! We are behind you 100%! If you ever need us, we will be right here. You arent alone in this! :-D

 

[Finn88]

yeah I s'pose...
thanks again!
Im doin ok still...keep distractin myself (or being distracted) whenever these thoughts come into my head...but I still dont really feel any different from before. I dunno, its wierd! I want to stop...but I still get the urges every now an then...but I guess its easier to put it out of my mind cos I dont want to do it!
I'm still afraid of the day when something happens to upset me. I'm never good at stopping myself if Im really upset.
I don't feel like Im free yet.
But I want to be...

 

[HolyOne87]

yeah I s'pose...
thanks again!
Im doin ok still...keep distractin myself (or being distracted) whenever these thoughts come into my head...but I still dont really feel any different from before. I dunno, its wierd! I want to stop...but I still get the urges every now an then...but I guess its easier to put it out of my mind cos I dont want to do it!
I'm still afraid of the day when something happens to upset me. I'm never good at stopping myself if Im really upset.
I don't feel like Im free yet.
But I want to be...

Yeah, its hard to get rid of urges. But the main thing is you WANT to change...thats a great thing! It will take a lot of time and support. We will be here supporting you all the way! I know you can do it.
Always remember, IF you do fall, dont get discouraged. Instead, pick yourself up and keep trying.
I have faith in you!!

I will be praying for you!
+God Bless+

 

[Pasat_14]

I made a happy list. lol. I know how weird that sounds but it worked.
All I did was made a list of things that would distract me or make me happy so that by the time I had finished doing one of the things on my list I wouldn't have that urge anymore.
Somethings you can try are, praying, read the bible, read a book, watch a scary or comedy movie, come on these forums, play your favourite game...etc.
It's something worth giving a go, it helped me!
Still praying for you, stay strong!

xox.

 

[Finn88]

Hmmm, Happy list you say?!
Sounds good!
Thanks again you guys! You have no Idea how much I appreciate your prayers! Im doin good today...was a bit wierd over the weekend, but I was in a safe place so it was ok!(lots of people arround me)
Its sooo much easier knowin that if I fall, I can just pick myself up again! Im glad that finally clicked! I is less likely to mess up now...There's less of a feeling of dread, and inevitibility, if you know wot I mean?!

Finnxx

 

[HolyOne87]

yay, im happy for you finn!!!

+God Bless+

 

[LazeyWinde]

yeah I s'pose...
thanks again!
Im doin ok still...keep distractin myself (or being distracted) whenever these thoughts come into my head...but I still dont really feel any different from before. I dunno, its wierd! I want to stop...but I still get the urges every now an then...but I guess its easier to put it out of my mind cos I dont want to do it!
I'm still afraid of the day when something happens to upset me. I'm never good at stopping myself if Im really upset.
I don't feel like Im free yet.
But I want to be...

Self harm is an adiction, like drinking for recovered alcoholics they still get urges. You'll beat this someday Finn, just keep praying and resisting the temptation and it'll get easier. You might want to make a list of useful coping strategies/alternatives to hurting yourself that'll work for you.

 

[Finn88]

Yeah, I need to memorise my list too! so that I know what to do straight away next time I get an urge!

I bit myself the other day (I bite hard)...I got angry... cant decide how much that counts to my total...I guess Im back down to 3 days...but its still 3 days! Im not giving up!
I have a list with 5 things to try, starting with breathing! ending in fone a friend for when I get really desperate! These are calm down techniques though, as apposed to distraction techniques!

I know all about the addiction thing! Its a bit of a theme in my life right now! (I get hooked on suff really easily) but at least I know that about myself now! I can be more selective about things I get involved in/try. But since Im dealing with it (or trying to) it means Im able to help my friends (I have folks quittin smokin an stuff) I can identify with them.

Thankx again for your support, I appreciate it so much!!!!

Finnx

 

[beckybooiloveu]

im praying for you!!! well done on wanting to give up! im proud

 

[Finn88]

You know, I havnt had a really good excuse to SI in a while, but Christmas time in my family would bring anyone to it! My parents live 250 miles from each other, and they still cant get along!They cant just be civil enough to one other for a simple task like swapping over the kidz presents! So its a war zone! My little brother is still hurting, and blames himself for the initial splitting up 4 years ago, so every time they start misbehaving, he gets hurt again. So, i found out this evening that he has started cutting too
Im one of 6 children, half of us SI! one beats up other people, and the other two, aren't even 10 yet.
I feel so wierd, first scared, then everyhthing seemed funny, then kinda detached...right now I want to cut...but I was lookin at some of ma posts and remembered Im suposed to be free! I wanted to help other people!
But I cant really remember ... oh i dont know, but my happy lists dont work cos I dont feel upset, or angry or anything!
Im so confused!
I want to go to bed and never get up again!
Thanks for listening.
Finnx

 

[LazeyWinde]

*Hugs Finn*
I remember when I found out that my younger sister was self harming... I'd moved from home and was living in Ohio... it felt strange, I had self harmed before I moved from home and didn't understand it very well at the time... I thought it was very bizarre but understood her in a way.

 

[Finn88]

Yeah, my heart felt heavy when I heard.
But what is more concerning(maybey) is how normal Im startin to feel about the issue. Ma Dad wanted me to get councelling, and keeps remindin me that its not "normal" behaviour...but now 1/2 ma family do it, and I have a few friends who do too, or have done in the past...In my head it seems more and more the norm! It makes it kinda easier to forget why Im quittin-why it's easy to forget that it isnt a valid form of stress relief.

SI is socially unacceptable, and as bad for you as smoking, or taking drugs, but sometimes when you're surrounded by other people who do the same, you can forget that! So I have to constnatly remind myself that its not normal...but contradicting that, I feel more normal than I ever have in my life! Im confused!
and also, I want to help my little brother! but he dosnt know about me, or that I know about him! I dont know what to doooooo!!!

We have had a really good Christmas though!(somehow)
and Im on 13days
Finnx

 

[Finn88]

oh, ok so we're back down to day 3 for me.
was fighting with ma dad again, it all got too much...
not quite sure how I feel right now...

Finnx

 

[Finn88]

hmmm...2 days...
These verses pulled me up again though!

"You know well enough from your own experience that there are some acts of so-called freedom that destroy freedom. Offer yourselves to sin, for instance, and thats your ast free act. But ofer yourself to the ways of God and freedom never quits. All your lives youv'e let sin tell you what to do. But thank God youv'e started listening to a new master, one whose commands set you free to live in his freedom!
Im using this freedom language, because its easy to picture. You can readily recall, cant you, how at one time the more you did just what you felt like doing-not caring about others, not caring about God-the worse your life became and the less freedom you had? And how much different is it now as you live in Gods freedom, your lives healed and expansive in holiness?
As long as you did what you felt like doing, ignoring God, you didnt have to bother with right thinking or right living, or right anything for that matter. But do you call b that free a life? What did you get out of it? Nothing you're proud of now. Where did it get you? A dead end.
But now you've found you dont have to listen to sin telling you what to do and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is real life eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our master."

Romans6v15-23 The Message

wow, that was me! part of me dosnt want to quit, ro give up this sinful nature, part of me dosnt thinkk I can...but on the other hand I WANT this freedom he's talking about! Im a slave to sin! anyone else ever feel like that?! It was allright while I thought this was something I was choosing to do...but it aint! it grips me and I dont want that anymore!

please pray for me!

Finnxx