Good idea or no? Help!

A wedding ceremony is a sacred event that testifies our commitment to our spouse. Its purpose is to make that union holy. It's not a business feeder, this was a human invention. Why enter into a non-holy union just because of an unnecessary high bill? Start with nothing, start it humbly, built your lives together, save money together, in a holy marriage, and use your savings to built a family.

Im another that got married on the cheap so we didnt have to delay it while we were saving. It was still an amazing day, hundreds of people turned up (even though a lot hadnt been invited), we had the service at our church. For the reception we hired a hall and someone at the church did the catering at little more than cost. We had a fantastic day. It wasnt perfect as it was the week after 9/11, there were a couple of technical sound issues in the service, the person who filmed it did an absolutely awful job, but it was our day and we didnt even notice the imperfections. Imperfections will only bother you if you let them. At the end of the day, your wedding day is your wedding day. All the thrills and expenses dont really matter. What matters is the people and in particular the bride and the groom. If you have the people you want there and everyone enjoys themselves the rest is superficial.

I say go for it and get married as soon as he moves to your town. Its the world that thinks you have to spend a fortune on a wedding. Dont let the worlds version of a wedding ruin what it is really about, 2 people coming together in marriage before God. Not having an expensive wedding wont break your marriage, but putting it off may lead to temptation that does. If you go into it with a materialistic view that can follow on into the marriage. If you go into it as 2 people with not a lot else but each other and build from there I can say from experience that helps build the marriage. Your dream should be to be married to your fiance, not having the most expensive and lavish wedding you can. My wedding day was such a whirlwind of things going on and talking to people I dont think I really noticed anything going on around me anyway so it would have been a waste of money anyway. Maybe save that money as a deposit to buy a house instead.

In fact, if I had waited and saved up for the big lavish wedding I think I would have enjoyed it LESS than I did. I would have been expecting value for money so everything would have to have been perfect. As it was I just got on with enjoying the day and not worrying about imperfections. My wife and I had dozens of people tell us it was the best wedding they had ever been to, largely as we had a carefree attitude to just enjoy it for being our wedding day and for everyone else to enjoy it as well. There was also a real buzz in the church because the members had helped us put it together so they felt more part of it. If something wasnt perfect it got sorted on the spot as the members of the church had "bought in" to our big day, so I didnt even know there was a problem.

I have also known other people who got married quickly and I have known Christians and others who have waited so they can afford the big day. It tends to be the one who wait who have problems in their marriage later on. I dont know why, but it is what I have seen consistently.

So I say go for it. Go into it with an attitude that its your wedding day and you will enjoy it whatever happens and Im sure you will. I always say this to people and have had some friends who got married and something wasnt perfect, like it rained on the day so they couldnt get the pictures they wanted and one got their dress dirty. They said after that they thought about me saying this and took my advise to not let it ruin their day, just accept it and ignore it. They said it did help them as I had made them prepare for imperfections, otherwise they would have reacted to it more, but the thought of what I had said came to mind. So my advise to anyone getting married is, its your wedding day. Enjoy it for what it is and dont let anything take that away from you. Dont worry about expensive lavish extras, its your wedding day with or without them. If something goes wrong, its your wedding day so dont let it bother you. At the end of your wedding day you will be married and nothing else really matters (within reason of course)

So talk to people at your church about what they could if you got married now and think about all of the advice on here before making your choice.

have a ceremony you can afford.

the amount of money people spend on these weddings is beyond absurd and grossly unnecessary. if your family loves you, they will understand your financial situation and not pressure you into a grand ceremony, or they would help out with expenses if they feel you just have to have this huge wedding ceremony.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

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Do not live together. All men are tempted towards sex at all times. Give no appearance of evil.

You'll be amazed at what happens when you decide not to live together and just do this God's way. And it is God's way. It's just being wise. Not only will it benefit your marriage in a big way, but it will benefit your pocket. It really does. You learn to live with less, to care less about stuff, and take that lifestyle choice into your marriage.

People these days want to get married when everything is perfect. There's never a perfect time. Likewise, there's never a perfect time to have kids. You just have to get married and enjoy the marriage. Your marriage isn't your wedding day.

I was amazed how so many things worked out so wonderfully when my wife and I decided to bite the bullet financially and take a risk. We still have debts, but they're minuscule in comparison to others.

All the best. I know you guys will see God pull through for you in ways you never expected.

GirdYourLoins said:

Im another that got married on the cheap so we didnt have to delay it while we were saving. It was still an amazing day, hundreds of people turned up (even though a lot hadnt been invited), we had the service at our church. For the reception we hired a hall and someone at the church did the catering at little more than cost. We had a fantastic day. It wasnt perfect as it was the week after 9/11, there were a couple of technical sound issues in the service, the person who filmed it did an absolutely awful job, but it was our day and we didnt even notice the imperfections. Imperfections will only bother you if you let them. At the end of the day, your wedding day is your wedding day. All the thrills and expenses dont really matter. What matters is the people and in particular the bride and the groom. If you have the people you want there and everyone enjoys themselves the rest is superficial.

