Going out with unbelievers

[Bunnymedic]

I was just writing because I seem to be struggling with the issue of going on dates or hanging out with non-believers.

I have promised myself that I would not be in a relationship with someone who is not a christian,
But,recently I have been getting lonely and with no good prosective christians to date,I have been 'hanging out' with guys that I know aren't.

It starts out like this...
I meet a good looking nice guy with some personality and positive traits.
I tell myself 'no' because he is not a believer.
Time goes on,and as I get to know him and he keeps asking me to go do something with him.
So I say to myself "what the heck,we can go out as friends right?""It's not like I have anything better to do this weekend"
But,then of course they want more.....

why oh why do I even bother...

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I was just writing because I seem to be struggling with the issue of going on dates or hanging out with non-believers.

I have promised myself that I would not be in a relationship with someone who is not a christian,
But,recently I have been getting lonely and with no good prosective christians to date,I have been 'hanging out' with guys that I know aren't.

It starts out like this...
I meet a good looking nice guy with some personality and positive traits.
I tell myself 'no' because he is not a believer.
Time goes on,and as I get to know him and he keeps asking me to go do something with him.
So I say to myself "what the heck,we can go out as friends right?""It's not like I have anything better to do this weekend"
But,then of course they want more.....

why oh why do I even bother...

The Bible clearly states not to unequally yoke yourself with unbelievers. However, the "believers" that I have been with have seved me no better in a relationship than most non-believers. And often times I have found that many non-believers have possessed more attributes conducive towards fostering successful relationships than most Christians I know. I'm as confused as you are but until God produces some Christians that are different from the run of the mill variety that are currently available I'll go with my gut instinct.

 

[~Nikki~]

I have the solution. Don't get to know the non-Christian guys in the first place.

I used to have guys wanting to go out with me, and when I wasn't interested then they'd say "Well ok, just as friends then". They always hope they can change your mind at some point. So after learning this I decided I wasn't going to hang out with any guy one on one who wasn't a Christian, because what was the point of getting to know him, getting his hopes up, getting to like him if I was going to have to break it off at some point because I couldn't be yoked with an unbeliever.

Also, many people I've known have come unstuck because they thought they could handle it, ended up falling for the guy and doing stuff they promised they never would, and then either ending up in a difficult relationship, or emotionally screwed up from having to walk away from a guy they had fallen for and gone too far with physically.

IMO it's best not to even entertain the thought of hanging out with them in the first place. Best to try and find other things to do to fill your time.

God bless.

 

[AceHero]

I think unequally yoked dating can be a sort of Trojan horse—you don't realize it's dangerous until it's too late. Your faith has been attacked.

One of my best friends, a Christian, is going out with a non-Christian (as I see it). Now, she's a very nice girl, and they seem to be great for each other, but I'm just afraid somewhere along the road she's going to try to compromise his standards. And, unfortunately, sometimes that decision determines if the relationship goes on or not.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I have the solution. Don't get to know the non-Christian guys in the first place.

I used to have guys wanting to go out with me, and when I wasn't interested then they'd say "Well ok, just as friends then". They always hope they can change your mind at some point. So after learning this I decided I wasn't going to hang out with any guy one on one who wasn't a Christian, because what was the point of getting to know him, getting his hopes up, getting to like him if I was going to have to break it off at some point because I couldn't be yoked with an unbeliever.

Also, many people I've known have come unstuck because they thought they could handle it, ended up falling for the guy and doing stuff they promised they never would, and then either ending up in a difficult relationship, or emotionally screwed up from having to walk away from a guy they had fallen for and gone too far with physically.

IMO it's best not to even entertain the thought of hanging out with them in the first place. Best to try and find other things to do to fill your time.

God bless.

My ex-h was not a Christian when I started dating him. I had never been out with a Christian. I fell in love, I compromised. We were close to breaking up and he became a Christian. It didn't stick and now my kids have no father. Isn't this a good enough reason not to date a non-believer?

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

I would wait on God and not compromise because it will be hard for you to get out if you get feelings for the guy. Believe me, it is much easier being single then it is going through a heartbreak. IMO anyway.

 

[~Nikki~]

As a follow on from my last post, I just wanted to add that at age 29 there were still zero prospects in sight.

