Give Up on Our Marriage?

[coppertopranch]

I know the topic of giving up in a marriage has come across this site several times, but each situation is different and I would like a little help with mine.

Background:

• Me - 33 y/o male, once previously divorced w/ no children
• Spouse - 39 y/o female, 3 times previously divorced w/ 4 children total (21, 17, 12, 7) and at least one from each previous husband.
• Started dating October 2010 & married September 2011
• Separated as of March 2013
• Recently made new as a Christian (October 2013) - not sure of spouse's status
• Restraining order against me since September 2013 & renewal trial next week
• Spouse lives in marital home with two youngest, her oldest and the oldest's infant daugther, 2 adults who used to live next door and their 2 young children (10 & 6)
• I live with family in same city
• All bills except automobile gas, food, miscellaneous, and utilities are paid for by me. This includes mortgage for home, insurance, auto payments and other debt payments.
• Hearing next week to try to have spouse take over mortgage, her auto payment, and some other debt payments.

Prior to the separation in March we had several issues. We were both physically and verbally abusive to each other. I more so. We both had baggage from childhood and previous marriages that we didn't fix before entering our marriage. We were seeing non-Christian counselors together as well as separately prior to the separation also. With not much progress mind you. We went to church, but I dare say we weren't living a Christian life. That has changed for me and I have found a new life in Christ. I do not know where she is at since I have been unable to communicate without lawyers for the past year.

She filed for divorce last October, but never followed through with it. I'm not sure exactly why she didn't. I waited a few months to see if she would come around and want to stay married, but to no avail. I decided to file in March this year to get things rolling again. She never responded to the court until the default judgment was about to be decided and then finally got a lawyer. I decided to withdraw the paperwork and hopefully settle out of court. She has not responded to any communication from my attorney since he sent the initial request to try arbitration, which was June. I filed for an interim order to have her take over the mortgage, her auto loan and a few debt payments we have. Hearing is next week as mentioned above. I have had no direct communication with her since October last year. And really there hasn't been any through the attorneys either.

Now where I am hoping for guidance is whether I should go forward with a divorce or hang in there and pray God works a miracle. As I said, we have been separated since last March and for the few months after, when we could still communicate, she was not receptive to working things out. She still gladly allowed me to pay for all the bills during this time, but I was not welcome in the marital home. I understand her reasons and don't disagree with her response to my pre-seperation actions. I was not a stellar husband by any means (depression/anxiety/anger issues).

However, I know I have come such a long way in working on my issues and learning what it means to be a Christian husband & father. My pastor and some of the elders in the church have commented to me that they have seen a drastic change in me for the better. As any sinner, I am a work in progress. I struggle daily to follow God's Word, but it is the first thing I think of in any situation now. I have felt like the Holy Spirit is telling me to hang onto what little hope I have left, but I struggle to not just end it now. I KNOW once she works her issues through (if she hasn't already) and she realizes I have worked adamantly on mine that we could make the marriage work.


I don't care what the Bible says about divorce in the legal sense and how or when it is okay to divorce. I am just trying to figure out whether I should hang onto what little we have left. I understand we all have free will and she has a right to go whatever direction her heart takes her. I find myself with 3 options:

1. Go through with the divorce and stay committed to the covenant I made with God regarding "'til death do us part" and not seek a future wife.
2. Go through with the divorce and possibly marry sometime in the future.
3. Stay married and hope she sees the change in me is permanent which could lead to us reconciling.

Honestly, I have been and am still leaning to hanging in there, but every day is a struggle to not just give in. I know I made mistakes and the things I did could justify a divorce. I certainly wouldn't hold it against her and would chalk it up to being shown earthly consequences.

Thank you for any information/advice you could give me. God bless you all for even taking the time to read this.

 

[ValleyGal]

There is a fourth option. You could go through with the divorce which would free you from the financial burdens and allow her to move on if she chooses - and still pray for reconciliation if that is truly what you want. Getting the divorce would certainly enable you to also move on into your own place and start on with life from a new [Christian] perspective, including whether you want to stay single, reconcile with this woman, or eventually move on to someone else.

 

[dayhiker]

copper - that's quite a situation you find yourself in.

Why is she divorcing so many men?
Is she just after child support?
I doubt she will have any interest in reconciliation when she is getting that much money from you.
Did I read it correctly that you don't have a child with her?

If you get back together that's when the test of the work Christ has done in your heart will really be tested.
I don't see how she will she how much you have changed till you live in the same house again.

I'd say give it more time. Find out what you need for a judge to take down the restraining order. Would seem to me she can't keep it going forever.
I don't see why you should pay for all her expenses when your two aren't living together. Keep us informed.

