Getting past heartbreak / not trying to save people

[Michelle1]

From a Christian perspective, have you experienced the compulsion to try to "save" people?
What about when this compulsion seems to enable unhealthy relationships?

I was stolen from and ghosted last month by a boyfriend of nearly 2 yrs. Looking back, many red flags. He told me a story of childhood traumas (which now I question if any of it was true) and I tried to compensate for his upbringing by mothering him in a way. I still have a desire to reach out on Christmas or his birthday and wish him well and remind him God loves him. I've had a similar experience before with another previous failed relationship. Why do I have a desire to keep giving time, energy, emotion to someone who used me and threw me away? Is it Christian to leave the door open? Or it is more biblical to block and cut all possible contact?

Any thougths are appreciated.

 

[asquirrel]

You are called to give compassion and discernment in equal measure. You are outright commanded to be discerning. So, no, it is not wrong to leave a door open. What is wrong is to not learn from your mistakes. To let that need to be a mother to him override the fact that he stole from you and hasn't made it right (he must pay you back more than he stole). You must be discerning enough to spot him trying to twist your open heart against you. "How could you say you care about me when you won't let me <X>" or "Pfft, some love that makes you reach out just to remind me that I hurt you."

Do not let his guilt and shame become your problem. He must face those, not deflect them on to you. Exile (cutting someone off and blocking them) is the last step before capital punishment. So, no, it's not particularly biblical to go that route.

As for the desire to give to people who abused you? I don't know you at all, but in my own life, the desire comes from having conditional love from my parents. I had to be useful to them in order to be valued. I had to achieved in order to earn anything above the bare minimum. In some ways, this is good and teaches a child to push themselves. But when it becomes the ONLY way that they can get affection, it becomes toxic and destructive, and creates an adult who cannot exist without external validation. Who always feels like no amount of effort is ever enough. Who puts up with almost any hurt because they know love only comes from that one place, no matter how bad it is. This is a well documented psychological fact. Is your problem conditional love? I can't say. But it has all the hallmarks of it, at least based on a few sentences.

 

[Richard T]

I think that some people see and maybe even seek a compassionate person because they know they can walk on them. So if you are trying this you have to be walking with God. You will know too by the fruits. Are you both doing better in God as the relationship unfolds? You ran the red flags so hopefully you have learned and can still love in the future. It might be better to find someone equally yoked or just use the compassion you have on others outside of a relationship?

 

[Michelle1]

You are called to give compassion and discernment in equal measure. You are outright commanded to be discerning. So, no, it is not wrong to leave a door open. What is wrong is to not learn from your mistakes. To let that need to be a mother to him override the fact that he stole from you and hasn't made it right (he must pay you back more than he stole). You must be discerning enough to spot him trying to twist your open heart against you. "How could you say you care about me when you won't let me <X>" or "Pfft, some love that makes you reach out just to remind me that I hurt you."

Do not let his guilt and shame become your problem. He must face those, not deflect them on to you. Exile (cutting someone off and blocking them) is the last step before capital punishment. So, no, it's not particularly biblical to go that route.

As for the desire to give to people who abused you? I don't know you at all, but in my own life, the desire comes from having conditional love from my parents. I had to be useful to them in order to be valued. I had to achieved in order to earn anything above the bare minimum. In some ways, this is good and teaches a child to push themselves. But when it becomes the ONLY way that they can get affection, it becomes toxic and destructive, and creates an adult who cannot exist without external validation. Who always feels like no amount of effort is ever enough. Who puts up with almost any hurt because they know love only comes from that one place, no matter how bad it is. This is a well documented psychological fact. Is your problem conditional love? I can't say. But it has all the hallmarks of it, at least based on a few sentences.

It is probably safe to say there are contributing factors from childhood. I don't think he will face his problems, what he did to me, pay me back, or contact me ever again.

Do you think it is safe and biblical to decide I won't reach out to him (happy birthday, Merry Christmas etc) unless he has paid me back?

In addition to childhood factors, I get tripped up between being a Christian versus sacrificing my own welfare like Jesus did for us (loving with boundaries versus sacrificing yourself to your own detriment)

I think what I observed growing up was love and self-worth dependent on helping or fixing others, even at your own expense.
Then that impression was then reinforced by the Bible. And here I am as an adult trying to figure this out.

I've been through this twice now and really want to stop the cycle.

Thank you very much for your time and response.

 

[Michelle1]

I think that some people see and maybe even seek a compassionate person because they know they can walk on them. So if you are trying this you have to be walking with God. You will know too by the fruits. Are you both doing better in God as the relationship unfolds? You ran the red flags so hopefully you have learned and can still love in the future. It might be better to find someone equally yoked or just use the compassion you have on others outside of a relationship?

Looking back, I think I may have been targeted. I got sucked in in a few ways. 1. We were friends initially through work. 2. He presented himself as a Christian who had walked away from God for a while and was coming back.

These two things made me more vulnerable. My guard was down because I believed we were already true friends. Then he lost his job and approached me romantically. The timing was a flag. Second, aside from claiming to be Christian, there was no evidence of his faith. I was always the one to initiate Church and reading the Bible. Another flag, which I rationalized away because I have strayed from God before and know it is a journey coming back.

I over-empathized with him because we were already friends, so I already cared, and when he shared his childhood traumas and other family issues I got sucked in more.

This is where I find myself getting stuck. My internal discernment and the Holy Spirit tried to warn me many times, but the emotional empathetic side of myself couldn't not help...which turned into me getting used/enabling.

I have lost this struggle between empathy/discernment before. Any advice on how to balance these two as a Christian?
I'm always working on this.

Thank you for your time and response.