Girlfriend is confused

[ZephyrTempest]

I've been in a serious dating relationship for about 8 months now. We're young, yes, I'm 17 and she's 18, but as a rule I don't date anyone that I can't eventually see myself with, so logically if things continue we would get married (eventually). We go to a public boarding school, a "smart school", where we live on a college campus and take college courses in high school. This means that we're _constantly_ together, the only times we're not is at night when we sleep in separate buildings, or when we need to be alone to concentrate on homework (other times, studying together works - it depends).

I met her at summer school before my junior year. She's a senior. We're both math and physics nerds, and we have a whole lot in common. We click, we get along beautifully (mostly), and everyone who knows us thinks we're unbearably cute, or is jealous of our relationship...

Like all relationships it started with infatuation. But now, we've both realized that we're really not infatuated with each other. She has said that she loves me, and I love her. I know that I am young and naive, and I accept that, but I know God's love and I've come to (in my eyes - I admit possible fallacy) separate what is infatuation and what is love.

We had a fairly large argument a while back because, basically, she felt she didn't have enough space. We'd talked about marriage in the past, even gone so far as to make plans, and to commit to "be engaged someday", as those infatuated are prone to do. But sometime before this argument (and partly a cause of it), she became very insecure about our future, didn't want to think about it, quite frankly she seemed scared. I, eventually snapping out of my infatuation with her, realized that she spoke sense - we don't really need to be planning marriage this early - but that it is perfectly reasonable to think about it. That's what should happen, that's what dating should be - finding a mate. In the end of this argument, we decided that we could no longer base a relationship on infatuation, and resolved that we would need to grow more in love, together. The only thing that seemed bad at all from this was that I now felt like she lacked commitment to me.

Backtracking, she told me a while back that she finds another guy attractive. They're pretty close friends, and I like the guy, actually. I love her and trust her and knew that she wouldn't do anything so I told her that was fine, and natural, and heck I've had crushes while we've dated.

Last night she went out with him to the movies, as friends, and I'm okay with that. (Should I be?) She told me about it beforehand, talked to me afterwards...but then I was thinking that if she still likes him, it's really not so much of going to the movies as "just friends". And that if she still has feelings for him, it would probably be best for her and for us if she didn't see him for a while. I talked with her for the better part of 4 hours last night, trying to get a grasp on how she feels. It started with her asserting that she loves me, and by the end, she was so confused that she told me "she doesn't really know what love is". How can either of us? We're just teenagers.

I really don't know what to do. She's in very much turmoil at the moment. And that saddens me...I feel like if she loved me, or at least wanted to have a serious relationship with me, this wouldn't be a choice. She shouldn't have to decide between the two of us - I should be the clear winner and she should be trying to stop her feelings for him. And she has! She's been trying for months to not think about him, but she says her subconscience is asserting itself...

I realize that this could end in us not together, and I accept that as an alternative. I love her, and I will love her if we break up, and it will hurt. *sigh* I guess I just want to know if there's any hope for us. I, of course, have hope, but she doesn't seem to trust herself. And I trust her but if she can't trust herself isn't that trust misplaced?

Any thoughts are appreciated...sorry for being so longwinded.

 

[ShadeSpeCtre]

Hmmm. I can understand you pain in not wanting to lose what seems to be a (mostly) healthy relationship. I understand your young but don't let it get the better of you. Truth is that God speaks to all of us the same regardless(well if we listen). He has a plan for your life and hers. Who knows, it might even be with each other. Obviously she is confused. Well, for confused people God has answers. Seek Him together and you will get some. If either of you have trouble hearing from God there might me some things in your lives that you need to give over to Him first. Plain and simple. Trust God and the best outcome for both of you will present itself.

 

[Kalipha]

My reply is going to be somewhat anecdotal, as it's not too dissimilar (if I read you right) to a situation I've been in. And I guess am in.

I have a close male friend. I used to be, I don't know maybe even still am, in love with him. Some things you can't control, you fall for people, it happens, we were friends long before I realised I wished we were more than friends, and it just grew out of that. The feelings weren't returned, and although it hurt I accepted it and we're still friends.

I'm now involved with someone, but I still see the friend. What I needed to sit down and ask myself when I got involved with someone else was, if that friend turned round one day and said he'd had a change of heart, that he wanted us to be together, would I leave my boyfriend? My answer was a flat no, I wouldn’t leave, and THAT is the important question, I think. Yes, I love my boyfriend. Yes, some part of me still loves the friend. Emotions are complicated tangled things, and it’s very easy to wrap yourself all to a tangle assuming what they should be and trying to match what you feel to that assumption. If my boyfriend sat me down, and talked through the emotions I had for him, and those I had for the friend, and how they were different and why they were different, I’m certain I couldn’t give a satisfactory answer. I just know they ARE different.

