Giving it up for good?

[berry2000]

Well it's been almost 3/4 a year now. Entering into my mind is the idea that I may have quit for good. The thought of never cutting again is a bit scary. I'm not sure why. I should feel happy, I think. But instead I feel like I may have lost something (like grief). I don't know if this makes any sense to anyone out there. Just wanted to throw it out there. I mean giving it up for good is a good thing right? Perhaps I'll keep doing like I'm doing and keep thinking short term. LIke not forever just the next urge and so forth. Cuz thinking forever feels weird.

 

[samdro87]

Thinking of never doing it again scares me, too. I have quit before, but I always seem to start up again. I am currently in the process of quitting again, but "for good" seems too daunting for me- and even though it isn't a healthy habit and I know that I need to stop, I know that I will also miss it...I have become attached, and it seems almost like a friend to me. I was in a program a few years ago called "SAFE Alternatives". A nurse there said to me once, "don't think about it as, 'I'm never going to do this again', because that's too much to take, and you're probably not going to be able to say that and mean it. Instead, wake up in the morning and say, 'today, I am not going to self-injure.' And just do that every day. Pretty soon, you'll realize that you've gone a long time." I think that's good advice - one day at a time. "Never again" is daunting and almost depressing. I can't really commit to forever, but I think I can commit to today - and if "today" is every day, then pretty soon, it is forever. Hope that helps, or at least lets you know that you're not the only one who feels that way about it.

 

[chloeobrien]

I recently decided I was going to give it up for good, and it is hard. I threw away the tool I was going to use one night and there was much saddness and grief, still is from time to time. I know EXACTLY how you feel. You really have to take it one day at a time, and one urge at a time. Its alright to have mixed emotions about giving it up for good, I hear its normal to feel that way (a friend who recovered from SI told me that). If you need or want someome to talk to feel free toPM me if you want to talk moer often than just on t he site let me know and I'll give you my sn or e-mail.

 

[mamalonglegs]

One day at a time is good. Looking at eternity is baffling to the human mind. It's kind of like riding my bike in North Dakota. I could see my destination for up to two or three hours before getting there. Very depressing especially in the wind they have there.

It isn't weird to think your losing something special or going through grief because you are. Listen to these two [quotes] "...hurting yourself probably feels soothing to you. We sometimes call S.I. the 'wounding embrace' because people us it to comfort themselves at the same time."
and....this person writes, "I am afraid to give up this behavior, because I think it somehow keps me feeling in control." (BODILY HARM by Karen Conterio & Dr. Wendy Lader.) Do you relate to these. Go ahead and grieve. Take one day at a time. Trust those who wish to reach out to you.
I am here just pm me and so are the others who offered. That's what we are here for..... each other.
mamalonglegs

 

[berry2000]

Thanks for the replies. I guess I am going to have to go ahead and grieve the loss. It seems ridiculous to greive the loss of something so "bad" for me. But for whatever reason....it feels like I am losing something. Something that was indeed comforting and it is scary to try and face the world without that security blanket nearby. I guess I am taking steps...why is this process so incredibly hard?

 

[KittyKorner06]

I have no idea what I'm doing. It seems to come and go. 'Forever' does feel like a very long time.

 

[mitiog]

It's always hard when we experience change, even if it's losing something that we want to get rid of. In a way SI can become a "friend", something that has always been there when time are hard and to make a conscious decision not to use it requires courage, so well done for taking that step. I think that it is natural to feel a bit daunted at the prospect of "never" and possibly excited at the new found freedom not to cut. I still count the days and even though it's been a long time I still have to make a daily choice to get through each day without the razor blades. "Not today Lord" is a fequent prayer.

mitiog

 

[mamalonglegs]

Go ahead and start grieving my friend. It is part the process of letting go of something that you have used actually to protect yourself. S.I. is used to put controls on emotions and feelings that at one time the person doing it didn't know how to deal with them. S.I. was a way to release the tension and physiologically it gave a temporary high. I trust that you have found other ways to take care of yourself and or that S.I. doesn't work any more or that you know it isn't the answer.
Let it go. Cry if you have to. Write about the big hole it may leave. Slowly you will be replacing that behavior with much more pleasing things, healthy and happier ways of dealing with no guilt or regreats. No scars either. Pretty cool. Draw, doodle, have a funeral. Write about what your life is going to be like without S.I. you might give yourself something to look forward to. Use that as a way to say "good bye."
mamalonglegs

 

[Soulwings]

I know what you mean, Berry. I've gone for *nearly* 3 months without it, and contemplating the fact that I'm quitting it for good - I've attempted to quit before but always failed at two or three weeks - is a terrifying thought, one on which I can't let myself dwell. It does seem odd to grieve for something so very scary to the "normal" person, something so potentially dangerous and unhealthy, but ... go ahead and grieve. Because you are losing what felt like a good friend - just remember that SI wasn't a good friend at all, but more an enemy, leaving you tattered and scarred. It's not a friend that you want to embrace and welcome back. You're free now without it. Remember instead what you are going towards instead of what you're leaving behind you. And if there are any positive aspects to what SI has given you - for example, it helped me mature, although not in a way that I would recommend to ANYONE! - think about those. I hope some of what I said makes sense. Take care of yourself and stay strong.

 

[momgreenlady]

It is ok to be scared and to even grieve. For me it was like losing my best friend. It was the one person that was there for me at any time of day through any situation. In time that feeling will lesson and you will begin to find that friendship in God and others. Let yourself feel what you need to and don't hold back, it is ok! I am now to a point where I can't even get myself to pick the knife up, so there is hope and a future!!!

 

[berry2000]

Thank you all. Yes I have received such encouragment by this thread. Soulwings, you post spoke a lot to me..mostly that you do indeed understand where I am at and man that helps a whole lot.

One of my counselor says when I hit 1 year we are going to go out and celebrate. It doesn't seem all that far off just a few months.

A year... wow...after 7 years of this. Now that is the power of God.

 

[Soulwings]

I'm glad I could help, in any way. I do very much understand where you are, and know that if you need to talk about anything, I'm here, and my PM box is always begging for messages.

It's definitely a wow for me too... I've only been an SIer for 2 years but it feels like eternity; I can't imagine what it must feel like for you. And now you're getting better - what a cause for celebration! Even if at times it doesn't feel like something you should celebrate, it most certainly is. You're regaining your life from this overbearing punk of SI. Yey!

/me bounces.