Girlfriend going to club

[BatCat]

Hey all, will try to make this quick.

I recently graduated college. During college and in high school I wasn’t a very practicing Christian and got involved in weed/alcohol a lot. I was in a very toxic relationship in college that did not serve God, we met in a party and partied a lot. I decided towards the latter years of college that I wanted to turn my life upside down and follow Christ and she found that boring and we broke up.

After that I met a girl on a Christian dating app. It hasn’t been perfect but we have put God at the center of our relationship and that has been the most beautiful thing. We’ve really only butt heads hard twice, the first being over privacy of photos on phone which made me uncomfortable having come out of a relationship where things/people were hidden from me. Now we are butting heads because she recently went to a club for the first time and enjoyed it and wants to go more.

Am I a hypocrite for being uncomfortable with that? I went to clubs a lot in college and saw many ungodly things there that I want to forget. It took a long time, stress, and energy to distance myself from that lifestyle and those friends.

Now it feels like it’s all coming back to bite me and I can’t tell if I’m overreacting over a harmless thing.

We have been dating long distance for a year now and it’s all been during covid. I feel like I need to be patient and see what happens when it’s not covid and see how we both spend our time and serve God. This is tough because things have started to get serious with meeting family and talking about marriage but suddenly I’m struck with fear over whether I’m going to be dragged back into a life with alcohol and partying (even if I’m not the one going), I’m overreacting, or this is going to be a ripple between us and we can’t both come out happy. She thinks that I’m controlling when I said that it makes me uncomfortable with her getting drunk and dancing at a club. I’m not accusing her of seeking anything ungodly at the club by the way, I used to enjoy just dancing with my friends. I just also know that not every night at the club is wholesome if you go enough.

Please pray for me to be patient and to listen to God for guidance.

 

[trophy33]

She thinks that I’m controlling when I said that it makes me uncomfortable with her getting drunk and dancing at a club

I think this sentence is crucial. She is not a marriage material.

There will be problem after problem and she will always use similar arguments.

Silly wordly amusement is more precious to her than your will and fears. This is a red flag.

Give it some more time, but be prepared to either say goodbye or to suffer.

 

[quietpraiyze]

Hey all, will try to make this quick.

I recently graduated college. During college and in high school I wasn’t a very practicing Christian and got involved in weed/alcohol a lot. I was in a very toxic relationship in college that did not serve God, we met in a party and partied a lot. I decided towards the latter years of college that I wanted to turn my life upside down and follow Christ and she found that boring and we broke up.

After that I met a girl on a Christian dating app. It hasn’t been perfect but we have put God at the center of our relationship and that has been the most beautiful thing. We’ve really only butt heads hard twice, the first being over privacy of photos on phone which made me uncomfortable having come out of a relationship where things/people were hidden from me. Now we are butting heads because she recently went to a club for the first time and enjoyed it and wants to go more.

Am I a hypocrite for being uncomfortable with that? I went to clubs a lot in college and saw many ungodly things there that I want to forget. It took a long time, stress, and energy to distance myself from that lifestyle and those friends.

Now it feels like it’s all coming back to bite me and I can’t tell if I’m overreacting over a harmless thing.

We have been dating long distance for a year now and it’s all been during covid. I feel like I need to be patient and see what happens when it’s not covid and see how we both spend our time and serve God. This is tough because things have started to get serious with meeting family and talking about marriage but suddenly I’m struck with fear over whether I’m going to be dragged back into a life with alcohol and partying (even if I’m not the one going), I’m overreacting, or this is going to be a ripple between us and we can’t both come out happy. She thinks that I’m controlling when I said that it makes me uncomfortable with her getting drunk and dancing at a club. I’m not accusing her of seeking anything ungodly at the club by the way, I used to enjoy just dancing with my friends. I just also know that not every night at the club is wholesome if you go enough.

Please pray for me to be patient and to listen to God for guidance.

I would suggest you get out of the relationship. Release her to the Lord and allow her to live her own life while you live yours. Leave it at that and just move on. She's making her own choices and you need to make yours. It may seem harsh but at this point the two of you appear to be unequally yoked.

It's not about being some perfect person or there not being conflict, that's just not going to happen but I do believe as Born Again Christians we need to walk our talk or at the very least be willing to.

 

[SongOnTheWind]

I think this sentence is crucial. She is not a marriage material.

There will be problem after problem and she will always use similar arguments.

Silly wordly amusement is more precious to her than your will and fears. This is a red flag.

Give it some more time, but be prepared to either say goodbye or to suffer.

Everyone's opinions and emotions are definitely valid. But to think that we can exert our own personal wills over one another is pretty much the definition of control (for example, the girl's arguments are an attempt to control and manipulate the situation. A red flag indeed). However let God's WILL be done. I would agree that God doesn't will others to be equally unyoked, because that's exactly what His Word tells us not to do. But you can't force this girl to submit to your wishes. I applaud you for trying to reason with her so patiently though.

What you can do though, in complete freedom, is walk away. That may be hard, but it may be for the best.

Shalom.

 

[trophy33]

Everyone's opinions and emotions are definitely valid. But to think that we can exert our own personal wills over one another is pretty much the definition of control (for example, the girl's arguments are an attempt to control and manipulate the situation. A red flag indeed). However let God's WILL be done. I would agree that God doesn't will others to be equally unyoked, because that's exactly what His Word tells us not to do. But you can't force this girl to submit to your wishes. I applaud you for trying to reason with her so patiently though.

What you can do though, in complete freedom, is walk away. That may be hard, but it may be for the best.

Shalom.

Iam not the one who wrote the OP You quoted my post but it seems you are responding to the OP, instead, kind of.