Insisting someone cuts a person they care about out of their life for the sake of your relationship, is always something guaranteed to cause friction, be it a female friend that grates on your nerves, a male friend you think she fancies, or not wanting to be around her overbearing mother, or whatever. When one person faces you with a decision of “it’s them or me”, even if who’s more important to you is a no-brainer, it’s hard not to resent an ultimatum to remove someone you care about from your life.

 

[ZephyrTempest]

I spent a lot of time talking to her and the other guy last night. As I said, I'm friends with him and I felt it was time we talked about my girlfriend. He seems regretful that all of this is happening, and talked to both of us last night.

But the problem really isn't just him. She's facing a lot of tough decisions right now, one of which is the direction of our relationship (although I'm involved in that decision as well). She's going to college, far, far away (about 2000 miles). Everything is changing for her, and I've known that it would be hard for her, and for us. I guess...I just didn't expect her to completely break down and be so confused.

We're going to talk about it...We went home for the weekend, and we're going back to school today. I'm not going to see her today, though, so that she has some space and some time. But we're going to sit down and talk.

It's funny...we've talked about this all before. How things will be hard as the end of the year approached, whether we would stay together when she went to college...I would've thought it helped some to talk about it before it all happened, but apparently not.

Thanks for the words, I still don't really know what I'm doing, but all I can do is be willing to make us work.

 

[Shannie]

I'm sorry I don't have much advice to give you, but I would suggest leaving the other guy out of this. Its not his fault and he can't really do anything about it, its just between you and your g/f.

 

[The Julikenz]

My boyfriend and I have been together 13/14 months. The infatuation has ended for me. I love him with a predominant companionship love, and secondarily a passionate/infatuated one. I have asked for space in the last few months. I am the one who has constantly brought up the fact we are young - 19 and 21, that it probably won't last forever, but I'm with him because I see potential.

THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME LOVE HIM ANY LESS.

In fact, it is these things which in my opinion make our relationship stronger and more dependent. Because I HAVE a life outside of him. I HAVE friends outside of 'ours'. I am looking to the future and the uncertainties of our age and the nature of the 'honey moon period being over'... AND I STILL WANT TO BE WITH HIM LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW.

Your reaction is similar to that of my boyfriends', I think it's a guy thing and you are possibly reading her reactions the wrong way - I know my man has in the past. Taking it as me wanting to break up, or lower the commitment - on contrary, I wanted to make sure I needed him for the right reasons. In spite of what may happen.

It's one thing to be stuck in that infatuated mind state of only being able to picture a future with that person, doing everything with them, and fear being lost without their presence. It's so much more powerfully demonstrated as love when you understand the nature of reality, yet choose to make a life with them because of how much you love them.

Maybe there are other things going on with the g/f, I'm not saying anyone's experience is uniform to mine. Best wishes with your relationship, I have no [other? /wishful] coherent insight at 11:45pm.

 

[explodingboy]

Don't do anything.

Its as easy as that honestly. She is confused and needs space let her have it.

I had the same issue with my GF a while back, for about a month we kept everything on the very down low, lots of space and no real worrying about the future. We got back together and its going better than ever now.

Good communication is important in a relationship, but so is personal space and it gets overlooked allot.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

She's just not that into you. Kick her to the curb. If she's not ready to be with one guy, she shouldn't be committed to an exclusive relationship, and obviously, she's not ready. It's one thing for her to find another guy attractive, but it's another thing for her to date him while she's with you - which is what going ANYWHERE alone with him while she's with you, is basically doing.

 

[sconzey]

Okay, first I'd like to tell you how awesome you are for being introspective about this, critically evaluating your relationship and your role in it, and it seems you and your girlfriend appear to have a really healthy relationship.

That said, this is not a black and white decision. She does not have to choose him or you. You've expressed some concerns about her relationship with him, and she seems to have recognised your concern, now you must decide, do you trust her or not?

If you trust her, she'll take your advice onboard and back off slightly with this other guy. If you don't trust her, there are some serious, deep-seated issues with your relationship that you guys need to work through before you can even start to talk about where you're going together.

The other question you need to be asking is, after what is very much NOT a long distance relationship, are you guys ready to be apart? (and it will be at least a year, even if you do go to the same university, no?)

That's why it's so important to be able to trust her when you're not around.