 

[coppertopranch]

There is a fourth option. You could go through with the divorce which would free you from the financial burdens and allow her to move on if she chooses - and still pray for reconciliation if that is truly what you want. Getting the divorce would certainly enable you to also move on into your own place and start on with life from a new [Christian] perspective, including whether you want to stay single, reconcile with this woman, or eventually move on to someone else.

That is a good choice as a fourth option. I keep thinking about whether I would be strong enough to continue praying for a reconciliation after the divorce. I worry that I might want to just move on and date again in the future. And maybe there is nothing wrong with that. I guess it comes down to my personal knowledge of God's law on divorce. I've read the extensive arguments both for and against divorce on CF, but I'm still not 100% sure I have decided what is the truth when it comes to God's Word. I understand God hates divorce, but I also personally see divorce as acceptable to Him. No matter what I decide, I just hope I am doing what God wants me to do.

 

[coppertopranch]

Why is she divorcing so many men?
Is she just after child support?
I doubt she will have any interest in reconciliation when she is getting that much money from you.
Did I read it correctly that you don't have a child with her?

Her first was when she was very young, 18 I think. He was a drug addict and abuser and eventually went to prison for drugs, so she divorced him. Second husband filed for divorce and sole custody of her 2nd daughter when she was in stationed in Korea for the Army. She lost custody and eventually went through with the divorce. Third husband sexually molested her oldest daughter for 3 years until she walked in on it. She divorced him when he went to prison for 5 years.

I met her 2 years after that event. She was very broken and I thought I could be the one to "rescue" her. I tend to do that. Something I'm working on with my counselor. She really had issues with trust and I didn't exactly put them all to rest either. My fault and something I'm not proud of but learned from.

She is only getting child support from her last husband and for the two younger children. She is actually paying child support for her middle daughter. She will be getting no child support from me since we don't have children together and I didn't adopt her two youngest. And I suppose she wouldn't need/want to reconcile when I'm supporting her financially.

If you get back together that's when the test of the work Christ has done in your heart will really be tested.
I don't see how she will she how much you have changed till you live in the same house again.

I agree that she would never really see the true change until we lived together again and I doubt that will happen. I just got a call from my lawyer's office about the meeting we were supposed to have with her and her attorneys tomorrow. She apparently doesn't even want to be in the same building together. That hurt. Apparently she is definitely not in the mood to reconcile yet. Oh well.

All in all, life is good though. I am justifiably paying for the mistakes I made during our marriage, so I'm not really bitter about my situation. It's just punishment for my sin here on earth. I can accept that. As long as I keep my eyes on God, all will be well. If only God could tell me whether I should keep giving it more time or to move on.

 

[ValleyGal]

That is a good choice as a fourth option. I keep thinking about whether I would be strong enough to continue praying for a reconciliation after the divorce. I worry that I might want to just move on and date again in the future. And maybe there is nothing wrong with that. I guess it comes down to my personal knowledge of God's law on divorce. I've read the extensive arguments both for and against divorce on CF, but I'm still not 100% sure I have decided what is the truth when it comes to God's Word. I understand God hates divorce, but I also personally see divorce as acceptable to Him. No matter what I decide, I just hope I am doing what God wants me to do.

I won't debate the issue, but the Bible only says God hates divorce in the English translation. Further studies of Hebrew and Greek yield otherwise. Not only that, but God himself divorced Israel and gave her a certificate of divorce....he then pursued Judah only to find her worse than Israel, so he took Israel back. I do not believe that God expect us to do more than he himself did. Iow, God divorced as a last resort. He even went pursuing someone else, then returned to his first. God would not expect more from us.

Remember, too, that God can take a nasty situation, he can take a terrible thing and he can turn it around and use it for his own purpose. Even something as terrible as sin can be used to demonstrate his mercy, his grace, his glory. He's in the business of transformation.

 

[coppertopranch]

Remember, too, that God can take a nasty situation, he can take a terrible thing and he can turn it around and use it for his own purpose. Even something as terrible as sin can be used to demonstrate his mercy, his grace, his glory. He's in the business of transformation.

I would whole-heartedly agree with you here. I would never have come to the Lord if it wasn't for the bad things that happened. I guess I am just holding out hope for my spouse to have that transformation as well. And maybe it is a bit selfish to hope for that...because in the end I hope we would get back together if that were to happen. But I'm now trying to think more about just her salvation by coming to Christ, rather than whether or not we get back together because of it. She is a wonderful woman who is just very broken and hurt. I pray for her every day to find peace in her life and to see that Christ is the only way to find it.

Thanks for your wisdom and time here. God bless you!