God's will? or obsessive?

[mirly22]

does anyone else struggle with obsessing over whether or not doing something is in God's will?
my boyfriend and i have been together for 7 months and things are going well. being with him has taught me so much about myself and my faith. throughout the relationship i have struggled with what i think is ROCD - i've been going to counseling at my college, and most of what we've been talking about has to do with the relationship... and my "all or nothing" thinking, as my counselor calls it.
but right now i seem to be obsessed with thinking that maybe God wants my boyfriend and i to break up.
it might seem silly, but i feel like it's skewing my understanding of God and my faith in Him. my boyfriend and i started on the wrong foot with our physical relationship, but we are working SO hard to stay pure, i pray for him, he prays for me, the relationship has challenged us both to be completely honest with another person... i used to believe God's timing was completely in the orchestration of our relationship, and that he was a gift in my life.
i obsess over the idea that God "gives and takes away," and with the story of Abraham and Isaac... sacrificing something you love to show God that He is your One and Only. i know He does give and take away... and so then i start to think maybe He does want us to break up and i'm just not understanding His purpose, and then when i do break up with my boyfriend i'll somehow suddenly see what God wanted me to see all along.
but the relationship is wonderful... i love my boyfriend and he loves me, and is teaching me so much about faith in God. he pushes me spiritually and encourages me not to put the relationship first or put faith in our relationship with one another, but to make Jesus my number one. it's been amazing, and we're truly wonderful together.
so there's just no reason for me to feel this way.
i guess i should say that i've also struggled with HOCD (fear of being homosexual) and it made its way into my faith as well... for a while i believed maybe God was calling me to a life of homosexuality so that i could show the world you can be a Christian and be gay, so maybe i should just admit it and then i'd finally fall into God's purpose for my life.

these obsessions are very unnerving... i feel as though God is calling me to do something and i just don't understand... and i don't know whether it's the obsessiveness talking or truly God asking me to do something. i don't even know how to pray to Him anymore.

i guess my question is... does anyone else struggle with this type of obsession? and is it even an obsession at all?

thank you in advance! sorry it's a little long.

 

[tripletiger1200]

I haven't struggled with obsessions like that, but I do know that God is not the author of confusion. I think if He is calling you to do something it will be pretty clear. Just pray and ask Him what He would like you to do.

 

[Paige_something]

I have struggled with this before, and I know how stressful it can be. But remember that trains of thought fueled by fear and trains of thought fueled by faith are completely different. Fear feels overwhelming, and condeming.

God loves you completely, and in this time, draw close to Him and remind yourself of His perfect love which which casts out fear. I recommend listening to a couple of worship songs by a band called 'Jesus Culture' - in particular, songs such as 'One Thing Remains', 'Your Love Never Fails', 'How He Loves Us', 'You And I romance', and 'Your love is everything'.
Also, check out The Bible verses Matthew 11:28-30. I like how it is written in The Amplified bible, and also in The Message Bible.

Try to put this worry to one side at the moment because the confusion of it all is preventing you from seeing things through eyes of faith. Instead, focus on Jesus Christ, rediscover Him as your First Love. If you need to spend a couple of days completely on your own with God to do that, then i encourage you to! He loves spending time with you, because He created your heart in a way where you are at home in His Presence.

Also, if you go to Church, then maybe meet up with someone there who you can trust, and who you know is mature in Biblical wisdom, and discuss with them how you are feeling. I know that can be scary, but i meet up with my youth leader from church to talk about the issues in my life, and i find it a reall encouraging time where she pours God's grace and wisdom into my life.

Literally give this situation to God, continue walking with Him, and He will let you know His will as you focus upon Him. Rest and relax in Him. It will all turn out amazingly, because He is your amazing, loving Father

 

[kaykay9.0]

I can't know God's will for your life for sure, but I can tell you this sounds 100% like just OCD. OCD fears seems to often, very often operate by telling us that God wants us to give up something very important to us. Not that this never happens such as with Abraham and Isaac, but I think in those cases it is usuallly clear to them that it IS God speaking. Secondly, again, I don't know how to emphasize enough that the "having to give someone or something up" kind of theme is so VERY, VERY common with OCD. Hope this brings some clarity to you because I strongly suspect it is OCD not God causing you to wonder about this.

