We can't really afford to, neither of us can. It will take us about a year to save up and plan. That's just the way it's going to have to be. Might even take two years.
First of all, I am assuming that you are certain he is the person you should be marrying, and that family and friends are happy with him and no red flags are showing up. If you have doubts or if your family or friends have concerns, that would speak to the question of whether or not to even be engaged. What I write is assuming you and family and friends are comfortable that he is good marriage material and the right person for you.
What decisions will make the most sense for the long-term health of your relationship? There are the things that *seem* pressing right now. But perhaps looking back at them 10 years from now would seem unimportant. The key is making choices that you will look back at and be happy about and that will set you up for a healthy relationship. Part of this is avoiding things that will cause unnecessary stress on your relationship. The question I would have is this, what decisions right now will give you the strongest possible marriage 10 or 20 or 30 years from now?
Learn from people who've been through it. There's the advice from peers and the generational comfort level (where we get used to what we see in people around us) that seems reasonable. Then there's the advice of people who've lived the aftermath of their decisions for decades. All couples are different, but if something causes a lot of experienced couples who've been married for decades to tangibly react and say, "don't do that!", it's wise to listen.
I have my doubts that indefinite engagement periods are healthy for Christian couples. My experience and the experience of many others is that this ultimately causes a lot of unnecessary stress on a relationship. Whether in the same apartment or not, most couples will find time to be alone; especially in an indefinite engagement. The reality is that most Christian couples in an indefinite extended long-term engagement will usually end up creating artificial standards about what is and is not physically appropriate to be doing. At some point, "rules" like "no kisses more than 5 seconds long", "no hugs longer than 5 seconds", "no touching this or that", will become the way most Christian couples try to deal with mounting physical attraction. And then there's the inevitable frustration and guilt when a kiss or two or more go 6 or 7 seconds. God wired us in such a way that it is natural to want to snuggle with our beloved partner and to become closer and closer physically over time. Extended and indefinite engagement periods mess this up. Instead of the physical attraction being something enjoyable, it becomes a source of frustration and guilt and problems and resentment. One person thinks 5 seconds is the max for a kiss; the other thinks 10 seconds is okay. The 10 second person will lovingly acquiesce to a 5 second limit but at some point will get frustrated at always stopping at the 5 second timer. A few 7 or 8 second kisses and the 5 second person will potentially feel forced and frustrated and guilty. One person accidentally (or "accidentally") touches something off limits and guilt ensues. A few years of mentally viewing this normal physical attraction as sin and figuring out how to avoid it will affect how you view it when you get married. You don't simply turn off a year or two of tying negative emotions to physical attraction overnight. Some couples take years or more to get over it.
I'd also tend to advise against long-term engagements for another reason. Having kids is stressful on a a marriage, especially when they are younger and require a lot of time, and finances usually take a hit. Being married an extra year or two or more (instead of being in a non-married limbo land of engagement for a few years), is a chance to establish a stronger relationship before more stress hits when kids arrive. Also, kids and forms of birth control are things that both partners should be in agreement over.
There are many other things that can stress a relationship. Finances are often a big one. One thing that too many couples embrace (which they should be avoiding like the plague) is financial bondage. Overspending on stuff (be it new furniture, appliances, too big of a house or apartment, new versus used car, an expensive honeymoon, or fancy wedding, etc.) will result in financial difficulties. The stuff might be nice, but the stress it causes when bills cannot be paid, or one or both partners needing to work overtime to pay it off damages the relationship. My firm opinion is that all couples need to sit down and seriously have a plan how to deal with 2 things: 1. how to have a positive annual cash flow, and 2. how to pay off any debt as quickly as possible. Unless one or both partners are independently wealthy or have extremely high paying jobs (and living in a low cost of living part of the country), I don't think any couple today can make it financially without living well below their means. I do not see existing debt before a marriage as a problem. What I see as a problem is if a couple does not immediately start laying out concrete plans (on paper using realistic!!! numbers) to make sure they will indeed have a positive cash flow and can pay off existing debt. If they don't have the numeric skills for this, they probably have some relative or friend who could help. Many churches have financial counselors or access to them as well. My gut sense of things is that finances are not the stress on a marriage, but rather disagreement over the mismanagement of finances is.
In your posts, I just see some possible red flags that look to me like you two might be being set up for some unnecessary stress on your relationship that you will regret years from now. I see the question of living in the same apartment or not as secondary to making decisions and plans that will strengthen your relationship and set it up for success in the future.
