Give "Bad" Advice (2)

[NamelessHero]

Put pee in his soda one day.
I think the cops put a tracker on my computer. What do I do?

 

[.chrys.]

Pick him up and put him on your vacuum cleaner--that way whatever the cops see happening will at least be clean.

My daughter moved out today. I'm sad. What can I do to cheer myself up?

 

[lucypevensie]

Adopt another daughter, maybe?

I want to know what my friend paid for a particular item she bought, but I don't want to appear nosy.

 

[lucypevensie]

Argh, another duplicate post! Why does that keep happening???

 

[.chrys.]

Break the item. She'll tell you how much it was worth!

It's cold in my house and I don't have shoes on. My feet are cold. What should I do?

 

[lucypevensie]

Put on a pair of toasty warm flip flops.

My dog ripped a hole in a pillow, and I'm not sure if I should try to fix it, or go buy a new one, or what. What would you do?

 

[NamelessHero]

I would patch it up with pieces of metal so the dog can't rip a hole in it!
My bread has mold on it. Should I eat it?

 

[lucypevensie]

Well, they say we all need to eat more greens, and some mold is green, so I say yes, eat it if it's green.

A new Chik Fil A is opening here tomorrow, and I want to go there, but I suspect it will be insanely busy. How can I get some food without having to stand in a long line?

 

[NamelessHero]

Break in in the middle of the night, take what you want, and leave money on the table.
There is a cop outside, WHAT SHOULD I DO?

 

[lucypevensie]

Go up to him and ask if you can be his sidekick for the day, free of charge. Offer to drive the squad car, arrest people, and hold his gun for him. Cops are so overworked, he will probably jump at the offer.

There has been some questionable behavior amongst the neighborhood kids lately. How do I make it clear that I will not put up with any shenanigans?

 

[country woman]

don't exercise every day

 

[.chrys.]

Go up to him and ask if you can be his sidekick for the day, free of charge. Offer to drive the squad car, arrest people, and hold his gun for him. Cops are so overworked, he will probably jump at the offer.

There has been some questionable behavior amongst the neighborhood kids lately. How do I make it clear that I will not put up with any shenanigans?

Put up a sign in your yard that says, "Hooligans Welcome, Shenanigans Shunned!"

I'm tired and my teeth feel "fuzzy" what should I do?

 

[lucypevensie]

Get a razor and shave the fur off your teeth.

What's an encouraging gift to give a person who has been sick?

 

[.chrys.]

Keep them looking forward to the future, give them literature on pre-arranged funerals.

My stapler will only reach three inches into the page. I need to staple something that's 5 inches into the page. What can I do?

 

[lucypevensie]

You won't be able to use a stapler. But you can hammer a nail through your papers into a block of wood.

I'm looking for advice on how to have fuller, thicker, shinier hair.

 

[.chrys.]

Dip your head in shellac. Let dry. Then repeat this process several times until satisfied.

Every time I do the dishes, there seems to be more dishes to do. What can I do to stop this insanity?

 

[country woman]

you should use a thinning shears lol

I need a nap

 

[Daughter of His]

eat out of the pans and just keep passing them around

I'm cooking on the grill and the gas runs out halfway through the cooking process

 

[.chrys.]

Dial 911, you've clearly been cooking too long.

I need more hours in the day. Help!

 

[Daughter of His]

skip sleeping for a week or so and get caught up on everything

I don't feel like mowing the lawn but it needs it.