Good idea or no? Help!

Hammster · Aug 3, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
No offense, but the "appearance of impropriety" doesn't really matter. God knows the truth. That is what matters.

Biblically it does.

“Abstain from all appearance of evil.”
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:22‬ ‭

Grandpa2390 · Aug 3, 2017

Hammster said:
Biblically it does.

“Abstain from all appearance of evil.”
‭‭1 Thessalonians‬ ‭5:22‬ ‭

Make that a sermon to the Romans, the Corinthians, and a mention to the Thessalonians.

Romans 14-15
1 Corinthians 8-9
and of course 1 Thessalonians 5:22

Robert76 · Aug 3, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

I'm leaning the same way as @Hammster on this, and want to commend both of you on your desire to stick to Christian morals and do what is right. God will provide as it relates to expenses. If you haven't already, look to start the process of premarital counseling with the pastor where you go to church. They will help with identifying potential compatibility issues and also give you good biblical guidance as you two prepare for this new exciting chapter of your lives. Also, congratulations on your engagement! God bless.

PeaceB · Aug 3, 2017

If you shack up you will have sex, and the chance of you breaking up before marriage will increase.

Rome has spoken.

GandalfTheWise · Aug 3, 2017

If you are planning on getting married and have committed to it, I'd suggest starting premarital counseling with your pastor, and get a date set. The reality is this, God made our emotions and makeup to be such that we should draw closer and closer to our spouse over time as we get to know each other and spend more time with each other. When we put arbitrary timelines onto it (such as we'll get married in a couple years after graduation or whatever), we create a situation where we seriously disrupt the natural process of getting closer and closer and getting to know each other. It's normal to want to snuggle with your spouse, and then more and more. Creating a situation where this is delayed and conflicted for a long time is going to mess with all of this.

I've seen a lot of people who think that particular milestones (graduation, getting a job, paying off student loans, etc.) need to be completed before marriage. But, why do these need to be completed first? Why not get married and then finish school or whatever as a married couple helping each other to do it? This may or may not be right for this situation, but it is worth thinking about.

RaymondG · Aug 3, 2017

You seem to have doubts about moving in together. Those doubts are for a reason. I would listen to your heart. Anything done not in faith is sin. If you were totally confident about moving in, there would be no questions.....since there are questions, the answer is you probably shouldn't.

Sketcher · Aug 3, 2017

If you two somehow manage to avoid sleeping together, people in the world as well as people in the church will assume that you are sleeping together. I don't see that as glorifying to God.

Light of the East · Aug 3, 2017

While you are at it, why not douse yourself with gasoline and sit around and light matches?

You are playing with fire (hell-fire) to be living together before you marry.

OrthodoxLady1994 · Aug 3, 2017

Obviously, there are concerns. We know it's a risk, that's why were trying to think the next step through before we rush into anything. Seriously though, if we did share an apartment, we'd be sharing an apartment, that's all. If others assume more than that, that is their problem. I don't really care what people in general think of me. I care what God thinks of me, what he (my fiance) thinks of me, and what our family and friends and people who actually know and love us think of us.

"...He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world." John 4:4

2Timothy2:15 · Aug 3, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
We can't really afford to, neither of us can. It will take us about a year to save up and plan. That's just the way it's going to have to be. Might even take two years.

Here is breaking news, no one is able to avoid it lol Get married, do not ruin what you have established by putting yourselves in a compromising position no matter how much of a rock either of you think you are.

~Anastasia~ · Aug 4, 2017

Hello and welcome to CF!

As you know, it is the sacramental marriage in the Church that matters. These don't have to have the tens of thousands of dollars of costs associated that some people spend on weddings. Of course the reception will cost money, and you'll likely want some things - maybe a wedding dress and rings - that will cost some, but from what I've seen, a beautiful Orthodox wedding doesn't have to cost nearly as much as your typical venue wedding.

Many times the Church will have items you might be able to borrow - tablecloths, vases, etc. - and if the fellowship hall has a kitchen they may well be able to let you borrow some things associated with the food, so especially if it is prepared on-site you can save a bit. And so on.

