Going through family issues

[QuietBeauty]

Hi everyone, I've been feeling alone lately because I haven't really talked about this issue with anyone and it is driving me crazy inside. So here's the story:

My husband and I moved in with his mother due to financial issues (We no longer live there). I didn't even know her that well so it was very nice of her to let me stay there for a few months. At first, things were great. However, Things soon took a turn for the worse. I noticed she was very hot & cold towards me - One minute she seemed to really like me (Giving me gifts, etc.) and the next minute she would completely ignore me. I was a bit confused but I just decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because we are both trying to get to know each other. Instead of that getting better - It sort of got worse. One morning she woke up and talked only to my husband but ignored me and did not say one word to me. This is when it really started to bother me. I've asked her several times if it was anything I did wrong or if she was okay but she would always brush it off, coming up with excuse after excuse. The ignoring went on and on and every time I would tell my husband about it - He would brush it off also. I started to feel like maybe everything was just in my head and I started to feel crazy. So The situations that sort of pushed me over the edge was she started going in the bathroom when my husband was in the shower (The shower is see through). She would Squeeze his bottom and one night she was folding the laundry and she shook her underwear in my husband's face. I was so upset and so uncomfortable but I just prayed inside for God to give me strength because at this point I had enough. I never once said anything to her because my anger would have taken over and I would never want to disrespect her. I talked to my husband about it and we finally moved out. I confronted her about it and let her know why we moved out so suddenly but she didn't acknowledge my feelings nor did she really apologize for her actions. A few weeks later I messaged her telling her that I love her and I want a relationship with her but she sent me back a nasty email basically saying that she doesn't have time for me, turning the situation back around on me saying that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I poured out my love to this woman (Trying to show her God's love by just forgiving her) , telling her I love and miss her AFTER she did all this crap to me and she never once said she loved me too. My husband confronted her about the email and she STILL never apologized.

I just want to know from you guys- Am I crazy or dramatic? Did I do anything wrong? How do you forgive someone who never apologized to you?

 

[SeekingGod2]

Weird stuff. Ok now that's out of the way.

To your question, forgiveness is not a transaction. It is not predicated on having received an apology. I didn't ask Jesus to die for my sins, and then he did it. No. He died for my sins regardless of whether I received his forgiveness and thanked him for it. If forgiveness is transactional, then the moment the other person stops feeling sorry, we stop being so forgiving. You give the gift of forgiveness freely. Whether you want to, have the grace to, or know if you can is up to you.

 

[ravindraneee]

The whole story is so weird. But I think you did the right thing. While it is not easy, it was the right thing to do. That is, show your love and forgiveness.

 

[ValleyGal]

"Forgive us our sins as (to the same extent, in the same way) we forgive those who sin against us..."
If we want God to forgive us our many sins, we need to forgive others - in the same way and to the same extent that we are willing to forgive others. For this reason, forgive her for your own sake and because you love the Lord Jesus, not because she asks.

And then have a frank discussion with your husband about why his mother has been so inappropriate with him.

 

[Mudinyeri]

Forgive her. Forget your feelings about how she treated you. Move on with your life ... perhaps after having the discussion with your husband that @ValleyGal suggested.

I wish I could bottle and sell my ability to disconnect my happiness from how others treat me.

 

[QuietBeauty]

Thank you all so much for the replies , I appreciate it greatly!!

 

[Greg J.]

People and cultures (and subcultures) can be so different, and then there's all the strange things that can affect us over the years (especially the sins of others). I don't know what labels a psychiatrist might use to describe her behavior, but I think that if it will help you deal with her, it is safe to think of her as ill. From what you describe she either is trying to be erratic and uncivilized toward you due to something long-term you are not aware of (probably not something you did) and/or she is experiencing a certain level of detachment from reality (a psychosis).

... She would Squeeze his bottom and one night she was folding the laundry and she shook her underwear in my husband's face.

Did you ask your husband how he interpreted these things, or what they meant to him?

Note that nearly everyone experiences their own versions of detachment from reality, but most of us switch on behavior that society deems normal when we are with people. Because you were in her space, she might not have felt such a strong need to do so. (Not that it is pertinent, but it might be educational to see how she treats you outside her home in the presence of a non-family member for whom she has a certain degree of respect.)