I say go for it and get married as soon as he moves to your town. Its the world that thinks you have to spend a fortune on a wedding. Dont let the worlds version of a wedding ruin what it is really about, 2 people coming together in marriage before God. Not having an expensive wedding wont break your marriage, but putting it off may lead to temptation that does. If you go into it with a materialistic view that can follow on into the marriage. If you go into it as 2 people with not a lot else but each other and build from there I can say from experience that helps build the marriage. Your dream should be to be married to your fiance, not having the most expensive and lavish wedding you can. My wedding day was such a whirlwind of things going on and talking to people I dont think I really noticed anything going on around me anyway so it would have been a waste of money anyway. Maybe save that money as a deposit to buy a house instead.

In fact, if I had waited and saved up for the big lavish wedding I think I would have enjoyed it LESS than I did. I would have been expecting value for money so everything would have to have been perfect. As it was I just got on with enjoying the day and not worrying about imperfections. My wife and I had dozens of people tell us it was the best wedding they had ever been to, largely as we had a carefree attitude to just enjoy it for being our wedding day and for everyone else to enjoy it as well. There was also a real buzz in the church because the members had helped us put it together so they felt more part of it. If something wasnt perfect it got sorted on the spot as the members of the church had "bought in" to our big day, so I didnt even know there was a problem.

I have also known other people who got married quickly and I have known Christians and others who have waited so they can afford the big day. It tends to be the one who wait who have problems in their marriage later on. I dont know why, but it is what I have seen consistently.

So I say go for it. Go into it with an attitude that its your wedding day and you will enjoy it whatever happens and Im sure you will. I always say this to people and have had some friends who got married and something wasnt perfect, like it rained on the day so they couldnt get the pictures they wanted and one got their dress dirty. They said after that they thought about me saying this and took my advise to not let it ruin their day, just accept it and ignore it. They said it did help them as I had made them prepare for imperfections, otherwise they would have reacted to it more, but the thought of what I had said came to mind. So my advise to anyone getting married is, its your wedding day. Enjoy it for what it is and dont let anything take that away from you. Dont worry about expensive lavish extras, its your wedding day with or without them. If something goes wrong, its your wedding day so dont let it bother you. At the end of your wedding day you will be married and nothing else really matters (within reason of course)

So talk to people at your church about what they could if you got married now and think about all of the advice on here before making your choice.

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This is very much along the lines of what we did.

I had to move across the country, so the pastor offered to let him live with their family, and we planned to marry as soon as possible (a few months to go through pastoral counseling, etc.).

The Church stepped up in a beautiful way. One lady did the flowers (she had been a florist) as her gift to us - we just had the bouquet and his boutonnière. The Church lent us tablecloths and chair covers, and even gave me sprays of flowers that I broke apart and used with ribbons to fasten each seat cover. Two ladies helped me with tabletop decor, lending me vases, lace appliqués, mirrors, and colored glass stone. I only had to buy candles. A friend of one in the church made my wedding cake for a very reasonable price. I bought a couple of large potted silk flowering plants and that was the only extra church decoration. I hired a photographer who took photos and provided me with a digital copy of them all, but edited only 5 or so, which saved a huge amount (editing is most of the work and with available software, if you know how, you can get good results on your own). I made my own invitations (I had a lot of experience and tools for making fancy paper things). My wedding dress was bought online, and a tailor fitted it for about $60. My ring has aquamarine stones and much smaller diamonds, a look I prefer to large diamonds. I paid a small amount to the church person who normally ran the sound and we used recorded music, except we had piano music provided by the Church piano player during the service. And I provided some of the simple food, and others helped, the church having a kitchen attached. A young lady who was working toward a profession in it did my hair and makeup. We saved money in every way I could find, yet the wedding was beautiful. We got tons of compliments - everyone saw it as both simple and elegant at the same time. The photographer was extremely impressed, and I guess he sees lots of weddings. We even remained friends for a while.

And it did make us much more a part of the church and family. I actually had no one who could travel that far, and my husband had only his mother, brothers and sisters with their families, and his boss who was a good friend and his family. Most of the guests were in fact the church congregation.

It was a good thing all around, not expensive, lovely, and brought us closer to everyone.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space.

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The idea of moving in together to test the waters to see if you are compatible is not good. You are going to potentially put yourself into a position of falling. You won't be able to turn back the clock. You will have to live with the consequences. And worse, the both of you may find out that you don't love one another as deeply as you now think. But you will be stuck with each other. Wait.

My advice to you is: Finish your degree. Get a sustainable job. Get to know each other better. Then consider marriage. My advice to your fiance is the same. At the very least, one of you should be finished with college and have a sustainable income before considering marriage.