As to living arrangements - please don't live together, just for the sake of saving money. Some priests won't even marry couples if they are living together without counseling and rectifying that situation. I am not sure, but Church canons may have something to say about that.

My daughter is in the position of saving money for her future as well. She has two female roommates, and her young man lives a couple of miles away with two male roommates, so the money situation is no different living apart. That would allow you to save money at the same rate without putting yourself in the way of temptation or tempt others to think evil of the situation.

And there is some wisdom in marrying sooner, as long as your plans are sure with the young man. There's no real reason to wait in that case, unless it involves being sure not to have children too soon if you're not able to provide for them yet.

I hope you find the way that works. Again, welcome to CF, and God be with you!

nonaeroterraqueous · Aug 4, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
For the actual wedding ceremony. I'm about to graduate from university, I have loans, he has GI Bill Benefits thankfully, but will be stuck with part time work until he can get through school, and when we start out, teachers have little to no job security year to year.

Which is more important, your wedding or your marriage? I see people shack up and then have a magnificent wedding, only to return home to the same living arrangements they already had, and there's nothing special about it. Grander weddings don't make for happier marriages.

My wife and I were married poor. We thought we didn't have enough money to get married, but we did it anyway. Our church was nice enough to provide for a lot of it, and I'll be thankful for it to the day I die. They all really chipped in. It was still a poor man's wedding, for sure, but you know, it's been a wonderful marriage.

Couples who live together before marriage have a greater chance of breaking up. Someone will probably contradict me, but a marriage counselor I happen to be related to put the divorce rate at eighty percent for people who live together before marriage. The fact that you would consider it at all makes me think you might already have that mindset. How special, how sacred is marriage to you? The more casually you come together, the more casually you will fall apart.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
No offense, but the "appearance of impropriety" doesn't really matter. God knows the truth. That is what matters.

The appearance of impropriety is an impropriety. You lead by example. If you don't take a visible stand for the right thing, then you're part of the problem, contributing to the demise of an already crumbling culture. Try wearing that one as a badge on Judgement Day: the bushel that hid the light.

Anhelyna · Aug 4, 2017

OrthodoxLady

You've been given a lot of advice here - some good , some not so good.

Would you permit me to add to it ?

I was a student when I met my husband to be - he was as well and we were hundreds of miles apart. We saw each other occasionally but wrote letters and phoned each other when we could. [ wrote letters ?- you can tell it was a long time ago now it would be emails and Skype ]We got engaged after 4 years and our engagement lasted 1 year.

We had also decided we would not have relations till we were married but on the odd weekend we could see each other the temptation was really really great I can't imagine how we would have coped if living in the same building even though not the same room.

Get married as soon as you can - your Church insists on Marriage [ Crowning ] taking place in Church - the ceremony is really beautiful and it brings home what marriage is. It doesn't have to be a big wedding - you two , and your witnesses and a few guests - but then you know you are married and your new life together has started. A civil wedding in the eyes of your Church is NOT marriage - you would be living in sin and all that entails.

Once you are more stable, financially, after your Church Crowning you can have that big party everyone wants/expects.

timewerx · Aug 4, 2017

Hammster said:
Don't live together. In fact, don't even be alone together if you can help it. And if you're serious about getting married, do it quickly.

I'm not sure but since it's Long Distance Relationship. It might help if they get to see each other more often.

They don't have to live together under one roof. People can turn out different once you're actually seeing each other in person or even living together under one roof. It may help to make sure they're marrying the right person.

timewerx · Aug 4, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship

Due to the long distance relationship, it might actually help a lot for the two of you to get to know each other in person first. This could mean moving to the same state or even living together.

You have to make sure you're marrying the right person. I know the temptation might be high but it's a risk to take. You want no surprises later on once you're married. It would be good know everything you can about him before marrying him which mean seeing him in person a lot more often!

