Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[public hermit]

Probably the best thing to do is frame your question in such a way that it allows for one to give bad advice. Oh wait, that's good advice. Sorry.

I just realized I have ten toes but don't seem to use them all. Any advice for using all my toes?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Threaten to prune them if they don't pull their load. Works for tree branches.

Speaking of trees, how can I make my Japanese Maple happy?

 

[public hermit]

Japanese Maples love Zen koans. Just stand in front of it and repeat, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" and watch it flourish.

How can I be certain my hands exist?

 

[Chesterton]

Place your hands flat on a table and ask a good friend to smash them with a hammer. If you feel intense, mind-numbing pain, they probably exist.

How can I get my 1982 Ford Pinto to go 200 m.p.h.?

 

[public hermit]

Jack up the horn and change the car.

How can I encourage my neighbor to be less annoying, less neighborly, really.

 

[Chesterton]

Well you can't, but you can build a Berlin Wall.

How can I get out of jury duty?

 

[Yusuphhai]

be a criminal.

How can I know I am not a criminal?

 

[public hermit]

Get thrown in jail for the first time. You're new, and you'll know it.

How can I avoid jail?

 

[Chesterton]

Just resist arrest. What's the worst that could happen?

How can I entertain myself on this long, boring plane flight?

 

[Yusuphhai]

be a good servant of CF.

How can I break down the net work blocking in my local place and visit CF?

 

[Chesterton]

Call the Geek Squad.

How can I get the lid off this pickle jar?

 

[Gidgx]

I have this problem due to arthritis. I usually break the seal by taking a knife to it.
I'm told there are devices that can open it for you now. Haven't tried them myself.

How to open the door

 

[Chesterton]

Use an improvised explosive device.

How to fry an egg?

 

[Carrilynn]

I suggest you cook your eggs using a hair dryer while riding in the back of a pickup truck in the sizzling hot summer sun.

I need advice, I have too many socks with holes.

 

[Chesterton]

In winter, use them as fingerless mittens.

How do I ask my boss for a raise?