Having said all that, after forgiving her in your heart, your responsibility in the future is just to be yourself. Being respectful of one's elders doesn't mean always smiling, or even mean never being angry. Neither does it always mean you should "just take it" and pretend it's not happening. The accountability you have for your behavior is to God. Pray for him to give you spiritual perception of other people and the knowledge, wisdom, and inner strength to deal with, withstand, accept, and love all kinds of people and their behaviors—a nice quality to have which will pay off the rest of your life.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

Hi everyone, I've been feeling alone lately because I haven't really talked about this issue with anyone and it is driving me crazy inside. So here's the story:

My husband and I moved in with his mother due to financial issues (We no longer live there). I didn't even know her that well so it was very nice of her to let me stay there for a few months. At first, things were great. However, Things soon took a turn for the worse. I noticed she was very hot & cold towards me - One minute she seemed to really like me (Giving me gifts, etc.) and the next minute she would completely ignore me. I was a bit confused but I just decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because we are both trying to get to know each other. Instead of that getting better - It sort of got worse. One morning she woke up and talked only to my husband but ignored me and did not say one word to me. This is when it really started to bother me. I've asked her several times if it was anything I did wrong or if she was okay but she would always brush it off, coming up with excuse after excuse. The ignoring went on and on and every time I would tell my husband about it - He would brush it off also. I started to feel like maybe everything was just in my head and I started to feel crazy. So The situations that sort of pushed me over the edge was she started going in the bathroom when my husband was in the shower (The shower is see through). She would Squeeze his bottom and one night she was folding the laundry and she shook her underwear in my husband's face. I was so upset and so uncomfortable but I just prayed inside for God to give me strength because at this point I had enough. I never once said anything to her because my anger would have taken over and I would never want to disrespect her. I talked to my husband about it and we finally moved out. I confronted her about it and let her know why we moved out so suddenly but she didn't acknowledge my feelings nor did she really apologize for her actions. A few weeks later I messaged her telling her that I love her and I want a relationship with her but she sent me back a nasty email basically saying that she doesn't have time for me, turning the situation back around on me saying that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I poured out my love to this woman (Trying to show her God's love by just forgiving her) , telling her I love and miss her AFTER she did all this crap to me and she never once said she loved me too. My husband confronted her about the email and she STILL never apologized.

I just want to know from you guys- Am I crazy or dramatic? Did I do anything wrong? How do you forgive someone who never apologized to you?

Quietbeauty:
Are you serious here?
His mom would squeeze his butt when he would be showering and he didn't
give her the "what for"?
What's up in the family!?

And why would you think you're the one who is crazy or being dramatic?
It's not acceptable behavior for that to go on between mother and son.

One misstep I see is that your husband should of confronted his mom
about her coming into the bathroom and squeezing his butt!
The way you have worded it, it sound like it didn't happen just once?
Is this correct?

There's something not right in the family, straighten out these
problems now not later!
Talk with your husband about what has gone on and that it can't
continue on like that.
If you need counseling don't hesitate to seek it asap!

As for forgiving someone who doesn't apologize? I have found the most
forgiveness I have had to extend was to people who weren't sorry.
You give the situation to the Lord and you move on with him one step at
a time. Renew your mind on scriptural truths to help bring those wrong thoughts
into submission.
I have to do this lots myself.

 

[dhh712]

Hi everyone, I've been feeling alone lately because I haven't really talked about this issue with anyone and it is driving me crazy inside. So here's the story:

My husband and I moved in with his mother due to financial issues (We no longer live there). I didn't even know her that well so it was very nice of her to let me stay there for a few months. At first, things were great. However, Things soon took a turn for the worse. I noticed she was very hot & cold towards me - One minute she seemed to really like me (Giving me gifts, etc.) and the next minute she would completely ignore me. I was a bit confused but I just decided to give her the benefit of the doubt because we are both trying to get to know each other. Instead of that getting better - It sort of got worse. One morning she woke up and talked only to my husband but ignored me and did not say one word to me. This is when it really started to bother me. I've asked her several times if it was anything I did wrong or if she was okay but she would always brush it off, coming up with excuse after excuse. The ignoring went on and on and every time I would tell my husband about it - He would brush it off also. I started to feel like maybe everything was just in my head and I started to feel crazy. So The situations that sort of pushed me over the edge was she started going in the bathroom when my husband was in the shower (The shower is see through). She would Squeeze his bottom and one night she was folding the laundry and she shook her underwear in my husband's face. I was so upset and so uncomfortable but I just prayed inside for God to give me strength because at this point I had enough. I never once said anything to her because my anger would have taken over and I would never want to disrespect her. I talked to my husband about it and we finally moved out. I confronted her about it and let her know why we moved out so suddenly but she didn't acknowledge my feelings nor did she really apologize for her actions. A few weeks later I messaged her telling her that I love her and I want a relationship with her but she sent me back a nasty email basically saying that she doesn't have time for me, turning the situation back around on me saying that I need to take responsibility for my actions. I poured out my love to this woman (Trying to show her God's love by just forgiving her) , telling her I love and miss her AFTER she did all this crap to me and she never once said she loved me too. My husband confronted her about the email and she STILL never apologized.