 

[SongOnTheWind]

Iam not the one who wrote the OP You quoted my post but it seems you are responding to the OP, instead, kind of.

My apologies. To clarify:

I was highlighting the word will in your post to make my point about the OP. I hope that's ok

 

[GreekOrthodox]

If I were the girl's father (and I have a 22 year old daughter), I would tell her to drop you as fast as she could and block you from ever contacting her again. She WAS in a controlling abusive relationship with a guy who tracked her every move and if she went to a bar with some of her female friends he would call her every 10 minutes and demand she go home. He ended up breaking up with her because he got another girl pregnant.

 

[BatCat]

If I were the girl's father (and I have a 22 year old daughter), I would tell her to drop you as fast as she could and block you from ever contacting her again. She WAS in a controlling abusive relationship with a guy who tracked her every move and if she went to a bar with some of her female friends he would call her every 10 minutes and demand she go home. He ended up breaking up with her because he got another girl pregnant.

That sounds like a terrible situation. To be clear, she never used the word controlling that was me paraphrasing her “if I’m having fun and not doing anything wrong then what’s wrong with it?”. So for the comments above, I don’t think she’s trying to manipulate me in that way she just doesn’t see the problem with it. She seemed stumped when I asked if she’s ok with me going to clubs too though (I don’t actually want to but trying to get her to see my perspective).

She goes to bars all the time and I never blinked an eye. A dance club is quite different as I’ve said before I’ve been to both many times before and I have no problem with bars.

 

[GreekOrthodox]

That sounds like a terrible situation. To be clear, she never used the word controlling that was me paraphrasing her “if I’m having fun and not doing anything wrong then what’s wrong with it?”. So for the comments above, I don’t think she’s trying to manipulate me in that way she just doesn’t see the problem with it. She seemed stumped when I asked if she’s ok with me going to clubs too though (I don’t actually want to but trying to get her to see my perspective).

She goes to bars all the time and I never blinked an eye. A dance club is quite different as I’ve said before I’ve been to both many times before and I have no problem with bars.

My apologies about the harsh tone, but this guy was physically and emotionally abusive and stuck her with a $15,000 motorcycle bill.

If you are in a serious relationship, you both need to determine what is okay as adults. My wife and I are becoming empty nesters so we're actually now having similar discussions as we have time to rediscover ourselves as a couple and as unique individuals. Even when it comes to church attendance, I am a chanter and need to be there pretty much every service which can be Sundays and up to 3 evening services a week. She comes once or twice a month.

If you arent interested in going out to clubs, but she is, are there things that you want to do that isn't of interest to her?

For example, my wife and I met each other the summer before our final year of college. Since we really enjoyed being with each other, we discussed the year that we were going to be apart. We did not know what was going to go on so we were allowed to hang out with whomever. So for example, when she was not going to be able to make it to my fraternity's semi-formal (think prom for college), she was okay with me going with someone else. I ended up taking one of my fraternity alum's girlfriend and we had a great time. We were both dateless otherwise. We had a blast dancing the night away. I've been married to my wife now for almost 28 years and the girl I took has been married to my fraternity brother for 25 now.

 

[SongOnTheWind]

That sounds like a terrible situation. To be clear, she never used the word controlling that was me paraphrasing her “if I’m having fun and not doing anything wrong then what’s wrong with it?”. So for the comments above, I don’t think she’s trying to manipulate me in that way she just doesn’t see the problem with it. She seemed stumped when I asked if she’s ok with me going to clubs too though (I don’t actually want to but trying to get her to see my perspective).

She goes to bars all the time and I never blinked an eye. A dance club is quite different as I’ve said before I’ve been to both many times before and I have no problem with bars.

Sounds like you're the one who needs to walk away from her. Men are not the only ones who know how to abuse a relationship. There are wicked men and wicked women out there, and both are capable of not being everything they seem to be. He who finds a good wife finds a good thing. She who finds a good husband should count her blessings, lol (being a woman I am biased, of course!).

Hope you find what you're looking for. Shalom.

 

[Sketcher]

That sounds like a terrible situation. To be clear, she never used the word controlling that was me paraphrasing her “if I’m having fun and not doing anything wrong then what’s wrong with it?”. So for the comments above, I don’t think she’s trying to manipulate me in that way she just doesn’t see the problem with it. She seemed stumped when I asked if she’s ok with me going to clubs too though (I don’t actually want to but trying to get her to see my perspective).

That's a problem. How she handles it will show her quality. She can either live by the Golden Rule, or not. If she chooses not to live by the Golden Rule in a meaningful way when it comes to this, then I don't know if this can be helped. If she chooses to live by it, there's hope.

 

[BatCat]

Hey guys/gals just wanted to update. Also thank you for praying for me if you did. God has truly provided as he consistently does.

I was mostly worried that this happened last weekend and was going to become a regular occurrence, but it turns out it was before we were even dating (we had already resolved our feelings before I even found this out). Also after explaining my experience with clubs back in college it sounded like this place was a bit different. College bars are extra grimy I think.

Knowing that it had been over a year since she went was reassuring because what I was most worried about was that she was having some sort of identity change that would lead her away from God. Even if it were last weekend though we talked it through and she felt less like I was attacking her personally and more like I was just concerned about what it’d turn into in the future.

I still don’t like clubs and I told her I’d still not feel 100% hippy dippy if she went to one in the future but I also trust her discernment because over the past year she’s been a really amazing partner and has walked with me growing closer to God. I think I was just afraid that I had let my heart cloud my thoughts and had completely missed something about her.

Thank you all for advice and encouragement. I thank God for allowing me to reach out to other Christians online since I don’t know many in person and I hope to join a small group here soon since I just moved cities. Thank you all so much and if people have their own experience to share I’m all ears because I know y’all have a lot of wisdom.