Just as one of the other posters said, even the Christians were the same as the non-Christians in terms of being relationship potential...but then one day this guy walked into our church and now we're married. He was different from everyone else, and really truly is amazing and the man that God had lined up for me. He's the most godly guy I know, the one who will do whatever it takes to be pleasing to God, and he'll be a fantastic dad as well as being a great husband.

There were times when I thought I'd never meet anyone, but I'd decided that was ok because it was better to have *no one* than to have *someone*. I didn't just want *someone*. He had to be the right person or no-one at all. And about the time I became comfortable with being single forever, I met my dh. And he was worth the wait. Don't compromise...wait for the right person. It's worth it in the long run and saves on a whole lot of heartache that other people are having to suffer daily.

God bless...

 

[Deliberatetourist]

As a follow on from my last post, I just wanted to add that at age 29 there were still zero prospects in sight.

Just as one of the other posters said, even the Christians were the same as the non-Christians in terms of being relationship potential...but then one day this guy walked into our church and now we're married. He was different from everyone else, and really truly is amazing and the man that God had lined up for me. He's the most godly guy I know, the one who will do whatever it takes to be pleasing to God, and he'll be a fantastic dad as well as being a great husband.

There were times when I thought I'd never meet anyone, but I'd decided that was ok because it was better to have *no one* than to have *someone*. I didn't just want *someone*. He had to be the right person or no-one at all. And about the time I became comfortable with being single forever, I met my dh. And he was worth the wait. Don't compromise...wait for the right person. It's worth it in the long run and saves on a whole lot of heartache that other people are having to suffer daily.

God bless...

Yeah I can kind of relate to that. When I was younger I was holding out for that special someone. I met her and married her. Now....all these years later and single again it's really depressing because I realize that a "special someone" desn't exist at my age. There are simply gals that are acceptable and those that aren't. I realize that any kind of life as such is going to be a major comprimise on some grounds so I've martialled my forces in the areas where I wont comprimise and often over-comprimise in the other areas. Man I hate the 30's.

 

[Catholic Wife]

When I was your age, I heard my biological clock ticking. I compromised my beliefs and dated (then later married) a man who wasn't a Christian because I felt I was "running out of time". I compromised my core values and paid a heavy price for it by getting divorced (especially all the financial and emotional troubles that come with it).

This time around, I gave my decision to date and marry (or stay celibately single or become a nun) to God. I gave Him a list of qualities I wanted in a man -- no compromising! What I got is a wonderful husband who meets all my non-negotiables (especially being Christian/Catholic).

Hold fast in the Lord and trust that He will lead you to the right man at the right time (even if it means getting married at the age of 37, like I did).

 

[SonicBOOM]

I was just writing because I seem to be struggling with the issue of going on dates or hanging out with non-believers.

I have promised myself that I would not be in a relationship with someone who is not a christian,
But,recently I have been getting lonely and with no good prosective christians to date,I have been 'hanging out' with guys that I know aren't.

It starts out like this...
I meet a good looking nice guy with some personality and positive traits.
I tell myself 'no' because he is not a believer.
Time goes on,and as I get to know him and he keeps asking me to go do something with him.
So I say to myself "what the heck,we can go out as friends right?""It's not like I have anything better to do this weekend"
But,then of course they want more.....

why oh why do I even bother...

hey

I think we must veiw someones charecter and not their beleifs, Jesus said that you will reconize them by their fruits and also that there will be many who say "lord lord" and you know the rest, remember at the core "Christain" is just a label. I have seen alot of ungodly Christains and have seen alot of Godly "pagens"

always look at their charecter first, this is someone you might give a part of yourself to, be very wise when you pick someone, surely things go deeper than if the person wears the christain label or not right?

 

[Deliberatetourist]

hey

I think we must veiw someones charecter and not their beleifs, Jesus said that you will reconize them by their fruits and also that there will be many who say "lord lord" and you know the rest, remember at the core "Christain" is just a label. I have seen alot of ungodly Christains and have seen alot of Godly "pagens"

always look at their charecter first, this is someone you might give a part of yourself to, be very wise when you pick someone, surely things go deeper than if the person wears the christain label or not right?

As I have stated before.....with the divorce stats hovering at 50%(same as non-Christians) for born again married couples, what apparent advantage is there to marrying a Christian? Something to think about.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

As I have stated before.....with the divorce stats hovering at 50%(same as non-Christians) for born again married couples, what apparent advantage is there to marrying a Christian? Something to think about.

Because that's what we're supposed to do. I really doubt these statistics are specific for born-again-as we know there are lots of people who identify themselves as Christian because they believe in God. That doesn't mean they live anything like a Christian.

