Good Clean Random Jokes 2

[Alessandro]

<P class=chiste align=left>
Two women ran into the court of King Solomon, fighting. "My daughter was to marry this man, but this woman claims that the man was to marry HER daughter!" one of them yelled. "There is a simple solution," said the King. "I shall cut the man in two and each of your daughters can have a piece." "Fine by me!" said the first woman. "No, don't, I would rather let the other girl marry him than that!" cried the second. The King didn't hesitate for a minute. "Fine." he said. "The first woman my have him." "What?" protested the other? "She wanted him cut in two!" "Indeed." said the king. "She shows the true spirit of a mother-in-law!"

“Doctor, doctor!” said the panic-stricken woman, “my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he’s swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?”
“Quite simple,” said the doctor calmly. “You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband’s mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite – haul it out.”
“Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I’ll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod’s head.”
“What do you want a cod’s head for?”
“Oh- I forgot to tell you. I’ve got to get the cat out first!”

Q. How do you get a blonde to laugh on a Monday morning?
A. Tell her the joke on Friday night!
(Please do not take offence to any of these)

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them – and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly.
“What’s it taste like?” asked the cook.”
“Glue!”
“Then it’s apple pie – the plum pie tastes like soap.”

Doctor: You need Glasses
Patient: How did you know?
Doctor: I could tell, when you walk through the window!

"Doctor! Doctor! Everyone’s ignoring me!"
"Next please!"

If quitters never win,
and winners never quit,
who made up the saying?
Quit while you're ahead!

"Sam, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”

A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.
There was a pause before a&nbsp;student raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."

Q. What did one strawberry say to the other?
A. "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!"

A woman went in to cash a check at a currency exchange
The clerk asked her: "What type of check is this?"
The lady responded: "An unemployment check."
The clerk responded: "Oh well; then we will need a work number on here for verification".

"I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin," the
Mother said. "Where is he?"
"Well," her son replied thoughtfully, "if he knows as much
about canoeing as he thinks he does, he's out canoeing. If
he knows as little as I think he does, he's out swimming."

Q. What is a conservative?
A. A conservative is an X-liberal that got mugged.

A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked, "Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said, "yes". "Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman

The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?
Doctor: Yes, that is true.
P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?
D: Yes, that is also true.
P: So, in average, I live normally.
* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!

* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!

* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!

* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.

* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!


I'll be back with more

 

[Alessandro]

I have refined the post, sorry for any inconvenience.

 

[onecrazycowgirl]

Hehe!

Those are good Allesandro!

 

[Alessandro]

I'm happy you liked them, I'll work on the presentation next time though

 

[Alessandro]

Here are some more, enjoy

A Preacher, a Priest and a Rabbi are playing golf and discussing the various ways they work out the split of the collection plates.
The Pastor says, "At our church, we draw a 3 foot wide circle on the ground and throw the money straight up and whatever lands outside the circle, I keep and the rest goes to God".
The Priest, thinking himself a little more pious, says, "We use a one foot wide circle, we also throw the money and whatever lands inside the circle goes to me and the rest goes to our Father up in Heaven.
Then, they both look at the Rabbi. The Rabbi says, "Alright, already! We in the Synagogue are a little different; we never got so fancy-chancy as you, with the circle thing. However, we do throw the money high up in the air and whatever God wants; . . . he keeps".

(This is not to offend or insult, I just found it funny).

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

Dave and Tom are fishing on a lake. After about an hour when neither of them had a bite, Dave decided to row to the middle part of the lake; where they were very successful TOM: This is a great spot for fishing Dave we'll have to mark this spot so we can come back here tomorrow.
DAVE: I know, we'll put an X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
TOM: Don't be silly Dave that's no good we might have a different boat tomorrow.

Knock-Knock
Who's there?
Alex
Alex who?
Alex plain later!

A woman who ran to the mall for a quick errand lost her purse, but an honest teenage boy returned it to her. The woman looked inside her purse and remarked, "That's strange. Earlier I had a $20 bill inside, but now it's gone, and instead I see two fives and a ten." "That's right," the boy explained, "the last time I found a lady's purse, she did not have change for a reward."

I'll be back with more later.

 

[panterapat]

A Jewish family wondered what carreer their son might take, so they set up a test for him. On the table inside the door they put three items- Scriptures, a glass of wine, a ten dollar bill. They reasoned that when their son came in the door and he picked up the Scriptures he would be a Rabbi. If he picked up the wine, he would be a connisour(sp). If he picked up the money, he would be a businessman.

In walks the son. He picks up the Scriptures, drinks the wine, and takes the ten dollar bill. His parents looked horror stricken and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, he's going to be a Catholic priest."

Patrick
BTW- I'm Catholic

 

[caley]

Bill Gates dies. At the gates of Heaven, God comes to him and says "Well, normally I don't do this, but you are a very important person. I'm going to give you a choice between Heaven and Hell. Let me show you both before you make your decision.

So, God gives Mr. Gates a tour of Heaven. It's the classical picture of Heaven, people sitting on clouds strumming harps, etc. It is very nice.

Then, God takes him to Hell. It's a 24-hour rock n' roll party! Drunkenness and promiscuity, all with no negative consequences! Free beer runs like water from the tap!

Then, back at the gates of Heaven, God asks Mr. Gates which he will choose. "Well," says Mr. Gates, "Heaven looks great and all, but I think I'm going to have to go with Hell. That place was crazy!

"Alright," says God with a smirk. "See you around."

Bill Gates gets to Hell, and it's the classical picture of Hell, with fire, eternal torment, et al. He calls on God, saying "Hey! What happened to the beer and the women!?"

"Oh, that," says God, the smirk growing on his face. "That was the demo version."

 

[Alessandro]

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian.
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book."

(Again please do not take offence to these)

 

[caley]

Rene Descartes walks into McDonalds and orders a cheeseburger.

"Would you like fries with that?" asks the guy behind the counter.

"I think not," says Descartes, and disappears.

 

[Alessandro]