Blade · Aug 4, 2017

Bless you sis... there is something that God gave us that ...yeah its nature. You THINK you can be strong.. where do you think that thought came from? Think about.. it pops up....and..yeah.. we can be strong enough/

But please hear me.. your adults. The flip side is.. some have done it.. sure you get tempted. But GO to church keep praying.. pray together.. keep JESUS on your mind always. Makes you wonder how people stayed together with out a piece of paper huh Paper or not.. its the both of you before GOD making a VOW.. you become one. Out of our bellies show flow living waters.. LISTEN to that voice in side you.. You dont have to ask.. this is really between you and him and God.

Mountainmike · Aug 4, 2017

Just get married in a simple wedding!
And enjoy life!

The sacrament matters, and the people there witnessing, the trappings do not. Cameras are so good now, friends can be the official photographer, and take just as good photos, A buffet meal is a massive saving, particularly if you prepare the food! Don't saddle yourselves with a massive debt, use the money to create a better home, and you are less likely to have financial problems which are a cause of many relationship problems.

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

NothingIsImpossible · Aug 4, 2017

This is one of those things where its a double edged sword. If you marry but don't feel close yet since you haven't spent much time together, it could end in divorce. But if you don't marry and live together, you likely will end up having sex (are you both virgins?). Everyone says they will avoid the temptation but its not often people actually end up avoiding it. At some points temptation takes over and before you know it you had sex and are full of guilt. I know from experience.

Maybe one way you could do it is you have two places but each live with other people. For example you would live with other women, thus saving money. And he would live with other men. This way you can save and be close, but not so close that temptation plays a big role.

Or if you truly feel you must move in together, I'd have 1-2 other people living with you. And on your bedrooms I'd remove the doors. This way you cannot enter the others room and close the door and invite even more temptation. And if you two roomates leave, one of you should leave also since being alone is another temptation. But obviously there will be times when you are stuck together and all it takes is once for sex to happen.

This is really why marriage is the default option. This way if sex happens, at least your married. The risk of divorce is a better risk than the risk of sex before marriage. Which also could lead to a split since once you got the milk, you no longer need the cow. Meaning once you have sex, you may feel you don't need to marry because what would be the point. Sure you could marry later but trust me, the guilt will follow you around your whole life that you had sex before you married. Again, assuming the marriage lasts.

Maybe you should both take some time to do some fasting so you can get a clear message from God on what to do. If you believe in fasting of course. Because we can give you answers but what He says is really the only important answer. Just know the difference between Him speaking and your own mind speaking.

Friend-of-Jesus · Aug 4, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
So my fiance and I have been together for a little over a year now and known each other for 6 years. Right now it's a long distance relationship with us living in different states but, one day soon it won't be. As soon as he can afford it he's moving to my hometown to be with me and then we're planning to get married and move together out of the state I am currently in. When he does move here, we're considering whether to live together to save costs or get two separate apartments for that year or two where we'll be building our financial reserves and planning the wedding.

He and I both feel very strongly that we do not want to sleep together (or with anyone) until we are married, I know him and he would never force or pressure me into it, thankfully we have the same ideals about this since he is a Christian too. Still, we know that if we move in together it will be more tempting, but it would also allow us to save costs and figure out how compatible we are when we share living space. We have also considered taking a friend of mine in as a roommate to act as a 3rd source of income for expenses and an accountability partner to hold us to our promise to each other that we would wait.

I don't know, right now I just don't know what to do.

Have you met him in person? What if he's ugly and a maniac???

OzSpen · Aug 4, 2017

OrthodoxLady1994 said:
We can't really afford to, neither of us can. It will take us about a year to save up and plan. That's just the way it's going to have to be. Might even take two years.

Orthodox,

Can he board with (stay with) a church member? In Australia that's generally a cheaper way to live while you are single and saving for the future.

There is too much temptation to have sex if you live together. However, there is the very significant factor: 'Say no to every kind of evil' (1 Thess 5:22 NIRV).

When people see you 2 living together as single people, what are they to think? Defacto relationship? I don't consider it a sound Christian witness for 2 singles to be sharing a house together.

Oz

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