I believe the both of you are moving too fast.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

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You will be setting yourself up for failure if you live together before marriage.

It seems that simply to save money, you are putting yourself directly in the path of sin. Why would you do this? Is saving money more important than honoring God and being obedient to Him?

God never tells us to see how close we can get to sin without actually sinning. He tells us to flee from sin and all appearances of sin.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

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Hello, my name is christina, just to introduce myself. I totally get what you are saying about the costs of living separate verses apart. But, in my experience, when you live together outside of marriage, as I did for five years with one man, a year and a half with another, while you do get to know each other better, you also kinda... spoil the best part of marriage. I've learned through my mistakes that marriage should be the time when you join two lives. When you live together and when you do other things together (ya know what I mean) ppl get comfortable and then when you get married its not as special. Does that make sense?

On the other hand, I've seen young people get married that really don't know each other like they thought they did and move in together and realize this person is not who they thought they were. You can live together without having sex, it's not that difficult. Sleep in separate rooms, save money and get to know each other better before you make a marriage commitment. This will also strengthen your faith by not giving into temptation.

I seem to differ from others here, but that's ok. I wouldn't want to marry a woman unless I was sure we were compatible with zero doubt. But, that's just me.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

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Don't be in no hurry to get married when you're: already head over hills in debt, have no funds set aside for the future, barely making ends meet, short time on jobs/and or working part time, still in college, unsure of compatibility even though you've known one another for six years and are engaged.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

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Ask the Father, he's the only one who knows. Not us.

Dylan_Reavis123 said:

Ask the Father, he's the only one who knows. Not us.

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Hello, Dylan, and welcome to CF!

And this question is a good one to point out, that if we happen to "hear" anything different from what He has already given to us, then we can know that it is not God we hear.

My dear you have been given good advice that you asked for. Don't be too proud to take advice from a Protestant

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

We can't really afford to, neither of us can. It will take us about a year to save up and plan. That's just the way it's going to have to be. Might even take two years.

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First of all, I am assuming that you are certain he is the person you should be marrying, and that family and friends are happy with him and no red flags are showing up. If you have doubts or if your family or friends have concerns, that would speak to the question of whether or not to even be engaged. What I write is assuming you and family and friends are comfortable that he is good marriage material and the right person for you.

What decisions will make the most sense for the long-term health of your relationship? There are the things that *seem* pressing right now. But perhaps looking back at them 10 years from now would seem unimportant. The key is making choices that you will look back at and be happy about and that will set you up for a healthy relationship. Part of this is avoiding things that will cause unnecessary stress on your relationship. The question I would have is this, what decisions right now will give you the strongest possible marriage 10 or 20 or 30 years from now?

Learn from people who've been through it. There's the advice from peers and the generational comfort level (where we get used to what we see in people around us) that seems reasonable. Then there's the advice of people who've lived the aftermath of their decisions for decades. All couples are different, but if something causes a lot of experienced couples who've been married for decades to tangibly react and say, "don't do that!", it's wise to listen.

I have my doubts that indefinite engagement periods are healthy for Christian couples. My experience and the experience of many others is that this ultimately causes a lot of unnecessary stress on a relationship. Whether in the same apartment or not, most couples will find time to be alone; especially in an indefinite engagement. The reality is that most Christian couples in an indefinite extended long-term engagement will usually end up creating artificial standards about what is and is not physically appropriate to be doing. At some point, "rules" like "no kisses more than 5 seconds long", "no hugs longer than 5 seconds", "no touching this or that", will become the way most Christian couples try to deal with mounting physical attraction. And then there's the inevitable frustration and guilt when a kiss or two or more go 6 or 7 seconds. God wired us in such a way that it is natural to want to snuggle with our beloved partner and to become closer and closer physically over time. Extended and indefinite engagement periods mess this up. Instead of the physical attraction being something enjoyable, it becomes a source of frustration and guilt and problems and resentment. One person thinks 5 seconds is the max for a kiss; the other thinks 10 seconds is okay. The 10 second person will lovingly acquiesce to a 5 second limit but at some point will get frustrated at always stopping at the 5 second timer. A few 7 or 8 second kisses and the 5 second person will potentially feel forced and frustrated and guilty. One person accidentally (or "accidentally") touches something off limits and guilt ensues. A few years of mentally viewing this normal physical attraction as sin and figuring out how to avoid it will affect how you view it when you get married. You don't simply turn off a year or two of tying negative emotions to physical attraction overnight. Some couples take years or more to get over it.

I'd also tend to advise against long-term engagements for another reason. Having kids is stressful on a a marriage, especially when they are younger and require a lot of time, and finances usually take a hit. Being married an extra year or two or more (instead of being in a non-married limbo land of engagement for a few years), is a chance to establish a stronger relationship before more stress hits when kids arrive. Also, kids and forms of birth control are things that both partners should be in agreement over.