 

[EverMoreMyHeart]

Try to give her the space that she needs. You are young, and im not much older (im 21). I have been with my fiancee for 4 years now. After high school a lot changed. We had to think about college, career. He chose the military. I stuck with him, and we will be married very soon. Just give her time to think. Also something that sconzey said above me.. are you ready to be apart? When he was in the military we were apart for months at a time with hardly no communication, not saying you guys wont get to talk, but it's a huge change. PM me if you need to talk or anything. I have been there!

I will keep you both in my prayers!

 

[allthatisgone]

Let it all go from your mind. Invest your time in your walk w/ God instead. All you can do is pray she'll do the same.

 

[ashley lynne]

I've been in a serious dating relationship for about 8 months now. We're young, yes, I'm 17 and she's 18, but as a rule I don't date anyone that I can't eventually see myself with, so logically if things continue we would get married (eventually).

I totally do the same thing. The only reason I would "date" a guy is if I saw "potential" in him. Dating's all fun and games until you break up and go your seperate ways...why do it if you don't at least see something in that person?!

Backtracking, she told me a while back that she finds another guy attractive. They're pretty close friends, and I like the guy, actually. I love her and trust her and knew that she wouldn't do anything so I told her that was fine, and natural, and heck I've had crushes while we've dated.

Last night she went out with him to the movies, as friends, and I'm okay with that. (Should I be?) She told me about it beforehand, talked to me afterwards...but then I was thinking that if she still likes him, it's really not so much of going to the movies as "just friends". And that if she still has feelings for him, it would probably be best for her and for us if she didn't see him for a while. I talked with her for the better part of 4 hours last night, trying to get a grasp on how she feels. It started with her asserting that she loves me, and by the end, she was so confused that she told me "she doesn't really know what love is". How can either of us? We're just teenagers.

No, you shouldn't be okay with it. Well, I suppose I did the same thing at one point...but it was actually kind of different. Before I started dating my fience (Matt) we were just friends...I was dating someone else (Scott) and had actually broken up with Scott because I felt that God wasn't leading us in the same direction. He all of a sudden seemed clingy and cried whenever I talked about us not being together anymore. I thought Matt was an awesome person to talk to...we had so much in common, were in the same place emotionally and he seemed to just "get" me. I went to the movies with Matt a few times...I thought he was cute but honestly just found him to be a great friend...it was later that I realized I was attracted to him.
If she's telling you she doesn't know what love is after she told you she loved you...then she's just playing games with you. Like you said, you're looking for a long-term relationship...this whole "dating" thing isn't a game. She's playing games with you and she clearly isn't quite sure what she wants. She goes and spends time with another guy she finds attractive and then all of a sudden realizes she isn't sure if she loves you???...
If you haven't already, I'd call things off with her if I were you. She shouldn't be saying she's attracted to someone else while she's dating you. I'm in love with my fience and haven't ever once looked at another guy or even found another man remotely attractive and he hasn't either (or so he says...I prefer to not know anyway, lol). I believe if two people are truly meant to be with one another then they shouldn't be spending time with another person they find attractive.

I wish you all the luck. Don't let her play games with you...that's just not cool.

 

[ayrlynangel]

My love and I have known each other for a long time. When I met him he was praying to meet his wife. We had a real quick infatuation but for the next several years he consistently turned away from me. 9 months ago we started going out, and we knew we were going to get married but he didn't want to say "I'm going to marry you" only that "he wanted to marry me." That is, he wasn't entirely sure. Sometimes we're most afraid of the path that god has laid out for us. I understand that feeling too. If you feel like she is worth your time, and you love her, then let her have time, pray and support her just as you would if she weren't uncertain.

 

[ayrlynangel]

"which is what going ANYWHERE alone with him while she's with you, is basically doing."

Holy cow! Girls hanging out with male friends alone doesn't count as them dating other people. I mostly have male friends and I consider them my brothers. If I think one's attractive - well, thats not much of anything. If physical attraction was all that mattered, there'd be a lot fewer of us marrying


-edit---

I already posted. Right above. Sorry for posting again -_-

 

[moerunamida]

You are both very young, and you both need space to grow and find out who and what God wants you to be. It's hard to have a perfect relationship if you are both not spending time away from each other. I'd focus on finishing school and praying. When I was in high school, I was completely different than I am now. That isn't a bad thing if you find the right person, because you two can grow and change together. I am just saying that sometimes what you want becomes something totally different. If you both want to be in a relationship, try taking a break for awhile. Date a couple other girls and get a feel for the qualities in which you want your future wife to have someday. It is difficult to know exactly what you want in your future spose if you only date one or two people. I'm praying for you, and I hope this post made sense. It is 5:48am here. X_x