I just want to know from you guys- Am I crazy or dramatic? Did I do anything wrong? How do you forgive someone who never apologized to you?

You can't make everyone like you. I think the only thing that might be crazy about this is if you were to continue to pursue a relationship with her. The woman seems to have made it clear--she does not want to interact with you (not saying she is in the right for feeling that way, but it is what it is). And you DON'T forgive people who do not apologize to you. To forgive implies that someone apologized to you. If there is no apology, a repenting of an action, there is no forgiveness. You can hold nothing in your heart against this woman, but until she apologizes, there is no forgiveness going on.

I'd drop it. Until God softens her heart, there is no use in casting pearls before swine. Continue to treat her kindly if you do run into her again. But I would under no circumstances make any efforts to reach out to her again. She has made it clear she does not want this from you. You would be wise to drop it.

 

[QuietBeauty]

You can't make everyone like you. I think the only thing that might be crazy about this is if you were to continue to pursue a relationship with her. The woman seems to have made it clear--she does not want to interact with you (not saying she is in the right for feeling that way, but it is what it is). And you DON'T forgive people who do not apologize to you. To forgive implies that someone apologized to you. If there is no apology, a repenting of an action, there is no forgiveness. You can hold nothing in your heart against this woman, but until she apologizes, there is no forgiveness going on.

I'd drop it. Until God softens her heart, there is no use in casting pearls before swine. Continue to treat her kindly if you do run into her again. But I would under no circumstances make any efforts to reach out to her again. She has made it clear she does not want this from you. You would be wise to drop it.

Thank you for your reply, It helped me alot!

 

[QuietBeauty]

Quietbeauty:
Are you serious here?
His mom would squeeze his butt when he would be showering and he didn't
give her the "what for"?
What's up in the family!?

And why would you think you're the one who is crazy or being dramatic?
It's not acceptable behavior for that to go on between mother and son.

One misstep I see is that your husband should of confronted his mom
about her coming into the bathroom and squeezing his butt!
The way you have worded it, it sound like it didn't happen just once?
Is this correct?

There's something not right in the family, straighten out these
problems now not later!
Talk with your husband about what has gone on and that it can't
continue on like that.
If you need counseling don't hesitate to seek it asap!

As for forgiving someone who doesn't apologize? I have found the most
forgiveness I have had to extend was to people who weren't sorry.
You give the situation to the Lord and you move on with him one step at
a time. Renew your mind on scriptural truths to help bring those wrong thoughts
into submission.
I have to do this lots myself.

She didn't squeeze his bottom while he was in the shower - She goes in the bathroom while he is in the shower. She did squeeze his bottom a couple of times before, yes. Thank you so much for your reply, It gave me great insight and helped me so much!

 

[QuietBeauty]

People and cultures (and subcultures) can be so different, and then there's all the strange things that can affect us over the years (especially the sins of others). I don't know what labels a psychiatrist might use to describe her behavior, but I think that if it will help you deal with her, it is safe to think of her as ill. From what you describe she either is trying to be erratic and uncivilized toward you due to something long-term you are not aware of (probably not something you did) and/or she is experiencing a certain level of detachment from reality (a psychosis).


Did you ask your husband how he interpreted these things, or what they meant to him?

Note that nearly everyone experiences their own versions of detachment from reality, but most of us switch on behavior that society deems normal when we are with people. Because you were in her space, she might not have felt such a strong need to do so. (Not that it is pertinent, but it might be educational to see how she treats you outside her home in the presence of a non-family member for whom she has a certain degree of respect.)

Having said all that, after forgiving her in your heart, your responsibility in the future is just to be yourself. Being respectful of one's elders doesn't mean always smiling, or even mean never being angry. Neither does it always mean you should "just take it" and pretend it's not happening. The accountability you have for your behavior is to God. Pray for him to give you spiritual perception of other people and the knowledge, wisdom, and inner strength to deal with, withstand, accept, and love all kinds of people and their behaviors—a nice quality to have which will pay off the rest of your life.

Thank you for your reply! I really appreciate it!

 

[tickingclocker]

She obviously is suffering from something. Maybe from something she can't put into words or understand (or is even afraid to find out). Pray for the Lord to open her heart--to anyone--with the Gospel message. Not just to you and your husband. Doesn't matter who leads her to the Lord, as long as she gets there.