There are many other things that can stress a relationship. Finances are often a big one. One thing that too many couples embrace (which they should be avoiding like the plague) is financial bondage. Overspending on stuff (be it new furniture, appliances, too big of a house or apartment, new versus used car, an expensive honeymoon, or fancy wedding, etc.) will result in financial difficulties. The stuff might be nice, but the stress it causes when bills cannot be paid, or one or both partners needing to work overtime to pay it off damages the relationship. My firm opinion is that all couples need to sit down and seriously have a plan how to deal with 2 things: 1. how to have a positive annual cash flow, and 2. how to pay off any debt as quickly as possible. Unless one or both partners are independently wealthy or have extremely high paying jobs (and living in a low cost of living part of the country), I don't think any couple today can make it financially without living well below their means. I do not see existing debt before a marriage as a problem. What I see as a problem is if a couple does not immediately start laying out concrete plans (on paper using realistic!!! numbers) to make sure they will indeed have a positive cash flow and can pay off existing debt. If they don't have the numeric skills for this, they probably have some relative or friend who could help. Many churches have financial counselors or access to them as well. My gut sense of things is that finances are not the stress on a marriage, but rather disagreement over the mismanagement of finances is.

In your posts, I just see some possible red flags that look to me like you two might be being set up for some unnecessary stress on your relationship that you will regret years from now. I see the question of living in the same apartment or not as secondary to making decisions and plans that will strengthen your relationship and set it up for success in the future.

Even venerable ascetics fall to sexual temptation when the situation makes it easy and desirable, even very old ones. If you are wise, you will not presume yourself stronger that they.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:

So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

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Bad idea. You are setting yourself up to stumble and fall. Living with bf, gf before marriage even if you remain pure takes on the appearance of evil.

I tried to pm you about this cause I didn't want this to get controversial but I can't figure out how, so here goes nothing I suppse...

Your situation is kind of like me and my wife's was. We met online, fell in love, and as much as this may upset some people, moved in together before we got married. The thing is, God was still with us every step of the way, I know he put us together, but in time, we DID feel guilty for not being married, and DID see signs that he was pushing us to be. I don't however think it was because he puts any stock in a piece of paper issued by the government or a ring.

I think marriage is issued by God, governments didn't even have anything to do with it for most of jewish history it was purely religious. But see, other christians? They'll judge you for it, you'll lose your witness over it, and THAT is why I think we need to play the game and get the piece of paper etc.

But honestly, if God put you two together you are probably already married in his eyes, you need to know in your spirit FULLY that this man and you are willing to put Jesus at the center of EVERYTHING. Try to be together by your own efforts and it always gets sticky. But you know, for all the people saying "Get married first cause if you have sex God'll strike ya with lightning!" By those same standards if you get married and it was wrong and then later need a divorce, well he'll strike you with lightning for that too.

You need to do what you believe God wants, and both together say "God if this is meant to be, make it happen YOUR way" wait for signs, wait for confirmations, tell him you won't move forward until you can tell what HE wants.

Hello Symph, and welcome (back) to CF.

Just wanted to let you know, you'll have the option to send and reply to pm's when you pass the post/like threshold. I think you need 25 posts and 5 likes, then you'll be able to.

Please let us know if you have any other questions, and again, welcome to CF!

Symph said:

I tried to pm you about this cause I didn't want this to get controversial but I can't figure out how, so here goes nothing I suppse...

Your situation is kind of like me and my wife's was. We met online, fell in love, and as much as this may upset some people, moved in together before we got married. The thing is, God was still with us every step of the way, I know he put us together, but in time, we DID feel guilty for not being married, and DID see signs that he was pushing us to be. I don't however think it was because he puts any stock in a piece of paper issued by the government or a ring.

I think marriage is issued by God, governments didn't even have anything to do with it for most of jewish history it was purely religious. But see, other christians? They'll judge you for it, you'll lose your witness over it, and THAT is why I think we need to play the game and get the piece of paper etc.

But honestly, if God put you two together you are probably already married in his eyes, you need to know in your spirit FULLY that this man and you are willing to put Jesus at the center of EVERYTHING. Try to be together by your own efforts and it always gets sticky. But you know, for all the people saying "Get married first cause if you have sex God'll strike ya with lightning!" By those same standards if you get married and it was wrong and then later need a divorce, well he'll strike you with lightning for that too.

You need to do what you believe God wants, and both together say "God if this is meant to be, make it happen YOUR way" wait for signs, wait for confirmations, tell him you won't move forward until you can tell what HE wants.

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Don't marry if you don't know the person . Get to know them and see if you like them without living together where you are alone privately much of the time. Atleast meet often in public places where there are lots of people because you have more control to follow your convictions