I would really like to encourage you to wait on God in the area of gf/future wife. I think that God can bless us in our 30's, 40's, or 80's. Don't compromise in this area. There's no reason why you can't find someone who shares your beliefs and love. I'm turning 40 next month. If my bf is not the right one for me I'm going to keep on looking and praying, but I'm not going to settle for less just because I'm middle-aged now. :o

 

[SonicBOOM]

Because that's what we're supposed to do. I really doubt these statistics are specific for born-again-as we know there are lots of people who identify themselves as Christian because they believe in God. That doesn't mean they live anything like a Christian.

I would really like to encourage you to wait on God in the area of gf/future wife. I think that God can bless us in our 30's, 40's, or 80's. Don't compromise in this area. There's no reason why you can't find someone who shares your beliefs and love. I'm turning 40 next month. If my bf is not the right one for me I'm going to keep on looking and praying, but I'm not going to settle for less just because I'm middle-aged now. :o

yeah, it's better to live alone than to live with someone who evil to you when they are supposed to be loving to you

 

[abrown625]

this is just my opinion but I do not think that you should deny a relationship of any sort with someone just because they don't believe. It is very possible that God put him into your life to show him the Christian way. He just may not have had anyone in his life before to show him all of the true blessings of being a Christian and having God as a part of his life. I don't think it is fair to deny a relationship with someone because they have not yet been shown what a true beauty it all is. I have so many friends that are non-believers....I just make it a point to make sure that I share with them all that God has taught me over the years...if they still choose not to believe that does not make them any less Gods child...it just means that God has not specifically touched them and taught them what they need to know. It isn't their fault....it is highly possible that you are supposed to be "that person" that introduces God to them in the most positive light.

Well...good luck to you.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

yeah, it's better to live alone than to live with someone who evil to you when they are supposed to be loving to you

So we are to automatically assume that just because they are not saved that they are prone to evil intentions? Brother I have buddhaist neighbors on each side and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Especially any number of Christians I've known over the years. My neighbors are kind, courteous, never steal from you, and always keep a lookout on my place when I'm not around. Christians do NOT and never have held a monopoly on moral behavior. I have said it in the past and I will say it again now that I have observed pagan people who have more attributes condusive towards relationship success than very many Christians I have known over the years. Yes God says that we are not to be unequally yoked but we shouldn't stereotype non-Christian people nor should we assume that all people who fall under the category of even "born again" believers would make good mates just at face value.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

this is just my opinion but I do not think that you should deny a relationship of any sort with someone just because they don't believe. It is very possible that God put him into your life to show him the Christian way. He just may not have had anyone in his life before to show him all of the true blessings of being a Christian and having God as a part of his life. I don't think it is fair to deny a relationship with someone because they have not yet been shown what a true beauty it all is. I have so many friends that are non-believers....I just make it a point to make sure that I share with them all that God has taught me over the years...if they still choose not to believe that does not make them any less Gods child...it just means that God has not specifically touched them and taught them what they need to know. It isn't their fault....it is highly possible that you are supposed to be "that person" that introduces God to them in the most positive light.

Well...good luck to you.

No, it is their fault. If they are presented with the information and choose to reject it they are rejecting God and Hell is their choice.

I have many non-Christian friends and it is our responsibility to spread the gospel by word and deed to those we come in contact with. That does not mean we are to enter into a dating relationship with a non-Christian. We are not to be yoked with a non-believer. How is it fair to date someone and have them possibly fall in love with you and you tell them, "sorry I can't marry you because you're not a Christian." I don't think that is showing Christ's love by breaking someone's heart.

My bf's pastor mentioned that he didn't think that it was wrong to date a non-believer as long as the relationship didn't get serious and boundaries were very strict. I'm not someone who can do that and I know I'm not the only one. There are wonderful people out there that I could fall in love with who are not Christian so I can't date them.

 

[Weasel7711]

I get the same way when I havent been with a girl for a while, I start to reason away my limits until I would pretty much date anything that moved. I never have actually acted upon it, I just have to keep reminding myself that it would be a really bad choice to get into a relationship with a non believer. Even if shes beautiful and we seem to go well together.
Sometimes things seem to work out just well enough so that there's no way I can date the girl, just when I am about to make the choice to persue it. I guess God has a way of knocking me upside the head like that.