 

[mirly22]

thank you all so much for replying, i really do appreciate the support. now i just need to decide whether or not to tell my boyfriend. i know guilt is also an extremely common part of OCD. i just haven't been officially diagnosed, and i was so relieved when i found these boards that i sort of self-diagnosed. i really should stay away - checking here is one of my compulsions. but my boyfriend knows about all of my anxiety, he knows that i'm going to counseling and he knows that most of my anxiety is relationship-based, and he knows that sometimes i "question" (i.e. obsess) about my sexuality even though i know i'm straight... he knows all of that. just not that i've found these boards or that my symptoms may be attributed to OCD. but he knows about my history. just... it's like for some reason i feel like i'm hiding something, even though i'm not really. i wonder if that falls into the scrupulosity aspect of OCD. anyway.
thank you so much for your replies, i am glad to know that this is a fairly common theme.

 

[bess30598]

mirly,

I want you to know you are SO not alone! I ended a budding relationship with a great guy this summer because of a fear that God was asking me to. Like others have said, it's not my place to inform you for sure what God's will is for you, but from someone who has been there, I want you to be aware that when I broke things off, I did NOT feel better or more obedient. 2 months later I still don't believe in my heart that I followed God's will in giving up this relationship - at the same time, though, the anxiety I had when the relationship was still progressing was more than I could bear. It was affecting my ability to function. There was no actual 'conviction' in my heart that the relationship was out of God's will, and like your case, it actually was a VERY Godly thing! But I couldn't shake the worry that it wasn't God's will, and the more blissful things got, the worse my anxiety. And the more I tried to reason it away, the more miserable I became. The hard thing about OCD and God's will is that we can't put God in a box. I personally don't struggle with compulsions such as washing my hands 10 times an hour because for things like that, I'm able to put my foot down and say "no, I don't need to do that and I'm not gonna do it." (I understand others aren't capable of this and can't help it...but I'm just talking about for me.) But when it's about God's will, it's like you can't put God in a box. You can't tell God what He can and can't do/ask/command. So it's like a never-ending area of shifting sand because you can't dig your heels in quite so easily. You always want to be sensitive to what He's telling you, but to be sensitive is to invite in ALL types of compulsions, especially in an area of anxiety (which for me, is relationships). One thing that aggravates and makes OCD worse is probing into every little feeling of anxiety or not-rightness, trying to decide what's causing it. which leads to obsessive thinking and worrying. So for me (and maybe this is how it goes for you), I'm in this relationship, and it's really important to me, but I'm not guaranteed to keep it; there is always some risk of loss. The more important this guy becomes to me, the more afraid I become of losing him. Well my relationship with God is most important in my life -- what He commands, I must do. So basically, I am always at risk of God asking me to break up with this guy because, well, that could happen (like you, I often thought about Abraham and Isaac). So at the very first twinge of anxiety or lack of peace, immediately my mind begins searching and analyzing to try and determine if this is God telling me to break it off with this guy. And the harder I try and reason it away, the worse my anxiety becomes. It's bad. But I just want to encourage you that God is in control. This thought often brings me peace, and honestly from someone who went through with it and actually broke it off with the guy, I'll tell you that rather than feeling like I obeyed God, I actually feel like I obeyed my fear. Rather than being compelled by the love of Christ, I feel like I was compelled by nothing other than my lack of trust in God. I want to encourage you that you are not alone and just, like other people have already said, really hold on to Christ's love. That's what is meant to compel us to obedience! Not fear! I hope everything turns out ok! I'm saying a prayer for ya!

Bess

 

[kaykay9.0]

wow, Bess, your above post is VERY insightful!! Sorry you kinda felt like you had to learn that lesson the hard way but thanks for sharing that. It is helpful to remember that there is a difference between obeying God and obeying your fear(s).

 

[mirly22]

Bess - thank you so much for your reply. you sound so similar to me it's scary. as said above, remembering that there is a difference between obeying God and obeying fear is really helpful, and i think that is what is holding me back from going through with it. when i have felt like God is calling me to do something in the past, i've always known it's for my good and, even if i've been reluctant, i've gone through with it... but with this it feels different. it is a fear... the more important my boyfriend becomes to me the scarier it all is... the prospect of losing him, of losing the relationship, of God one day taking him away from me or me away from him. you're right about the putting God in a box thing. we can't. and it's scary.
but lately i've been encouraged by the fact that He truly does love each and every one of us, and i've been trying to sit in that instead of in my fear.
thank you again, bess. i hope things turn out well for you. i'll be praying for you as well.

 

[bess30598]

I'm glad to know I could be of encouragement to you! Thanks so much for your prayers.