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

Without reading the posts... Let me just say, that I have had many relationships, despite my age... and most non christian relationships. I know some would argue that christian relationships are the same, but I bet to differ. I am in a massively serious relationship right now with a wonderful christian man. I can tell you that the difference becomes, When I have a problem, he leads me straight to God. When I am hurting, He leads me straight to God. When our relationship is hurting, he leads me to God. When I ask him who's first in his life, it's evident that it's God. I am NOT first in his life... and I respect that, because God is first in mine. Not to mention, there is a special bond that christian couples have that non christian couples don't. I'm sorry that you are confused. I will be praying that you can begin to understand how important a christian relationship is, there are still conservative christian men out there, that will love you no matter what. I agree with the lady that said don't get to know these non christians in the first place, but if you must, be firm in your boundaries by saying no to going on dates with them. It will serve you well. Also, make sure God is first in your life.

 

[superfly]

i have 2 things to say:


firstly, dating is wrong, don't do it.

dating is really just another form of deception. the reason given is, "to get to know the other person better." why can't you do that in a normal friendship? a relationship is supposed to be a prelude to marriage - you shouldn't go into a relationship unless you are intending to marry the person. if you go into a relationship for any reason other than this, you are deceiving both yourself and your partner.

i got to know my gf as a friend first. we were both very open to each other, and shared a lot of our lives with each other, just as friends. in fact, we didn't like each other romantically in the beginning either, it grew on us. so when it came to that moment where we decided to get together, it was because we were intending on getting married.


secondly, DO NOT go out with non-christians

what don't you understand about the verse "do not be unequally yoked"? paul is quite plainly saying that you should not marry (and therefore, by the above definition, go out with) non-christians. ask the multitude of christians who decided to ignore that and go ahead and marry non-christians. they regret it now.

your central focus of your relationship with your spouse should be God, not each other. the personal focus of each of your lives should be God. if you marry (or "date") a non-christian, then your focus of your relationship is not God. bad idea, that's not the way it was meant to be.


your frustration

i feel your frustration, believe me i do. when i turned 25, and i wasn't in a relationship, let alone married, i really started to wonder if i ever would. just as i was about to give up, God in His goodness and perfect timing dropped my darling into my lap.

leave it up to God. afterall He is in charge of everything, and His timing is perfect. that's what i did. i just said, "Lord, i'm giving this to you. i know that everything happens in Your good time, so finding a wife will happen when You want it to happen." lo and behold, guess what i got? a future wife!


some good books to read:
- i kissed dating goodbye
- the relationships revolution
- guidance and the voice of God

 

[ByLoveAndGrace]

i have 2 things to say:


firstly, dating is wrong, don't do it.

dating is really just another form of deception. the reason given is, "to get to know the other person better." why can't you do that in a normal friendship? a relationship is supposed to be a prelude to marriage - you shouldn't go into a relationship unless you are intending to marry the person. if you go into a relationship for any reason other than this, you are deceiving both yourself and your partner.

i got to know my gf as a friend first. we were both very open to each other, and shared a lot of our lives with each other, just as friends. in fact, we didn't like each other romantically in the beginning either, it grew on us. so when it came to that moment where we decided to get together, it was because we were intending on getting married.


secondly, DO NOT go out with non-christians

what don't you understand about the verse "do not be unequally yoked"? paul is quite plainly saying that you should not marry (and therefore, by the above definition, go out with) non-christians. ask the multitude of christians who decided to ignore that and go ahead and marry non-christians. they regret it now.

your central focus of your relationship with your spouse should be God, not each other. the personal focus of each of your lives should be God. if you marry (or "date") a non-christian, then your focus of your relationship is not God. bad idea, that's not the way it was meant to be.


your frustration

i feel your frustration, believe me i do. when i turned 25, and i wasn't in a relationship, let alone married, i really started to wonder if i ever would. just as i was about to give up, God in His goodness and perfect timing dropped my darling into my lap.

leave it up to God. afterall He is in charge of everything, and His timing is perfect. that's what i did. i just said, "Lord, i'm giving this to you. i know that everything happens in Your good time, so finding a wife will happen when You want it to happen." lo and behold, guess what i got? a future wife!


some good books to read:
- i kissed dating goodbye
- the relationships revolution
- guidance and the voice of God

I can relate to that same feeling of frustration and as I gave up on the dating world, and and asked God to take over, look where it landed me God should be first and foremost the most important in your life.